Alcohol: It's what you're drinking

A few recipes from the WDR crew for your Halloween party (or any other for that matter)

It's a well-known fact that the WDR crew is a fan of booze. The sauce. Strong drink. Firewater. So it should come as no surprise when I say that we have quite a few recipes for our imbibing pleasure. We all know The Devil's Balls is the "breakfast FOR champions," but what what about the late-night drinks?

Well, here they are:

The Red Swede

This is a rather mysterious drink characterized by it's not actually having a fixed recipe. Instead, this drink must follow these guidelines: It must be red, it must have a cherry in it, it must be delicious, and it must cost less than $5. Beyond that, it could really be anything. I made one last week with a mix of grenadine, rum, vodka and some Sprite. It was a bit too sweet, but a friend told me it tasted like "Swedish Fish." I can only assume this is true. I suggest trying to order it at a bar and see what they can come up with.

The Sickenator

This monster of a drink was created by Joe and Nic, and I'm pretty sure it lives up to the name. It involves (as I recall) mixing 1/2 bottle of Wild Turkey with 1/4 bottle of tequila. My stomach is frightened...

The Hard Henry

What comes off as probably the most homo-erotic drink on the list, the Hard Henry is also the weakest of the drinks so far. It is a mix of Henry Weinhard's Cream Soda with spiced rum. This was invented in the dorms as a way of drinking without getting an MIP ("But it's a soda pop, officer..."). This was surprisingly effective and surprisingly delicious. Mix about 1 1/2 shots of spiced rum in a bottle of cream soda (drink the first part so you'll have room). To mix, invert the bottle with your thumb over the top, much the same way you would with a Corona and lime.

The Whiskey and Coke Slurpee

The WDR crew is a big fan of the whiskey and coke (or at least the coke), and we also have been known to hit up the 7/11 for some Slurpee goodness. Why not combine the two? That's what we have here. Pretty self-explanatory. I guess it depends on how big a Slurpee you have or how strong you want the drink to be, but my roommate and I tried this with 32 ounce Slurpees and finished most of a bottle of whiskey in it. Great for summertime.

The Evil Robut

This is a drink that doesn't really have a story because I just made it up. Sure, I could have gone for "Zombie" or something like that (it is Halloween), but that's already a drink and I wanted to make fun of the way Joe's Dad says "robot." I also couldn't think of much else. Except for Pumpkin Brains. Hmmm...

Pumpkin Brains

Pumpkin Brains is really a kick in the nuts that your Halloween party is probably lacking (Note: We don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing). Pumpkin Brains is a mix of 2 parts lemon lime Gatorade, 4 parts pulpy orange juice, 1 part tequila and 1 part Bacardi 151. After a couple a couple of these you will probably be making out with the French Maid or Robin, depending. Undoubtedly you'll regret the decision but continue to drink this one anyway.



So that's it for this post. You have any better ideas? I doubt it. But if you do, post 'em. We do love drinking...

Hump Day Helper--Halloween Scary Video Spectacular

Because it's Wednesday, and we all need a pick-me-up to make it through the rest of the week in our respective hells, WDR is providing some fun.

WDR loves Halloween so much, that it would like to take it back behind the middle school and get it pregnant, despite the obvious constraints of Halloween not being an actual entity, but merely a concept. We of course laugh at such constraints, because we are not tied down by the laws of physics or logic. We exist beyond that crap. The point is, today we're going to combine two of our loves, music videos and Halloween (or, in other words, "weird shit").

In the past, we've showcased in our Hump Day Helper some strange videos, like Interpol's "Evil", and last week, we gave you a taste of the scary with a kickass song from the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. Now it's time for the main course, as we pick random videos that we enjoy as a collective whole and attempt poor commentary on why they make such worthy Halloween choices.

The Underrated Creepy Video Band
We all know that Queens of the Stone Age has produced some of the most badass rock of the past decade (you will find their albums in constant rotation at WDR headquarters, especially R), but what has been overlooked is the crazy videos that these guys make. People remember the goofy Deer-Comes-Alive video of "No One Knows", but little else. What they're neglecting is stuff like the twisted cannibal horror of "Sick Sick Sick", the legitimately creepy violence of "Burn The Witch", and the terror that is a tranny scorned of this video, "Monsters In The Parasol".

Unfortunately, the scariest video of them all, "Everybody Knows That You're Insane", seems to be absent from the Interwebs. That being said, if you ever saw the original video with the deranged naked Japanese guy running around an apartment, you'd probably be scarred for some time.

The Ironic Scare
Back in the day, this video seemed to scare people a lot. But these days, if they shot the video without all the makeup, but just as the performer is now, people would literally crap their pants in fear. That's all I'm going to say.


