It's 2008--WHY CAN'T I TELEPORT?!?!

Well, another year has come and gone. Another year that saw no flying cars, no one-pill meals, and most importantly, no teleportation. Honestly, it's as if scientists are doing diddly-squat these days. Stem cells? Hydrogen Power? All nonsense. Get me a damn teleportation module, then you can fritter your time away on things like "improving health" and "alternative energy".

And with that gloriously retarded introduction, that should be a cue as good as any that the geniuses that run WDR are back and ready to go. We'll be sure to provide the latest in inside jokes, inane commentary, and supremely controversial nonsense, in conjunction with random attempts at seriousness, therefore defeating our attempts to be both humorous and informative in one fell swoop. If you can't appreciate our schizophrenic nature, then please feed us our meds. They fell outside of our cages. We'd really appreciate the help.



And for all the people that arrive to our site just to look at the pictures from our AIDS-Hot post, welcome and enjoy your visit. For those of you who came here because you were apparently researching "banana bread rape"*, well, please seek help. I don't even want to know the context of that search.

*actual search term used to find our site

So what do you have to look forward to in the new year from the WDR crew?

1. More posts from Joe Reefer. You asked for it, and you will get it. If not, Joe will know the business-end of my cattle prod all too well (that's right Joe, I ended up actually buying one. Fear the prod).
2. Posts that were previously promised will come to fruition. What will that include? A thesis on Honey Bunches of Oats, A Day in the Life of The Penguin, and more pointless lists.
3. Mr. Zhuang's ancient Chinese secrets.
4. More goofy pictures.
5. More drinking.

So there you go. 2008 is going to kick ass. It's certainly gonna be better than 2007. After all, the only thing that came out in 2007 was this stupid site. All we ask is that you leave comments--they're sure to be better than whatever crap we actually post.

Tampax Has Discovered Cardboard Technology! (And Other Marevels of the Modern World...)

I'm sure many of you WDR fans are still reeling from our non-stop break-neck postarama this last weekend. I know, there have been a lot of posts lately, and you're probably trying desperately to catch up so as not to be left behind on the current news and trends. For instance, I am currently not wearing pants. Indeed, the Simpsons marathon effort this weekend was a rousing success that WDR has not seen since my infamous smattering of the front page in honor of our One Month Anniversary.

I know many of you are tired of hearing about this, and have just sifted through days of insightful Simpsons commentary, discussion, and memorabilia from Mr. Zhuang and I. I'm afraid Nic Ouzo failed to meet his quota and has been disciplined with a temporary ban effective through Sunday, July 30. There is just one last musing I have to make on The Simpsons Movie, and I will make it brief so I may get to the more pressing matters, as well as those topically linked with the title of this post that probably enticed you to read this.

So, for The Simpsons. I cannot really say my piece much more eloquently than Mr. Ouzo did on Friday. Mr. Zhuang and I's posts were simply carrying on the same theme, naturally with some different favorite quotes. For instance, I happen to be a Sea Captain enthusiast, so as you no doubt noticed my posts were punctuated incessantly with "Yars." I also enjoy thrusting in the direction of a quality poke at our education system and health standards... so I'm sure I included "Grade F: Mostly Circus Animal, Some Filler" ... Mr. Zhuang of course has no sense of humor... but as the token person of ethnic-looking persuasion in our group, he has been known to defend his beliefs with a stern "Please do not offer my god a peanut."

Anywho, I still haven't seen the movie yet. I'm not listening to or reading anything about it, because I want it to be a surprise. The pig advertisements have been a little worrisome, but I know that if anyone can pull off a movie somehow centering around a person becoming enamored with a pig, it's The Simpsons. However, my naive hope is that they have retained their episode pseudo-formula where the intro has little or nothing to do with the rest of the episode, and the pig business resides there.

Enough of The Simpsons... On with the show!


I know that our female counterparts out there in the world are always complaining about being held back by a male dominated society. Honestly, I always thought they were just whining, or maybe it was just "that time of the month" ... if you know what I mean... (I mean their vaginas bleed. Seriously, I'm not making this up.) ... However a recent ad I caught sparked a sudden realization about how repressed our women really are. I am sad to report that the more boob-ed of our species are severely behind the times due to our chauvinistic stranglehold on the workplace:


That's right, women have just discovered Cardboard technology! This may come as a shock to many of our male readers, most of whom have been aware of the wonders of cardboard for quite some time. After all, cardboard is one of the staples of modern male existence. Cardboard is the transporter of Hot Pockets, the.... oh hell, let's just admit it... Cardboard tubes were the original method of male enhancement.
I can hardly imagine a world without cardboard. Multiple layers of paper would be necessary to contain a product; or plastic, or wood, or cloth, or metal. It would be madness.

Women, on behalf of men everywhere, I would like to apologize for keeping the magic that is cardboard secret for all this time. If I had known that thick, sometimes-corrugated, paper technology was of such great importance to you, I would have made it my personal mission to divulge the secrets of cardboard myself.

On behalf of all men, please accept my apologies, and I beg of you... if there is anything... anything else that has been kept from you women, please let me know. I am always up for giving women something new and exciting to put put in their vaginas.

P.S. I swear I know the guy in this picture, and he is an enormous jackass... In case I'm wrong, I'd like to say the following to the actual guy pictured:

I'm sorry for mistaking you for someone I knew; also, you look like an enormous jackass.




In other news, I have been enjoying the new stream of ads from the amorphous "Oil and Natural Gas Industry" ... It's kinda like those pro-milk or pro-cheese ads; sure, there are tons of brands all competing with each other for their market, but why not pool countless dollars into advertising for a product 99% of the world is going to buy either way? ... Sure, some of these ads have a more viable point, like demonizing legislation intended to prevent future price-gouging and fake shortage scares, but at this point who's even keeping track?

I would just like to say one thing about these ads: It's about time. That's right. I'm glad they've finally made a point of emphasizing the people of America's Oil and Natural Gas Industry. Frankly, I think they should have done it years ago. It was a huge mistake to let the Hideous Blood-Thirsty Spacemonster of America's Oil and Natural Gas Industry hog their advertising spotlight for so many years. So I say to you, low-sulfur truck driver man, kudos to you. Your fuel that is indeed ever-so-slightly less polluting when combusted in your engine never ceases to brighten my day, and we'll all just sweep that whole "takes nearly twice the energy to refine" business under the rug. At least I don't have to see that two-faced, seven-assed, monstrosity with its bloodshot eyes and seemingly endless supply of blood, oil, semen, and holy water flowing from every orifice advertising my friends from the Oil and Natural Gas Industry any longer. I mean honestly, how can you put such an evil face on these companies? They only let those Californian folk suffer for the good of our national economy, and it would've worked too if it weren't for those meddling... oh wait, they just fucked up and got caught because they became so outrageously greedy.



Oil is indeed thicker than blood. The US seems to be hemorrhaging both. Maybe we should invest in some cardboard technology of our own to plug up those leaks.