Tales of Old Salem Towne: Of Glass Bongs And Lucky Fortunes

Salem: Taking the Fun Out of Psychedelics Since the Mid-19th Century

Nothing may ever top the tale of Methheads On The Loose, but that doesn't mean that the exploits of Salemfolk should be ignored. No, there is simply too much good shit that goes down in Capital City that needs to be remarked upon, and we're here to fulfill that purpose.

Now, I'm not one for studying the local paper--I skim a headline or two, and mainly check the various Op-Eds, because I'm a masochist like that (God forbid it's a Thursday and I have to examine a David Reinhard piece). But for some reason, fate drew me to this story on the bottom-fold of the front page, and I thank fate kindly for that. Simply put, it was a story of two men and their drugs.

Really, the headline "Glass bong becomes weapon amid drug-induced paranoia" says all you really need to know about the story. The story goes 1) Man eats mushrooms; 2) Man goes on bad trip; 3) Man accuses buddy of being a narc; 4) Man then uses closest thing to a weapon (the glass bong of the headline) to knock the shit out of buddy. All of which is proof that there are certain people that should be prepared to take the path of bullshit enlightenment, and others that should just stick with huffing spray-paint in the safety of their attic, or just drinking like the rest of us. Of course, you could also take the lesson to be "Don't leave your glass shit lying everywhere".


On a completely unrelated note, Salem landmark "Lucky Fortune" restaurant & lounge is on the brink of losing their liquor license\, therefore making the entire operation potentially pointless. Mind you, I'm only using the term landmark in the loosest sense--in reality, it's only a landmark to the WDR crew, who have constructed an entire mythology behind what we believe to be the one mob-backed eatery in town (well, yakuza-backed to be specific). Of course, when we heard that the reason for this is the fact that people constantly get shot there, we couldn't say that we were surprised. Not coming from a place that recently scored a 48 on its health inspection test.

We'll be sure to keep you updated, as more trivial retarded shit develops.

Watching Altered States In An Altered State

But have you watched the stars...on weed?

As has been mentioned numerous times in this space, I am unemployed, and as such, I currently have a lot of time on my hands. In between time spent "not doing anything" and "doing nothing", I've been watching movies a lot lately. And doing a lot of drinking. Often at the same time.

See, my grand plan was to split my time in a variety of noble pursuits. Afternoons were for catching up on my reading and nights were to be reserved for films, with writing filling up the spaces between. Well, I've done no reading, and you've seen my writing (eww), but hey, I've seen about 10 movies this week! Give me a goddamn gold star!



As for my alcoholic consumption, I stand by all this drinking if it helps me through these days, and hell, it helps with a lot of movies. And it makes watching "Next" reruns on MTV a helluva lot more enjoyable as well. Seriously, my gaydar ratchets into overdrive watching that show when I'm buzzed, and perfecting my theory that 3 out of every 5 guys on that show clearly buzzes with the fruit flies, and that when they do the gay-themed show, at least 1-2 are clearly just putting on appearances to piss off the family.

Drinking and film came together in a magical way on Sunday night, where Zhuang and I pre-gamed for No Pants Day by doing shots while watching Altered States. Of course, it would have been best to trip balls to this with some psychedelics, but that crackhead in San Francisco stiffed us on the shrooms. So, we made do with Jaeger, Crown Royal, tequila, and lots of beer. A good time was had by all, and we learned many things, like that William Hurt will forever be badass (unlike Joe Reefer). Hell, I might even catch that awful Dane Cook/Kevin Costner suckfest on cable just to see William Hurt go insane as the evil conscience. But there are two things that I'd like to discuss in further detail, beyond the awesomeness of The Hurt, as they were revealed after downing 2/3 of a fifth of tequilla.

1. Fiscal anthropology would be crazy.
2. I'd love to be paid to trip balls.

The first statement comes from Zhuang and me mishearing the statement of profession by the requisite love interest. I insist that this field should indeed exist, as we must explore such concepts as the spending habits of the 1915 streetwalker (was the buffalo nickel the currency of choice for a ZJ?) and what the color of our paper currency says about our sexual preferences. This is the kind of shit that we NEED to spend money on researching!



As for the second statement, this seemed to be an accurate description of William Hurt's job in the movie. The man was paid by Harvard University and its medical school to just do crazy shit, like having fun in isolation chambers and drinking magic jambalaya with Mexican aborigines. I believe that Hurt's position at the school is now unfulfilled, and I would like to submit myself to take over. I have no qualms about hanging out with Native Americans and their various hallucinogens and chilling in glorified swimming tanks. This sounds like my idea of a good time. And oh yeah, I'm sure I could write a paper or two on that crazy shit.

And as long as I get to drink and watch movies.