Chef Tyler Florence Can Do Some Crazy Shit With Top Ramen!

Much of our work here at WDR revolves around watching television for "research purposes" (this is how we can claim our cable bill as a tax deduction). As a part of our strenuous research, we encounter numerous television commercials, which range from the mildly entertaining to the "oh my god those brain cells are never going to come back variety" (see our newly updated Vendettas section for an example). We suffer through these gladly as a small price to pay for watching such glorious programs as Once Upon A Hamster.

But there is one commercial that has drawn my subtle contempt. It's the new ad campaign for Applebee's, in which they've tied their fortune to the talents of apparent celebrity chef Tyler Florence in an attempt to appeal to more upscale consumers (detailed economic analysis could be inserted here, but won't). I have no clue if he's actually famous or not, since I avoid the Food Network on principle (I simply don't understand the point--why the hell would I want to watch food? You EAT food, dammit, and until we have the technology that allows us to take the prepared food and actually eat it, I ain't messing with the channel). I'll assume he's kind-of-a-big-deal, even if I do not have proof of his ownership of many leather-bound books.



With this partnership dealy, Applebee's asked Chef Tyler Florence to come up with some snazzy dishes that they can unload upon us, and the new ad campaign spotlights these. So what is the dish that required the genius of Chef Tyler Florence?

*A New York Strip steak (a good cut, but nothing out of the ordinary)
*"Steakhouse" Onion Rings (read: onion rings)
*"Hearts of Romaine" appetizer salad (read: lettuce + tomato)

And that's it. Read that description once again. No, you did not overlook anything. The man created a goddamn steak and onion rings with side vegetables dish. In other words, nothing special. AT ALL. But dammit, it's a Chef Tyler Florence creation! The one that's the focus of a multi-million dollar ad campaign! And it's not as if there's anything special elsewhere--the "Aloha Burger" is the same burger as the one that Joe Reefer consumes on a fortnightly basis, the Banzai Burger, for example.



Thinking about this caused me to wonder what else Chef Tyler Florence should "put a spin" on. Here's what I came up with:

- Elbow Macaroni With Melted Cheddar Cheese (read: Mac & Cheese)
- Cola-based non-gelatinous beverage with a clear Puerto Rican liquor (read: Rum & Coke)
- The Non-Horsed Cart (read: Horseless Carriage or a Ford Gremlin)

I should have mentioned that I decided to floss instead of actually thinking about a funny list. A warning would've been good like that. Hopefully the other dudes hanging around here at WDR come up with something better.

The point is...it is wrong to take advantage of cattle. Good night.

The Summer of Corruption

This is another name for the short story "Apt. Pupil" by Stephen King. It is in a compilation of shorts called "Different Seasons." (This also includes "The Body" which became the film "Stand By Me" and "Rita Hayworth and the Shawshank Redemption.")

Some may question why I've brought this up on the report, and honestly I'm not sure why either. It isn't a book that I've read recently (that would be "The Rum Diary" by Hunter S. Thompson (Kudos to anyone who knows what the "S" stands for)) nor is it my favorite story/collection of stories. For whatever reason it came into my head as I was looking over the report and I suggest it for summer reading.

As for music, I think it would be wise of reader (who haven't already done so) to throw some Spoon on the turntable and give it a spin. Also, check out Peaches. I haven't heard much of her stuff, but I must say that what I have heard is some good shit. And of course Nine Inch Nails and Pearl Jam are always good choices too.

For people looking for a slightly different musical experience, check out the Cajun band Beausoleil (you should know it isn't pronounced the way it looks, of course). It's fun and French goes well with steamed crawfish. Enjoy.

Moving slowly toward making a blog about The Simpsons

As is usually the case on the weekend, I was wandering about in the desert with a head full of peyote and having a conversation with Jim Morrison about which fruit is the best (strawberries), when I realized that I was supposed to write a blog about the new The Simpsons Movie.

When I awoke from my hallucinogenic stupor, I found myself lying on a beach completely naked. It is easy to say that I was in no condition to write anything, nor could I get online without a computer. But now, after a long walk in the woods, I am back at the office, ready for work.

The Simpsons Movie is something that I know I have been looking forward to for a very long time. In fact, I've heard rumors of a movie being made since I was a little kid, and only today have such rumors become a reality.

But with a hype as big as that of The Simpsons Movie, the question remains: "Will it be awesome, or will it suck balls?" This is a very important question, and I hope the answer is the former. But it's hard to know sometimes how things will turn out.

As for the show, so many references have been made already by my colleagues, and I feel that I need to add some of my favorites as well:

* "How did you take off your underwear without taking off your pants?" - Bart, to Grandpa

* "Who are you?"- Mr. Burns
"Mr. Burns!" - Homer
"No, I'm Mr. Burns. Who are YOU?" - MB
"I don't know..." - H

* "What's going on back there, Unitarians?" - Homer

* "Dad, Mom won't let me read Hagar the Horrible." - Bart
"But it isn't funny!" - Marge, background.

* "Oh, here's your problem - this doll's set on EVIL." - Maintenance man, Tree House of Horror

* "If your dad goes ga-ga, you just use that shinin' of yours to call me and I'll come a' running. But DON'T be reading my mind between four and five. That's Willy's time!" - Groundskeeper Willy



I could go on, but I won't because if you're reading this you (A) already know all of these quotes and/or (B) don't really give a shit. Either way, this post is over. I need to get some non drug induced sleep.

*Ed. Note: Damn tubes cleaned up early! Those who did too good of a job have also been sacked.

Blame the Tubes!

As alluded to earlier, our initial plans to celebrate the release of The Simpsons Movie kind of went awry. Much was promised, and let's not play the blame game, because it's boring (let's play Hungry Hungry Hippos instead!). But yeah, Joe and Zhuang kind of dropped the ball there. At least I thought that was the case until I had our staff of zoo animals look into the matter (they're even cheaper than illegal immigrants!).


