I don't think that word means what you think it means...

Now I haven't used the blog to rant too much about easy political targets like Sarah Palin, leaving that job to HuffPo's rabid denizens and the illiterate commenterati that populate the CNN Political Ticker. God knows she's deserved some comment, but even though she's shown incredibly thin skin (she can call John Kerry a horse-face but how dare you say she looks like a slutty flight attendant) and has displayed an amazing lack of intelligence (see: everything she's ever said in public), but she's too easy a target. In other words, the job is too easy and has already been done for us.


That was before this past Fourth of July weekend, when Sarah Palin decided to, I shit you not, "declare her independence from politics as usual", as per her lawyer. Among other things, she was tired of the jokes about her. Yes, the person that ran last November for the position of backup to the most powerful office in the world (and most likely would eventually be called up to be the starter) decided to quit her job as Governor just 2 and a half years into her term, partially because of jokes. Let's let that sink in for a bit.

But this isn't the reason that I'm finally talking about Palin. No, I'm doing all this because I just want to analyze her most recent comments to the press, explaining her decision.

Palin: 'I am not a quitter; I am a fighter'

No Sarah. No no no no no. You have it exactly fucking backwards. Let me break this down for you, so you comprehend the idiocy that you have unleashed upon us.

YOU QUIT. Ergo, you are a quitter. You quit because you were tired of fighting ethics complaints, a legislature that was pissed off at you, and just in general doing the work of a Governor. Quitting is the exact thing that you just did. In other words, when the chance came for you to fight, you did not fight. WORDS DO NOT MEAN WHATEVER YOU WANT THEM TO MEAN! So the revised statement should be:

I am not a quitter fighter. I am a fighter quitter.

Hopefully this lesson proves useful to you, Sarah, as you fill out the rest of your term going on fishing vacations instead of spending that last month actually governing. I mean, you're gone at the end of the month, but why wouldn't you put off that fishing trip? If not, just be sure to blame the vagaries of the English language on Obama, because it's probably his fault.

Honey Bunches of Oats is the Worst Cereal Ever Made

Yet I eat it just about every day.

You may ask yourself, why would I continue to eat a cereal that I clearly have little regard for? That's simply the wrong question to ask. A better question might be "Do BMX riders realize that you can't be badass when you're riding what amounts to be a bike for a six year-old?", though it would probably not be pertinent to the question at hand. Then again, if being relevant was your only concern, then yes, I guess, your initial question was fine.

The problem isn't with the taste of the cereal itself--no, it's the context beyond the cereal. That's because when you're eating "Honey Bunches of Oats", you're now eating "Old Man Cereal". Remember when you were young, the crazy shit you'd eat in your cereal? Shit, they put in fucking Oreo cookies and jelly beans and probably little chocolate donuts in cereals these days. But the day you stop eating Froot Loops is the day that you're called things like "mature" or people refer to you as "sir", like "Sir, that is not appropriate clothing for the Roadside Steak Shack, we must ask you to leave." I mean, since when did the Steak Shack have standards, any way?

And Honey Bunches of Oats doesn't help itself with their advertising. "With Almonds!" is a terrible selling point. Only old dudes get excited about nuts in their food, further cementing your reputation as an old man cereal. Plus, your cereal gets soggy as shit when I put milk in it, further destroying my mood and turning me into the old man that I apparently am.



However, Honey Bunches of Oats apparently now realizes that the only good thing about their cereal is the bunches. I don't know why it took them so long to realize that the one sweet part of the cereal was way better than soggy fucking cornflakes, but I'm guessing there aren't many geniuses at the Cereal Plant. So they've now decided to release a cereal called "Just Bunches". Color me excited--that's going to get me through the terror of 1L, I'll tell you that much (I'm being totally serious, you guys).

I remember I had a good joke about "Just Bunches", but I forgot it. If Mr. Zhuang or Joe decide to ever find this blog again, maybe they'll chime in with their answer.

The "M" Stands For "Moronic"

You may remember a post from way back when in which we informed you that MTV was trying to figure out what the "M" actually stood for in their name. While we never got word about what actually happened during what was sure to have been A Great Meeting of Minds, I can tell you one thing about MTV's identity crisis--the "M" sure as hell doesn't stand for music any more.

