Even My Fantasy Life Sucks

Recently, Mr. Zhuang and I were watching the Blazers take on the Celtics in a great back-and-forth game, that we unfortunately lost in overtime as the ageless Ray Allen, who after missing nearly everything that night, hit a clutch three-pointer. We spent a good deal of time cracking jokes about Celtics announcer Tommy Heinsohn and his bestowing of "Tommy Points"--GIVE 'IM A TOMMY POINT! Between the jokes, at some point I began to wonder about the status of my FutureWife and whether she was still cheering for the Celtics.


This started a couple of years ago, after reading a piece on Deadspin where they announced that the Celtics for the first time in their history were hiring a dance team (news that probably killed Red Auerbach). So they put a link up so we could take a look for ourselves and make obscene comments for the most part. Given that these women came from Boston, the chances that any of the dancers would be attractive were minimal. Don't let anyone try to convince you that hey, Boston is a college town, they must have some cute girls--this is bullshit. Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Models who happen to go to Harvard are definitely the exception, not the rule.

So I was pleasantly surprised to see this one girl who caught my eye; then I read her biography, and knew I had found my FutureWife. She was essentially a perfect match (well, in everything but looks, but that's understandable). She was Greek for one, which is always a plus, and wants to live in the Greek isles. Her dream is to work for the United Nations or an embassy--perfect for an International Relations major like me, and I even worked an embassy myself. So she's not just an empty head. And finally, here's the capper: her favorite band is Pearl Jam (I'll look past the show tunes part because this definitely balances that out--plus I've been known to burst out into "76 Trombones" randomly). Hello, Alexis.

So after the game was over, I search online to see if she's still cheering for the Celtics. Apparently she's no longer doing that, so I don't have to worry about her cheering against my Blazers. However, I did come across something much more unpleasant: a wedding registry. Apparently my Alexis is marrying a NotMe this May. I quickly asked friend of the blog Von Bookman to begin plans for a daring operation to break up the wedding, but he said "I've got finals in May". I tried to say he could squeeze this in, and hey, I had finals too, but I began to realize that this probably wasn't a great idea. Plus, you know, I should just be happy that my FutureWife has found her own happiness. And you never know, there may still be time for me to become FutureSecondHusband.

Cue sad, mournful song of unrequited love:


As for the real life, can't say the situation is any better. It's not like I come into Valentine's Day with any expectations; the most memorable thing about the holiday is that back in my DJ days I always had a shift on the day, even though I changed slots each year. So it's usually no big deal. But then again, when you hear things from The Girl that her plans for the holiday last year were a quick dinner with her boyfriend, and then get home early enough so she can catch the Dunk Contest, it stings a little bit. Goddammit.

So I continue to search, hopefully finding that someone. She'll relax to the grooves of Spoon, analyze the lyrics of Wolf Parade, dance with me to My Morning Jacket, tolerate my Pearl Jam fanaticism and my Mike McCready obsession, admire the majesty of Sigur Rós, marvel at the musical genius of Television, and rock out to the MC5 and The Thermals. Oh yeah, and being into music would probably be a good idea. When you find her, give me a call. Meanwhile, I see a bottle of ouzo with my name on it. Cheers.

And we approach the New Year ...

WDR New Year's VIDEO Extravaganza!



Yes, it's that time again: Time to get drunk and stay up late WITH A PURPOSE! Then there's the next few weeks of writing the wrong date on your checks and feeling a little bit older. (Wait, I was in high school ten years ago?!)

There's also the tradition (for some) of making New Year's resolutions. I have not done this, mostly because no one keeps their resolutions, anyway. Also, why should you only make resolutions to change your life ONLY on New Year's. Why not do this when it seems best to do so? I've never really understood this. I guess that's why I picked the song above for New Year's. I think we can all agree that this is a great song. Also, I love the bottle that Eddie wields at the beginning of this video. I like the cut of his jib, that guy.

This New Year's, though, I think that the WDR crew should make a resolution to make more posts here. This year we had a considerable amount fewer posts than in previous years, so we should try to make up for it. Also, as the only member of the group who will not be at the WDR End of Year Extravaganza at Casa de Ouzo, I thought I might as well post something about New Year's here. Get drunk and kill a pinata, guys!

Also, I say, why not have a special video section for the New Year? Glad you agree. So here are some videos that have something to do with the past year. Hope you enjoy the list



Best Christopher Walken Moment



This video got Lady Gaga stuck in my head for days, but it was still worth it.