Our crack investigative team found out that our other two authors indeed made contributions. The problem instead lay in the structure of the internet itself. As many of our more well-educated readers realize (and our more well-attractived readers as well...ladies...and dudes), the internet is a series of tubes* (though they are NOT made of cardboard). Unfortunately, some of the tubes being used for our Simpsons Extravaganza were routed through the great state of Wisconsin, where they are apparently very proud of the map of of their state, as the initial results of a Google Image Search indicates. In the process of being routed through Wisconsin, the tubes being used to deliver our quality posts to you, the intelligent and DAMN good-looking reader, were clogged with Wisconsin's greatest natural resource, healthy artery-clogging cheese. As a result, we were unable to fulfill our previous promises.


However, we have dispatched a "friend" of WDR, the Sea Cow to clean up the mess (we assume this will involve eating the delicious cheese, as it is a well-established fact that manatees fucking love nacho cheese). As for those responsible for routing our posts through Wisconsin, they have been sacked. And for those that discovered the problem, they have been sacked as well, because they didn't inform of the problem sooner and also because they were really just covering their own asses. And those that were witnesses to the previous sackings were themselves sacked.



If you understand the connection between that last strained joke and this upcoming news item are entitled to a selection of assorted shrubberies. Sadly, today was a day in which we bid farewell to many people, including Ingmar Bergman. The Seventh Seal was one of the greatest films I have ever seen, and Wild Strawberries ranks right up there as well. And Persona holds a distinct place as being one of the three most insane movies I've ever seen. While Tom Snyder (who I only saw once, and wondered why the hell does this not-funny guy have what seems to be a comedy late-night show) and Bill Walsh (the noted football genius) each deserve their share of remembrances, Bergman will be the one I remember, and not only because I desperately try to claim the image of a moody intellectual.

I just hope Ingy gets to do that crazy dance with Death over those rolling hills. And remember, tubes are your friend.



*In the process of writing this entry, the FBI raided Ted Stevens's home. Freaky!

Tampax Has Discovered Cardboard Technology! (And Other Marevels of the Modern World...)

I'm sure many of you WDR fans are still reeling from our non-stop break-neck postarama this last weekend. I know, there have been a lot of posts lately, and you're probably trying desperately to catch up so as not to be left behind on the current news and trends. For instance, I am currently not wearing pants. Indeed, the Simpsons marathon effort this weekend was a rousing success that WDR has not seen since my infamous smattering of the front page in honor of our One Month Anniversary.

I know many of you are tired of hearing about this, and have just sifted through days of insightful Simpsons commentary, discussion, and memorabilia from Mr. Zhuang and I. I'm afraid Nic Ouzo failed to meet his quota and has been disciplined with a temporary ban effective through Sunday, July 30. There is just one last musing I have to make on The Simpsons Movie, and I will make it brief so I may get to the more pressing matters, as well as those topically linked with the title of this post that probably enticed you to read this.

So, for The Simpsons. I cannot really say my piece much more eloquently than Mr. Ouzo did on Friday. Mr. Zhuang and I's posts were simply carrying on the same theme, naturally with some different favorite quotes. For instance, I happen to be a Sea Captain enthusiast, so as you no doubt noticed my posts were punctuated incessantly with "Yars." I also enjoy thrusting in the direction of a quality poke at our education system and health standards... so I'm sure I included "Grade F: Mostly Circus Animal, Some Filler" ... Mr. Zhuang of course has no sense of humor... but as the token person of ethnic-looking persuasion in our group, he has been known to defend his beliefs with a stern "Please do not offer my god a peanut."

Anywho, I still haven't seen the movie yet. I'm not listening to or reading anything about it, because I want it to be a surprise. The pig advertisements have been a little worrisome, but I know that if anyone can pull off a movie somehow centering around a person becoming enamored with a pig, it's The Simpsons. However, my naive hope is that they have retained their episode pseudo-formula where the intro has little or nothing to do with the rest of the episode, and the pig business resides there.

Enough of The Simpsons... On with the show!


I know that our female counterparts out there in the world are always complaining about being held back by a male dominated society. Honestly, I always thought they were just whining, or maybe it was just "that time of the month" ... if you know what I mean... (I mean their vaginas bleed. Seriously, I'm not making this up.) ... However a recent ad I caught sparked a sudden realization about how repressed our women really are. I am sad to report that the more boob-ed of our species are severely behind the times due to our chauvinistic stranglehold on the workplace:


That's right, women have just discovered Cardboard technology! This may come as a shock to many of our male readers, most of whom have been aware of the wonders of cardboard for quite some time. After all, cardboard is one of the staples of modern male existence. Cardboard is the transporter of Hot Pockets, the.... oh hell, let's just admit it... Cardboard tubes were the original method of male enhancement.
I can hardly imagine a world without cardboard. Multiple layers of paper would be necessary to contain a product; or plastic, or wood, or cloth, or metal. It would be madness.

Women, on behalf of men everywhere, I would like to apologize for keeping the magic that is cardboard secret for all this time. If I had known that thick, sometimes-corrugated, paper technology was of such great importance to you, I would have made it my personal mission to divulge the secrets of cardboard myself.

On behalf of all men, please accept my apologies, and I beg of you... if there is anything... anything else that has been kept from you women, please let me know. I am always up for giving women something new and exciting to put put in their vaginas.

P.S. I swear I know the guy in this picture, and he is an enormous jackass... In case I'm wrong, I'd like to say the following to the actual guy pictured:

I'm sorry for mistaking you for someone I knew; also, you look like an enormous jackass.




In other news, I have been enjoying the new stream of ads from the amorphous "Oil and Natural Gas Industry" ... It's kinda like those pro-milk or pro-cheese ads; sure, there are tons of brands all competing with each other for their market, but why not pool countless dollars into advertising for a product 99% of the world is going to buy either way? ... Sure, some of these ads have a more viable point, like demonizing legislation intended to prevent future price-gouging and fake shortage scares, but at this point who's even keeping track?

