WDR: Back in Action!

Or: More empty promises

So the last time there was a post on this thing I went on about how there would be new posts and all that and then, well, didn't follow-up on that in a very timely manner. But there is good reason for this. Here's a brief overview:

-Joe just went through an epic move from living in a cubical (not his) to living at a local Del Taco. I think we can safely assume where Joe will be going for any late-night food.

-Nic is in Europe. Who knows what he's up to there. I can only assume that the summary will be something like that one scene from Rules of Attraction. You know what I'm talking about. Keep an eye out for any note from Nic about this.

-I've been in California enjoying blue skies, sunny weather, sandy beaches and HOLY FUCK WHY IS THERE ALL OF THIS SEWAGE EVERYWHERE?! YOU CALL THIS A RIVER?! Oh, sorry. But it was too expensive for me down there (except for the grocery store booze) so I had to come back.



Oh, and we're all lazy. Like I really needed to mention that.

So there you go. Joe promised to post something in the near future for your entertainment. I'm sure the sensation that comes with it will resemble the opening of the ark in Raiders of the Lost Ark. And by that I mean your face will melt off. But this will probably be a good thing.

So, is that enough of an update? Well, I sure hope so because it's hot as hell out now and I'm not drunk.

Happy Birthday Joe Reefer!

Normally we would allow the author to write his own birthday post. But Joe is probably on the run once again trying to escape child support payments. Or he's just being lazy. It's one or the other, with no room in between, or room outside of that box of choices. Enough with the ramble, on to the birthday wishes.



Enjoy.

I will no longer be able times-travel

And other things of note

There comes a time in a man's life, and I guess that time for me is now, when he must say "goodbye" to an old friend. An old friend who, as Joe put it, could "go back in times."

Today, I said "goodbye" to Grandma.

Not my real grandma, mind you; this was the name of my car. I don't really have a good picture of this majestic vehicle, but I can definitely find something similar on Google images. Look here!



Anyway, the old girl is gone. We had to send her off to the big car pasture in the sky because the brakes stopped working properly (in addition to a series of lesser issues including: Windows that don't roll down, overheating/self destructive engine, general cosmetic decay, broken tape deck and broken air conditioning). I ended her reign appropriately with a trip to Muchas Gracias for fast Mexican food. So now I'm set for a now vehicle that will change my life forever. Behold!



OK, so I had to get Google Images to help me again. But this is my new car. It does smell like a million cigarettes and a "Vanillaroma" scented tree, but it's my new ride and EVERYTHING WORKS.* I'll be taking this new vehicle for a run tomorrow. Not sure what to name it (Suggestions?) but I'm sure that something will present itself. Oh, and "Whitey" will not be one of those names. Not at all.

In other news, the UO Ducks had an embarrassing play today against Boise State. Granted, they are now on their FIFTH QB of the season after four weeks playing, but still. Luckily this guy Thomas seems to know his shit enough to be reasonably competent. But this loss did end the chance for a perfect season and places the Ducks as #2 to USC in the PAC 10. (Why were we #1 in the PAC 10 over the #1 team in the nation? Well, it has to do with the technicality of having played more games this season. Sidenote over.)

Also, Nic isn't the only one to go to a great concert recently. While my isn't as epic as Nic's, nor is the band as well known, but it still kicked ass. You see, I saw Menomena play at the Eugene celebration. Yeah. And for some reason they were categorized as "punk." The show was short, but great. As the set started, the perfection of the percussion side of the band became apparent. In addition to the fact that these guys can really play any instrument they happen to pick up and alternate vocal duties throughout the concert, they actually managed to get some people dancing. Much of the set consisted of songs off the new album, which I am not as familiar with as I am with their first release. Still, the show was good and ended with the great "Evil Bee" and some nice saxophone action. Then it was off to the bars to celebrate with booze and random women. Yes, it was a good night in Eugene.