Of course, this isn't exactly new info. MTV's downward spiral has been apparent for years to anyone that cared, long before things like "My Super Sweet 16" and "The Hills" managed to depress any American with a sense of morals. But it is in this author's humble opinion that MTV has just reached a new low.

They're doing Spongebob Squarepants reruns now.



Not content to have at least one channel play reruns all day, Viacom has now decided to bestow upon its MTV channel the privilege of airing this show on a nightly basis. This absolutely bongtarded show, in the truest sense of the word. And MTV is playing up this angle, airing ads for this stating that "This is your brain on Spongebob" in a heavy monotone drug-induced voice that is familiar to any viewer of early '90s anti-drug PSA's.

I remember a time when even though MTV didn't play music videos, they'd at least make creative attempts with things like their own animated shows. "Beavis and Butthead" and "Daria" are classics, and I'm sure other people had their favorites. But now, all we get is goddamn Spongebob. Thanks MTV, we really appreciate the effort.

The People's Republic Of Cambridge Can Be Hilarious

I'll be sure to give you a more thorough glimpse into life on the East Coast. But I just had to post this great picture.



In case you don't notice what's great about this building, let me just say that There Is A Face. And it's ears are steaming. Adding to the hilarity is the fact that it's also the home of the Jewish Club at Harvard. When those lights are on and the ears are steaming, break out the Manischewitz because it's time to party!

Tales of Old Salem Towne: Of Glass Bongs And Lucky Fortunes

Salem: Taking the Fun Out of Psychedelics Since the Mid-19th Century

Nothing may ever top the tale of Methheads On The Loose, but that doesn't mean that the exploits of Salemfolk should be ignored. No, there is simply too much good shit that goes down in Capital City that needs to be remarked upon, and we're here to fulfill that purpose.

Now, I'm not one for studying the local paper--I skim a headline or two, and mainly check the various Op-Eds, because I'm a masochist like that (God forbid it's a Thursday and I have to examine a David Reinhard piece). But for some reason, fate drew me to this story on the bottom-fold of the front page, and I thank fate kindly for that. Simply put, it was a story of two men and their drugs.

Really, the headline "Glass bong becomes weapon amid drug-induced paranoia" says all you really need to know about the story. The story goes 1) Man eats mushrooms; 2) Man goes on bad trip; 3) Man accuses buddy of being a narc; 4) Man then uses closest thing to a weapon (the glass bong of the headline) to knock the shit out of buddy. All of which is proof that there are certain people that should be prepared to take the path of bullshit enlightenment, and others that should just stick with huffing spray-paint in the safety of their attic, or just drinking like the rest of us. Of course, you could also take the lesson to be "Don't leave your glass shit lying everywhere".


On a completely unrelated note, Salem landmark "Lucky Fortune" restaurant & lounge is on the brink of losing their liquor license\, therefore making the entire operation potentially pointless. Mind you, I'm only using the term landmark in the loosest sense--in reality, it's only a landmark to the WDR crew, who have constructed an entire mythology behind what we believe to be the one mob-backed eatery in town (well, yakuza-backed to be specific). Of course, when we heard that the reason for this is the fact that people constantly get shot there, we couldn't say that we were surprised. Not coming from a place that recently scored a 48 on its health inspection test.

We'll be sure to keep you updated, as more trivial retarded shit develops.

God's Limited Sets of Blueprints: Blue Devil Edition

I am a person that is known for a few things. My ability to frighten women with my presence is legendary, as is my talent to consume copious amounts of alcohol to little ill-effect (and for the record, the first has never been a direct result of the second--God forbid we ever see the combination of Me + Alcohol + Women).

I am also known for my ability to find the resemblance between various people. See somebody on TV that seems vaguely familiar, as if you'd seen them before? Talk to me, and I'll tell you that what you just saw was a combination of John Ratzenberger and Harry Dean Stanton. My most famous contribution was identifying the host of a random talk show on Arab TV as the dastardly Saddam Geraldo.

All of this is based on my half-baked theory that God only has a set number of blueprints with people, and so when he's individually making individuals out of Earth Clay®, he has to combine certain sets to create new people. Which of course proves that my final talent is concocting retarded theories.

As proof, I ask, who is who? Dan Abrams, MSNBC host, and the Duke Blue Devil.





For the record, Dan Abrams was a Duke Blue Devil, but it's not intended to be a trick question per se. And for the record, I do realize that this is bongtarded.

ASEVoIS: Race And The Media

Or: Geraldine Ferraro is apparently quite the moron

Continuing our "A Slightly Educated View of Important Stuff" series, Nic Ouzo takes a careful look at one of the big political controversies of the day, Geraldine Ferraro's racist comments and their subsequent coverage


To be honest, I was hoping to hold out on any and all political talk until next week, when I was planning on a blitz of posts that would promote Our Candidate Of Choice. But then this story hit, and I felt I had no choice but to write about it when it was still fresh.

If you are still clueless as to what I'm referring, here's a quick refresher course: former Congresswoman (and VP candidate in the most lop-sided race in Presidential history) Geraldine Ferraro made the following comment about Obama's campaign:

"If Obama was a white man, he would not be in this position. And if he was a woman, he would not be in this position. He happens to be very lucky to be who he is. And the country is caught up in the concept."

Now, if your first reaction was "that's practically the definition of 'bongtarded'", you'd be on the right track (this would actually qualify under the definition of "kongtarded"). You would have deduced that Ferraro believes that the ascendancy of the Obama campaign was due only to his race--clearly another example of the Black Man Getting Ahead, as we have seen so often in our nation's history. I mean, look at all the African-Americans that have reached the Presiden...oh that's right, that's never happened. In fact, Obama is only the THIRD African-American to become a SENATOR, and the only one who is currently serving. But let's break it down some more.


1. Obama is ahead because of his race--I mean, all the black people are voting for him!

Well, let's look at an electoral map of the United States. Cut it right down the middle, horizontally. Notice where Obama has a lot of support. That's right, Obama has almost the entire NORTH covered. Iowa, Maine, Wyoming, Alaska, Idaho...tons of black people over in these states!

I mean, with a country that has a black population of only 13%, is it any wonder that the man can be ahead in the popular vote, in states won, and in total delegates? He's got a built-in advantage! I mean, Hillary being a woman in a country that is mostly women, that's not an advantage at all!

And of course, black people ONLY vote for their own kind. I mean, Hillary wasn't leading the African-American vote 80-20 in South Carolina until a couple of weeks before the primary...oh wait she was. Sorry about that. Did they change their minds because they just found out that he was black, or maybe because they began to hear his message and ideas and believed in those? Nah, impossible.

2. Geraldine Ferraro may not be a racist But what she said was unquestionably racist, in and of itself. The implication is that Obama's campaign has nothing to do with merit, and everything to do with some sort of...I don't know exactly, but apparently massive white guilt amounting to Affirmative Action?

Of course, Ferraro attempts to protect herself by stating that she herself was not qualified to be the VP candidate, which leads to...

3. Geraldine Ferraro's situation was exactly like Obama's Except that it wasn't. You see, Ferraro was appointed to her position. Obama has systematically won more contests, won more votes, won more delegates. Obama has had to prove himself to the ultimate judge: the people (void where prohibited, i.e. Florida 2000). While Obama may not play the "decades of experience card" (certainly overrated, and to be discussed much more in-depth next week), this isn't his first rodeo. I mean, he only has more experience in elected office than his opponent Hillar...oh sorry for that intrusion of fact.

Now let's take a quick look at the coverage of the story. Here is a statement that I actually heard today:



4. We shouldn't care what Ferraro said, because she said it to random local newspaper Because apparently it's okily-diddly-okily to be racist, as long as no one is there to hear it (corollary: How to find out if a person is racist--talk to them in private; man, it's depressing when the truth comes out). At least that is what this argument is DIRECTLY implying. But let's face facts--a lot of people get their daily news from these local sources, and what this argument is stating that we shouldn't care about the quality of news in these sources. The fact that it tends to be the older folk who read these only adds to the issue, considering that these folks are generally pro-Hillary. I mean, what's the point of a fair representation of the facts?