I would just like to say one thing about these ads: It's about time. That's right. I'm glad they've finally made a point of emphasizing the people of America's Oil and Natural Gas Industry. Frankly, I think they should have done it years ago. It was a huge mistake to let the Hideous Blood-Thirsty Spacemonster of America's Oil and Natural Gas Industry hog their advertising spotlight for so many years. So I say to you, low-sulfur truck driver man, kudos to you. Your fuel that is indeed ever-so-slightly less polluting when combusted in your engine never ceases to brighten my day, and we'll all just sweep that whole "takes nearly twice the energy to refine" business under the rug. At least I don't have to see that two-faced, seven-assed, monstrosity with its bloodshot eyes and seemingly endless supply of blood, oil, semen, and holy water flowing from every orifice advertising my friends from the Oil and Natural Gas Industry any longer. I mean honestly, how can you put such an evil face on these companies? They only let those Californian folk suffer for the good of our national economy, and it would've worked too if it weren't for those meddling... oh wait, they just fucked up and got caught because they became so outrageously greedy.



Oil is indeed thicker than blood. The US seems to be hemorrhaging both. Maybe we should invest in some cardboard technology of our own to plug up those leaks.

Up and At Them!

It's probably best we start off with the Boring and Redundant in our celebration (it only makes sense, plus I have a 3-hour head start on the rest of the WDR crew). What makes this post especially Boring and Redundant? Well, the fact that I'm going to take the funniest thing ever created in the last 20 years and attempt to reflect on its impact--something that is being done simultaneously by millions of other would-be writers (and other no-talent asshats in general). Killing two birds with one stone, folks.

I'll start with a personal story. For years I was not allowed to watch any TV at all during the week. Of course I compensated for this by generally spending 98% of my waking hours between Friday afternoon and Monday morning enraptured by the wondrous glow of the television, but the fact still remains that I went sans TV for a good part of my childhood. Not that I complain--it probably made me ten times the student that I would have been otherwise. It wasn't until years later that I was conceded one hour of TV watching per night.



Of course there was no question as to how I would spend that precious hour--I would use it up completely watching the daily reruns of The Simpsons. What's even more amazing was that I had banned from watching that program for years due to its "inappropriate content". It was only because my mom one day caught a glimpse of the brilliant satire--the line went something like "America has the best health care in the world!...behind Canada, France, England, Costa Rica, Russia, Guatemala..."

The Simpsons then would become an integral part of my persona. Yes, that looks awfully pathetic now that I see it writing, but its the truth. Its style of humor shaped my own sense of humor, as it did for countless others of our generation. We appreciated its irony, its absurdity, and its candor. It was the complete package. It would provide the perfect answer to anything that happened in your life. Raining outside? "Lousy Smarch weather". Something is disappointing you? "Worst. Episode. Ever." Make a grammatical error? "Me fail English? That's unpossible." Confronted with a ridiculous proposition? "Marge, I agree with you--in theory. In theory, Communism works. In theory." You've just triumphed over a space coyote? "In your face, Space Coyote!"



The Simpsons touch on everything from government ("I'll say it once, and I'll say it again--democracy simply doesn't work!") to religion ("I'm not normally a religious man, but if you're up there, save me Superman!") to our education system ("That’s why I love elementary school, Edna. The children believe anything you tell them"). They've covered everything so thoroughly, that South Park made an entire episode about it--The Simpsons Did It! (a completely unoriginal point, but still true). When people look back to and study our culture hundreds of years from now, they could save themselves a lot of time and watch a good portion of the Simpsons's run. Plus anyone who's read this post has to love it when Homer taunts a group of Turks with "Come back here, you Cyprus-splitting jerks!"

So this is why we're giddy with anticipation over this movie. Sure, they've insulted my alma mater on multiple occasions ("Trick Pouring, which can be taken for credit at Dartmouth College!" and "I'll be drinking like a Dartmouth Boy"--not too bad at all, considering the digs they get in at Brown and Princeton (Otto nearly got tenure there and being a "clown college", respectively)). Sure, they've passed their creative peak, but we're still guaranteed a good laugh. Sometimes pointless nostalgia can have a point.



Now that I've said my piece, I'm going to go watch the hour of Simpsons reruns on TV now and drink. Because alcohol is the cause of--and solution--to many of life's problems!

Today Is the Greatest Day of My Life (Besides Whacking Day)

Like many red-blooded Americans, we here at WDR are Simpsons geeks, dorks, nerds, degenerates, etc. Our speech is often filled with random Simpsons quotes which we use as half-assed attempts at insight and humor, in order to mask many of our numerous inadequacies (and believe us, there are many inadequacies). We owe them a great debt which is physically and legally impossible to repay.

So today we celebrate the release of The Simpsons Movie with open arms. Though we have come to an agreement not to actually see the film until I triumphantly return once again to the West Coast, we celebrate today regardless (plus, Mr. Zhuang is unlikely to uphold the agreement, so it doesn't really matter anyway). Today This weekend we will each put up posts that exalt the greatness of the finest program to ever grace our moving-pictures box that will probably range from the incredibly boring and redundant (my post) to the insightful (Zhuang's) to the deliciously zany (Reefer's).

To get you into the spirit, perhaps one should peruse the list of "The 20 Most Cromulent Simpsons Episodes" created at DeadOn..., where I am a lapsed contributor, or prepare yourself with a list of helpful Simpsons quotes courtesy of The A.V. Club.



Gentlemen, Start your whacking!

What're You Cacklin' At, Fatty? Too Much Pie, That's Your Problem

This is an urgent health update from WDR.

For all WDR's loyal followers, we have all noticed a terrifying trend. Yes, you know what I'm talking about, and as WDR's thinnest member, I felt it would be unfair to our readership to not divulge our full knowledge of the facts.

The rumors are true. There is no denying it. The secrecy must end. Reading WDR does in fact make you fat. It's proven. I'm sorry. For those of you already experiencing symptoms, I'm afraid it is too late. As detailed in a brilliant new, totally non-ridiculous, scientific study published in the New England Journal of Medicine, Obesity is indeed contagious. The study confirms that distance also plays no part in the stranglehold of this generation's fiercest opponent since Al Qaeda, or Commie: the Super Condom.

Every minute you spend reading this publication, you are in proven scientific fact becoming fatter and fatter. The unfortunate irresistibility of our hard-hitting to-the-point overly-informative dash-laden informa-commentary leaves no escape from our readers - if you read us, we will become a significant influence and role model; you could call us a friend. This would normally be fine, except that as the study shows, this wonderful fulfilling friendship will surely doom you to a life of obesity, and as high school surely taught you: Nobody likes the fat kid. Except of course for my modest colleague Mr. Ouzo, and WDR's fattest contributer: Mr. Zhuang. These two seemed to do just fine. In fact, come to think of it, I'm the thin one and I had no friends whatsoever. What's up with that? I think someone's fudging some numbers here, and I'm going to get to the bottom of it!


That investigation was both delicious and informative. You see, it turns out that the obesity scare in our country boils down to just a few silly little things:

1. STOP EATING SO GOD DAMNED MUCH

2. HEY, WHY DON'T YOU TRY MOVING AROUND A LITTLE?

3. TYPICALLY, IF SOMEONE HAS TO POUR MORE MONEY INTO CONVINCING YOU TO EAT THEIR PRODUCT THAN THEY SPEND MAKING IT, YOU SHOULDN'T EAT IT

4. TOO MANY INDUSTRIES THRIVE ON NATIONAL OBESITY BECAUSE CAPITALISM DOES A SHIT JOB DEALING WITH HEALTH.

Let me break down that last one for you there... Pharmaceuticals love obesity. There's a limitless potential for weight-loss drugs that they can sell to you, and since eating habits are such a fundamental element of human life it is really hard to effectively mandate preventative measures against obesity. Let's face it, the food that's the worst for you tastes the best - so when fast food and soda companies buy out your school system and require only their products be allowed to be sold on the premise... yeah, the kids are going to buy it. Let's not forget that if you can slip a couple addictive substances in there too, like say... caffeine... you'll easily keep a steady stream of profit coming your way. Oddly enough, the only industry that doesn't seem to like fat people is the insurance industry. If they have their way, pretty soon you won't even get covered anymore if you're overweight... oh! but wait! There's an easy solution for that too... That's right, they figured out they could charge you more if you're overweight! The problem inherent in all of this discussion is of course that in our wonderful capitalist country, there is no economic incentive to promote healthy eating habits, and so the feeble attempts at social outreach are drowned out by 24/7 McDonald's ads and an education institution owned by Pepsi.

So for those of you keeping score... just by reading this article you have submitted to a life of obesity, higher insurance premiums, caffeine addictions, weight-loss drugs, and regardless of what combination of the above cause it... congestive heart failure. I don't know about you, but I'm hoping those scientists discover a new pill for folks like you! If I were you, I'd start digging in my back yard right about now. I'm pretty sure that's where they found Alli, and let me tell you, that stuff is worth a few public defecations.

Hump Day Helper

Because it's Wednesday, and we all need a pick-me-up to make it through the rest of the week in our respective hells, WDR is providing some fun.

This week it is courtesy of most-righteous Port Land Punks, The Thermals, with their fantastic video "A Pillar of Salt". Enjoy the lure of the Chicken Dance!

I can't lift weights to Sixpence None the Richer (or any of this other shit)

So I took my daily trip to the gym today, and as is usually the case, the music they were playing was pretty bad. When it wasn't horrible, it was at the very least nothing to lift weights to. Today it was the soft-rock bullshit station on XM (I'm pretty sure that's the real name) which was a slight departure from yesterdays "Rap with the same beat pattern or loop from 'Sweet Dreams.'"

Today was certainly different, and up until bicep curls, everything was just mediocre. Then, the gym was confronted with the Trio of Terror: Three extremely irritating songs that forced me out of the gym prematurely.

Song 1: "Hey There Delilah" - The Plain White T's

Feel extremely lucky if you haven't heard this song. It basically encompasses everything about "emo," which is to say that it encompasses everything that sucks. It's one of those acoustic guitar strumming whinefests about some emo bitch named Delilah. Delilah? I doubt that's her real name. It's probably something like Katie or Kristen or something else with a K. I didn't know any Delilahs in school, did you? Of course you didn't, because there weren't any.

But whether or not this girl is actually named Delilah or not isn't really at issue. What is at issue is the fact that this guy goes on and on about this girl for what seems like an eternity with lyrics that, for a lack of better words, suck balls. Like this:

A thousand miles seems pretty far
But they've got planes and trains and cars
I'd walk to you if I had no other way
Our friends would all make fun of us
and we'll just laugh along because we know
That none of them have felt this way
Delilah I can promise you
That by the time we get through
The world will never ever be the same
And you're to blame

What a load of horse shit. I love that this guy knows exactly what all of his friends have every felt and knows that they've never been in "love." Give me a fucking break. Here's some more:
You be good and don't you miss me Two more years and you'll be done with school And I'll be making history like I do You'll know it's all because of you

I hope that she's getting done with college and not high school, fucko. Making history? Maybe as a lame emo pederast. I just found a picture of these guys.



What a bunch of wankers. Although I have to give the black dude some credit for actually looking genuinely disgusted at being in this picture

I've had enough of this shit. Next song.

Song 2: "Have a Nice Day" - Bon Jovi

Now, I've never liked Bon Jovi, so it's not saying much to say that I didn't like this song. What is saying something is that this is quite possibly the stupidest Bon Jovi song I've ever heard.