The Hipster Horror Video
This song gets me pumped, and the video has a great style to it, from the grainy video quality to the ridiculous stop-motion attackers. Plus, the ending title cracks me up.

Gotta bust that box, gotta gut that fish!

The Video That Shows The Downfall Of The Second Album
I'm including this video because it shows everything that went wrong with Sam's Town--overindulgence (see: giant gospel choirs and horns?!?!) and no sense of style. Plus, retardedly creepy lyrics--"Don't you wanna feel my bones on your bones" defies all previously held conceptions of terrible writing.


The Category for "I Know Too Much About Horror"
We all know about Rob Zombie and his deal, and though I would much rather have a White Zombie video instead, we have to realize that this video was quite creepy to come across at 3 in the morning. Who said that a knowledge of horror movies was useless?


The "I Just Watched This A Minute Ago and I Had To Post It" Video
Daft Punk are awesome, and though they venture quite often into the realm of the strange, they never had a video as terrifying as this one.


This is actually a Snuff Film
Nine Inch Nails is of course very well known for their videos, though there was one set of videos that was deemed unworthy of airplay. Instead, it was sold on home video, where one could enjoy torture scenes and a trip down a toilet pipe in peace, with the fantastic ability to rewind. I'm only going to link to it, because frankly I don't want our blog to be investigated for anything. Mr. Zhuang has business contacts that the government DOES NOT NEED TO KNOW ABOUT.

Instead, let's just watch the perfectly stylized horror that is "The Perfect Drug".

Trent Reznor has stated that he is not a fan of his video, but dammit, it's sweet. Plus, we didn't want to go with the obvious choice of "Closer", even in all of its uncensored glory--though strangely enough, I appreciated the "Scene Missing" titles for giving it an even more mysterious air)

The "Holy shit, what happened to our instruments" Video
I will never turn down an opportunity to post this video.


Yes, it was only a dream. But Steve Perry's crotch has been the stuff of nightmares for years.

The WTF Video
Thanks for the heads-up in the comments section for this one. Glowing eyes, Urine-soaked fencing masks, SPEEDOS AND GYMNASTS--Good Christ, this video is terrifying.


We'll need the Dan Band to clean up after that one.

The Known Known
Tool is world-famous for their horrific, yet brilliant videos. The only problem was choosing which one to feature--do you go with the psychological trauma of "Prison Sex" or the purgatorial angst of "Sober"? You can't go wrong with the out-and-out weirdness of "Ænema". Well, I'm going to have to go with the videos which might be described as "Fun With Tumors" with naked people.


Mr. Zhuang's Choice
Well, he's a connoisseur of the Manson, so this choice is all his. I remember "Sweet Dreams" terrifying me as a child, and though it was responsible for one of the 3 funny things that David Spade has ever said ("Satan called, and said your videos are giving him nightmares"), this one is truly creepy.

(Note from Mr. Zhuang: This song and video are based off of Marilyn Manson's recurring nightmares. This should explain why it's pretty damn creepy)


Joe Reefer's Choice
Joe has led a terrifying life.


The Indisputable Champ
There is one man to turn to when it comes for the scares, and it's a guy that lives in a hollowed out former bank and drives a tank (at least that's what I hear). While "Windowlicker" has its own special kind of horror, I'm going with the video that has a demon shouting at me that he will eat my soul, and evil midgets terrorizing old ladies. Now that's fucking scary.


Well, enjoy your Halloween, everybody. And please, feel free to let us know what we missed in the comments.

Robert Goulet Will See You In Heaven, You Crazy Cat

We here at WDR are a big fans of the old style, as we often reminisce about our times growing up in the 50's, when times were good--no gays, no blacks, and no Jews, and that's how we liked it. Actually, that's a completely false statement, in every sense. But we are big fans of guys who can croon, and few could belt it out like the great Robert Goulet. Sadly, The Goulet died yesterday while awaiting a lung transplant, but at least he was in good spirits to the very end, as was his style. Goulet was not the kind of guy that would let disease get his bad self down.

We'll remember him for his smooth voice, his brilliant turn as the villain in Naked Gun 2 1/2, as Bart Simpson's showcase guest in his clubhouse, and his great basketball commercials (and possibly for being a spokesman for Emerald Nuts, though that's yet to be determined). Hell, The Goulets were the name of my fantasy teams for years. We'll remember you, kid.



Enjoy all the Cherry Pop-Tarts backstage as you want now, Goulet.

