Nic Ouzo's Wild European Adventure: Exploring Dutch Television

Some wise scholar once said that the best way to get a view of another culture is to view what they watch on television. Actually, I'm pretty sure no one actually said this, and I really didn't feel like writing a decent opening for this post. No matter, the stage is set--we're talking about Dutch television today.


Surprisingly enough, there is plenty of English-language programming available on Dutch television. I don't think that the apartments I've been had any fancy-pants cable systems (they each had around 25 channels), but at any given moment I could probably find something in English worth watching (even if it was CNNInternational or BBCNews). But that's because I've been conditioned from years of going to Greece, and finding the only English programming to be one terrible old forgotten movie; it was either that, or watch futbol, and soccer won every time (though in the past few years, English programming has increased). In Holland, I'm able to get a whole range of television shows; I remember a couple of nights when I was first settling in, I would just plop on the couch after a long day of work and not move for three or four hours, and only then realizing I had to get dinner, and only then realizing the only goddamn thing that's open in the city past 9 pm is basically McDonald's.

I've also enjoyed the act that each night there are at least 4 different movie choices I can watch. They range from the great (Quiz Show (subject of a future WDR column), Jurassic Park, Heat) to the "why the fuck not, I've got time to kill" (Sum of All Fears, The Arrival), to the "good thing this is what American culture is exporting these days (Let's Go To Prison!, 2001: A Space Travesty). And considering I spent about 5 weeks without television, since I was afraid of bothering my landlord (the TV was in the den, two floors below my living quarters), who knows what I missed out on.


Another thing to note about television here is that Comedy Central plays pretty much every comedy show that's in syndication in the states these days, plus tossing in a random few others (I just now got acquainted with the surprisingly decent family-humor of "The Tracy Morgan Show")(that, and they split time with a Dutch-dubbed version of a Nickelodeon/Disney hybrid). So each night they'll have the Simpsons, Scrubs, South Park, Frasier, and Becker among other things. A big difference between American and Dutch TV is the amount of commercials and their placement. Whereas these days in the US each half-hour sitcom has at least 3 commercial breaks, all of the shows here just have one mildly long break in the middle of the show. This allows a quick-strike schedule of 25 minutes per show, but wreaks havoc on trying to figure out what time a favorite is on (is It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia on at 10:40 or 10:55?). However, I've been bombarded by ads for Entourage during every break on Comedy Central, which tends to get slightly annoying even though I get to see Holly Valance's cute face every 20 or so minutes.



Another thing that's worth a mention is the fact that there are not one, not two, but three music video stations. Granted one of them is still MTV, but at least MTVDutchland attempts to play videos sometimes (though usually later at night). Hell, I even saw a couple of rock videos. But in looking at a view of Dutch music television as a whole, it appears that the Dutch are really into Flo Rida and Lady GaGa, as well as this Norwegian rap song. Take that any way you want it.

But when it gets dark outside, Dutch TV goes fucking crazy. After midnight, at any moment, you'll find 6 or so channels advertising what I called "sex-texts" each night. Now, that was a bit of a misnomer--it's not just dirty talk, it's filmed movies and dirty pictures that are sent to your phone through SMS (the term "SMS" is big in Europe, though I imagine most in the US would not have any idea what I'm talking aboot, eh?). And to answer your question, indeed everything pretty much gets shown in these advertisements. All tastes are represented (which you'll find to be the case when you visit the Amsterdam Red Light District [shivers]), and I mean all of them. The all-time best ad is for one service whose big draw seems to be a masked naked woman who, um, has two pieces of toast on her ass. I had no words for it, but when pressed for a response, Dr. Von Bookman mentioned something about how "maybe they want you to put your 'manjam' on it". Indeed, Doctor.

Oh, and these commercials have taught me one of the few Dutch words I know--apparently "Enorme" is exactly what you'd think it means.

Attention Radio Programmers

There is nothing "Awesome" about the 80's.

Absolutely nothing.

At least from anything that you would actually play in your "Awesome 80's" weekend. You're not playing The Replacements, or Jesus and Mary Chain, or early Pixies or late Joy Division.

So, never use those two concepts in the same sentence ever again.

I mean, do you fucking remember the 80's? And no, cocaine nightmares don't count.



Signed,

Concerned Listeners of America

The "M" Stands For "Moronic"

You may remember a post from way back when in which we informed you that MTV was trying to figure out what the "M" actually stood for in their name. While we never got word about what actually happened during what was sure to have been A Great Meeting of Minds, I can tell you one thing about MTV's identity crisis--the "M" sure as hell doesn't stand for music any more.

Of course, this isn't exactly new info. MTV's downward spiral has been apparent for years to anyone that cared, long before things like "My Super Sweet 16" and "The Hills" managed to depress any American with a sense of morals. But it is in this author's humble opinion that MTV has just reached a new low.

They're doing Spongebob Squarepants reruns now.



Not content to have at least one channel play reruns all day, Viacom has now decided to bestow upon its MTV channel the privilege of airing this show on a nightly basis. This absolutely bongtarded show, in the truest sense of the word. And MTV is playing up this angle, airing ads for this stating that "This is your brain on Spongebob" in a heavy monotone drug-induced voice that is familiar to any viewer of early '90s anti-drug PSA's.

I remember a time when even though MTV didn't play music videos, they'd at least make creative attempts with things like their own animated shows. "Beavis and Butthead" and "Daria" are classics, and I'm sure other people had their favorites. But now, all we get is goddamn Spongebob. Thanks MTV, we really appreciate the effort.