Now, you can tell by the guitar intro and Jon Bon Jovi screaming that this is supposed to be some hard shit. But then it seems to be held back and just ends up sounding bad. This is before the lyrics even come into it, which are awful. Bon Jovi need to realize that they're about as hardcore as kittens with pink bows. And guitars, I guess.

Edit [Nic Ouzo]: Now is a perfect time to show this video of Triumph with Bon Jovi. Props to Dr. Kwabert for re-alerting me of its presence

Song 3: "Some Shitty Nickelback Song" - Nickelback

This is the straw that broke the camel's back. Pretty much anything from Nickelback would work here because they suck so very much (as anyone with any sense would know). I'm not going to go on too much about this one because the absolute shitfest that is Nickelback's recordings is pretty well established. It doesn't really matter what song it was, but I'll find it just so you can feel the pain. Actually, fuck that. I'll just say that it's one where the guys talks about being in high school and being a fucking idiot. No thanks for sharing dude, but maybe you can go meet up with that fucko from Plain White T's. He's got some high school girl to sing to you about.

Your Hard-Hitting Local News! (Jesus Christ, This is Retarded)

The Local News has always been a target of mine. Embarrassingly innocuous at best, downright incompetent at worst, the Local News fills a void that none of us really have, unless your name is Mabel and you're tired of talking to your seven cats. At least the Local News gives you a brief respite from the terror that is conversation with Mr. Johnathan Mittens the Tabby at 6 and 11 every night. And for this, Mabel is satisfied.

I ultimately realized the general idiocy of local news one day when I saw a preview for an upcoming feature that night: we were about to be treated to an EXCLUSIVE! LOOK! at the life of a DOG CATCHER! My greatest questions have been answered, finally, by WBRZ of Baton Rouge! Praise Be! I have no problem with dog catchers--they perform a necessary service. But no, I was not dying to find out what went on in their normal routine. Call me crazy, but I imagine it involved driving around in a van, picking up the occasional stray, and not doing anything. It was a story that at least did not require advance notice.

I thought perhaps I had escaped the general idiocy of local news when I moved to the Pacific Northwest. Actually, beyond the first week where we were stuck with only broadcast channels and we watched the local news out of sheer boredom, I avoided the news. CNN and the newspaper were good enough resources. But only a few months after the move I was once again confronted with unimaginable ridiculousness:



TONIGHT AT 11!

A DAY

IN THE LIFE

OF A DOG CATCHER!!!



Dear God. It's inescapable!

I would have thought that local news' saving grace would be perhaps the big city. I've been spending my summer in DC, and one would imagine that local news would not be nearly as bad. I mean, it's our nation's capital! Government is here! Shit goes DOWN! No Dog Catcher Biographies for us!

Once again, I totally overestimated everything (or underestimating? I am not sure as to what I was estimating exactly, I'm kind of vague here. Suggestions are appreciated). Once again without cable, my nights are spent watching the broadcast channels. While this has had terrible consequences itself (I actually watched multiple episodes of CSI:Boise and Law & Order:Meter Maid Patrol (whoo! cheap stupid jokes!)), I was once again exposed to local news. While news of what's going on over on the Hill certainly was reviewed, we also were able to cover such important news as that THERE WAS A GODDAMN THUNDERSTORM. WITH LIGHTNING. AND PEOPLE SAW THE LIGHTNING. They were even interviewing people about the lightning. I shit you not, this was an actual caption of an on-air interview:

John Standen
SAW LIGHTNING

I don't know if this is worse than the hard-hitting exposés that have been featured on back-to-back weeks on the local FOX affiliate. They've uncovered the secret behind the "5-Second Rule" last week, and today be prepared to be astounded as to whether "Double Dipping" goes beyond mere social faux pas!


Why did I ever go to J-School?

Spoon Talks (to someone else)

If you're bored this weekend (or still hungover from the Anniversary party from Friday night (frankly, we're not sure if Mr. Zhuang is still alive at this point, but Joe and I are too lazy to check)), check out this interview with Britt Daniel from Spoon. We always give love to our Portland rockstars, and we accept transplants just as much as our homegrown talent. Here's an example why you should read it:

AVC: For the longest time, the press has referred to you as "underrated" and "criminally overlooked." Do you still feel that way?

BD: No. The press has been pretty good to us ever since Girls Can Tell. I think we're one of the best bands making records today, and do I think we should be selling more records than Maroon 5? Yeah, because I think we're better. That's if it were a just world. It's not a just world. Actually, why don't we put The Bravery in there instead? No, let's not use The Bravery. Who's a good band to use?

AVC: Linkin Park?

BD: Yeah! You can't get any worse than Linkin Park. Let's use that.

See? You got to love a musician who goes right out and proclaims the crapulence of Linkin Park. In other news, Linkin Park inexplicably continues to have the number 1 song on Alternative Radio. Yaaaaaargh, to all you idiot MDs.

Oh, and Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga is worth listening, if you're into the whole "music" thing.

Harry Potter and the Mandatory Spoiler Joke

WDR's One Month Anniversary of course shares its esteemed date with another joyous event... No, I'm not talking about the Turkish Invasion of Cyprus; I am of course talking about THE NEW HARRY POTTER OMGsus!!!

For those of you unaware of what I am talking about, The new novel in the Harry Potter series, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, goes on sale tonight. Of course, we at WDR received an advance copy weeks ago, courtesy of JK Rowling. As the resident literate here at WDR, it has of course been my job to dive into this tomb and divulge its juicy molten core. I must say, like a mother railing against a wildly ignorant spouse who mistakenly touched the refrigerator, THERE ARE SPOILERS BELOW - - HOWEVER, for you loyal readers torn between your allegiance to WDR and HP (which for some reason just reminds me of a venereal disease now that I think about it,) I will provide a service for you. I will separate out the spoilers between paragraphs so you pure-bred readers won't get spoiled... As many of you know, this Harry Potter reached a historical record for most actual working titles, so I will also preface a spoiler with one of the many working titles for the novel. When you see one of these working titles, simply skip the next sentence or paragraph and you'll be safe! ONWARD!

