Attention Alternative Rock Stations!

The possible societal benefits of the Pixies


I hope all of you had a great No Pants Day (known in some circles as "labor" day). Now that the celebration is over, we must move on to issues of much importance.

It has long been noticed by the WDR crew that alternative radio (at least in the places we have lived) can sometimes go into strange and horrible musical places (see our Vendettas section). Mr. Ouzo and I decided that there is one easy remedy that alternative radio should look into: The Pixies.


No, not those pixies...


Yes, those Pixies...

Now, everyone knows that the Pixies are awesome, and if you (the reader) don't, I don't know why you're here (Aside from you fuckers searching for Harry Potter and Tentacle Rape Porn. Sick.). So I don't think that I need to explain that any further. But during this conversation I realized that not only having the Pixies on more would be awesome, but it might even be life saving.

We would be living in a much better world. Can you imagine how much road rage would be subdued if we had "Debaser" playing during the drive-time commute instead of Nickelback's "Rockstar"? Think about it: The Pixies could fill spots where shit like Linkin Park and Nickelback get played. That Plain White Ts song would be limited to the CD player headphones of emo high school kids (you know how they can relate to it).

And people are always saying that "the children" are our future. What kind of future has kids raised on Avril Lavigne (she didn't even know who David Bowie is. DAVID BOWIE!)? I'll tell you, it's a sad one. Just think Planet of the Apes, except instead of Apes, it will be emo kids with wrist bands and "x"s on their hands. I'm not sure which vision is more frightening...

Also, imagine how much more energetic kids will be listening to something fun and fast. We blame the obesity epidemic on fast food and improper portion sizes, but what about depressing alt-rock? It has to have some effect. At least with "Tame" going every once in a while, the kids have to at least jump around a bit.

The Pixies were even responsible for saving our own Nic Ouzo. Nic could have broken his ankle, but because "Digging for Fire" was playing, he was able to escape injury and, possibly, death. Thank you, Pixies!

I'm just saying - something should be done. I want to hear some "Digging for Fire." I think you can at least give us that, alternative radio.

I can't lift weights to Sixpence None the Richer (or any of this other shit)

So I took my daily trip to the gym today, and as is usually the case, the music they were playing was pretty bad. When it wasn't horrible, it was at the very least nothing to lift weights to. Today it was the soft-rock bullshit station on XM (I'm pretty sure that's the real name) which was a slight departure from yesterdays "Rap with the same beat pattern or loop from 'Sweet Dreams.'"

Today was certainly different, and up until bicep curls, everything was just mediocre. Then, the gym was confronted with the Trio of Terror: Three extremely irritating songs that forced me out of the gym prematurely.

Song 1: "Hey There Delilah" - The Plain White T's

Feel extremely lucky if you haven't heard this song. It basically encompasses everything about "emo," which is to say that it encompasses everything that sucks. It's one of those acoustic guitar strumming whinefests about some emo bitch named Delilah. Delilah? I doubt that's her real name. It's probably something like Katie or Kristen or something else with a K. I didn't know any Delilahs in school, did you? Of course you didn't, because there weren't any.

But whether or not this girl is actually named Delilah or not isn't really at issue. What is at issue is the fact that this guy goes on and on about this girl for what seems like an eternity with lyrics that, for a lack of better words, suck balls. Like this:

A thousand miles seems pretty far
But they've got planes and trains and cars
I'd walk to you if I had no other way
Our friends would all make fun of us
and we'll just laugh along because we know
That none of them have felt this way
Delilah I can promise you
That by the time we get through
The world will never ever be the same
And you're to blame

What a load of horse shit. I love that this guy knows exactly what all of his friends have every felt and knows that they've never been in "love." Give me a fucking break. Here's some more:
You be good and don't you miss me Two more years and you'll be done with school And I'll be making history like I do You'll know it's all because of you

I hope that she's getting done with college and not high school, fucko. Making history? Maybe as a lame emo pederast. I just found a picture of these guys.



What a bunch of wankers. Although I have to give the black dude some credit for actually looking genuinely disgusted at being in this picture

I've had enough of this shit. Next song.

Song 2: "Have a Nice Day" - Bon Jovi

Now, I've never liked Bon Jovi, so it's not saying much to say that I didn't like this song. What is saying something is that this is quite possibly the stupidest Bon Jovi song I've ever heard.

Now, you can tell by the guitar intro and Jon Bon Jovi screaming that this is supposed to be some hard shit. But then it seems to be held back and just ends up sounding bad. This is before the lyrics even come into it, which are awful. Bon Jovi need to realize that they're about as hardcore as kittens with pink bows. And guitars, I guess.

Edit [Nic Ouzo]: Now is a perfect time to show this video of Triumph with Bon Jovi. Props to Dr. Kwabert for re-alerting me of its presence

Song 3: "Some Shitty Nickelback Song" - Nickelback

This is the straw that broke the camel's back. Pretty much anything from Nickelback would work here because they suck so very much (as anyone with any sense would know). I'm not going to go on too much about this one because the absolute shitfest that is Nickelback's recordings is pretty well established. It doesn't really matter what song it was, but I'll find it just so you can feel the pain. Actually, fuck that. I'll just say that it's one where the guys talks about being in high school and being a fucking idiot. No thanks for sharing dude, but maybe you can go meet up with that fucko from Plain White T's. He's got some high school girl to sing to you about.