A Survey of the Event and Sport which is Halloween
October means a lot of things here in the great land of WDR. October means a change in the leaves, a nip in the air, a change in attire, and of course my incessant use of the pseudo-word "Rocktober." But, most importantly, October means one thing: People dressed up in even more ridiculous manners than they usually are. This wonderful month is a bastion of all the finer things in life. All the girls you know spend the entire month fanatically piecing together a monstrosity of cloth worth its weight in gold or malnourished children in any third-world country. All the guys you know spend the whole month acting too cool to dress up, or wishing their significants others weren't making them. All the girls you don't know find those fantastic costumes that would make their parents proud enough to finally let them move out of the house. And, of course, I once against embarrass myself with yet another poor costume choice.
I don't know how this happens to me every year, but I suspect a Halloween curse. So, for your viewing enjoyment, I have compiled a brief history of my costumes representing some of the highlights of my now-infamous festastrophes.
The first of these selections is not really my fault. I decided I would ease into the embarrassment with a little issue of miscommunication. I put this little number together for a party a few of my friends were throwing during a brief stint back east. I don't exactly know how I misunderstood my invitation. However, despite my costume not being in the same military theme as my friends, I still managed to have the honky good time that I was promised. I suspect I may just not be as adept as deciphering the African-American slang as I previously believed. Also, I wasn't aware that saltines were such a prominent feature in Halloween parties, or that these parties normally featured pinatas. At least I wasn't the only one to have missed the latter of these, as the party's hosts completely forgot to buy a pinata and over the course of the evening I was mistaken for it over 12 times. It was a crazy night! I miss those guys...
Now that I think about it, this wasn't the first time my poor ebonics led to Halloween misfortune. My co-authors will of course remember the incident that was broadcast on our school's student news show.
Then there was the year I thought I could impress my high school sweetheart by acting like I was on one of the school sports teams. This plan may have worked better at a time other than Halloween, but it only occurred to me when I saw this snazzy uniform in a costume shop. I still can't believe that plan didn't work, she was constantly dating football players. I guess some people just don't respect the athleticism of track anymore. Shame on them.
... Now that I'm thinking about this costume, I realize that I haven't seen it when I've been in my attic to get down the ol' Halloween decorations. Also, it looks suspiciously like several of the characters in the movie
House. Coincidence? I don't think so.
I would like to take a moment from the wave of humiliation I have brought upon myself to remind our audience that my co-authors are not without their own Halloween festastrophes.
We all remember Nic Ouzo's ill-fated Halloween decision that resulted in the loss of his girlfriend to... what looks like some guy who couldn't decide if he was dressing up as The Dude, House (from television's "House"), or some kind of balding Brad Pitt. I'm sorry for dredging up the bad memories, friend. There are other fish, just... don't dress up as a pelican, okay?
And of course, who could forget the city-wide disaster that erupted when Mr. Zhuang unveiled his costume to that poor group of unsuspecting... and possibly mentally handicapped... middle-aged
men and women. Respect for the dead prevents me from going into this subject further. It's just too soon, I'm sorry.
Nic Ouzo can't escape a second mention in this section, as his rampant cultural promotion seems to know no end. I can't even tell you how many WDR events and social gathers (I'm sorry, your invitation must have gotten lost in the mail) his proselytizing has ruined. However, there is a fine line between cantankerous preaching and animal abuse that I believe was crossed that fateful Halloween of 1992. Everyone felt so sorry for Nic's poor dogs. I, for one, didn't know you
could circumsize a dog, let alone teach it to perform the ceremony upon its pups. Well, the more you know, right?
I, of course, had to one-up Ouzo's flaunting of his animal training abilities. I still contend, as the age-old saying goes, that my dog could beat up his dog. (If anyone asks, Michael Vick said that, okay? [I'm being told this is no longer topical.])
Celebrities are not above the iron fist of Halloween's cruel mistress either. Sean Connery's silly attempt to gain popularity during the computer boom left his career in tatters, though this prominent internet reporter would like to say he appreciates Connery's nod to Commander Keen.
Even G-dub himself jumps in on the stupid costume bandwagon from time to time.
... Jesus that man is a jackass. God fucking damn it. What the fuck is wrong with you people? How has he been in office for this long? I hate you. I hate each and every one of you. Go home. Stop reading this. You don't deserve it. God fucking damn it.
Moving on...
I don't really know what's going on here, but one of these three must be in costume, right? Yeah.
There are of course the constant sources of costume disasters: nerds. Not nerds like I am... but yahknow... nerds like... other people... are.... Hey! Let's laugh at these people now!
Now, we've all been at that magic age where anything you do is retarded. But this guy prettymuch takes the cake. First off, he chose to dress up as Robin. Now, Robin could be kinda cool, but he picked one of the lame Robins from one of the animated Batman tv shows. So, not only did he choose to be second-banana, he also chose to be one of the crappiest incarnations of said banana.
This guy doesn't seem to know whether he's a Transformer or Spiderman. Other than that he's cool with me.
(Don't look directly into his eyes.)
WHOAH WHOAH WHOAH.
This just in. Apparently Robin up there got a girl??
WHAT THE FUCK, WOMEN? No, seriously. come on. How could this man get even feigned-for-photo action? This offends every lie I've told myself to explain why women don't like me or any of the seemingly eligible guys I know. If that kid gets the ladies? I don't know what to think anymore.
... I'll choose to believe that it's just his
enormous,
throbbing erection. You girls are so shallow. Honestly. Shame on you.
At this rate, Shaved Leg Man will have the ladies lining up.
Now that I think about it, I would pay to see someone dress up as Shaved Leg Man.
But, I digress. This post is about my Halloween embarrassments, and we're nearing the end. In fact, we're down to the wire. The following are my two biggest Halloween disasters. Enjoy.
Alright, now I know what you're thinking, "Joe, I love Alvin and the Chipmunks, where can I get this amazing costume and show off my raging erection as it was meant to be showcased?" I have only one response to this:
Anyway, I think I'm making some kind of 'secret agent holding a gun' sort of pose in this photo. I don't remember why. God, I was so high that night. How else could I have chosen that god awful green and yellow shirt? What was I thinking. Worst Halloween ever.
But now for the final act. This was less of an embarrassing costume, and more of a Halloween disaster in general. Most of my costumes have just led to mockery and ridicule from my peers, and a few racially motivated assaults, but this costume actually landed me in jail under suspicion of murder.
I guess, in retrospect, I can kinda see where they were coming from on that one.
Well that's all for now, folks. Have a
happy Halloween. Don't make the same mistakes I have.
After all this, the only solace I can find is that at least I've never looked as dumb as this weirdo:
