Joe kept asserting that there really wasn't anyone that was worth it; however, I was maintaining that there was indeed a level of hotness in which AIDS, while an unfortunate byproduct of such an encounter, would indeed be a suitable price to pay. The logical conclusion was then I would eventually write a post on the subject, weighing the variables to see if there were indeed women that were worthy of such consequences.
I have found a few that I believe reach this level of hotness, but there are several underlying factors that you should take into account
1. I have no job.
2. I am living at home with the folks. With no car.
3. I have no romantic prospects on the horizon whatsoever.
Counter this with the fact that Joe has a steady, committed girlfriend and is attending a top college, one can see that his probably-better-than-Dilbert life would have him less inclined to live with a potentially fatal disease. On the other hand, I'm going to the movies tonight with my parents. Now you will understand how I am much much more willing to face these consequences.
In other words, my situation is much more like the vast amount of people who read this website.
Without further ado, I present to you my (non-comprehensive) list of potential subjects. I hope you enjoy (and women who happen to read this blog, please don't kill me).
The Retro Lady
We're talking classics here. The lovely ladies of previous generations. The time-machine hotties. (Note: In an addendum to the original discussion, Joe made the point that AIDS would be worth it in the past, since there were far fewer options. Compared with the sheer number of potential partners today, the math is simply no longer in favor of anyone being AIDS-hot. I conceded this point, because as we all know, cavewomen all looked like Raquel Welch.)
Pam Grier
Pros: Has an absolutely ridiculous body, taking the definition of hourglass figure to unimaginable levels. She's definitely a cool customer, and would teach you how to actually speak jive.
Cons: Could actually break yo' dick off.
Verdict: If said dick was broken off, there wouldn't be much reason to stick around, would there? Then, certainly.
Original Supermodels
We're going with clichés here. In a sense, this helps the cause. If you had to tell people that that you had AIDS, but at least you caught it from this world-class boob-lady, people would be sad, but at least they'd understand. And yes, the lovely Laetitia Casta gets a free pass here.
Cindy Crawford
Pros: She was the world's greatest supermodel. She's looked great for decades now. She's smart--graduated at the top of her high school class, earning an academic scholarship to Northwestern.
Cons: Richard Gere was here. And so was Bon Jovi.
Verdict: No question. Though the Bon Jovi part certainly did give me pause.
Tyra Banks
Pros: Body was perfect--long legs, fabulous chest, and was on the fuller end of the scale in terms of models' bodies. She's got two successful series, ensuring a very steady income.
Cons: Is an alien.
Verdict: Until my stance on interspecies erotica changes, I'm going to have to refrain (fucko).
Also considered:
Niki Taylor, Stacey Williams. I know of these people because I'm a nerd, and as Revenge of the Nerds taught us, we spend all day thinking about sex.
Modern Day Supermodels
For some reason, Firefox doesn't recognize "Supermodels" as an actual word. The singular form is fine, but when we get to the plural, all hell breaks loose.
Yamila Diaz-Rahi
Pros: I'm not going to lie, this is more of a personal preference than anything--she reminds me of other girls I've known, especially her eyes/smile. Is actually pretty smart--she was an economics student before her modeling career took off.
Cons: Does not like sauerkraut.
Verdict: Sure. But we'd have to work on the sauerkraut thing.
Carla Campbell
Pros: The usual combo--great rack, very long legs. Plus, since she's Caribbean, she has an extensive knowledge of fine rums.
Cons: There aren't that many pictures of her available, so I'm not entirely certain she is not a computer-generated program.
Verdict: Nah. I'm not quite ready to commit to a fictional hypothetical to a potentially fictitious woman.
Baywatch
Many beautiful women have played a part on the show, and when you run around all day in a tight bathing suit like that, it gives us a lot of time to examine their, um, credentials.
Yasmine Bleeth
Pros: You can have your Pam Anderson, but I prefer Joey and Chandler's crush, the one with the delectable ass. Plus, showing up in a Trey Parker/Matt Stone film indicates a sense of humor.
Cons: That film was BASEketball. Is also a crackhead.
Verdict: No. I don't smoke rocks.
Traci Bingham would have been a great choice, at least until she went insane with the plastic surgery, and just went plain insane. These days, you're pretty close to catching VD just by looking at her (similar to the full-blown AIDS you get from looking at Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan).
However, one of the stars of the Baywatch parody "Son of the Beach" earns AIDS-Hot honors from me. That title goes to the exotic Leila Arcieri, who showed enough savvy and self-awareness to star in such a ridiculous role, and also showcased her assets quite spectacularly. One only hopes that she breaks out of the cycle of made-for-TV crap films and random guest turns on various CSI-type shows.
Hometown Hotties
Uugh...I don't want to use a term that Maxim does already, but I'm too lazy and uncreative to come up with anything better. This category is for the lovely ladies from Louisiana, my home state. Hey, that's actually a lot better...hold on...
Ali Landry
Pros: It's hard to argue the merits of a former Miss USA and a Miss Universe runner-up. Let's just say that she was the only reason that I'd ever want to see a 98° video. Dumped Mario Lopez's ass. Likes Dorito's.
Cons: Not sure if her Dorito's flavor is Black Pepper Jack. THE ultimate flavor. And was actually engaged to Mario Lopez.
Verdict: Yes, with obligatory Cajun joke included (probably something about Tabasco sauce).
K.D. Aubert also warrants a mention. She has a nice long, svelte body and a sweet innocent face. The drawback is that her stare is so vacant that she may be a mannequin or mildly retarded. However, video evidence does not confirm this.
The Alumna
The most famous and respected alumni of Dartmouth College are all dropouts--Robert Frost, Dr. Seuss, and Mr. Rogers. However, Dartmouth has lately churned out quite a few actresses as well, from Mindy Kaling of the Office to Connie Britton from Spin City to Rachel Dratch from Saturday Night Live.
Aisha Tyler
Pros: Of course, she's wicked smart (and holds a degree in my field). Funny as well--she was a host of Talk Soup.
Cons: Her recent movie choices aren't something to brag about--I mean, Balls of Fury AND Death Sentence?! Come on. That, and she didn't visit my dorm when she returned.
Verdict: Not this time. But if she wants to see MY Big Green...I'm not finishing this joke.
Obligatory Greek Girl
This is a choice clearly meant to make the folks happy.
Maria Menounos
Pros: She's Greek. That's an automatic 1000 imaginary points.
Cons: She's spent so much time on vacuous entertainment "news" programs that it's killing her brain. That, and she could stand to eat a sandwich or two these days.
Verdict: Sorry Momma, Poppa.
Early-Friends-era Jennifer Aniston would have filled this spot, just so you know.
Bond Girl?
The question mark is because I really couldn't think of a good category for this babe.
Halle Berry
Pros: I used to not think very highly of her--I think it was the cheekbones that scared me. Yeah, I'm stupid. But I prefer her with long hair, and that helped change my opinion completely in the opposite direction.
Cons: Catwoman
Verdict: Joe thinks she's not bringing it these days, but Joe is an idiot.
As for Bond Girls, Caterina Murino from the most recent one certainly would like to plead her case.
Austin Powers Ladies
The comedic counterpart to the previous category. I'm getting lazier with the commentary.
Elizabeth Hurley
Pros: Gets better with age. Plus has that nice proper British accent.
Cons: I can't stand the British on principle. (See: Cyprus)
Verdict: Principles win out. You know, even I'm surprised at that result.
Beyonce
Pros: Is the definition of "bootylicious" (clearly). And then was therefore the subject of a hilarious joke between me and the rest of the WDR crew which can't be explained here.
Cons: Overexposed these days to the nth degree. Yo-yo dieting has me confused (I prefer the not-so-thin look). And the music continues to get worse. GAH.
Verdict: Even if you're musical, I still have to be able to appreciate it. So, no.
One Great Scene
this was probably the defining sex scene of our generation, like that one Phoebe Cates scene from Fast Times for 80s wieners.
Shannon Elizabeth
Pros: American Pie. Enough said. Well, that, and she was married to an ugly guy. That's always a good sign!
Cons: Hasn't really done too much since that warrants mentioning, though her role in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back is appreciated in these quarters (it helps to appeal to nerds). But hanging out around poker tables isn't doing her body any favors.
Verdict: Like Jim, I couldn't seal the deal.
Bad Movie Lady
I have a good cable package, so I don't have to waste time going to the video store, much less theaters to see movies with hot girls. Just wait a few months, and then enjoy in the comfort of one's own home at 2 in the morning. Yes, I am indeed satisfied with my life at this point, why do you ask?
Roselyn Sanchez
Pros: You have to love that Latina fire, etc.
Cons: Did you see Boat Trip?
Verdict: I saw Boat Trip. AIDS doesn't seem so horrible after that.
Eva Mendes also has similar qualifications, though nothing as gawd-awful as THAT movie. She gets mad props for showing that apple-bottom in Training Day (which I enjoyed greatly), and for being random hot girl in an Aerosmith video like a decade ago (it was "Hole In My Soul", which was in constant rotation with the Dandy Warhols' "Get Off" and the Bomfunk MCs when I was in London back then).
I LIKE BIG BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE
She's been successful in various industries and multiple platforms, but people are always hating on her. However, her rise brought to the nation's attention one overlooked aspect of the female anatomy.
Jennifer Lopez
Pros: For years, had one of the world's best lower bodies. Is probably richer than god. And, is actually a better actress than you think.