Working Title #1: Harry Potter and the Deafly Hollows
Spoiler: Coming as a complete shock to most readers, Harry Potter discovers that the villain he has been battling throughout almost every novel probably has come back or something.

JK Rowling has presented us with yet another masterpiece of English Literature. She will truly go down as one of the greats: Shakespeare... uh... JK Rowling... ... Jane Austen? - Fuck, what am I saying, I should wash my mouth out with soap just for thinking that name. Either way, this woman has inspired a whole generation to read; not something to sneeze at given the times. However, with every positive aspect in media there is of course an enormous writhing drawback. I am of course speaking of the hordes of rabid fans that swarm every forthcoming Potter release like so many ants upon discovery of a sugary drop that has escaped from a now-crying child's ice cream cone. The difference of course, is that rather than being able to lift 10-times their own weight, these folks instead possess the ability to read at -10 years their age. Fan issues aside, I praise JK Rowling for giving the kids something to do with their time that will prepare them for the rest of their lives... mechanically moving their eyes left-to-right and of course up-and-down, Reaching for their wallet in a near-Pavlovian response to a new marketing campaign, and of course assuming they will be able to walk through that pillar at the bus stop... even if they really know they can't, it will be a nice escape from their jobs bagging groceries or operating a pet-washing machine.

Working Title #2: Harry Potter and the Dependable Childhood Audience
Spoiler: That girl character you hear people talking about? you know, the one that's not the one you see in the previews... the other one? Yeah. Turns out you were right, they are the same person.

This new chapter in our favorite series finds our characters furthering their long-established predicament. Harry Potter, an unimaginatively named Ceramicist, struggles with an inability to grow a beard due to his raging Alopecia Areata... a lesser-known side effect of prolonged exposure to moist clay. Trust me, that chick from Ghost suffered from it; that's why you never heard from her after that movie. Ghost was actually a surprisingly violent movie. I mean, there's that scene at the end where the bad guy gets stabbed through the torso with a broken window pane. Who expects that when they're watching it the first time? It comes out of nowhere.

Working Title #3: Harry Potter and the I'm Still Writing These?
Spoiler: You outgrew this series 10 years ago, and will die alone.

Of course, what Mr. Potter doesn't know is that a rare side-effect of Alopecia Areata is vivid hallucinations, and as such he continues his journey as a wizard juggling the mundane with amazing confrontations with the most evil nemesis of the imaginary magic world his feverish brain dreams up. His empowered female cohort, Hermione... another unimaginative phonetically-named character stemming from Rowling's rampant lesbian tendencies while under the influence of Ecstasy... is apparently not his girlfriend. I just learned that the other day... Did you know there are characters in these books that you haven't seen in the previews for the movies? - I didn't.

Working Title #4: Harry Potter and the Unspeakable Shame
Spoiler: I'm getting tired of this review.

Blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah. Blah blah-blah blah blah blah? - Blah. Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah. BLAH blah blah, blah blah blah... blah blah blah blah... Blah blah blah blah blah-blah blah blah.

Working Title #5: Harry Potter and the Reason Your Girlfriend Isn't Doing Something With You On A Friday Night
Spoiler: Ah fuck it... Let's do this thing, shall we? I've been waiting too many years...

Harry Potter and the Childhood Delusions of Grandeur
Harry Potter and the Pirates of the Ring
Harry Potter and the Lucrative Franchise
Harry Potter and the Joke Title I Stole From My Friend
Harry Potter and the Thriving Child Pornography Industry
Harry Potter and the Repeated Joke Title
Harry Potter and the Latest in a Long Line of Excuses Your Girlfriend Uses Not to Sleep with You
Harry Potter and the Actually, Now That I Think About it... She Does Spend A Lot of Time Reading
Harry Potter and the Those Books and Watching Those Movies... It Had Better Not All Be an Excuse
Harry Potter and the To Wait for Me to Go to Sleep So She Doesn't Have To Put Out...
Harry Potter and the That Bitch!
Harry Potter and the Schizophrenic Fantasy That Gets You Through Middle School
Harry Potter and the Hole You Threw Your Money Into
Harry Potter and the Why Does Dad Touch Me At Night?
Harry Potter and the Something Something
Harry Potter and the Capitalist's Wet Dream
Harry Potter and the Way You Forgot Mixed Fractions
Harry Potter and the Future Source of All Celebrity Drug Abuse
Harry Potter and the Name Of This Book
Harry Potter and the Gimmick That Wouldn't Die
Harry Potter and the Cruisin' For A Bruisin'
Harry Potter and the Hey, Brian's IMing me!
Harry Potter and the Thing To Distract Girls With So They Don't Learn Math
Harry Potter and the I Could Go On
Harry Potter and the But I Think This is the
Harry Potter and the End of This Post

WDR is one month old!

Frightening...
It seems like it was just a few weeks ago when we started the Wayne Diego Report, but in fact it has been several weeks. I remember the days when Joe couldn't operate a keyboard correctly, or when Nic couldn't get over his "first post anxiety." Even I found myself trying so hard to get things right and inevitably failing. But I think that we've really grown up a lot in the last month.

Happy One Month, WDR. You've treated us well.

Ho ho ho and a bottle of rum!

There's nothing like waking up at the crack'a noon after a night of heavy drinking. You can become a sort of detective on the trail of what the fuck happened the night before. It's a mystery to you, at least, though the people with you will probably remember everything and how you made an ass of yourself. This was the case this morning and, like a hung over Sherlock Holmes, I went out to investigate. Why is this wine bottle empty? When did I finally get to sleep? Did I send fucked up texts to people? Did I talk to such and such last night? Why is my nose broken? Etc.

