Catch it Monday, on a New Episode of CSI: Miami!

I had made the unfortunate decision to spend my Saturday night at "home". This was mainly the result of me realizing that it was probably a bad idea to try and rely on the DC MetroBus late on a Saturday night, and also just generally being tired. The first part of the evening was spent wasting time on the Internet, followed by me relaxing by listening to Loveless.

Upon waking up I ventured downstairs and decided to see what was on the TV. Note that since there is no cable here in this residence where I am at temporarily, my options were pretty limited. For some reason, I settled on some TV newsmagazine, which I later found out to be 48 Hrs.: Mystery on CBS. Awesome.


I quickly became not-engrossed into the story of some serial killer dude. But there was a twist! You see, he killed attractive women! It's not at all like the plot of some bad 80's movie (Heat, the Burt Reynolds edition, I'm looking in your direction!). Well, it wasn't just that. The dude was a photographer. So he first took pictures of the pretty ladies. Then apparently he killed and mutilated them and a whole bunch of gross things.

Of course the emphasis wasn't really on the acts of violence themselves, but the targets. So with this hook of a photographer shooting models, well, that just gave the producers an excuse to randomly show footage of skeazy 80s photoshoots mixed in with serious, hard-hitting quasi-journalistic interviews.


But that wasn't nearly the worst part. The thing is, apparently one of the stars of CSI:Miami and her sister had their photos taken by this dude! So we went onto the set of the show to talk to her about her experience being a near-victim. They were shooting this new episode where some dude would show up at these model photoshoots, and would kill them...hey, it's the exactly like what happened in the 48 Hrs. story that we've been watching! And guess what? 48 Hrs. conveniently reminds you that you should CATCH THIS NEW EPISODE OF CSI: MIAMI ON MONDAY NIGHT!

Wow, that show promotion was really subtle. I didn't notice that a quarter of this supposed journalistic enterprise was devoted TO ANOTHER TV SHOW ON THE SAME NETWORK! It's not as if I'm expecting quality journalism here, but still, I found the whole thing to be a bit galling. It's just a whole new low.

Remember kids, this week on The Wayne Diego Report, you'll get what you all came here to see: HARD-CORE NUDITY! (may not actually occur)

Since "Great Oden's Raven!" was taken...

"This is a story all about how my life got flipped - turned upside-down, and I'd like to take a minute just you sit right there, I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Portland..."

This is what I picture Greg Oden singing as he waves to people driving up and down the Symeo-5 in Portland. Sure, it doesn't rhyme as well, but he is a huge Fresh Prince fan. As Mike Bellotti would say, "You fucking pussies! Take my shoe and get me a helmet...I'm kicking this field goal." I think the world would be a lot more interesting if these things I imagine happening actually did happen.

So I found this picture of Oden "dancing" with some chick at a party. Pretty good stuff if you ask me. I tried to find a good picture of of Oden with his oldman beard, but no such luck. However, when searching for "Greg Oden beard" I came up with the following picture:




Jager? Wow. I didn't know that Greg Oden and Jager were such a pair. Maybe I'll have to take Jager bombs when I watch Blazers games next year... if I watch them.

This is truly a retarded music video

Thank god for The Tube. The one cable channel I'm getting in these non-cable days, it often provides great entertainment. I love the random old retro videos that pop up, like some random performances of Hendrix and the Animals. I also see lots of really old crappy videos. Like this one, from some famous dudes who reunited.

Honestly, who throws a shoe? That's just the first of many questions.

Are they graduates or something? Of the school from "Fame"? Why are they doing the "Old Man Dance", as patented by my friend Dr. Kwabert? And why do I have to see Gordon (sorry, I mean 'Sting') strip?

My favorite part: the drummer dancing around. You see, you know he's the drummer because he's dancing with his drumsticks!

Seriously, this video needs more recognition for its awfulness. Help me realize this goal, please!

I Don't Think I Understood More Than Three Words Of That Last Post

There are times in your life when a concept suddenly hits you. Like being blindsided by a car at highway speed (not the speed limit, mind you, but actual driving speed) or that damned burst of sunlight as soon as you step out of a movie theater in the day, it's as if the whole world is different in the blink of an eye. Often you feel quite stupid for not having realized this revelation previously. I can think of several occasions for myself: Discovering what the word "porn" meant after years of rhetorically asking my parents and any passengers in our car what the sign that always read "no child porn here" referred to, realizing that the Pythagorean theorem applies to the sides of a triangle rather than its angles... it gets pretty nerdy from there on out so I'll just leave it at that.

My point here is this - There is an equal and opposite phenomena that abounds as well. I like to call this opposite-effect "Overous Headious". Clever, I know. The term describes the long-term sinking in of the realization that you have not caught on, and will never catch on, to something. In my case, sports are a subject of Overous Headious. I have never understood sports. I am incapable of remembering the rules, I cannot keep track of scoring systems, and titles of field positions and the like are absolutely Greek to me.