The TUBE, We Hardly Knew Ye

Last night, I learned of a terrible traveshamockery. No, not the brutal crackdown in Myanmar--that's an actual tragedy, made worse only by the fact that we ignored it for over a decade, and we'll probably forget about in a couple of weeks (seriously, shouldn't the fact that Rambo saw genocide be reported?!). No, today I mourn the loss of a television channel. A channel that the vast majority of people either did not receive or had no idea that they in fact had. And that was probably a good reason why the channel failed.


That channel was called The TUBE. What the hell was The TUBE? Well, it had the crazy idea that a channel that broadcasts only music videos could survive. I mean, what kind of audience existed for that, besides the millions of people that were pissed off with the continual downward spiral of the Television Channel Formerly Known As Music Television. I had sung the praises of this channel months earlier, and would continue to be a patron of its services over the ensuing months. This was especially true in the summer, where I stayed in a house that lacked cable, but somehow received this channel. So it was a great shock when I was flipping through the channels last night, and found out it no longer exists.

Thinking back, I should've realized that all the signs were there. For one, the commercials mainly consisted of Billy Mays pitching a carwash soap or some sort of hi-tech mop, or one for some annoying toy helicopter that was somehow amazingly expensive. These are not the kind of sponsors with which you can support a solid businessplan. That, and its total lack of advertising in other mediums (or on other channels) probably doomed it to a small audience.


So, despite the channel's numerous failings (like its rotation that was 40% David Grey and Genesis videos, plus the hard-on that the channel had for every Beatle's solo project), I carry a heavy heart over the death of this channel. But rest assured, the message that flashes across the now blank screen assures me that something will replace the channel soon! Because, you know I was worried that Channel 303 would be empty, and that I would randomly type it into my remote and be disappointed only to see nothing. I am very comforted by this.

Things That Need To End Immediately

Though I am not an old man, I am a crotchety bastard. In other words, things piss me off. What follows is a short list of things that are currently irritating the fuck out of me.

1. Furniture Stores using Funk Songs with new lyrics This is currently the bane of my existence. The worst offender is a commercial for Wicke's Furniture Warehouse that uses a remade version of The Commodores' "Brick House". You can imagine what the lyrical substitution is (hint: it's not using 'brick', but instead the name of the furniture establishment!). Another commercial that is nearly as annoying is one with a version of "Superfreak". It's so awful that I don't even feel like dispensing with the usual Rick James joke. Yes, we saw Little Miss Sunshine, we get it! Moving on...


2. 5 am If you're awake at 3 am, that just means it's a good party. If it's 4 am, at least you're probably going home, and you still have some time for some decent sleep. If it's 5 am and you're awake, you're actually waking up because you have some shit you can't afford to avoid. I found myself in this position last Saturday (taking the folks to the airport). From now on, I move to banish 5 am.


3. Things labeled "Bakery Fresh" that are not either fresh or come from a bakery Allow me to channel my inner-Linda Richman for just a moment. I enjoy Wheat Thins quite a bit. Yes, I understand the irony of the fat guy enjoying a product with "Thins" in the title; yes I realize that eating more of these will not in fact solve my weight problem. I recently purchased a box, and there was a seal across the top that read "BAKERY FRESH!". Now I asked myself, what was the last time you went to the bakery and ordered a fresh set of Wheated Thins? And that doesn't even get into the "freshness" part of the deal.

That being said, tomorrow night is Tuesday night, which means on thing for my dinner meal: Wheat Thins and Scotch. This week's selection: Chivas Regal, aged 18 years. I'm feeling fancy!


4. Justin Timberlake's attempts to make me like him First, from his appearances on SNL, he seems like a generally funny guy. But this past weekend, he did something that is very much appreciated in these quarters. When accepting various tin Moonmen at the VMA's, he pleaded for MTV to "play more videos!" Not just once, but twice. This was the greatest bitchslap that MTV had received since Jack Black said something similar at the last VMA's.

But then again, the motherfucker was in 'NSync. It's going to take years of service to work off THAT debt to society.

MTV--GET OFF THE AIR!!!

In a move that has been about a decade in the making, MTV has finally realized that it has an identity crisis. The rumor is that there will be a meeting to decide what the hell the "M" in MTV is actually for. Insert your own snarky comment at will.


This has been a point of contention with me for years. I am fine with MTV as it is existing as a channel, if only they decided to rename the channel to what it truly is: The Rich Dumbass Hot Teens Fucking Channel (though it may be slightly modified to make it less unwieldy--perhaps the "rich" is unnecessary). MTV of course is not alone in its metamorphosis from its original mission--there is no more egregious example of this than The Learning Channel, which has become just "Remodel My Leavittown Home" and "I Had a 300 Lb. Face Tumor" on constant loop. But it's time for MTV to own up to the fact that they've moved so far beyond its original purpose that the only place you'll find music is in the background as Rich Teen 1 contemplates for a few seconds whether or not to bonk Rich Teen 2.


Unlike WDR faves the Dead Kennedys, we are not against MTV on principle. We appreciate the attempts to introduce several artists into the mainstream--I remember 1996-1997 being an especially rich time for the original channel, and when MTV2 took the place of the original as the go-to-place for actual music, I came to be a fan of such bands as ...And You Will Know Us By The Trail Of Dead and Bloc Party. But they crapped out on their original mission, and it's high time that they come to terms with this.

We just hope that MTV resolves its identity crisis, one way or the other. If it fails to do so, I think we have no choice but to sue Viacom for false advertising. That, and for introducing Fall Out Boy to the world. These are crimes worthy of prosecution.