And oh the surprising answers to these questions (Respectively: I drank that wine when I ran out of Cola, no answer found, yes, yes, my nose isn't broken).

So the point is, drink more or less responsibly. But a wise man once said, “I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day." You know who that man was? Steven Seagal!

(Not actually true. It was Frank Sinatra.)

Enjoy the weekend.

The Sad Anniversary: July 20, 1974

One of two anniversaries we're celebrating today, first we'll discuss the somber. Continuing our theme this week of Turks doing bad things, we're commemorating the 33rd anniversary of the Turkish Invasion of Cyprus. Since then, the island has been divided into two parts, with little hope in the near future of being reunited.

On July 20, 1974 the Turks launched "Operation Attila" in response to a short-lived coup backed by the military junta in Greece. The junta in Greece soon fell, leaving the coup leaders without backing; plus the fact that they had failed to kill the leadership left the outcome very much in doubt. Peace talks were soon held, and the coup-backers were overthrown and democracy and order were soon restored with a couple of weeks of the initial events.

But this was not enough for the Turks, as they demanded way more than what was guaranteed under the agreement that led to the 1960 formation of Cyprus. They insisted on unequal political and territorial rights, and realized that their current position left them with total control of the situation. So on the 14th of August they launched the second offensive of their operation, setting up the division as it is currently stands today.



What were the consequences? 1) Over 5000 Greek Cypriot deaths. 2) Over 160,000 Greek Cypriots displaced from their homes and property in a massive example of ethnic cleansing. 3) Over 1400 Greek Cypriots who still remain missing to this day. Beyond that, there is the continual cultural destruction of the Greek heritage, as churches and their artwork are destroyed (some being turned into stables and such), and towns being renamed with Turkish names, among other things.

Despite universal international condemnation, the situation has not been resolved as Turkey has made no concessions. In fact, in 1983 the northern occupied area declared itself an independent state, recognized by no one except Turkey herself. Cyprus continues to make concessions--allowing Turkish Cypriots to gain EU passports, allowing them to run for political office, de-mining the Green Line, etc. They even have supported Turkish accession efforts into the EU, despite the fact that Turkey refuses to recognize the Republic of Cyprus.



But of course this story gets no recognition in the press. It's too peaceful these days. If you look through the New York Times, the Washington Post, the Washington Times, and the Wall Street Journal, you'll find articles about the upcoming Turkish elections, but not a word on Cyprus. Even the Internet is curiously quiet, with few mentions in either publications or blogs.

But we here will remember this day, and continue to fight against this grave injustice.


This Turkish Cypriot Flag is painted on the mountain facing the Greek Cypriot side, mocking their situation. Extremely Classy.

Dick Gephardt is an Unbelievable Bastard

Be sure to emphasize those "e" sounds when reading that title--he deserves it. That is because Dick is truly a Shining Beacon to Bastardom, an example that will be studied for years to come.


Those who know me might find it odd that as a lifelong Democrat that I would come out against the former House Majority Leader (I guess the time as Majority Leader triumphs over the years as Minority Leader). Yes, I'm talking about THAT Richard Gephardt, the one known for his stands for the working man, etc. I agreed with him on a lot of issues, so why would I be taking this position now?

The reason lies in an article found in the latest edition of The New Republic. It discusses the controversy surrounding the various attempts by Congress to formally recognize the Armenian Genocide, a process that has taken decades. The thrust of this article is to show the impact of lobbyists on this seemingly unimportant issue, at least in terms of the average American's priorities.



The thing that struck me most was the incredible about-face that Gephardt took on the issue. He was a vocal proponent of getting the resolution passed while as a member of Congress, taking the time to co-sign a letter to the Speaker to urge speedy passage of the bill. Less than 10 years later, Gephardt is pushing the exact opposite line, now shilling for the Turks as he distributes pamphlets claiming that we must research the real history.

I believe that this 180 is the absolute most unscrupulous thing I have seen from a Congressman in my lifetime. It's one thing to pull a Billy Tauzin, and go to work for the pharmaceutical industry the second you leave office after heading the Committee that regulates the industry, but it's another thing when we're dealing with Genocide. Of course, to those familiar with the issue, historical research or accuracy never really enters the discussion, as the Turkish claims range from the disingenuous to the shameful to the hysterical (the Armenians were fighting back, they died only in transit that was a normal part of war, Turks were killed as well (though in not nearly as great numbers), bad weather). They talk a big game, but when it comes down to actual exchange of ideas with other historians, the Turks never offer the proof and deny any chance to do otherwise. And it's clear Gephardt's interest isn't in searching for truth--it's in pushing the party line of his new benefactors.



I hope this makes you at least one-tenth as upset as it made me.




On the lighter side of douchiness, here is an article that highlights one of the reason why I am weary of continuing to live in DC. It's amazing when you meet living, breathing stereotypes--and not only that, they revel in that fact. Be sure to check out their defense in the comments.

A Series of Texts

This is what happens when FOX decides that it's better to show one of the worst sequels of all time (the incredibly pointless The Lost World) instead of their Sunday Night lineup. You have me passed out on the couch randomly texting my friends about who-knows-what.

(And yes, I have railed against texting before as utterly pointless, but I have found that sometimes a random declarative statement in the right context is utterly sublime, especially if one cannot take the 5 seconds to make an actual phone call).

Nic Ouzo (to all): The Lost World?! You piss me off, Fox!
Mr. Zhuang: Hehe

Von Bookman: I need to learn swedish
Nic Ouzo: Explain?



Nic Ouzo (to all): Andy rooney is insane. Babbling about watches...
Joe Reefer: You could've just said 'andy rooney is talking'...
Nic Ouzo: I know, but specifics were funny

Von Bookman: I'm sick of being on ella youtube pages and not understanding what is being said.
Nic Ouzo: I did not know of her massive Swedish fanbase. I would have guessed Mongolians.