Best Song Clip Without Music

David Lee Roth Vocal Track, "Runnin' With The Devil" - watch more funny videos

OK, so this isn't a song from the last year, but I heard this in 2009. Not a lot to see video-wise, but the audio is fantastic. David Lee Roth is hilarious.

On a side note, I had a dream recently that my parents moved into a new house and David Lee Roth was our neighbor. Some film crew was over at his house and he was doing some sort of "Cribs"-esque show for his house. My cat runs into his yard and he starts telling the film crew that the cat is his. This was bullshit and I confronted Roth about it and he just wanted me to "play it cool" and let him pretend that the cat was his. The argument continued until I woke up. I have no idea what that dream meant.


The Best Video You'll See of a Guy Getting Hit in the Face With a Cookie Sheet

I actually took this from Deadspin's 2009 coverage, but it makes me laugh every time. The Backstory: The editor of Deadspin.com bet the founder that the Philadelphia Eagles would beat the Arizona Cardinals last season. He lost, and one of the things he had to do was take a cookie sheet to the face. I've added a link here because I couldn't find the thing on YouTube. Enjoy.


The Best Frank Moment from "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia"




The picture goes in reverse for the second section of this, but that doesn't really matter. Frank is "The Trash Man"! The part of him at the beginning of the clip is great, too.

The Best Drunken History



All of these are good and I hope they make more of them. The idea is simple: Get someone drunk and have them explain a historical event. Then, have some actors act it out. My favorite was Alexander Hamilton, but they are all fantastic.

And that's the little bit of effort I'm going to put into something today that doesn't involve drinking. So happy New Year's to all of you out there. Drink, but don't drive, lest you get fucked by the police.(If college bowl week has taught me anything, it's that.) Also, in case you didn't know, the Manhattan Bridge in New York opened 100 years ago today. So ... that's cause for celebration too, right? Me, I'm going to start off the New Year hung over and watching the Rose Bowl. Go Ducks!

Hump Day Helper -- Nic Ouzo Birthday Edition

Because it's Wednesday, and we all need a pick-me-up to make it through the rest of the week in our respective hells, WDR is providing some fun.

Though just about every week it's "my" choice for the video, this choice was one that was surely made solely in my own self-interest. That's right, it's time for another Pearl Jam fix, and the hell with you if you don't care for it.

Since there are few actual music videos with Pearl Jam, I decided to go with a live selection this time. Of course, it's hard to go wrong with one of those, since Pearl Jam is one of the best live acts in the world these days. As for the song, I chose the one that Chuck Klosterman said was Pearl Jam's only truly "great" song--while I'd argue that they have a few more that would fit under that category, I would agree with Chuck in saying that this one easily fits the bill.

The lyrics to "Corduroy" are some of Pearl Jam's finest, and this performance sees the band firing on all cylinders. Matt Cameron's drumming is on fire in this one, and Mike McCready throws down one of his better solos in this performance. "Corduroy" is a tough song to get a consistent solo--it has a strange chord progression that is constantly cycling through, so while you can get some amazing licks in there, it's hard to sustain a fully coherent great solo. But Mike manages to do just that here. You're welcome.

I don't want to be held in your debt
I'll pay it off in blood, let I be wed
I'm already cut up and half dead
I'll end up alone like I began...

Happy Birthday to Me (2009 Edition)

Hey, once again it's time for a birthday post. Unlike the other two bozos, I'm stepping up to the plate and doing my own quick birthday post. So how is/was my birthday? Well, besides the slight bummer of having to return my copy of Dinosaur Jr.'s new album, something I had been waiting to have for over two months, because of some packaging error that gave me only the bonus disc and not the actual album, it's gone pretty well. I had a get-together with my friends last night, with a guest list that saw more faces than my last 3 or 4 parties combined (though minus one asshole), and we had a great time enjoying the benefits of Buttface Amber Ale and ping-pong-based alcoholic consumption games.



And what awesome gifts did I receive? Well besides a few complimentary drinks (always appreciated in these quarters), I also received this as a gift from "my parents". This captures everything you can want in a birthday present--it speaks to your passions, and is absolutely useless, and probably a waste of money. But fuck it, I'm gonna enjoy this one.

Things That Make Nic Ouzo Happy

Few things give me as much joy as listening to the music of Pearl Jam. When people learn this about me, it tends to provide interesting reactions--the more musically inclined show some respect, while the other 98% of people look at me cock-eyed and think "how could anyone listen to 'Jeremy' a million times?" Don't worry though, I'm used to it. Unlike most "fans" (and most people you know, including probably you yourself), I have yet to find a disappointing Pearl Jam album. Yup, I'm the guy that likes even Binaural and Riot Act; I guess I'm the kind of guy you'd try to avoid at parties.