Is there anything else to add? Oh yeah - I've been working on this magazine for the last few weeks and have had virtually no social life outside of this immense project. But it's almost done and people will, once again, see me roaming the streets drunk.



Oh, and Joe needs to post something up here soon. We miss ya, buddy!

Hump Day Helper -- Slacker Generation Edition

Because it's Wednesday Friday, and we all need a pick-me-up to make it through the rest of the week in our respective hells, WDR is providing some fun.

Hey, when you get a special post The Joe Reefer, you can sacrifice the schedule for a bit. In a fitting tribute to this purposeful laziness, we bring you the most accomplished slacker-rock that you can find. And for the record, Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain is a kickass album.

Don't worry--we're in no hurry...

Joe Reefer Watches 8 Minutes of "Air Bud: Golden Receiver"

Though it will be my name that appears as the author of this post, all credit for this goes to our demented genius Joe Reefer. Believe me, we've been trying to get him to write more often, but we simply don't have enough women to bribe Joe (which is totally due to the fact that we couldn't pick up anyone to save our lives (and I guess frankly, we're kind of scared of them (the horror, the shame!))).

This is a reprint of a conversation that I had with Joe over AIM this past Sunday. Yes, we use such olden technology as the Instant Messenger, and not just communicate in Series of Texts. It's being reprinted without permission (not even implied oral consent, much less expressed written consent), and is edited for length and clarity*, and some random annotated "director's commentary" from me.

*we didn't need a discussion of the Thomas The Tank Engine version of "There Will Be Blood", really

Joe Reefer: I am actually watching an airbud movie
Joe Reefer: the director's choices are... immaculate
Nic Ouzo: i'm telling you, it's a brilliant series on par with The Godfather and Star Wars
Joe Reefer: you missed the amazing "OH NO MY DOG IS ON THE COURT *camera spins on its axis and image distorts in a zig-zag*" shot
Nic Ouzo: so they did that thing where they attach the camera to your waist, so you get that weird drunken feeling, but to a dog?
Nic Ouzo: because that would be awesome
Joe Reefer: haha, no it was a close-up of the kid's face in shock... and then his head spun so it was upside-down for a minute
Nic Ouzo: hehehe
Joe Reefer: then the image distorted like a bad dream-sequence edit, except it never faded to anything new
Nic Ouzo: i can see scorsese using that in his next picture
Joe Reefer: I hope he does


Joe Reefer: all it was missing was the Home Alone hands-on-cheeks moment
Nic Ouzo: we need to mail him a copy of Airbud with a note saying precisely this!*
Joe Reefer: actually, I think this is the one about football
Joe Reefer: I was just confused at the beginning because it had a whole sequence of people finding out he could play basketball, and I had assume that this had been dealt with in the original AirBud, but....
Nic Ouzo: haha
Nic Ouzo: it's like a "in case you were wondering, here are the origins of our hero"
Joe Reefer: except it wasn't a flashback... as far as I could tell
Nic Ouzo: well then they were just picking up where they left off, i guess
Joe Reefer: I don't know, I was very confused


Nic Ouzo: well, that's the thing about Airbud movies
Nic Ouzo: true mindbenders
Joe Reefer: it's pretty heady stuff
Joe Reefer: you also missed the great subplot where the kid decides to play football to protest his mom dating some guy he doesn't like
Nic Ouzo: that's how I ended up in theater camp
Joe Reefer: hehehe
Nic Ouzo: *not a true story†
Joe Reefer: why must you turn my im window into a house of lies
Nic Ouzo: because that's how i roll
Nic Ouzo: Boom, bitch.




