Hump Day Helper -- Joe Reefer Birthday Blast

Because it's Wednesday, and we all need a pick-me-up to make it through the rest of the week in our respective hells, WDR is providing some fun.


Continuing the birthday celebration for Joe, we're throwing up a video of what's probably his all-time favorite band. Before they started embarrassing themselves with songs like "Love Hurts", Incubus used to be one of the most exciting bands out there. The kind of bad that in the age of boy bands people would say "hey, these guys might just represent the future of rock".

Of course, that was back when they did things like take musical chances. Example: this song right here. Plus, it features some of the goofy humor that Joe loves so much.

The time has passed for hand-me-downs,
Choose anew, please evolve,
Take flight...

Joe Reefer Fears for His Life

ATTENTION ALL WDR READERS, the life of a very near and dear friend may be in serious peril. At 10:40AM (a serious time, for serious business) your very own Joe Reefer received the following notice of his imminent doom. I hope that your thoughts will be with me as I fight for my very life in a battle which, in all likelihood, I cannot win.

FROM: AGENT
TO: (my e-mail address)
SUBJECT: GOOD DAY FIRSTNAME LASTNAME (note: it actually said 'firstname lastname', that isn't an edit)

How are you.
Am very sorry for you my friend, is a pity that this is how your life is going to end as soon as you don't comply.As you can see there is no need of introducing myself to you because I don't have any business with you, my duty as I am mailing you now is just to KILL/ASSASSINATE you and I have to do it as I have already been paid for that.
Someone you call a friend wants you Dead by all means, and the person have spent a lot of money on this, the person also came to us and told me that he want you dead and he provided us with your name ,picture and other necessary information's we needed about you. So I sent my boys to track you down and they have carried out the necessary investigation needed for the operation on you, and they have done that but I told them not to kill you that I will like to contact you and see if your life is Important to you or not since their findings shows that you are innocent.
I called my client back and ask him of you email address which I didn't tell him what I wanted to do with it and he gave it to me and I am using it to contact you now. As I am writing to you now my men are monitoring you and they are telling me everything about you.
Now do you want to LIVE OR DIE? As someone has paid us to kill you. Get back to me now if you are ready to pay some fees to spare your life, If you are not ready for my help, then I will carry on with my job straight-up.
WARNING: DO NOT THINK OF CONTACTING THE POLICE OR EVEN TELL ANYONE BECAUSE I WILL KNOW. REMEMBER, SOMEONE WHO KNOWS YOU VERY WELL WANT YOU DEAD! I WILL EXTEND IT TO YOUR FAMILY, IN CASE I NOTICE SOMETHING FUNNY.
DO NOT COME OUT ONCE IT IS 7:30PM UNTIL I MAKE OUT TIME TO SEE YOU AND GIVE YOU THE TAPE OF MY DISCUSSION WITH THE PERSON WHO WANT YOU DEAD AFTER YOU HAVE COMPLIED WITH MY DEMANDS, THEN YOU CAN USE IT TO TAKE ANY LEGAL ACTION.
GOOD LUCK AS I AWAIT YOUR REPLY

Joe Gets Festive... with Sexy Results

A Survey of the Event and Sport which is Halloween


October means a lot of things here in the great land of WDR. October means a change in the leaves, a nip in the air, a change in attire, and of course my incessant use of the pseudo-word "Rocktober." But, most importantly, October means one thing: People dressed up in even more ridiculous manners than they usually are. This wonderful month is a bastion of all the finer things in life. All the girls you know spend the entire month fanatically piecing together a monstrosity of cloth worth its weight in gold or malnourished children in any third-world country. All the guys you know spend the whole month acting too cool to dress up, or wishing their significants others weren't making them. All the girls you don't know find those fantastic costumes that would make their parents proud enough to finally let them move out of the house. And, of course, I once against embarrass myself with yet another poor costume choice.I don't know how this happens to me every year, but I suspect a Halloween curse. So, for your viewing enjoyment, I have compiled a brief history of my costumes representing some of the highlights of my now-infamous festastrophes.
The first of these selections is not really my fault. I decided I would ease into the embarrassment with a little issue of miscommunication. I put this little number together for a party a few of my friends were throwing during a brief stint back east. I don't exactly know how I misunderstood my invitation. However, despite my costume not being in the same military theme as my friends, I still managed to have the honky good time that I was promised. I suspect I may just not be as adept as deciphering the African-American slang as I previously believed. Also, I wasn't aware that saltines were such a prominent feature in Halloween parties, or that these parties normally featured pinatas. At least I wasn't the only one to have missed the latter of these, as the party's hosts completely forgot to buy a pinata and over the course of the evening I was mistaken for it over 12 times. It was a crazy night! I miss those guys...
Now that I think about it, this wasn't the first time my poor ebonics led to Halloween misfortune. My co-authors will of course remember the incident that was broadcast on our school's student news show.

Then there was the year I thought I could impress my high school sweetheart by acting like I was on one of the school sports teams. This plan may have worked better at a time other than Halloween, but it only occurred to me when I saw this snazzy uniform in a costume shop. I still can't believe that plan didn't work, she was constantly dating football players. I guess some people just don't respect the athleticism of track anymore. Shame on them.