5. This is clearly an example of "Attack The Hildog" strategy that the Media has employed At least according to Ferraro now. You may remember that Hillary was able to brilliantly orchestrate the media coverage in the week leading up to Ohio and Texas. She was able to play both the Bully AND the Victim, in a tightrope walk that would make The Great Blondin proud--claiming that all the media was proverbially licking the Obama's campaign lovepump with their entirely slanted coverage (another topic to be examined in-depth in the future), while at the same time employing her now-famed "Kitchen Sink" strategy, in which in the same week we saw Obama Is A Muslim, Obama Can't Answer a Phone, and Obama Makes A Deal With The Dirty Canucks Over NAFTA, all practically unchallenged by the media. Of course, if you were keeping score at home, the answer to the three-front Clinton campaign war: Bullshit, Bullshit, and Bullshit. And she wants him to be her Veep!

While it's true that there may be some political benefit at some point to pointing out the flaws of the other campaign's supporters (though that may prove to be blunted long-term), one must say turn-about is fair play--after all, Obama supporter Samantha Power immediately resigned for deeming Clinton a "monster" (though it must be pointed out, it should have been off the record (Mr. Zhuang, we're going to have to get a ruling about this in the comments)).


6. Geraldine Ferraro has the right to free speech And she also has the right to be told that her speech was dumb. Nobody is saying that she should not have the right to speak; just that it may not have been the wisest thing to do. Especially considering that she has repeatedly not apologized for it, and in fact continues to compound the problem by claiming to be persecuted because she's white. But we have a responsibility to point out to others when they are in error, and persuade them in correcting their views. Apparently we have failed in that job to some degree, because Ferraro still seems to not get it.

****************

In the end, even though Obama may score some political points right now for pointing out some of the faults of the other side's supporters, this may be a hindrance in the long run. Part of the appeal of the Obama campaign is their effort to rise above the petty mudslinging politics that have turned off half of this country, and to be above the fray. But their reaction to this event may end up being used to prove some sort of hypocrisy on the part of the Obama campaign, and hypocrisy is something that American voters don't tolerate. Obama will have to continually walk the line between this positive strategy and having to deflect the occasional immoral broadside from the opposition, or else his fate may end up mirroring that of Dukakis.



In the end, I hope you realize at least this one point: it's no surprise that Ferraro was able to lose 49 states in 1984, considering evidence like this.

Everything's Coming Up Milhouse!

As we eagerly anticipate Joe Reefer's delicious and scandalous contribution for the month, allow me to indulge in a bit of personal news. You may recall my continual detailing of my attempts to avoid becoming a total loser, which somehow involved the use of Logic Games. My ability to do things such as determining the correct order of scheduling 7 flights while paying attention to arbitrary rules was going to be my ticket out of this dump (for the record, I made the sentence structure of that previous statement as unclear as possible to give one an idea about the type of language they actually use on the test). Ah, yes, the glorious LSAT. Today, I found out if my efforts were in vain.

They were not. To say the least.


I remember being very uncertain about my potential score while I was taking the test, as my mind was continually plagued with self-doubt. "Oh god, no, not another guess! Holy crap, I'm not going to have time to finish this game! What the hell is Germanium?!?" In fact, there were several moments where I was ready to throw in the towel and tell the kindly old folks at the LSAC to please burn my test and salt the earth where they buried it so nothing would ever grow there again. But I didn't. And as the day, went along, I gradually thought better of my efforts, and eventually decided that I should say "what the hell" and hope for the best. What convinced me to adopt this strategy? Well, this was the reason. That's right, college fuckin' football convinced me otherwise. If LSU could pull off such an incredibly lucky run to the championship game, wasn't this a good omen for me?

Apparently it was. Because when I opened the email that would tell me of my fate (i.e., my score), I was absolutely stunned. I nearly had the happiest heart attack on record. Actually, I've had a lot of those near-heart attacks this year...you would think this would bother me. Anyways, I was convinced that I had been a victim of a cruel joke, but hey, the story checked out. I did actually make that score. Redemption, thy name is Nic Ouzo!

All in all, it made my top 3 moments of the year. What were the other two? Well, they're too retarded to mention here in this space. And yes, I say this with the full realization that we have multiple posts that utilize the "bongtarded" tag. Your arguments do not persuade me! Why do you continue looking at me? I don't have to answer to you!



Now it's time go out and celebrate, WDR-style. It's the only way to celebrate the 174-99 combo.