***********************

One Hour Later…

Joe Reefer: OH NO
Joe Reefer: AIRBUD GOT SACKED
Joe Reefer: AIRBUD IS DOWN
Joe Reefer: CAN THE TEAM GO ON WITHOUT A DOG AS ITS QUARTERBACK???
Nic Ouzo: no


Joe Reefer: yeah they lose the series
Nic Ouzo: i think they're totally fucked
Joe Reefer: they are
Joe Reefer: there is no way that the main kid-character will somehow win the game at the last second
Joe Reefer: OH SHIT
Joe Reefer: they're going with a B-52 crossing pattern
Joe Reefer: THEY ARE IN THEIR OWN PRIVATE IDAHO, MOTHERFUCKERS
Nic Ouzo: HA
Nic Ouzo: they went totally gay on this?‡


Joe Reefer: if you have never seen a dog in a football jersey barking in support of his football team, then AirBud: Golden Receiver is the movie for you


Nic Ouzo: hahahahaha
Joe Reefer: YYYEEEEESSSSSS
Joe Reefer: GGGGGOOOOOOOOAAAAALLLLLL
Nic Ouzo: i expect a full write-up of this on the blog
Joe Reefer: HE THREW THE BALL
Joe Reefer: HE THREW THE BALL
Joe Reefer: THE ANGELS WIN THE PENDENT
Joe Reefer: SOMEONE CAUGHT THE BALL
Joe Reefer: WOOHOOOO
Nic Ouzo: (pennant, not pendent"
Nic Ouzo: hehe
Joe Reefer: oh whatever
Nic Ouzo: hehehe
Nic Ouzo: i just tried to sneak it in
Joe Reefer: I don't think I can ever write about this movie again, it was so far beyond retarded....
Nic Ouzo: noooooo!
Nic Ouzo: seriously, that quote about "this is the movie for you" was brilliant
Joe Reefer: also I think I watched a sum-total of maybe 8 minutes of this movie
Nic Ouzo: like that matters
Joe Reefer: alright, I'll put it in the "Maybe" pile
Nic Ouzo: the YES pile
Joe Reefer: by which I mean that if ... whatever station this is... re-runs it again today I will do it
Nic Ouzo: hehehe


Joe Reefer: wait, I thought he joined the football team so his mom wouldn't date this guy
Joe Reefer: ... for some reason...
Joe Reefer: but now he is hugging the guy♠
Nic Ouzo: well, he learned about family and all that bullshit
Nic Ouzo: that revenge isn't always the best motivation
Joe Reefer: I see this as being the biggest plot-hole of the film
Nic Ouzo: hehe
Nic Ouzo: "Joe Reefer Watches 8 minutes of Air Bud: Golden Receiver"
Joe Reefer: hehehe
Joe Reefer: okay, the best part of this movie is officially this - Immediately after the movie, whatever sitcom it is that came on after started off with an exchange about Santa not being real
Joe Reefer: I'm willing to bet that some childrens' lives were just ruined right here♪

*This was very similar to our original plan to remake Audioslave: send them old Soundgarden and Rage Against the Machine records, with a note saying "Hey, you should check these guys out!"

†It was actually ice dancing camp

‡From what I remember of a plot summary of the movie, I think it had something to do with gay hookers. Sorry Mr. Port Land, Gus Van Sant, I haven't seen your movie.

♠I like how Joe, who pretty much hates sports, knew all the sports movie clichés, but not the generic "family coming together" cliché

♪I've run out of things to use for footnotes

It's 2008--WHY CAN'T I TELEPORT?!?!

Well, another year has come and gone. Another year that saw no flying cars, no one-pill meals, and most importantly, no teleportation. Honestly, it's as if scientists are doing diddly-squat these days. Stem cells? Hydrogen Power? All nonsense. Get me a damn teleportation module, then you can fritter your time away on things like "improving health" and "alternative energy".

And with that gloriously retarded introduction, that should be a cue as good as any that the geniuses that run WDR are back and ready to go. We'll be sure to provide the latest in inside jokes, inane commentary, and supremely controversial nonsense, in conjunction with random attempts at seriousness, therefore defeating our attempts to be both humorous and informative in one fell swoop. If you can't appreciate our schizophrenic nature, then please feed us our meds. They fell outside of our cages. We'd really appreciate the help.