So when I get the chance to listen to brand new music from the group I relish the opportunity. Unfortunately, I had just begun my wild European trip when the guys christened the Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien with their latest, so I missed that chance. However, I managed to find a copy of their new single as it was released to radio, so now all is well.

My thoughts? I can easily see how I could dismiss "The Fixer". It doesn't initially come off like a typical PJ song, but then you realize that at this point it's hard to determine what the typical PJ song actually is, since they move from style to style so easily, without calling attention to it (Hey look at me, I've just done a metal track and I'm throwing in some samba!) The song represents an evolution musically from the Avocado Album, with a good amount of pep, mixed in with some intriguing classic rock and even new wave touches. The lyrics also stand out, as PJ no longer has the same rage that Dubya inspired--no, it's time for optimism, now that we're in the age of Obama. Hell, "The Fixer" would have been a great campaign song if it came out 8 months ago. However, the song is missing one essential ingredient--the standard ripping guitar solo from Mike McCready, which this song is just begging to have (and gives a slight glimpse of the possibilities, as it fades out in the end). But fuck yeah, I'm looking forward to hearing this one live.

Happy Birthday To Me

We did birthday posts last year, but we did it in a way that is the true WDR spirit--we posted the wrong alias with the wrong day. I think we said it was Joe's birthday when it was really my birthday last year. We did this so people would be confused by our online identities, but I think the number of people confused by this gambit is in the high zeroes. So I'm saying the hell with that this year, and doing what I want instead.

Which means playing some fucking Pearl Jam. Last night when we hit the bars, we heard a couple of songs from my favorite band randomly on the jukebox, including this one right here. Joe was somehow surprised that as soon as he recognized "Porch" was playing that I was already singing along, "what the fuck is this world running to..." While "Porch" does indeed rock my socks, I decided to go with the one that sounds more appropriate for a birthday. Of course, being a Pearl Jam fanatic, I know the true irony of that statement considering the meaning of the song, but as Eddie once said, we the audience now own the song.

So watch this awesome live performance of "Alive", complete with guitar heroics from the Awesome Mike McCready, and Eddie Vedder dancing with whomever he can find.

Hump Day Helper -- Possibly the Best Music Video Ever Edition

Because it's Wednesday, and we all need a pick-me-up to make it through the rest of the week in our respective hells, WDR is providing some fun.

People who know me well know that I'm a huge fan of Pearl Jam. Surprisingly enough, that facet of my personality hasn't shown up nearly as often as my penchant for profanity. But since I've run out of inspiration (temporarily) for the HDH, and my birthday is coming up, I said "fuck it, we're playing some Pearl Jam".

I always cite "Do The Evolution" as an example that shows that Pearl Jam really knows how to cut loose and just fucking rawk, and is proof positive that the Pitchfork quote that Pearl Jam played music "as if punk never happened" is among the dumbest things ever written. This song especially rips live, and is always a treat since Eddie likes to change up a few lyrics, like tossing in a "I'm the first mammal to shit my pants" or "Admire my man, Stone" and embarrass his guitarist.

Plus the video really is a winner for the truly cynical. Its depiction of humanity is dark, but very much true in a sense. Too bad nobody really saw it when it came out, but you can watch it now.

I'm a thief, I'm a liar
Here's my church, I sing in the choir...

WDR Goes Out To The Movies!

Unfortunately, without the help of Frank DeCaro...


As we mentioned previously, yesterday was the Oscars. There has been volumes and volumes written about Oscar's imperfections in determining quality cinema (I mean, look at this list of directors without Oscars: Kubrick, Kurosawa, Lumet, Altman, Hitchcock, Bergman...and that's just off the top of my head), so we're not going to rehash old mistakes, like fucking Titanic and it's half-assed love story with sorry-looking effects over the greatest crime thriller since Chinatown in L.A. Confidential. I'm sure the other members of WDR have their own past grievances to file, and they can make their voices heard in the comments section.

As for the ceremony, kudos to John Stewart for a ripping monologue and keeping the show humming along, despite the presence of numerous momentum-killing montages. Of course, that wasn't his fault, and neither was the feeling that they seriously rushed the last 15 minutes of the show. In this post, though, we just wanted to mention a few of the oversights of not only this year's committee, but also some mentions that have been absent in critical discussion as well.