Vanity: The Most Beautiful of the Deadly Sins

As an ugly ugly, fat fat fat man, there are few aspects of my appearance in which I can take a modicum of pride. Sure, my calves are sicktight, but I think it's retarded that one could look upon such a body part with any degree of pride, (plus, it's cold outside and I can't show them off). Though I do get enjoyment when I hear of other morons' vain attempts to improve their physique in this area ("if I only get calf implants, I'll totally be neck-deep in pussy!"). No, the only thing that I can be proud of is my stupid hair.

Actually, I mainly find my hair to be annoying. It really only works in one style, and there's a whole metric fuckton of it. It's not like I have a giant afro--no, it's just that there's more hair packed per-square-inch than you can imagine. The greatest part about this is that I have the same conversation with every barber:

Barber Fellow: That's a lot of hair!
Me: Sure is, hehehe (thinks of way to knife someone nearby)

But in general, I'm happy with whatever haircut I get. It's pretty hard to fuck up "just trim it". The only problem is the maintenance, because without proper care, drastic shit happens.

I end up looking like a dyke.


I have multiple factors working against me, which lead to that unfortunate possibility. One is my approximately C-cup breasts, which while potentially fantastic on a woman, are just wrong on my body. Two, my Eastern European heritage works against me, because of the stereotype in American culture that E. European women are more manly-looking than their male counterparts. All of this adds to the general confusion that could result.

Sure, I could easily rectify this problem with some careful adjustments on my part. But due to my strict pro-lazy, anti-metro policy, I do as little as possible when it comes to hair care. No blow-dry, because frying my head does not sound appealing. No mousse, because that shit is icky and gets all over your hands, with none of the fun of 'batin. And no gel, because my douche quotient is not high enough. If you use hairgel, you're a douche. And if you dare offer yourself as a counterexample, I'm sorry--next time you check the mirror you'll have a douche staring right back at you. No, all I do is run a brush through the hair a couple of times, and half-expect it to stay relatively in place for the next 20 hours.

When it all comes together, you have the one man that can rock the near-pompadour this side of Daniel Kessler from Interpol. Sure, it sounds bongtarded in theory, but it's the only thing that ever comes to working. This then leads to the compliments from the ladies, who once have gotten over their initial disgust, come to marvel at my amazing follicles. And it stays looking good, no matter what the length--from 80s I-Banker style to late 70s porn producer style, the potential is there. But then again, there's the good chance I end up looking like a man-hating lesbian.



And now, if you excuse me, it's Friday night. Time for this dyke to hit the town.

Steven Spielberg Either Reads Our Blog...

Or Has Lost His Goddamned Mind


Those are the only two possible conclusions. Why do we make such outrageous claims as these? (At least we have no ownership claim of inventing the question mark.) Well, see the facts and we'll let you be the judge.

Yesterday we made a post that somehow tied the LSU-Virginia Tech game to the incredible cinema masterwork House II: The Second Story. Don't ask me how we did it--that's just lazytalk, you can read the post right below and see just how it happened. The important thing is this--it DID happen. Y'all cant deny it, I'm a fuckin' rider, you don't wanna bang with me (yeah), or something to that effect.


What the hell does this have to do with Steven Spielberg? A fair question, though I'm disappointed your parents didn't teach you any fucking manners. Don't use that tone with me young man. Anyways, just a few minutes after I post the previous blog, it appears that the news is that Spielberg has decided on a name for the new Indiana Jones film, and it's completely bongtarded: "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull". Of course, my first reaction to this was the same as yours--good Christ, that's incredibly lame. Then my mind started spinning, started doing the old thinking.


There was a goddamn crystal skull in House II. I have no idea what the hell it did, but it seemed like it was pretty damned important to the plot, considering the various demons and Cryptkeepers that kept trying to steal it. It had something to do with something, I'll tell you that much. Whatever, it was a stupid plot device and Zhuang and I had endless fun making fun of its worthlessness. And yet, this is going to now be the goal of the new Indiana Jones flick.

I therefore conclude that Steven either reads our blog, or has the same awful Saturday night habits that Zhuang and I have--which is apparently watching crappy movies on basic cable. The second conclusion is more likely, but I think the first one is the truth. In that case...

Enjoy the blog, Mr. Spielberg! Please buzz Joe Reefer if you need anything!