Joe Gets Festive... with Sexy Results

A Survey of the Event and Sport which is Halloween


October means a lot of things here in the great land of WDR. October means a change in the leaves, a nip in the air, a change in attire, and of course my incessant use of the pseudo-word "Rocktober." But, most importantly, October means one thing: People dressed up in even more ridiculous manners than they usually are. This wonderful month is a bastion of all the finer things in life. All the girls you know spend the entire month fanatically piecing together a monstrosity of cloth worth its weight in gold or malnourished children in any third-world country. All the guys you know spend the whole month acting too cool to dress up, or wishing their significants others weren't making them. All the girls you don't know find those fantastic costumes that would make their parents proud enough to finally let them move out of the house. And, of course, I once against embarrass myself with yet another poor costume choice.I don't know how this happens to me every year, but I suspect a Halloween curse. So, for your viewing enjoyment, I have compiled a brief history of my costumes representing some of the highlights of my now-infamous festastrophes.
The first of these selections is not really my fault. I decided I would ease into the embarrassment with a little issue of miscommunication. I put this little number together for a party a few of my friends were throwing during a brief stint back east. I don't exactly know how I misunderstood my invitation. However, despite my costume not being in the same military theme as my friends, I still managed to have the honky good time that I was promised. I suspect I may just not be as adept as deciphering the African-American slang as I previously believed. Also, I wasn't aware that saltines were such a prominent feature in Halloween parties, or that these parties normally featured pinatas. At least I wasn't the only one to have missed the latter of these, as the party's hosts completely forgot to buy a pinata and over the course of the evening I was mistaken for it over 12 times. It was a crazy night! I miss those guys...
Now that I think about it, this wasn't the first time my poor ebonics led to Halloween misfortune. My co-authors will of course remember the incident that was broadcast on our school's student news show.

Then there was the year I thought I could impress my high school sweetheart by acting like I was on one of the school sports teams. This plan may have worked better at a time other than Halloween, but it only occurred to me when I saw this snazzy uniform in a costume shop. I still can't believe that plan didn't work, she was constantly dating football players. I guess some people just don't respect the athleticism of track anymore. Shame on them.

... Now that I'm thinking about this costume, I realize that I haven't seen it when I've been in my attic to get down the ol' Halloween decorations. Also, it looks suspiciously like several of the characters in the movie House. Coincidence? I don't think so.


I would like to take a moment from the wave of humiliation I have brought upon myself to remind our audience that my co-authors are not without their own Halloween festastrophes.

We all remember Nic Ouzo's ill-fated Halloween decision that resulted in the loss of his girlfriend to... what looks like some guy who couldn't decide if he was dressing up as The Dude, House (from television's "House"), or some kind of balding Brad Pitt. I'm sorry for dredging up the bad memories, friend. There are other fish, just... don't dress up as a pelican, okay?

And of course, who could forget the city-wide disaster that erupted when Mr. Zhuang unveiled his costume to that poor group of unsuspecting... and possibly mentally handicapped... middle-aged men and women. Respect for the dead prevents me from going into this subject further. It's just too soon, I'm sorry.

Nic Ouzo can't escape a second mention in this section, as his rampant cultural promotion seems to know no end. I can't even tell you how many WDR events and social gathers (I'm sorry, your invitation must have gotten lost in the mail) his proselytizing has ruined. However, there is a fine line between cantankerous preaching and animal abuse that I believe was crossed that fateful Halloween of 1992. Everyone felt so sorry for Nic's poor dogs. I, for one, didn't know you could circumsize a dog, let alone teach it to perform the ceremony upon its pups. Well, the more you know, right?

I, of course, had to one-up Ouzo's flaunting of his animal training abilities. I still contend, as the age-old saying goes, that my dog could beat up his dog. (If anyone asks, Michael Vick said that, okay? [I'm being told this is no longer topical.])







Celebrities are not above the iron fist of Halloween's cruel mistress either. Sean Connery's silly attempt to gain popularity during the computer boom left his career in tatters, though this prominent internet reporter would like to say he appreciates Connery's nod to Commander Keen.

Even G-dub himself jumps in on the stupid costume bandwagon from time to time.



... Jesus that man is a jackass. God fucking damn it. What the fuck is wrong with you people? How has he been in office for this long? I hate you. I hate each and every one of you. Go home. Stop reading this. You don't deserve it. God fucking damn it.
Moving on...

I don't really know what's going on here, but one of these three must be in costume, right? Yeah.

There are of course the constant sources of costume disasters: nerds. Not nerds like I am... but yahknow... nerds like... other people... are.... Hey! Let's laugh at these people now!

