Nic Ouzo's Wild European Adventure: Exploring Dutch Television

Some wise scholar once said that the best way to get a view of another culture is to view what they watch on television. Actually, I'm pretty sure no one actually said this, and I really didn't feel like writing a decent opening for this post. No matter, the stage is set--we're talking about Dutch television today.


Surprisingly enough, there is plenty of English-language programming available on Dutch television. I don't think that the apartments I've been had any fancy-pants cable systems (they each had around 25 channels), but at any given moment I could probably find something in English worth watching (even if it was CNNInternational or BBCNews). But that's because I've been conditioned from years of going to Greece, and finding the only English programming to be one terrible old forgotten movie; it was either that, or watch futbol, and soccer won every time (though in the past few years, English programming has increased). In Holland, I'm able to get a whole range of television shows; I remember a couple of nights when I was first settling in, I would just plop on the couch after a long day of work and not move for three or four hours, and only then realizing I had to get dinner, and only then realizing the only goddamn thing that's open in the city past 9 pm is basically McDonald's.

I've also enjoyed the act that each night there are at least 4 different movie choices I can watch. They range from the great (Quiz Show (subject of a future WDR column), Jurassic Park, Heat) to the "why the fuck not, I've got time to kill" (Sum of All Fears, The Arrival), to the "good thing this is what American culture is exporting these days (Let's Go To Prison!, 2001: A Space Travesty). And considering I spent about 5 weeks without television, since I was afraid of bothering my landlord (the TV was in the den, two floors below my living quarters), who knows what I missed out on.


Another thing to note about television here is that Comedy Central plays pretty much every comedy show that's in syndication in the states these days, plus tossing in a random few others (I just now got acquainted with the surprisingly decent family-humor of "The Tracy Morgan Show")(that, and they split time with a Dutch-dubbed version of a Nickelodeon/Disney hybrid). So each night they'll have the Simpsons, Scrubs, South Park, Frasier, and Becker among other things. A big difference between American and Dutch TV is the amount of commercials and their placement. Whereas these days in the US each half-hour sitcom has at least 3 commercial breaks, all of the shows here just have one mildly long break in the middle of the show. This allows a quick-strike schedule of 25 minutes per show, but wreaks havoc on trying to figure out what time a favorite is on (is It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia on at 10:40 or 10:55?). However, I've been bombarded by ads for Entourage during every break on Comedy Central, which tends to get slightly annoying even though I get to see Holly Valance's cute face every 20 or so minutes.



Another thing that's worth a mention is the fact that there are not one, not two, but three music video stations. Granted one of them is still MTV, but at least MTVDutchland attempts to play videos sometimes (though usually later at night). Hell, I even saw a couple of rock videos. But in looking at a view of Dutch music television as a whole, it appears that the Dutch are really into Flo Rida and Lady GaGa, as well as this Norwegian rap song. Take that any way you want it.

But when it gets dark outside, Dutch TV goes fucking crazy. After midnight, at any moment, you'll find 6 or so channels advertising what I called "sex-texts" each night. Now, that was a bit of a misnomer--it's not just dirty talk, it's filmed movies and dirty pictures that are sent to your phone through SMS (the term "SMS" is big in Europe, though I imagine most in the US would not have any idea what I'm talking aboot, eh?). And to answer your question, indeed everything pretty much gets shown in these advertisements. All tastes are represented (which you'll find to be the case when you visit the Amsterdam Red Light District [shivers]), and I mean all of them. The all-time best ad is for one service whose big draw seems to be a masked naked woman who, um, has two pieces of toast on her ass. I had no words for it, but when pressed for a response, Dr. Von Bookman mentioned something about how "maybe they want you to put your 'manjam' on it". Indeed, Doctor.

Oh, and these commercials have taught me one of the few Dutch words I know--apparently "Enorme" is exactly what you'd think it means.

We're Going to Miss You, Lil' Russ

As many of you are aware, a titan in the field of journalism left us in Friday. Since our resident journalist Mr. Zhuang has been taking this pretty hard (he hasn't left his dormicile since he heard the news, except to toss out a bottle of Jack and grab a bottle of Grey Goose), it's up to me to say something that makes this all worth your while.

I for one will always remember Tim Russert as the consummate professional, the man who did the research and backed up his questions with the hard facts. Simply put, the man did the job he was supposed to do, which frankly in this day and age is more than we can ever expect from his colleagues. He was not the kind of guy that would make random broad statements just to get attention, unlike say Glenn Beck (who hencewith shall be known as "Gleck") or Laura Ingraham, who despite graduating from UVA Law doesn't quite trust the Supreme Court to deal with constitutional matters like in Boumediene. But I digress, there's no need to inflict injury on Tim's good name by accounting for the sins of his colleagues. Let's just remember the man for his sharp wit, his incredible skill, and his joie de vivre.

