A Series of Texts: On the MacBook Air

The media just loves everything that Apple (Inc.) does these days, as evidenced by the breathless hype that surrounds every product lunch (holy shit, it's a phone you can touch! Fuck me sideways with a lunchbox, Carolyn, because I gotta dish out 600 bucks for a slow-ass phone!). Not that I have a grudge against the company--they have quite the flair for aesthetic values, and are generally good about making things easy-to-use. I mean, who am I to begrudge a company whose most popular product is prone to random massive failings that require sending it back every 8 months for repairs, and has no media attention to problems like these? That's just being petty.



So it's no surprise that there was the usual hoopla surrounding the announcement of the latest Apple innovation, the ultra-light laptop anointed MacBook Air. Joe Reefer and I were such fans of this absolutely necessary step in technology, that while watching a commercial for the product, we engaged in A Series of Texts. Haha, it's the return of a beloved WDR staple!

Much in the spirit of a game I used to play with Dr. Von Bookman, we came up with some alternate taglines for this FABULOUS NEW PRODUCT. Hopefully, these will prove to be as memorable as "Curious George Engages In A Knife Fight" or "Harry Potter and the Hands-y Gym Teacher" (Note: These are a poor approximation of what was once brilliant humor. Hopefully this will give you at least a partial idea of the genius that was the original joke.)

Nic Ouzo: The MacBook Air: Because I need a laptop that I can fling across the room like a frisbee.
Joe Reefer: Because i want to give myself a papercut while i look up porn at the airport.
Nic Ouzo: Because I want more fragile electronics in my life.
Joe Reefer: Because i can fold it up and put it in my pocket and tell girls 'it's not that i'm happy to see you, it's that i have an expensive new macbook air in my pocket'
Nic Ouzo: Because I need a computer that I can use to slit my throat after it informs me that my stocks have crashed.
Nic Ouzo: Why is the laptop in your pocket?
Joe Reefer: Because I am compensating for my small penis with this enormous laptop.
Nic Ouzo: I thought the laptop's selling point was that it was small.
Joe Reefer: Let me explain jokes to you. You see......
Nic Ouzo: The MacBook Air: Because I need a computer I can easily lose between the seats in my car.
Nic Ouzo: I like jokes.

Well, I'm sure that Apple's ad company is sure to mine this short brainstorm session for some ideas. But then again, after all, who needs advertising when you're selling a computer without a disk drive? I mean, everything is downloaded these days! I cannot see this failing.

Joe Talks About Things He Couldn't Care Less About Vol. 1: Football

(In chat-log form)

Subtext: Kentucky 43, LSU 37.

Oct. 13, 2007
Zhuang (7:36:36 PM): Nic is probably pissed
Reefer (7:38:25 PM): yeah, he's not speaking about it
Zhuang (7:36:56 PM): i can imagine
Zhuang (7:37:06 PM): top two teams got beaten today
Reefer (7:38:55 PM): no fault of mine
Zhuang (7:37:38 PM): oregon killed washington state
Zhuang (7:37:47 PM): but washington isn't that good anyway
Zhuang (7:37:54 PM): 53 to 7
Reefer (7:39:45 PM): ... you realize I don't care.
Zhuang (7:38:18 PM): yeah
Zhuang (7:38:25 PM): but i'm just saying
Zhuang (7:39:06 PM): oh, and something else you probably don't care about
Zhuang (7:39:31 PM): but colorado university's coach started his career coaching at willamette
Zhuang (7:39:39 PM): which i find funny
Reefer (7:41:42 PM): hehe
Reefer (7:41:43 PM): yeah
Reefer (7:41:48 PM): but our guy now doesn't have any hands
Reefer (7:41:52 PM): so they can go fuck themselves




[19:02] The Hobo Yeti: ive just realized why girls from kentucky like it in the ass so much
[19:03] Reefer: hahahahahahaha
[19:03] Reefer: hahahahahahaha
[19:03] Reefer: I don't even care what it is
[19:03] Reefer: that phrase was hilarious enough
[19:03] The Hobo Yeti: youre welcome
[19:03] The Hobo Yeti: the reason isnt nearly that great
[19:04] Reefer: lol
[19:06] Reefer: ... you do actually have to tell me though
[19:06] The Hobo Yeti: well i mean
[19:06] The Hobo Yeti: the state abbreviation is KY
[19:06] The Hobo Yeti: cmon now
[19:06] Reefer: ... you're an idiot, you know that right?
[19:06] The Hobo Yeti: yes.
[19:07] The Hobo Yeti: i told you it wasnt nearly as good :P
[19:13] Reefer: I'm shunning you.
[19:14] The Hobo Yeti: aw



At this point I would like to introduce a far better sport to the world. The sport to end all sports. The sport by which all other sports may be judged. The name of this sport?

...Futball.

The game? - One American-football team vs. a soccer team. The more lenient rules of each game apply simultaneously. For instance, you can carry the soccer ball, each team gets a goalie, etc. One end of the court has a soccer goal, while the other has an end zone, and the team switches goals at half-time, while the ball used in play switches as each "down". More rules to follow later.

We Can't Stop Here! This Is Bat Country!

I would have imagined yesterday that the highlight of my day would've been seeing the Flaming Lips live (a full review is forthcoming, but in a word: freakin' awesome), but somehow something much crazier than dancing Santas and Martians throwing confetti at me happened. What I will now describe is the absolute truth, and has not been embellished in any shape or form. Because that would be lying, and lying is wrong.