Now, we've all been at that magic age where anything you do is retarded. But this guy prettymuch takes the cake. First off, he chose to dress up as Robin. Now, Robin could be kinda cool, but he picked one of the lame Robins from one of the animated Batman tv shows. So, not only did he choose to be second-banana, he also chose to be one of the crappiest incarnations of said banana.


This guy doesn't seem to know whether he's a Transformer or Spiderman. Other than that he's cool with me.



(Don't look directly into his eyes.)












WHOAH WHOAH WHOAH.
This just in. Apparently Robin up there got a girl??

WHAT THE FUCK, WOMEN? No, seriously. come on. How could this man get even feigned-for-photo action? This offends every lie I've told myself to explain why women don't like me or any of the seemingly eligible guys I know. If that kid gets the ladies? I don't know what to think anymore.
... I'll choose to believe that it's just his enormous, throbbing erection. You girls are so shallow. Honestly. Shame on you.

At this rate, Shaved Leg Man will have the ladies lining up.

Now that I think about it, I would pay to see someone dress up as Shaved Leg Man.

But, I digress. This post is about my Halloween embarrassments, and we're nearing the end. In fact, we're down to the wire. The following are my two biggest Halloween disasters. Enjoy.
Alright, now I know what you're thinking, "Joe, I love Alvin and the Chipmunks, where can I get this amazing costume and show off my raging erection as it was meant to be showcased?" I have only one response to this:

Anyway, I think I'm making some kind of 'secret agent holding a gun' sort of pose in this photo. I don't remember why. God, I was so high that night. How else could I have chosen that god awful green and yellow shirt? What was I thinking. Worst Halloween ever.



But now for the final act. This was less of an embarrassing costume, and more of a Halloween disaster in general. Most of my costumes have just led to mockery and ridicule from my peers, and a few racially motivated assaults, but this costume actually landed me in jail under suspicion of murder.
I guess, in retrospect, I can kinda see where they were coming from on that one.
Well that's all for now, folks. Have a happy Halloween. Don't make the same mistakes I have.


After all this, the only solace I can find is that at least I've never looked as dumb as this weirdo:

The College Football Fan's Dilemma: When Is It Okay To Root For Your Rivals

Or: Potentially Acceptable Uses of the Phrase "Go Auburn"

While Mr. Zhuang spent last weekend cheering for his Mighty Ducks of Oregon to defeat Broseph U (also known as the current residence of Joe Reefer (who did no cheering at all for his school)), I sat in my room for some quiet contemplation. With no specific rooting interest that weekend since LSU was taking some time off to get in nightclub fights over the weekend, I certainly had the time to think. So it was during that time that I puzzled over one of those eternal questions: who do I root for when a team that my team has beaten faces off against a team that has beaten my team? In other words, do I want my team's defeats to look more impressive, or their triumphs?

Of course, this is only a question because of the nonsensical lack of a playoff in BigTime College Football, so instead of proving everything out on the field, one must have to contend with impressing fallible human voters and cold heartless computers each week. And without spending a sizable chunk of change on hookers and blow and RAM chips, one must seek other ways to impress the voters. And arguments about strength-of-schedule seem to be the prime method of choice.



As for the question at hand, I suppose it's a matter of philosophy--do I want my accomplishments to speak for themselves, or be able to explain away my failures easily? Due to the premium put on losses in college football (with more than one pretty much guaranteeing an absence from championship contention), it would seem that the focus should be on the quality of the opponent in the losses. If your team battled hard against a great opponent, it looks much better than crapping the bed one week against Directional State U.

However, with a resume of a series of impressive victories, one could certainly argue that their team had performed admirably, and that their one loss to a mediocre team was a fluke. What we have is an aberration, not something around which one can build an argument. Say we take the inverse of the situation: your team loses one game to a quality opponent, but then all your victories seem less impressive as your quality opponent then proceeds to defeat your other opponents--you have victories over three- and four-loss teams over two- and three-loss teams as a result. What was once an impressive looking resume is now just a mediocre set of half-assed accomplishments.



So who do I root for? I'd still say you should root for the team you lost to, simply due to the scarcity of losses. Which means that the Kentucky Wildcats better get their act together and take care of some fuckin' business.

WDR: Special Live Blog Spectacular!

It's live, on location in Eugene!

I'm sitting outside the student union at the University of Oregon, and there is a long line of people waiting to get tickets to the Oregon v. Arizona State game.

Some might say, "People are camping out for football tickets? Isn't it cold outside?" Well, yes, it is cold outside. But it's only the hardcore that are camping out. We have movies and hot chocolate to keep us company, but still. One would think that with this many people out, no one takes classes here, but in fact most that are here do. For those at the front of the line (like myself) they won't be too late to class.