... Now that I'm thinking about this costume, I realize that I haven't seen it when I've been in my attic to get down the ol' Halloween decorations. Also, it looks suspiciously like several of the characters in the movie House. Coincidence? I don't think so.


I would like to take a moment from the wave of humiliation I have brought upon myself to remind our audience that my co-authors are not without their own Halloween festastrophes.

We all remember Nic Ouzo's ill-fated Halloween decision that resulted in the loss of his girlfriend to... what looks like some guy who couldn't decide if he was dressing up as The Dude, House (from television's "House"), or some kind of balding Brad Pitt. I'm sorry for dredging up the bad memories, friend. There are other fish, just... don't dress up as a pelican, okay?

And of course, who could forget the city-wide disaster that erupted when Mr. Zhuang unveiled his costume to that poor group of unsuspecting... and possibly mentally handicapped... middle-aged men and women. Respect for the dead prevents me from going into this subject further. It's just too soon, I'm sorry.

Nic Ouzo can't escape a second mention in this section, as his rampant cultural promotion seems to know no end. I can't even tell you how many WDR events and social gathers (I'm sorry, your invitation must have gotten lost in the mail) his proselytizing has ruined. However, there is a fine line between cantankerous preaching and animal abuse that I believe was crossed that fateful Halloween of 1992. Everyone felt so sorry for Nic's poor dogs. I, for one, didn't know you could circumsize a dog, let alone teach it to perform the ceremony upon its pups. Well, the more you know, right?

I, of course, had to one-up Ouzo's flaunting of his animal training abilities. I still contend, as the age-old saying goes, that my dog could beat up his dog. (If anyone asks, Michael Vick said that, okay? [I'm being told this is no longer topical.])







Celebrities are not above the iron fist of Halloween's cruel mistress either. Sean Connery's silly attempt to gain popularity during the computer boom left his career in tatters, though this prominent internet reporter would like to say he appreciates Connery's nod to Commander Keen.

Even G-dub himself jumps in on the stupid costume bandwagon from time to time.



... Jesus that man is a jackass. God fucking damn it. What the fuck is wrong with you people? How has he been in office for this long? I hate you. I hate each and every one of you. Go home. Stop reading this. You don't deserve it. God fucking damn it.
Moving on...

I don't really know what's going on here, but one of these three must be in costume, right? Yeah.

There are of course the constant sources of costume disasters: nerds. Not nerds like I am... but yahknow... nerds like... other people... are.... Hey! Let's laugh at these people now!

Now, we've all been at that magic age where anything you do is retarded. But this guy prettymuch takes the cake. First off, he chose to dress up as Robin. Now, Robin could be kinda cool, but he picked one of the lame Robins from one of the animated Batman tv shows. So, not only did he choose to be second-banana, he also chose to be one of the crappiest incarnations of said banana.


This guy doesn't seem to know whether he's a Transformer or Spiderman. Other than that he's cool with me.



(Don't look directly into his eyes.)












WHOAH WHOAH WHOAH.
This just in. Apparently Robin up there got a girl??

WHAT THE FUCK, WOMEN? No, seriously. come on. How could this man get even feigned-for-photo action? This offends every lie I've told myself to explain why women don't like me or any of the seemingly eligible guys I know. If that kid gets the ladies? I don't know what to think anymore.
... I'll choose to believe that it's just his enormous, throbbing erection. You girls are so shallow. Honestly. Shame on you.

At this rate, Shaved Leg Man will have the ladies lining up.

Now that I think about it, I would pay to see someone dress up as Shaved Leg Man.

But, I digress. This post is about my Halloween embarrassments, and we're nearing the end. In fact, we're down to the wire. The following are my two biggest Halloween disasters. Enjoy.
Alright, now I know what you're thinking, "Joe, I love Alvin and the Chipmunks, where can I get this amazing costume and show off my raging erection as it was meant to be showcased?" I have only one response to this:

Anyway, I think I'm making some kind of 'secret agent holding a gun' sort of pose in this photo. I don't remember why. God, I was so high that night. How else could I have chosen that god awful green and yellow shirt? What was I thinking. Worst Halloween ever.



But now for the final act. This was less of an embarrassing costume, and more of a Halloween disaster in general. Most of my costumes have just led to mockery and ridicule from my peers, and a few racially motivated assaults, but this costume actually landed me in jail under suspicion of murder.
I guess, in retrospect, I can kinda see where they were coming from on that one.
Well that's all for now, folks. Have a happy Halloween. Don't make the same mistakes I have.


After all this, the only solace I can find is that at least I've never looked as dumb as this weirdo:

Masculine Manly Manliness: Drink Like A Champion

Today's post is inspired by this recent Deadspin article talking about Arizona QB (and USC alum) Matt Leinart's inability to maintain control under the influence of the fickle Sauvignon Blanc mistress. So we've decided to make the celebration of the upcoming weekend about our own drinking exploits, and cautiously reveal what beverage is the unfortunate weakness for each member of the WDR crew.

