Inside Our Website Traffic

Or: How the hell you got here, you dirty perv.

We started WDR with minimal hopes and dreams, because, as Republicans have taught us, we know that in order to succeed in life one must work hard. And we're just not committed at all to doing that. No bootstraps for us--we're fine in our flip-flops and sneakers (though no Birkenstocks--get the hell away from us, you damn dirty hippy). We're content to wallow in filth and drink delicious delicious alcoholic beverages.

In other words, we didn't really expect much from this little corner of the TubedWeb. We were grateful for any spare visitor that happened upon our humble little site, realizing full well that they mainly came from friends and family who we badgered into taking a look (though strangely enough, my friends have proven that they have better taste than I've given them credit for and haven't visited). And our initial traffic statistics reflect this reality.



Gradually, as the content here grew, we began to get a more consistent flow of visitors. Habitual consumers of The Report became more commonplace, as they learned to rid themselves of the shame of visiting such a terrible site and instead began to semi-revel in it. We love you guys--don't ever change. I mean it. If you change your hair, we're disowning you.

Then all of a sudden we got a sudden surge in traffic. The number of visits increased like 900%, man. It was totally ridiculous. Our blog had finally broken through, in some sense.



What caused this sudden spurt in popularity? Well, I've been sifting through the data and cracking some numbers, and here is the stimulus for our growth.



You sick fucks. Seriously.

We realized this was caused by a random "perfect storm" post. I had suggested to the other co-authors to randomly toss in a tag of "hentai tentacle rape porn" in their posts to help boost traffic. Plus, it is a great way to call attention to the fact that the Japanese are seriously fucked up. I mean, Do Not Click This. I mean, I've been friends with Japanese people, but good god damn.

Well Joe Reefer decided to include that tag in his brilliant Harry Potter parody post. The combination of "Harry Potter", "porn", "tentacle rape", and "hentai" unleashed something, because these were the terms that were drawing people to us. All it took was a Google Image Search with those terms, and people would come.

Now I'm talking to these people who came to us through these means. Here we are, mano e mano.



Knock it the fuck out. Seriously. That's fucking disgusting.

I mean, tentacle rape porn is ridiculous, but to throw in Harry Potter? We're talking children here! We all have our fetishes (I hear Zhuang enjoys cacti, and Reefer is a known licorice-freak), but that is awful. Please don't come round here no more.