It'll be strange not being able to watch the man on Sunday mornings (or, in my case, Sunday evenings during the Meet The Press reruns, since I'm not a fan of waking up on Sunday mornings). Which makes it all the more fitting that NBC's tribute to this titan was to leave the [his] chair empty this week. Dammit Tim, we'll miss you.

Deconstructing Pennsylvania

Once everyone forgot about it...


It is usually best to analyze events once a certain amount of time has passed, so that one can fully take in what has happened and process it. You know, gain some perspective. Of course, this flies in the face of the mantra of Cable News and Media Punditry, who thrive in the world of Insta-Analysis and Whiplash Judgments, so the idea of "perspective" may seem crazy to some of you. But here at WDR, we thrive on the crazy, so we're bringing you analysis...two weeks later. When everyone is concerned about two other states.

The immediate story that everyone picked up on was the fact that with a double-digit win in Pennsylvania, Hillary Clinton had proven that Barack Obama is an intrinsically weak candidate who was destined for failure, and that she had the keys to victory in November. The momentum was now moving in her direction, and we had a new game on our hands. Of course, this was a narrative that while interesting, didn't really mesh with what happened in reality.


First off, Clinton did not win by double digits. Since the media doesn't seem to understand the principles of rounding numbers, most didn't realize that by rounding Hillary's numbers up and by rounding Obama's numbers down, they artificially inflated the distance between their numbers--turning a 9.2% victory into a magical double-digit 10& victory. There's a huge psychological difference between winning by double digits versus single, and Hillary shouldn't have been able to play that up in the days after the primary.

Clinton also loved to play up the underdog angle in Pennsylvania, and the media was willing to eat it up. While in terms of national numbers (and in the progress of the entirety of the campaign) this may be true, that was definitely not the case in the state itself. Nearly two months before the primary, Hillary's lead in the state was mammoth, somewhere in the range of 25%. The fact that Obama was able to chip it all the way down to 9%, during a time in which he was hammered from all sides on various controversies, says more about the failings of Clinton than it does of Obama.

The other overlooked aspect of Clinton's initial advantage in the state was the support that she had by all the top party brass in the state. She had the support of Governor Ed "Eddie Rendazzo" Rendell, an incredibly popular figure in the state, and the support of the Mayor of Philadelphia, among others. This built-in advantage was a key factor in her win, and was too much for Obama to potentially overcome.


The other big story was the issue of capturing the "white working-class vote". Who knew that White Men held any power in the United States? That sure caught me by surprise, boy howdy. Why couldn't Obama latch onto these voters? This of course overlooks the fact that Obama did well in such locales known for their diversity, like Idaho and Maine. The reality is that Obama does not generally have a problem with whites per se. It is just that Hillary Clinton is like the Andromeda Strain of race politics--she only can work within a narrow range of minority populations. The real problem demographic that Obama has had trouble with is voters over 65--if you look at the results across the nation, he consistently loses by huge margins to this group. Of course, when he actually brought this fact up, it was dismissed. Nothing like letting the facts get in the way of a good story.

But perception is often reality, and Hillary was able to use Pennsylvania as a jumpstart to her Quixotic campaign, at least in the media's eyes. We now had to see what the problem was with Obama, pushing the story that "he can't close this one out". Of course, this discounts the fact that Obama's opponent is an incredibly able politician with millions of people who support her--it's difficult to turn off a faucet that powerful, in other words.



In the end, we'll forget all about Pennsylvania and these two weeks leading up to Indiana and North Carolina, as we realize that all along Hillary only had Joementum, not momentum. And Joementum is no way to win a campaign.

Pepperjack is NOT playin'!

Some good news in the world of entertainment!


I don't watch a whole lot of TV at school because, well, I don't want to pay for it and the cable is only available in the other bedroom of my apartment. Still, when I lose a show that I like, it really brings me down. That's why I was glad to see that It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia will be coming back for a 4th season! (Ed. Note: And you could bet your ass that Nic is excited as well)

This isn't exactly a new development (Apparently Entertainment Weekly broke the story more than a month ago) but it's new to me, and that's what matters, right? Now I won't have to look for clips on YouTube to get my fix. And it means that fellow Oregon Duck Kaitlin Olsen will still be on TV, so EVERYONE wins!

Times are good.