Best Animated Film You're talking to a guy here who absolutely loves penguins. Enough with the goddamn penguins already! Seriously, the fact that a movie as well received as The Simpsons Movie losing out on a nomination to a surfing penguins picture, well, it angers up the blood. ANGER...RISING...

Best Visual Effects I think any movie in which you can see the goddamn frame rates refreshing should automatically disqualify a film from this category--and the fact that Transformers could be charitably described as a cinematic war crime doesn't help its case either. Instead, I think that this category should go with the films that do "more with less". A perfect example of this was The Fountain last year, which managed to show some of the most beautiful images ever captured on film, without the aid of computers at all. This year, I think the honor should have gone to Sunshine, an otherwise better-than-average sci-fi/philosophy flick that greatly benefited from spectacular visuals that will stay with you for weeks afterwards.

Best Cinematography I believe Oscar chose wisely here, but I have to say I was disappointed with the lack of a nomination for The Darjeeling Limited. The scenic vistas were utilized so well that the Indian countryside was almost another character in the film, to borrow a cliché. When one of the characters remarks that he'll never forget the smell of the country, you can totally identify with that sentiment.



Best Song AND Best Score First of all, three songs from one movie? The Academy must really have it in for Eddie Vedder, who after all did win the Golden Globe for "Guaranteed", though you probably could have picked any track from his soundtrack to Into The Wild. It was one thing to overlook the sublime "Man of the Hour" from Big Fish, but this just smacks of assholism. And of course, you have to give it to the Academy for disqualifying at the last minute the one score that everyone was talking about, the one Jonny Greenwood did for There Will Be Blood. The best part of the disqualification reasoning was that Greenwood had already used some of the music before, a piece THAT HE WROTE and was performed once. But here we'll give credit to a score that kept things interesting and kept the viewer on guard throughout a magnificent film.

The Overlooked in General Zodiac was totally shut out, but David Fincher proves that you'll have to watch everything he does. The performances were stellar, and for a thriller in which we (should) know the ending, he kept it remarkably dramatic. Another film that was only given token appreciation was Eastern Promises. If you want to talk about tight filmmaking, you'll need to show this film in that intro class.

And finally...


We all love the Coens around here. In fact, we probably could do a feature in which we rated the 10 best Coen Brother pictures, and we'd piss each other off with our votes for 8-10--they're that great. But the best picture of last year was the absolutely epic and stunning There Will Be Blood. Whereas No Country For Old Men had its charms, such as its tight plotting, great suspense, and wonderful little funny moments, its theme of chance being the ultimate arbiter of everything falls flat. In contrast, in TWBB we see the epic rise of man, but at the ultimate cost of his soul. Plainview's drive to compete was his sole obsession in life, and a a result, he loses his humanity in the process. Trust me, fifteen years from now, that's going to be the film everyone remembers.

Besides, I liked No Country For Old Men better when it was called Fargo. At least that movie was willing to laugh at the absurdity of life.

Cine-rama Playlist!

Today is of course the Oscars, and most everyone's eyes are turned towards, if you want to be crass, The Gay Super Bowl. While your woman or life partner chats on and on with their insufferable friends about dress choices and how I Can't Believe George Clooney Is With That Whorelady I Know Why Doesn't He Settle Down, you might as well switch on the iPod and hook yourself up to this special Movie Edition playlist. Then sit back, enjoy the tunes, and mourn the Academy's dreadful oversight of "Who's Your Caddy"".

Radiohead - "Exit Music (For A Film)"
the Cinematics - "Asleep At the Wheel"
Aphex Twin - "Film"
The Olivia Tremor Control - "Jumping Fences" (off of The Unrealized Film Script, Dusk at Cubist Castle)
New Pornographers - "Sing Me Spanish Techno" (off of Twin Cinema)
Pearl Jam - "State of Love and Trust" (from the soundtrack to Singles, the greatest soundtrack of the '90s)
Cracker - "Movie Star"
Alien Ant Farm - "Movies"
The Apex Theory - "Add Mission" (with the lyric "Cameras capture numerous nights of romance--Behold the movie of the year!)
Built to Spill - "Car" (featuring the lyric "I want to see movies of my dreams")
Spoon - "The Book is a Movie", followed by "The Book I Write" from the Stranger than Fiction soundtrack
Eddie Vedder - "Guaranteed" (what SHOULD HAVE BEEN the winner of "Best Song" this year)
Beck - "Movie Theme"
Radiohead - "Motion Picture Soundtrack"