I was in the den, preparing to watch the rest of "The Colbert Report" before I went to bed. I was just settling into the couch, when out of the corner of my eye I saw something fluttering in the kitchen. At first I thought it was a dragonfly or something similar, but I realized it was much too large. I got up slowly to take a more careful look, when I was shocked to see that I had a goddamn bat in my kitchen, going absolutely apeshit. I slammed the door to the den, and paused to collect myself. After a few moments' consideration, I decided that my first best action was to text message a presumably-sleeping Joe Reefer as to my predicament. After all, what the hell kind of sane person is still awake at 2 am?

There's a bat in the house. It has scared the shit out of me.

I then decided at some point I had to confront the threat head-on, mainly because I didn't feel like sleeping in the den. So I came up with a plan to try and guide the bat outside through the door in the kitchen. At my disposal was the only thing at hand, a pillow. This was not really a helpful thing, but I felt better covering up my face with it as I prepared to combat the flying verminrodent. I then slowly made my way into the kitchen, inching along the wall and attempting to exeunt the bat through the door to the garage. That did not work, as the bat didn't fly into that direction. So I switched strategies on the fly, moving along to the door to the deck on the other side of the kitchen, pausing several times as the bat divebombed its way towards me on several occasions.

After multiple unsuccessful attempts to prop the safetybar up, I finally was able to open the door. I yelled at the bat, Get OUT, thinking that English was of course the bat's natural language. Meanwhile, my cat Rambo decided that now was the perfect time to come into the house, and he ducks on in. After the bat does another couple of loops through the room, Rambo JUMPS UP and knocks the bat down. I paused, concerned for my cat's well-being, and slowly make my way over to check on him. I then see my cat happily finishing up eating the bat. And you know what? All he wanted in return was a bellyrub and to sleep on my bed. I complied.

I relayed the information to Joe Reefer, and he responds the next morning with a brilliant summation of the entire episode:

Holy crap! Rambo is a badass

Yes, indeed he is.

A Series of Texts

This is what happens when FOX decides that it's better to show one of the worst sequels of all time (the incredibly pointless The Lost World) instead of their Sunday Night lineup. You have me passed out on the couch randomly texting my friends about who-knows-what.

(And yes, I have railed against texting before as utterly pointless, but I have found that sometimes a random declarative statement in the right context is utterly sublime, especially if one cannot take the 5 seconds to make an actual phone call).

Nic Ouzo (to all): The Lost World?! You piss me off, Fox!
Mr. Zhuang: Hehe

Von Bookman: I need to learn swedish
Nic Ouzo: Explain?



Nic Ouzo (to all): Andy rooney is insane. Babbling about watches...
Joe Reefer: You could've just said 'andy rooney is talking'...
Nic Ouzo: I know, but specifics were funny

Von Bookman: I'm sick of being on ella youtube pages and not understanding what is being said.
Nic Ouzo: I did not know of her massive Swedish fanbase. I would have guessed Mongolians.

The "ella" in question is Ella Fitzgerald

Joe Reefer: Racism is uncalled for
Nic Ouzo: So's your face.
Joe Reefer: The arch duke is not at the table for this discussion
Nic Ouzo: Well pass it on, Cottonballs.

Joe Reefer's Face is a separate entity known as the Archduke. It has been assassinated on numerous occasions, most notably in 1914 when it started WWI. Cottonballs is just a funny name I heard on the Demetri Martin album

Von Bookman: She was clearly the david hasselhoff of nordic europe.
Nic Ouzo: Does Norm MacDonald have a theory?



Joe Reefer:...I don't know how to feel just now
Nic Ouzo: Feel like a walrus.
Joe Reefer: If you are indeed comparing me to john lennon, i approve
Nic Ouzo: I am comparing you to a sea monster. Maybe groundhog would have been better.
Joe Reefer: Every dog has its day, and every hog has its way, but every groundhog has Groundhog's Day and i guess that's alright

Nic Ouzo (to Joe and Mr. Zhuang): Chris Martin is one ugly bastard in the Yellow video.

Nic Ouzo (to Joe and Mr. Zhuang): Tesla? Damn you, Tube!

It was that damn hippie song, "Signs"--sign sign, everywhere a sign (crammit, hippie), and it was acoustic. Good God



Nic Ouzo: Alright, I dub thee CRAPWEASEL.
Nic Ouzo: or EMU
Joe Reefer: Damn. I was shooting for Holiday Armadillo
Nic Ouzo: That's Hal.
Joe Reefer: Touche.

Hal IS the Holiday Armadillo. Trust us.

Nic Ouzo: Oh yeah, apparently Sea Cow needs another year at U of O
Joe Reefer: Well, when i talked to him he said he was majoring in math, chemistry, and physics...If that's true then i can't blame him. But in the likely chance tha
Joe Reefer: t he was making things up i must laugh
Nic Ouzo: I saw that, but it's still stupid. Pick a minor. Not gonna contribute anything, anyways
Joe Reefer: Yeah, chemistry is a subset of physics anyway. Between that and math, chemistry should be implied and a degree would be redundant.
Nic Ouzo: My thoughts

I wasn't going to get into a discussion about the merits of chemistry and physics. Fuck that, I wanted a Fudgsicle.



Well that sure was enjoyable. Oh, can you imagine the lunacy of hanging out with these people 24/7? It would be a riot! Ha HA! Take that, Laugh-In!