Masculine Manly Manliness: Drink Like A Champion

Today's post is inspired by this recent Deadspin article talking about Arizona QB (and USC alum) Matt Leinart's inability to maintain control under the influence of the fickle Sauvignon Blanc mistress. So we've decided to make the celebration of the upcoming weekend about our own drinking exploits, and cautiously reveal what beverage is the unfortunate weakness for each member of the WDR crew.

Now I want to first establish my bona fides. I am known to sling down whiskey, rum, gin, tequila, etc. with the best of them. I have watched Altered States in an Altered State. I have been known to play a round of Pong or five, sometimes with shots instead of the traditional beer. I am also the man who created the Devil's Balls. What's that? Here's the recipe

The Devil's Balls:
2 parts vodka
2 parts tequila
3 parts Jaeger (so it goes down smooth)
Serve in coffee cup. Because that's the Breakfast of a Goddamn Champion

And as I have proven from coast-to-coast, I am the fastest drinker of Jaeger and Irish Car Bombs that you will see, despite my only mediocre ability to chug any other beverage. I also hold my own with beer (the strong German type, not American pisswater), but don't know the full extent of my abilities--I don't overindulge, because I'm trying to watch my figure. In other words, if your Drinking Team is about to go into battle, you want me on your side. But there is one drink that is my kryptonite.



That's right, fucking Peppermint Schnapps. I do well with all other varieties of Schnapps, but there's something about the Ice 101 that makes me overindulge, and I'm left a loud (and often dancing) mess. It might be that I'm always looking for that old Christmas Spirit, so I seek out alcohol that tastes like Candy Canes on Crack. Who knows, but that's my shame right there.

Mr. Zhuang: He's been known to partake in a variety of beverages, including the WDR favorite, rum (because we are a seafaring people). However, when Zhuang took a trip down to Montego Bay, disastrous results occurred.

Joe Reefer: Joe is classy. He will drink that Brandy out of a snifter, like a proper gentleman. But he also rocks the Southern Comfort, a drink reserved for the White Trash and for Southern Sorority Girls. And when he imbibes, that is when he reveals how he and his cousin touched weiners*. This is clearly the combination to the vault, as Seinfeld would say.
*Did not actually happen. But other crazy shit is often revealed.

Von Bookman: The one known weakness of this inter-dimensional being is a drink called Khoma. Lethal to mere mortals due to its heavy concentration of Clorox Bleach (heavy concentration being "anything higher than 0%"), this merely slows down this strange creature.

Dr. Kwabert: Does not do well with sake. I don't have a joke here, other than it's after drinking this that the Doctor starts shouting "Let's chop cats!".

Hal, the Holiday Armadillo: Coffee. Hal seems to do alright with alcohol, but I'm pretty sure it's his constant intake of the Java that keeps him in often ill health.

Sea Cow: Bartles & James.

There you go. Feel free to leave comments, all who read this, and reveal what your secret shame is. And I need to go get some absinthe, because goddammit, I need to visit the Green Fairy. Enjoy The Doors, and grab yourself a beer.

Masculine Manly Manliness: Of Movies and Facial Hair

If there is one thing that we can't be accused of here at WDR, it's that we're not manly enough. Seriously, how can you volley a critique like that when we publish articles on such topics as lifting weights, drunken shenanigans of Steven Seagal, and the latest technological innovations from Tampax. Our credentials are unimpeachable in this regard.

So it is with this in mind that I fulfilled my Bastille Day promise this past weekend and did my patriotic duty and watched "Live Free or Die Hard". Expectations were low, considering that Bruce Willis is 78 years old and owns a Rascal, plus the fact that they toned the violence and language down to receive a PG-13 rating put a damper on my enthusiasm. Consider my surprise then that I found that the movie was great fun, keeping me less-than-riveted-but-very-much-engaged-with-the-proceedings (as-they-unfolded-on-the-very-large-screen (even if a lot of it revolved around typing really fast!!!)).

I realized that I had underestimated the role that dark humor had in the series, but now looking back I should have realized that they would continue the tradition of Gruber and Zeus. Though some may tire of his schtick, I still enjoy what Justin Long (he of Dodgeball and Mac V. PC fame) brought to the table as relentless geek, even if he sported the worst facial hair seen since this guy:



Plus, it doesn't hurt to have a cameo from Kevin Smith.

Speaking of facial hair, I'm going to do the stereotypical blog thing and reveal something absolutely pointless and personal. I recently switched razors, going from the Mach 3 Turbo that I had begun with to the snazzy/scary Fusion. I swear that the first time I used that razor that I had the fear of God in me as I watched this giant blade about as big as my fist come at my face.



I've gotten used to it at this point, but I have to say I can't really tell much of a difference in its performance. And if you think I mention all this just so I can link to this brilliant Onion article, then you know me too well (Note: this article was written many months before it actually happened). Seriously, we're going to have to discuss restraining orders at this point.