From the "I Can't Believe He's Still Alive/Working" File

If you're anything like us, you've watched countless hours of television. This is of course, a good thing--you're helping to stimulate the economy by downloading thousands of hours of advertising into your brain, which will then float into your subconscious and will force you to buy that fantastic contraption, ye olde "Magic Bullet" at the local Stop 'N' Shop. At least, I think that's how it works. I could be wrong, but I doubt it.


The point is, you've probably come across the crazy ramblings of this combination of The Riddler/Urkel that is pictured to the right here. That's Matthew Lesko, in case you're wondering, and he's the guy that yells at you with claims of being able to give you "free money" and such. He's a generous guy, this Lesko character. And you shouldn't let the fact that what he's selling you is utter bullshit stand in your way!


Why do I bring this up? Well, last night I was spending my time doing extremely productive things--namely, watching Sgt. Bilko for the 15th time*--when all of a sudden I see this dancing leprechaun on my screen. After a few seconds, I realize that it is Matthew Lesko, with a NEW commercial! He's slightly older, and has a more retarded haircut these days, but he's still jibber-jabbering like the idiot we all love. So congratulations, Mr. Lesko: You're not dead.

*I know what many of you are thinking--Sgt. Bilko?!? But it's one of those movies that I watch whenever it's on--and since STARZ! used to rerun it 5 times a week, I've seen it plenty of times. In the future, we could do a rundown of movies that fit this description. In fact, next time we haven't posted something for a day, remind us and we'll do just that. We're really responsive like that.

Always Read The Fine Print

The fine print on advertisements has always been a ripe subject for hacky comedians, which means that it's a topic that is right up WDR's alley. But we're not going to do a bit on how "it's so tiny, how do they expect us to read this?". Or make fun of the various side-effects that they list in those pharmaceutical ads ("boy, I would think getting explosive diarrhea kind of negates the decrease in my social anxiety! Thanks Paxil!)? Especially now, considering that they apparently have to state all the harmful possibilities at the exact same volume as the rest of the pitch, leading to ad companies trying to come up with creative new ways to account for this, like the one ad for the birth-control pill that is the same name as a famous Red Sox All-Star that conveniently has the friend also be some sort of physician. No, we're here to point out the utter ridiculousness of the substance of the fine print. Is this different? No, but we don't get paid to be better than that.

1). Fictionalized Scene There's a Dodge commercial that begins with what appears to be wine swirling around in a glass. You're thinking, hey, that Pinot Gris would really go great with that trout I'm fixing tonight (or that Lean Cuisine Lasagna that you're actually microwaving). But wait! There's a twist! The camera pulls out, and we see what is actually dispensing the slightly-colored liquid. Tis not a winebottle, tis a gaspump nozzle! Oh, the situational irony!



And once we get the shot that reveals the nozzle, we get the aforementioned fine print (the part that we put in bold, minus the numeral). And there is only one question to ask about this: Why??!???! Would it be so scandalous if there was actually a nozzle dispensing gasoline? Is this too saucy for us to see, the real gasoline instead of a similar-looking liquid?

That doesn't beat this gem, however...

2). The Way VERAMYST works is not entirely understood. I just saw a commercial for MiracleDrug (TM) VERAMYST last night, and saw that line appear in the middle of the commercial. I don't know whether to laugh, or be frightened. I would assume that this drug is FDA-approved, and has gone through years and years of rigorous testing. Yet they're not sure how the hell it works? I always said you can never trust someone with a so-called Doctor's License!

This is so strangely reminiscent of the Happy Fun Ball that I'm almost afraid to inquire further--is it alien technology, or just magic? If it was either of those, couldn't we have done something better than allergy medication. I still want a hovercar, dammit.



Heed the warning of the Happy Fun Ball

The TUBE, We Hardly Knew Ye

Last night, I learned of a terrible traveshamockery. No, not the brutal crackdown in Myanmar--that's an actual tragedy, made worse only by the fact that we ignored it for over a decade, and we'll probably forget about in a couple of weeks (seriously, shouldn't the fact that Rambo saw genocide be reported?!). No, today I mourn the loss of a television channel. A channel that the vast majority of people either did not receive or had no idea that they in fact had. And that was probably a good reason why the channel failed.


That channel was called The TUBE. What the hell was The TUBE? Well, it had the crazy idea that a channel that broadcasts only music videos could survive. I mean, what kind of audience existed for that, besides the millions of people that were pissed off with the continual downward spiral of the Television Channel Formerly Known As Music Television. I had sung the praises of this channel months earlier, and would continue to be a patron of its services over the ensuing months. This was especially true in the summer, where I stayed in a house that lacked cable, but somehow received this channel. So it was a great shock when I was flipping through the channels last night, and found out it no longer exists.