Why camp out for Arizona State? Because (1) they're ranked above us and (2) people are still pumped from beating USC. These factors have placed Arizona State as a game to be seen, as opposed to "Arizona State is playing? I think I'll do some dishes for four hours..." (this being the average response)

So shit is getting crazy, so I'll have to update later. It's time to watch Gladiator...

Congress Is Clearly The Last Refuge Of The Courageous

We brought you word of the Armenian Genocide and the campaign to get it recognized a few times on this blog, so it only makes sense that I bring you word of the inevitable conclusion that comes when you seek out the truth.

They're shelving the bill. Because you know, it's not a good time (just like it has been the past 30 years!).

It's always great to see the United States stand up to a country that is totally dependent on the US to advance its standing in the international arena, like its pending membership into the EU (we're totally cool with overlooking the fact that it illegally occupies an actual EU state, because we're awesome like that). So we'll kowtow to the state that has been building up forces on the Iraq border for months now, threatening to invade the one stable region in Iraq.



Good to see how the truth wins out in politics. I'll be glad to tell my kids about this.

Hump Day Helper -- Kids Are Creepy Edition

Because it's Wednesday, and we all need a pick-me-up to make it through the rest of the week in our respective hells, WDR is providing some fun.

It's almost time for Halloween (in fact, it's next week), so it's time we bust out the scary videos. This one isn't so much scary as it is just fucked up. It comes from warped, twisted genius of Spike Jonze, who realizes that kids doing grown-up things is terrifying in and of itself. Oh, and if you don't get pumped up by this song, please locate your nearest defibrillator.

You walk, walk, walk, walk, walk my winners out...

So You Find Yourself Visiting L.A. (Part III)

The Non-Broseph Sequel


Some of you may remember my initial reasoning for visiting what the depths of humanity hath wrought, while others may have no idea to what I'm referring. If you need a refresher, surely you can take the time to scroll down to the original post. For the rest of you who are too lazy to do that I'll sum it up in one word: employment. Not employment of just any sort--I wanted a job in the sexy sexy world of the music industry, in a vain attempt to be the one non-soulless bastard in the entire field, who actually gave a damn about what constitutes a good sound. Given the fact that I have a deep resume (especially considering my young age) and my boundless enthusiasm for the craft, I'd be a shoe-in.

Fuck no. That's not how the world works, you insolent little shit.

So I remain among the ranks of the unemployed, which allows me to spend more time doing incredibly important research. I only bring this up again to not only provide context, but because I was prompted by an email I just received. It was from MonsterTRAK, which I had signed up for back in the halcyon days of College (read: two years ago), when my future was filled with promise and that surely the right internship would set me on the fast-track to success and fulfillment. Of course, even after the work experience and improving my grades (ever so slightly), this would turn out not to be the case (as it is evident). This email inquired the eternal question: "Grad School or the Real World?"

Fuck that. I'm going to Tomorrowland.


1. KROQ exists only in our imagination, or is like some kind of Atlantis: That's because it has no location. Part of my grand strategy of getting a job was to visit various locations in person (from the Latin en persona), proving my absolute willingness to do whatever was necessary to get that job (which I guess would mean "be physically present"). However, for this strategy to be successful, one would need to know the location of one's target, and in the case of KROQ, there apparently is none. That's right, we couldn't find it on any map, and when GoogleMaps has a hard time finding something, you know you got some top-secret shit going down. Well, alright, GoogleMaps is one thing. But when I was in the approximate location of where KROQ should be located and I tried to use Directory Assistance (411, holla), I was told that they also did not have any record of any location. It's one thing to avoid the Internets, but when 411 can't locate your ass, that's a whole new level of insanity.

Clearly someone is trying to protect the safety of Jed The Fish, who has to be the target of thousands of assassination projects.

Note: Joe Reefer got the chance to enjoy part of the regular afternoon show of Jed the Fish, and it took him all of 20 seconds for him to determine that homicide would be legally justifiable in this case.


2. They don't give a shit where they place Hollywood stars on the Walk Of Fame: I believe Laurence Olivier's star is placed between one of the seven "smoke shops" and eight "titty bars" on Hollywood Blvd. Joe was of course more offended that John Lennon's star outside of Capitol Records was placed right next to Duran Duran's (the genius of "Hungry Like The Wolf" (and I say "Girls On Film" as well) notwithstanding).

3. The E! Network building smells like shit: And I can tell, even though it's part of a large office complex. This fucking delights me to no end.