Cons: The supposed attitude doesn't help these days when she's lost her ass and now sports a face that fits a sarcophagus.
Verdict: Only if we employed the time machine.
Random Tv Show Lady
She's the reason why you try and catch those reruns of that crappy television program that you used to watch. No, it's definitely not because of the crazy hijinks.
Debbe Dunning
Pros: You remember her as Heidi on "Tool Time". And you remember her hotness.
Cons: Whereabouts unknown. Have to deal with the fact that Tim Allen probably went there.
Verdict: Home Improvement isn't actually that bad, but Heidi was definitely an incentive. Worthy of consideration, but ultimately no.
One can also throw in Kellita Smith in this category, otherwise known as Bernie Mac's wife on his show. She was a very deceptive babe, but well worth seeking out. Then there is the cast of She Spies, an extremely retarded show. While Kristen Miller and Natasha Henstridge grab most of the attention, I'll just throw in a picture of Natashia Williams to make her case.
Random Disney Channel Number
I just caught wind of this girl last week, and she's elevated to near the top of my list. She was in some random Disney Channel movie, Luck of the Irish, that I saw years ago, and which I'm too lazy to even bother linking up. Pretty awful, even considering Disney Channel movie standards. Good God, I really get bored some days. Anyways, it wasn't as if she was on my radar screen, but seeing recent pictures of her has changed that.
Alexis Lopez
Pros: I believe the picture makes the case. But the smile gets me, along with the perfect skin tone.
Cons: Apparently appeared on American Idol.
Verdict: Wow, that Idol thing just ruined it. But I am open to her attempting to redeem this in any number of ways...
The Older Woman
This is a choice that a lot of people would actually make, but are often don't remember to make it. Whenever I mention her, I always get a "oh yeah, she's definitely hot". And then when I tell her that she's over 40 now, and still looks great, they are dumbfounded.
Stacey Dash
Pros: I think my story before adequately explained it. She's saucy, but not so much to be a bitch. Is simultaneously cute AND sexy. I also think her Playboy spread speaks for itself.
Cons: Is not that far from AARP membership. This actually might be a benefit, considering you can get some cool discounts!
Verdict: Yes, even if she'll need a walker in a few years.
Garcelle Beauvais also fits the bill very well, right down to the requisite Playboy spread.
The Hobo's Choice
When the original topic was being discussed, Joe sent texts off across the nation inquiring as to who would potentially fit the bill. We got one response from a former acquaintance who now makes a living riding the rails as one of our nation's treasured hobos.
Scarlett Johansson
Pros: Has a great, fun personality. Oh, and has a rack so spectacular that she gets felt up by a gay guy.
Cons: Acting skills seem to be declining. And at this point, I'm pretty sure she'd be forced to have Woody Allen watch at this point.
Verdict: I'm not comfortable with Woody Allen in these proceedings.
Joe Reefer's Choice
Now officially, Joe said that there was no woman that reached this level of hotness. But this was the one that he was most willing to consider.
Uma Thurman
Pros: Who doesn't like tall, buxom blondes? Is the definition of "statuesque".
Cons: Gravity is winning these days. I really didn't like the Kill Bill movies. There, I said it. Though Pai Mei earns a free pass from me.
Verdict: Joe claims to have actually worn out a copy of Batman & Robin because of her. Joe is an idiot.
The Originator
Ah, the original girl that was the initial choice to earn the label "AIDS-hot". It's really not much of a surprise, considering that her name has virtually been slang for generic hot-piece-of-ass for a few years now.
She caught my eye a few years ago, in an appearance in the crappy movie Idle Hands, way before the magazine covers and all that. Then, she was just the perfect girl-next-door, if you happened to live in a slightly ethnic neighborhood. From this, she earns a free pass forever.
Jessica Alba
Pros: What made me a convert
Cons: Well, you might at least have to consider her Herpes-hot.
Verdict: Joe is an idiot.
The Indisputable
Finally, the one woman that I think can attain the title of "AIDS-Hot" without any argument whatsoever. There are multiple memorable scenes throughout her career that are testament to this fact, from her nude scene in Desperado to her striptease in Dogma. But the one that tops them all is her slithery dance in From Dusk Til Dawn, which I think is probably the sexiest thing committed to celluloid.
Salma Hayek
Pros: A beautiful mix of Latin and Middle Eastern, with an outrageous accent to boot. And, um, the previously mentioned scenes definitely showcase her assets. Plus, is a successful producer, bringing the Oscar nominated Frida and the Emmy-nominated Ugly Betty to the screen.
Cons: Sported a unibrow (as Frida Kahlo).
Verdict: Yes.
That's it. While an extensive list, it is not comprehensive. If you have any suggestions, we do have a comments section for that kind of thing. Of course, this is all a matter of opinion, but remember, my opinion is much better than yours.