Thinking back, I should've realized that all the signs were there. For one, the commercials mainly consisted of Billy Mays pitching a carwash soap or some sort of hi-tech mop, or one for some annoying toy helicopter that was somehow amazingly expensive. These are not the kind of sponsors with which you can support a solid businessplan. That, and its total lack of advertising in other mediums (or on other channels) probably doomed it to a small audience.


So, despite the channel's numerous failings (like its rotation that was 40% David Grey and Genesis videos, plus the hard-on that the channel had for every Beatle's solo project), I carry a heavy heart over the death of this channel. But rest assured, the message that flashes across the now blank screen assures me that something will replace the channel soon! Because, you know I was worried that Channel 303 would be empty, and that I would randomly type it into my remote and be disappointed only to see nothing. I am very comforted by this.

Don't Bother Me, I'm Watching TV

I'm sure most of you are wondering what I do with my time besides write for this blog, watch movies in a drunken stupor, and "researching". Since I am of minimal social skills but practice good hygiene, I spend a lot of that time watching TV (instead of, say, playing video games (hence the point about hygiene)). And tonight marks the night where I celebrate this fact rather than mourn it.


That's because for once TV is worth watching. It's Thursday night, and that means the comedy lineup on NBC. There's the amiable My Name Is Earl, which while the weak link of the night, is a nice appetizer for what's to come. Then there's the brilliantly zany 30 Rock, which quickly became a favorite last season. Between Alec Baldwin's deliciously insane portrayal of a corporate head to the endless parade of quotable lines ("Live every week like it's 'Shark Week'"; "TELEVISION: ON! PORNOGRAPHY!"), it's comic sunshine in my dull dull life. There's the now-familiar standby, The Office, which still has a kick in it, even when you think it's heading downhill. And then there's Scrubs; though it may have lost its fastball, it's still worth keeping up as it winds down its run.


Adding to this great lineup this season, there is the added bonus of It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia on FX. 10 o'clock rolls around, I'm watching this one. As Zhuang put it, it's kind of like Friends, if all of them were evil. I've totally caught up on the first two seasons (not much of an accomplishment, in any sense of the word, since there were only a handful of episodes in total), and now I'm prepared for doubleshots of new episodes each week. Follow this with the standard Daily Show/Colbert Report power hour, I've got my entire Thursday night booked. And that means I want no distractions.

Fuck you if you ruin my Thursday night. Of course, NBC kind of ruins it with one-hour premieres and FX does the same with slightly long episodes that bleed into my power hour, but I can take it. I'm strong like that.

Catch it Monday, on a New Episode of CSI: Miami!

I had made the unfortunate decision to spend my Saturday night at "home". This was mainly the result of me realizing that it was probably a bad idea to try and rely on the DC MetroBus late on a Saturday night, and also just generally being tired. The first part of the evening was spent wasting time on the Internet, followed by me relaxing by listening to Loveless.

Upon waking up I ventured downstairs and decided to see what was on the TV. Note that since there is no cable here in this residence where I am at temporarily, my options were pretty limited. For some reason, I settled on some TV newsmagazine, which I later found out to be 48 Hrs.: Mystery on CBS. Awesome.


I quickly became not-engrossed into the story of some serial killer dude. But there was a twist! You see, he killed attractive women! It's not at all like the plot of some bad 80's movie (Heat, the Burt Reynolds edition, I'm looking in your direction!). Well, it wasn't just that. The dude was a photographer. So he first took pictures of the pretty ladies. Then apparently he killed and mutilated them and a whole bunch of gross things.

Of course the emphasis wasn't really on the acts of violence themselves, but the targets. So with this hook of a photographer shooting models, well, that just gave the producers an excuse to randomly show footage of skeazy 80s photoshoots mixed in with serious, hard-hitting quasi-journalistic interviews.


But that wasn't nearly the worst part. The thing is, apparently one of the stars of CSI:Miami and her sister had their photos taken by this dude! So we went onto the set of the show to talk to her about her experience being a near-victim. They were shooting this new episode where some dude would show up at these model photoshoots, and would kill them...hey, it's the exactly like what happened in the 48 Hrs. story that we've been watching! And guess what? 48 Hrs. conveniently reminds you that you should CATCH THIS NEW EPISODE OF CSI: MIAMI ON MONDAY NIGHT!

Wow, that show promotion was really subtle. I didn't notice that a quarter of this supposed journalistic enterprise was devoted TO ANOTHER TV SHOW ON THE SAME NETWORK! It's not as if I'm expecting quality journalism here, but still, I found the whole thing to be a bit galling. It's just a whole new low.

Remember kids, this week on The Wayne Diego Report, you'll get what you all came here to see: HARD-CORE NUDITY! (may not actually occur)