4. Brosephs Continue To Walk The Streets: I believe that this needed to be asserted. Fathers, all of your daughters at USC will be the target of either a date-rape scenario (done entirely out of frustration from being unable to tell his brah about their true love) or will be witness to several Dane Cook knock-off jokes (which strangely won't be any worse than the genuine article). And PBR will be spilled, I guarantee it. I really just wanted to stress the fact that this exists (and will violate my sub-heading promise to do so).

5. Los Angeles is a weird amalgamation of Baton Rouge and Worcester: It has the flat and wide open space shitty-city quality of a Baton Rouge, with the "time has passed us and we're fucked" quality of the working-class Worcester. It's difficult to describe beyond that, but it's as close as one can get. And strangely, I wouldn't mind living there if things ever did work out (this maybe due to my incredible self-loathing--believe me, how much creative fuel would a nihilistic bastard like me have in that cesspool of humanity? Bret Easton Ellis would have nothing on me--Less than Zero would look like fuckin' It's A Small World After All in comparison.)

And that's your guide to the city. Well, at least a tiny part of it (the USC campus and the Hollywood/Beverly Hills area that's a 30 dollar cab ride away). I want to thank Joe once again for the use of his couch for the past week, and his roommate Ricky Ricardo (not his real name, nor his real nickname) for his tacit approval.



As an epilogue, I'd like to make a small note of the wildfires in the SoCal area. Whereas many areas have been affected, fortunately Joe has kept safe within the confines of Broseph U, with nary of even a notice of extra healthy carbon monoxide in the air. As he explained, "I can't discern any smoke in the air that stands out from the usual smog".

Clearly, that should be on either a postcard or a billboard as you enter the city.

Banana Bread?!? What The Hell Were You Thinking?!

This is quite an old article, actually, but it has caused quite a firestorm within the WDR community. It's because it cuts to the heart of our friendship, the way we engage with bananas.

For those of you who don't remember, our very namesake is a sexual maneuver (that we devised, since WE ARE THE INNOVATORS) that makes great use of a banana. And really, that's all we're allowed to disclose at this point: that the Wayne Diego involves a banana. This post should give you the general idea.



So what are we talking about, besides utilizing bananas for their non-God-intended purposes? It's peeling a banana like a goddamn monkey! Apparently, some are thumbing their nose at nature (and probably biting their thumb as well--oh my!), and eating their banana by peeling it from the bottom-up. Sheer lunacy! Of course, all this made me want to do is procure a banana as quickly as possible.

This was all before we learned that our own Mr. Zhuang has been eating his bananas this way for years. This peyote-smoking bastard has been thwarting convention for some time now. So now that this revelation has been made public, everyone who meets the Zhuang must now ask him about his banana-eating habits (and no, this is not a metaphor).

Dennis Dixon for Heisman?

And other questions.

First things first: I'm an Oregon fan. I don't think this is a secret at all, but I need to throw it out there. I'm a Duck. My mascot can beat up your mascot.

Still, it gets to me every time when I hear people saying "Dixon is definitely on my Heisman list."

OK, I am a bit biased here, but Dixon is a good QB. But is he Heisman good? Announcers talk about him like that every time he's having a good game. But when things go wrong (see the last two games against Cal) they really go wrong. Then they say "there's no way in hell that he can get a Heisman." Then next week: "Dixon is definitely in line for the Heisman."

OK, so most of the stuff announcers say is bullshit anyway, but come on; Dixon is good. I'd like to see him win the Heisman. But he probably won't because he's not consistent enough. When he's on, he's on and when he's off it's terrible. He's been pretty impressive so far this season, but he's got a lot more work to do if he's going to think about a Heisman.

Also, speaking of stupid announcers/commentators, what is the deal with FSN? They had some guy on last night that wasn't dumb - he was missing a chromosome. This guy said nothing of any merit. Here's the highlight:

(At Halftime) "You know what I really like to see? Points on the board!"

(After Oregon wins the the game)
Other Commentator: "So, what do you think about this game?"
Idiot: "Well, there were a LOT of points on the board!"

Enough about the points on the board! We've been watching the game, we know that there are points on the said board! Who are you? Why are you allowed on televison? Bah!



OK, rant over.

Mark May And The Infallible Logic Machine

I was watching Sportscenter yesterday, when I was presented with a case of either blinding illogic or just extremely poor research. Now, just for the record, I was only watching the travesty that is the current rendition of Sportscenter because I had left the TV on after Pardon the Interruption, my daily can't-miss show. I frame the incident in this context, because this is the kind of display that makes me dread watching the program.