This is ironic, as I had a rather successful (though short-lived) career in elementary basketball and soccer teams as a kid. You would think that in several years of playing the games, I would remember some of the basic concepts. Granted, I do know the difference between 2-point and 3-point shots in basketball, but that's about it. In soccer, I was praised because I could score a goal from any location on the field; even as a goalie. However, I could not tell you anything about the sport other than "you have to get the ball into the other team's net, and you can't use your hands." Similarly with basketball - "you have to get the ball into your net, and you can't use your feet." ... Maybe it is the inherent similarities to these concepts that makes them memorable. That, or I could be declared legally retarded for not understanding that much about sports that I have personally played.

My point here, is that sports have always been beyond me. I do not mean I am physically incapable of playing sports, but rather I simply have a mental block on understanding sports. I will never be able to play for the sole reason of being unable to remember the rules, positions, scoring systems, and other fundamentals of any sport. This goes doubly so for football, which uses so many plays and terms that I actually become dizzy thinking about even trying to commit it all to memory. So, for all you readers out there that saw that last post and thought "I don't think I understood more than three words of that post", know that you are not alone.



Adios, Muchachos.

Great Oden's Raven!

Tomorrow should be one of the greatest days in the history of the Portland Trail Blazers. That is, if they do as exactly as they should and select the mythical Norse God Greg Oden.


I don't care if the man was used as a historical consultant on "Evan Almighty" because he and Noah were grammar school pals, he is simply the right choice for the Blazers to make. Franchise centers don't come around very often, and the last one that did just won his fourth NBA championship. As Socrates once said, "Don't fuck wit da Big Fundamental."


Plus, Greg Oden is perfectly suited for Portland. We like our people down-to-earth and unflashy. In fact, he's a lot like our own Joe Reefer, if Joe was black and had any knowledge of sports whatsoever. Oden's personality fits the Pacific Northwest: laid-back yet still giving a crap.



Plus, I'm not sold on this whole Kevin Durant deal. Granted I saw him play one game, but damn, he sucked against my boys from LSU. Glen Davis totally had his way, and the kid couldn't shoot. Even though I've learned in Stats classes that one game is not a large enough sample size, fuck it, I'm running with it.

Durant won't be better than Lebron, and he couldn't beat Duncan by himself. You go big, dammit.

Oden. I'm sure he throws lightning bolts. Or something.

I Did Not Know That

Did you know that you can't bring Ninja Throwing Stars on a plane? Unfortunately, I did not.


Damn, I'll have to look for a better opportunity to showcase my awesome ninja skills. But what could've been better than a captive airplane audience?

What's The Deal With Long Pants?

That's right. I know what you're thinking, and I agree completely. This is one of the stupidest questions I/you've ever heard. However, the internet, and surprisingly enough the "real" world is swimming with equally or even more shockingly stupid questions.

What made me bring this up? - I can't remember. However, here is a list comprising the "deal" with long pants. This way you don't feel you have entirely wasted your time if you indeed did see the title of this post and thought to yourself "Hey, what is the deal with long pants?"


THE DEAL WITH LONG PANTS

1. You are an idiot.

2. Long pants keep your entire region from hip to ankle warm.

3. Long pants protect your entire region from hip to ankle from objects at a level of sharpness and velocity relative to your region from hip to ankle great enough to cut or scrape your skin, but without sufficient characteristics to cut your pants and render them useless.

4. Long pants protect your entire region from hip to ankle from sunburn.

5. Long pants are of integral importance to a clown's hilarity. Think about it. Have you ever seen a clown wearing short pants? If so, was he hilarious? - I didn't think so.

6. Actually, scratch that last one. Having just googled clowns to make sure I was right about them wearing long pants, I remembered that clowns are really not funny at all, regardless of their pant situation. However, this one is actually pretty damn creepy. I can only assume he is in fact not wearing long pants.


In conclusion, the internet is filled with a lot of garbage. I have said it before, and I will say it again: The internet is my landfill. This remains true. However, it is your duty as the internet's audience to call out the internet's litterbugs on their shenanigans. Let them know you may not know where they live, but you do know how to make fun of them on their own blog, livejournal, myspace, facebook, or any number of other horrendous wastes of time that they may partake in. I certainly hope someone complains about this post, because god damn was it a waste of your time if you bothered reading this far.


Enjoy.

The Manifesto (subject to change)

There is no revolution, so don't worry about it being televised. Everything is falling apart, and we are here to document it, so go on about your lives.

There really is no purpose for this blog. It's just that the authors felt that it was time that their uninformed and frankly stupid opinions should be published and fed to the masses. We do not kowtow to the masses however, and we will actually berate them quite often. Is it Vanity that drives us? Sure, but that's only when Sloth hasn't enraptured us.

Expect anything to appear--news, culture, sports, and the like. Also expect random stories that only probably we enjoy. Mainly, we will decry the general idiocy that we find around us (including ourselves).

Story begins with explosion. Ends with explosion.