And for all the people that arrive to our site just to look at the pictures from our AIDS-Hot post, welcome and enjoy your visit. For those of you who came here because you were apparently researching "banana bread rape"*, well, please seek help. I don't even want to know the context of that search.

*actual search term used to find our site

So what do you have to look forward to in the new year from the WDR crew?

1. More posts from Joe Reefer. You asked for it, and you will get it. If not, Joe will know the business-end of my cattle prod all too well (that's right Joe, I ended up actually buying one. Fear the prod).
2. Posts that were previously promised will come to fruition. What will that include? A thesis on Honey Bunches of Oats, A Day in the Life of The Penguin, and more pointless lists.
3. Mr. Zhuang's ancient Chinese secrets.
4. More goofy pictures.
5. More drinking.

So there you go. 2008 is going to kick ass. It's certainly gonna be better than 2007. After all, the only thing that came out in 2007 was this stupid site. All we ask is that you leave comments--they're sure to be better than whatever crap we actually post.

Fiesta Friday! The One Week Late Edition

Last week, I instructed one of my colleagues to write a quick post for the Friday edition, so that we wouldn't have a day off. I would have written one, but as was mentioned several times previously, I was studying for the goddamn LSAT. All I suggested was that we post a video of one of the greatest human beings of all time.

Well, that post didn't happen. The colleague responsible will remain nameless, but I'm sure you kids who have been brought up on Slylock Fox will figure it out. So, I said to myself, "Feliz Navidad, bitches." And I present to you now the video of this Great American Hero.

I am talking of course about Wilford Brimley. The man is a national treasure, from his homespun sayings to his incredible ability to endure pain. And he also warned us about the potential horrors of, what he likes to call, "The Diabeetis". Today, we're playing this video in honor of his service.

That's The Ticket!

Ticketmaster is the worst fucking company in existence.

Anyone who has ever had to deal with The Company That Should Not Exist, knows the agony of paying for the "convenience" of being ass-raped (metaphorically speaking of course--to be literally ass-raped, that would require the use of a different company, probably Coors Brewing). One is told that an event costs X amount of dollars per ticket, but when the bill comes at the end of the purchasing attempt, one finds eight additional charges added at random, inflating the price to an unimaginable degree.



For example, today I took advantage of a special opportunity to purchase tickets to see Interpol for the LOW LOW PRICE of $9.47. In the end, I ended paying over 100 percent in extra charges, with a final bill of 22 some-odd dollars. Looking over the bill, there were three convenience charges, plus an extra charge for picking up my tickets at Will Call. Because apparently by going this route, I have inconvenienced the venue by forcing them to have someone at the Box Office to handle my business. Of course, this never would have been the case if we all decided on the convenience of ten-dollar home delivery, so it's our own damn fault!

At least, people are finally once again looking at the excessive overcharges of Ticketmaster, years after Pearl Jam failed to get anywhere in their attempts. You would think that a company that has a monopoly on the industry would have been prosecuted beforehand, but that's just too logical. Damn Rich Uncle Pennybags!



And so you know, blame the disoriented nature of this ramble on jetlag--it's bitch to travel from Portland to LA>

100th Post!

I know Nic Ouzo already claimed this, but his attempts to steal my glory are without substance.
I AM THE 100th POSTER!!!!!!!!!!!!

And there's only one way to celebrate that, here at WDR...

PANAMA! - FUCK YEAH!!

Watch Out For the Oregon Duck--He'll Crotchslap You

Yeah, I'm late with this. I'm sure this disappoints all of you who expect up-to-the-second news from WDR, and for this we apologize. Blame Zhuang for holding up this post due to politics. but with him out of the picture (for now...for now.), we're free to run this hilarious footage.

Warning: It really kind of gets graphic at the end. You stay classy, U of O.

No University of Oregon Ducks approved this post

And more mascot fun here. Because I'm generous like that.