In one of their manufactured-for-controversy segments, they had college football analysts Craig James and Mark May square off over a series of provoking questions, presumably in an attempt to justify their presence on the Disney company's payroll. The one question that caught my eye was "Does LSU deserve to be ranked higher than Kentucky?". And May's answer completely befuddled me.



It revolved around the generally sound principle of "if Team A beats Team B, therefore Team A must be better than Team B". On its face, this seems perfectly acceptable. Kentucky did in fact defeat LSU, and we'll ignore the fact that LSU had 3 defensive starters injured from questionably dirty play, that a phantom touchdown was awarded to Kentucky, and several dubious pass interference calls went Kentucky's way to aid them in their improbable comeback. We'll ignore that. The problem occurs when we follow this use of logic to its full end. So according to Mark May, we should have it ranked as follows:

Kentucky
LSU

Fine. Let's then take a look at who Kentucky lost to, which would be South Carolina. Continuing with the same logic, here's how they stack up:

South Carolina
Kentucky
LSU

Sounds good so far. But wait, South Carolina has one loss. To whom could that be? Oh yeah, that's right, the Gamecocks got destroyed by LSU. So it would then read:

LSU
South Carolina
Kentucky

The point is, we'd cycle back and forth indefinitely because of these particular results. In other words, either May either didn't follow his logic to its full conclusion, or was too lazy to actually look at the rest of the teams in question. And since we don't have three-dimensional polling (and ties are for pussies), let's instead give the benefit of the doubt to the team that was best described as "a giant purple gorilla with a chainsaw dick" (i.e., the LSU Tigers).



Of course this is all moot if LSU chokes against Auburn tomorrow. Then I will be dealing with my own personal set of problems.

So You Find Yourself Visiting L.A. (Part II)

More Tales From Broseph U

One would think that there would be a lot to talk about when you're in LA. And that certainly is true. But you're going to get more USC stories. Because that's how I roll, bitch.


1. My mere presence confuses and frightens the female of the species: Of course, this fact is not something that was previously unknown to me. All my life, I have had to deal with this condition (though, strangely enough, small children love me). But the reactions usually aren't as egregious as one instance that occurred a couple of days ago, where one lady decided that since Joe and I were heading in one direction at the crosswalk, that SHIT I HAVE TO GO THE OTHER WAY OR THOSE DUDES WILL RAPE ME. At least I got rid of my beard, which has decreased the thoughts in women 43% that I would rape them. So I have that going for me.


2. The panhandlers are unusually aggressive around here: Joe apparently hasn't learned the art of ignoring the panhandler, and has instead attempted dialogue with them once they inquire about the availability of change on his person. When Joe informs the decrepit vagrant that he is unable to provide the necessary monetary compensation that would be used to exchange for a hot dog, said vagrant turns combative and abusive. And then chase after the two of us. Joe needs to enroll in Hobo Manners 101 next term.

3. I was apparently misinformed about the intellectual capacity of the average USC student: Before, I had felt that though the population of USC was made up entirely of Brosephs and their potential (willing) date-rape victims, but I was willing to give them the benefit of the doubt when it came to their academic capacities. After all, I came from a school where The Popped Collar was not just a fashion choice, but a Way Of Life. But that changed once I saw the Trojan student in action--on Trojan Vision.



It's one thing for students to prove themselves retarded when they do a stupid game show. That's understandable. But when you have a show that is supposed to analyze current events, and it is staffed by mouth-breathers, you've got a problem. And that was the case for "Platforums" (brilliantly retarded title by the way), which presented a totally incompetent take on the controversy behind the Armenian Genocide, run by a moderator who had clearly not read the cue cards ahead of time. You had the token representative from the Turkish Student Group, who would parrot talking points lifted from any hyper-nationalistic source. It wouldn't be so bad if it seemed she had a grasp of the issues instead of merely memorizing specific phrases. To be fair, the Armenian student representative did not fare much better. Then you had Broseph With Tie who was content to ask such pointed observations as "What?" and "Dude, that was a long time ago". However, all spite should be held for the fourth member of the panel, which all too willingly took the position of Ignorant Jerkass American. She was clearly concerned that all this talk of genocide from eighty years ago was taking time away from her figuring out how to bed that second-string linebacker.



In other words, it was a proud moment for this degree-granting institution. What proceeded was a 15 minute trainwreck of a discussion, in which all the principals proved that they had little-to-no understanding of the subject, beyond a cursory look at a few CNN.com headlines. Fuck, they could have just taken a minute to read this retarded site right here and they would have been better informed.

And now if you excuse me, I have more hobos to avoid.

Hump Day Helper -- Don't Fuck Around With Wild Turkey Edition

Because it's Wednesday, and we all need a pick-me-up to make it through the rest of the week in our respective hells, WDR is providing some fun.