The "ella" in question is Ella Fitzgerald

Joe Reefer: Racism is uncalled for
Nic Ouzo: So's your face.
Joe Reefer: The arch duke is not at the table for this discussion
Nic Ouzo: Well pass it on, Cottonballs.

Joe Reefer's Face is a separate entity known as the Archduke. It has been assassinated on numerous occasions, most notably in 1914 when it started WWI. Cottonballs is just a funny name I heard on the Demetri Martin album

Von Bookman: She was clearly the david hasselhoff of nordic europe.
Nic Ouzo: Does Norm MacDonald have a theory?



Joe Reefer:...I don't know how to feel just now
Nic Ouzo: Feel like a walrus.
Joe Reefer: If you are indeed comparing me to john lennon, i approve
Nic Ouzo: I am comparing you to a sea monster. Maybe groundhog would have been better.
Joe Reefer: Every dog has its day, and every hog has its way, but every groundhog has Groundhog's Day and i guess that's alright

Nic Ouzo (to Joe and Mr. Zhuang): Chris Martin is one ugly bastard in the Yellow video.

Nic Ouzo (to Joe and Mr. Zhuang): Tesla? Damn you, Tube!

It was that damn hippie song, "Signs"--sign sign, everywhere a sign (crammit, hippie), and it was acoustic. Good God



Nic Ouzo: Alright, I dub thee CRAPWEASEL.
Nic Ouzo: or EMU
Joe Reefer: Damn. I was shooting for Holiday Armadillo
Nic Ouzo: That's Hal.
Joe Reefer: Touche.

Hal IS the Holiday Armadillo. Trust us.

Nic Ouzo: Oh yeah, apparently Sea Cow needs another year at U of O
Joe Reefer: Well, when i talked to him he said he was majoring in math, chemistry, and physics...If that's true then i can't blame him. But in the likely chance tha
Joe Reefer: t he was making things up i must laugh
Nic Ouzo: I saw that, but it's still stupid. Pick a minor. Not gonna contribute anything, anyways
Joe Reefer: Yeah, chemistry is a subset of physics anyway. Between that and math, chemistry should be implied and a degree would be redundant.
Nic Ouzo: My thoughts

I wasn't going to get into a discussion about the merits of chemistry and physics. Fuck that, I wanted a Fudgsicle.



Well that sure was enjoyable. Oh, can you imagine the lunacy of hanging out with these people 24/7? It would be a riot! Ha HA! Take that, Laugh-In!

Boom Goes the Bastille Day!

That's right, today was Bastille Day (not my Mom's birthday, I got that cleared up way ahead of time this year). If you don't know what Bastille Day is all about, it's the day when the French celebrate their independence from the Dutch, I believe, which was around 1952. I seem to recall Toucan Sam playing a significant role in this as well, though I don't think you should quote me on that. And it had something to do with the liberation of the South American corn crop (or as the Indians call it, maize (insert slow-waving hand gesture)) and taxes on Sweet 'n' Low, a beloved part of French cuisine.



How did I celebrate? Well, I know some of the neighbors decided that today was as good a day as any to get rid of some of those leftover Sparklers, but I refrained from that. Sure, I spent my usual Saturday "alone time" and "doing nothing in my room" (that may or may not have involved this lovely Frenchwoman (but definitely did not involve this guy)). No, my celebration consisted of eating some shitty fajitas (truly the fa-JIH-tas version of the dish) with some Coronas, like a true Frenchman. Then I went and saw...



Yippee kay-yeah, motherfucker! Whoo boy, I was ready to feel like a red-blooded fuckin' American today (even with only PG-13 level of violence and language, which just feels unconstitutional goddammit).

Well, that was the plan. I ended up getting lost in Maryland looking for the goddamn movie theater, but I did get to see the Discovery Channel's headquarters (which looked more like Initech than anything). So I headed back into town and decided to catch a taxi to another random movie theater. This one wasn't playing Live Free or Die Hard, so I saw instead the one movie that I'd been dying to see for weeks, Knocked Up. It was, as they say, a good decision. Hilarious as all get out. (Note to the people who complain that abortion was "glossed over": if there was an abortion, there wouldn't have been much of a movie, now wouldn't there have been? It would've been kinda like Alien without the space monster, no?) Anyways, I recommend it, and I'll probably be quoting it in the future.

But we're getting ahead of ourselves. Getting back to the original topic, let us take some time now to remember the ideals of the French Revolution:

La granouille mange la pamplemousse

err...Liberté, Egalité, et Fraternité. See, I learn things sometimes.



It's a celebration. At least for an hour on the West Coast. But if that isn't enough, do stuff tomorrow. It's what the French would've wanted.

Your Esoteric Philosophical References For the Day

Monty Python - Philosophers' World Cup

It's a pretty funny video, though I don't know what's worse: the fact that I don't get all the references, or the fact that I get as many of them as I do. Your call.

Plus, you know I love the eventual outcome of the match.

The blog...from the OTHER room...

Following my peyote induced stint in the forest (I will always be known as a friend of the bears; thank you Katow-Jo), I've moved into a new place. So, I haven't really had that much access to the internet for the last week or so. But now I do have it, but the router isn't set up yet and I'm typing from my roomate Bryan's room. Oh well...

There is important news out there that needs to be addressed. As most alert readers already know, Heath Ledger has been cast as The Joker in the next Batman film (titled, according to IMDb, The Dark Knight). Now, I must admit that the first time I heard about this, I was skeptical. Heath Ledger did not seem like the guy to play the Joker. He didn't seem funny enough or menacing enough (my personal choice was Marilyn Manson, but no one else seems to agree with me on that). I must say, however, that the pictures that have supposedly leaked on the film do look pretty cool. Definitely a continuation of the Frank Miller-esque look of Batman Begins. I am looking forward to how this film will play out, though I'll probably have to wait about a year to see it. But, that's how things work sometimes.