Now I want to first establish my bona fides. I am known to sling down whiskey, rum, gin, tequila, etc. with the best of them. I have watched Altered States in an Altered State. I have been known to play a round of Pong or five, sometimes with shots instead of the traditional beer. I am also the man who created the Devil's Balls. What's that? Here's the recipe

The Devil's Balls:
2 parts vodka
2 parts tequila
3 parts Jaeger (so it goes down smooth)
Serve in coffee cup. Because that's the Breakfast of a Goddamn Champion

And as I have proven from coast-to-coast, I am the fastest drinker of Jaeger and Irish Car Bombs that you will see, despite my only mediocre ability to chug any other beverage. I also hold my own with beer (the strong German type, not American pisswater), but don't know the full extent of my abilities--I don't overindulge, because I'm trying to watch my figure. In other words, if your Drinking Team is about to go into battle, you want me on your side. But there is one drink that is my kryptonite.



That's right, fucking Peppermint Schnapps. I do well with all other varieties of Schnapps, but there's something about the Ice 101 that makes me overindulge, and I'm left a loud (and often dancing) mess. It might be that I'm always looking for that old Christmas Spirit, so I seek out alcohol that tastes like Candy Canes on Crack. Who knows, but that's my shame right there.

Mr. Zhuang: He's been known to partake in a variety of beverages, including the WDR favorite, rum (because we are a seafaring people). However, when Zhuang took a trip down to Montego Bay, disastrous results occurred.

Joe Reefer: Joe is classy. He will drink that Brandy out of a snifter, like a proper gentleman. But he also rocks the Southern Comfort, a drink reserved for the White Trash and for Southern Sorority Girls. And when he imbibes, that is when he reveals how he and his cousin touched weiners*. This is clearly the combination to the vault, as Seinfeld would say.
*Did not actually happen. But other crazy shit is often revealed.

Von Bookman: The one known weakness of this inter-dimensional being is a drink called Khoma. Lethal to mere mortals due to its heavy concentration of Clorox Bleach (heavy concentration being "anything higher than 0%"), this merely slows down this strange creature.

Dr. Kwabert: Does not do well with sake. I don't have a joke here, other than it's after drinking this that the Doctor starts shouting "Let's chop cats!".

Hal, the Holiday Armadillo: Coffee. Hal seems to do alright with alcohol, but I'm pretty sure it's his constant intake of the Java that keeps him in often ill health.

Sea Cow: Bartles & James.

There you go. Feel free to leave comments, all who read this, and reveal what your secret shame is. And I need to go get some absinthe, because goddammit, I need to visit the Green Fairy. Enjoy The Doors, and grab yourself a beer.

100th Post!

I know Nic Ouzo already claimed this, but his attempts to steal my glory are without substance.
I AM THE 100th POSTER!!!!!!!!!!!!

And there's only one way to celebrate that, here at WDR...

PANAMA! - FUCK YEAH!!

Joe Reefer Enjoys a Certain Part of the Female Anatomy

BOOBIES!


We here at WDR have known each other for many years now. As such, we've come to learn random things about each other. Mr. Zhuang is passionate not only of Led Zeppelin, but of miniature hot dogs, and my love of hobo weaponry has been established many times over the years. Joe Reefer also has his personal quirks, though none of them involve drawing. When it comes to women, though, it has been established that Joe has a fondness for a particular female attribute.

Breasteses. Tits. Juggs. Gazongas. Yabows. And various other childish names that you could throw out there. Joe enjoys 'em. Whatever you call them, they're never far from his mind. In fact, to him they are the defining female characteristic. When referring to a woman on television, he'll say "Listen to the boob-lady". In fact, if any female at all comes on screen, boobs are sure to be mentioned, whether it be their prominence or their lack there-of. And of course, there is the case of "BoobSocks", which resulted in me having my Facebook Wall vandalized for days without any explanation. That sure led to some great conversations from some of my friends who were not necessarily "in the know".


And we're fine with Joe's predilections. There's nothing wrong with being a Tits-Man; many successful people have been known for their proclivities in this regard. Einstein, Gen. Patton, and Ralph Macchio are of course extremely well-accomplished and also enjoyed a mighty fine pair. Except that Joe denies his proclivities in this regard. He claims to be an equal-opportunity guy, a Tits AND Ass lover, though in 8 years we had never heard him make mention of a woman's posterior. However, it was extremely comical to hear Joe attempt a defense against a charge that really means nothing. He has exhibited a passion that has been heretofore unforeseen, except for perhaps his mission to spread the word of Lady Terminator. We have all laughed heartily, to say the least.

I'm sorry Joe, we have the statistics to support our case, and all the star witnesses in the world won't help you now. At this point, we would just like Joe to admit once and for all his love for the boobies. And to aid him in this, we present this picture of a woman known worldwide for her, well, voluminous orbs, Miss Lucy Pinder.



Enjoy, Mr. Reefer. And the rest of you too. Remember, we have numbers.