I had to think of a good "consequences of drinking song", and in my current state, this is the best thing I can come up with.

Cold turkey's getting stale, tonight I'm eating crow...

The New Sports Sweeping the Nation!

And by that I mean I haven't heard of it before and people are doing it.

It would appear that the playingfield of the mind is bringing us new ideas for revolutionary sports. Why, just a post or two ago, our own Joe Reefer wrote a column about his invented sport, Futball. Also, a few years ago Hunter S. Thompson and Bill Murray spoke about the new sport known only as Shotgun Golf.

These new sports are hybrids of other sports, and this next sport is no different. It's Underwater Hockey. It's essentially like hockey, except people wear swim gear and probably have MORE of a chance of killing themselves in the process of the game. Or so I would assume.

Whyin Oregon? Why the hell not?! Besides, around here we have a lot of water, and it almost never gets cold enough to freeze (and as such, playing hockey doesn't really happen around here). And who uses the public pools in the winter? Nobody! (I don't actually know this for a fact; I just know that I don't).

Unlike these other two sports, I don't know who invented it or why they were particularly intrigued with the idea. Still, it's worth mentioning. You may think I'm crazy now, but just wait until your little kid goes off to play Underwater Hockey during basketball season and Shotgun Golf in the summer.

Holy shit! It seems that in the minor amount of research I've done, I've found that this is not, in fact, a new sport. Apparently it's been around since the 1950s (I got this info from Wikipedia, so I KNOW it's true!). Still, this is pretty strange.

So You Find Yourself Visiting L.A.

The USC is "Broseph U" edition

As has been mentioned numerous times before, I am currently unemployed. However, unlike goddamn hippies, I am actively attempting to rectify the situation instead of spouting platitudes about "not working for my car" and "Simplify, Maaaaan!". And because I long to work in a city in which I'd be terrified to move anywhere. Movement, like fresh air and the Ohio State Buckeyes, is overrated. So I find myself in LA, whoring myself out to get a cool job. Because non-cool jobs are not worthy of my time.

And because Joe is lonely (and needs protection from his babies' mommas).


1. "Everyone is either a total nerd or a coke addict": I doubted Joe's initial description of his new school, but upon my arrival my Douchemeter promptly took a shit and died due to the overwhelming sense of "douche" in the air. My initial reactions were confirmed again and again as I walked around the campus, taking in the aura of supreme "brah" that exudes from everyone. Think of your stereotypical frat brother who wears an anklet and will totally listen to Jack Johnson with you, and you will get an idea of the average USC student.

Everyone is a Broseph.


2. The colors of maroon and gold have never looked so obnoxious: I was warned to be prepared for the overwhelming sense of school spirit that I would encounter. I would find myself in a sea of School-Sponsored Clothing. I didn't think it would be a big deal, considering that my own school had its fair share of school pride--everyone had at least a few pieces of Dartmouth clothing in their wardrobe--but once again, the advice was quite necessary. And I realized why Joe and his roommate had found it so obnoxious. It's because everyone's clothing appears to be brand new or only recently-purchased. They don't grow up wanting to go to the school, and appear to only show their support as a fad. They seem to never wash their previous clothes, and only buy another shirt to replace a dirty one.

That, and the combination of maroon and gold is awful (especially when combined with black).


3. Women are insane: Overheard at a USC-area restaurant: "One day, I want to get in a room with all my girlfriends, and we'll all just take some roofies and see what happens!"

I love LA

We're An International Sensation!

And it's all thanks to YOU!

Yes, it's true. Having gotten pretty bored today, I decided to check out where the hits for our humble site have been coming from. Now, I know of at least one reader outside of the country, but I was amazed to see that we have branched out not only to Europe, but also to Asia and Australia. We can only take a moment to thank our readers out there. I mean YOU! Wait, not you, YOU.

This is really great and everything, but it got me thinking: What about the rest of the world? How can we get people from South America and Africa to visit our website?

Then it came to me: I realized that I don't actually care. They will figure it out soon enough. But you know who we should try to draw to our website? ANTARCTICA!

Some of you might be thinking "Antarctica? Who the fuck lives there?" Well, not very many people. But that doesn't mean they wouldn't enjoy some drinking humor and goofy in jokes. I mean, it's cold down there...

And let's not forget that while there aren't very many people living in Antarctica, there are a lot of penguins. As anyone familiar with WDR knows, we are fans of these birds that cannot fly.

So there is only one solution: We must send computers to Antarctica for the penguins to use. It is the only way. It will be awesome, but not "Awesome Jawsome" as the Street Sharks would say.