List-O-Mania!

This past year saw not only your usual end-of-the-year countdowns, which we're totally cool with, but also your end-of-the-decade lists, which we're also totally cool with. RollingStone had their Best Albums and Best Singes of the Decade lists, and the AVClub had a month devoted to Decade's Best compendiums. You may ask yourself, "Where are WDR's lists?" Well, they're not here right now, but we have a great explanation: we can count. That's because decades start with the year "1", dumbasses.



HOWEVA, that doesn't mean we aren't going to do any lists; no, we're actually going to be doing three huge lists throughout the year. In addition to doing a rundown of what was worthwhile in 2009 (expect that some time in March), we're going to be doing Best Albums of the '80s, '90s, and '00s. What's the breakdown for the list? Glad you asked:

End of February, we'll give you a list of the Best 50 Albums of the '80s. Why only 50? Because the '80s blew, that's why

End of August, we'll give you the Best 100 Albums of the '90s. The toughest part will be how I justify putting six Pearl Jam albums on that list.

And at the end of December, and maybe into January we'll do the Best 100 Albums of the '00s. I've already got a number one in mind, but that list is sure to undergo several revisions before we post it.

I also want to mention that each member of WDR is going to have their own list, and each member is going to go off for as long as they want on each album. If I just want to say one sentence about License to Ill, that's fine; if I end up writing a thesis on The Decline of British Sea Power, well that's just more reading for you to skip over. No rules. In addition, random other lists will make appearances, including "Best Artists Absent from the List", etc. etc. It's going to be good times.


And since the year 2000 goes back to the '90s, we're going to have some interesting decisions to make, and our lists will look a lot different than you're used to--I mean, we're going to have Kid A competing with OK Computer. And don't think we're going to skip out on 2010 in our best of this decade list--just look at the 2000 albums that are going to make the '90s list: Relationship of Command, Moon and Antarctica, and R, among others. Plus, 2010's shaping up to be a great year--we're looking forward to new albums from The National, Black Rebel Motorcycle Club, New Pornographers, and The Thermals among others. Just this week we saw the release of the latest great album from Spoon, which means we'll probably be seeing 5 albums from them on the top 100.

Get ready to waste your time.

WDR Attempts To Conquer All Media

We here at WDR are at a crossroads*. If you look at our output over the course of our three year existence, you'll notice a downward trend in the number of our posts. We've provided a helpful graph so you can better understand.



Now you may assume that there has been an increase in the quality of our posts, since we have to pack all our good...shit into fewer posts. This would be an incredibly stupid assumption--the only reason our posts are limited are because we've become even fatter and lazier than we already were. Seriously, I can't even comprehend why you would even think that, even if you had the best of intentions. Any particular article that you may have liked better from our recent output is just pure dumb luck. Frankly, you make me sick**.

Now we could be like most of Corporate America and blame our decrease in productivity on the economy. This has been what our parent company, Generica, has been pushing. But that would be a damn lie, and we have never used this space to lie to you, the reader***. And actually, we had several posts that were ready for print, but our intern Rasheed lost them at some point. Our new intern, Ho Tran, will be doing some work to help recover those posts, and hopefully they'll be published at some point, but I wouldn't hold my breath (Ho Tran makes Rasheed look like a goddamn genius).

Instead, we've decided to come through with one of our trademark empty promises. We're going to post more this year. It's not like my grades are going to go down any more if I spend more time writing. So at least you'll have more stuff from the Ouzo man. Zhuang-o will do his usual work, so no big change there. And we've currently hired a bounty hunter to track down Joe Reefer, and given said bounty hunter free reign to do what he can to convince Joe to once again write.

Meanwhile, in an attempt at overcompensation, WDR is expanding into a new medium! That's right, we can't even maintain a presence in one, but fuck it, let's try something else! Generica was telling us all about "social media" and to tell you the truth, we were a little drunk at that staff meeting, but they created a Twitter account for the site! Twitter really is bullshit, but hey, if you want WDR's quick take on something, just check it out--of course, we only have one tweet up there now, but the point is WE HAVE THE CAPABILITY TO DO SO MUCH MORE. So follow us at twitter.com/thewaynediego, because some asshole took the name "WayneDiego". And hey, each of us has our own twitter page as well (@NicOuzo, @manadajigity, and @djcozmik). Do with that information what you will; if that response is to spam the hell out of us, why not.



*Though only of the metaphorical variety. As far as we know, the internet is not a literal superhighway, but only one of those informational kinds of superhighways

**But I make music.

***Except for the many times that we have lied to you. I don't know what to tell you, but you did sign those release forms, so haha, nothing you can do.

WDR: Back in Action!

Or: More empty promises

So the last time there was a post on this thing I went on about how there would be new posts and all that and then, well, didn't follow-up on that in a very timely manner. But there is good reason for this. Here's a brief overview:

-Joe just went through an epic move from living in a cubical (not his) to living at a local Del Taco. I think we can safely assume where Joe will be going for any late-night food.

-Nic is in Europe. Who knows what he's up to there. I can only assume that the summary will be something like that one scene from Rules of Attraction. You know what I'm talking about. Keep an eye out for any note from Nic about this.

-I've been in California enjoying blue skies, sunny weather, sandy beaches and HOLY FUCK WHY IS THERE ALL OF THIS SEWAGE EVERYWHERE?! YOU CALL THIS A RIVER?! Oh, sorry. But it was too expensive for me down there (except for the grocery store booze) so I had to come back.



Oh, and we're all lazy. Like I really needed to mention that.

So there you go. Joe promised to post something in the near future for your entertainment. I'm sure the sensation that comes with it will resemble the opening of the ark in Raiders of the Lost Ark. And by that I mean your face will melt off. But this will probably be a good thing.

So, is that enough of an update? Well, I sure hope so because it's hot as hell out now and I'm not drunk.

WDR Reviews 2008 in Music: Part 1

I mentioned in a Hump Day Helper way back when that 2008 was kind of a shit year in music, at least by the halfway mark. My stance has softened considerably since then; while not nearly as awesome as say last year or 2005, 2008 wasn't a total disappointment. It was a pretty solid year, with a lot of decent records--just not anything transcendent. Which is ok--sometimes you want to hit for average, not power.

That being said, I decided that it was time to roll out my 2008 ratings. Why in February, especially since I already wrote out the majority of this in December? I think this tag explains it, but I think the public answer we're going to give is that it's apparently sweeps week.

We're going to get into the top 10 albums and top live shows later on in the week, but today we're doing the left-over albums, and various cool songs from this past year.

Honorable Mention
Coldplay - “Viva La Vida”. Whatever, I like these guys, even though “X&Y” showed total creative bankruptcy. At least Eno apparently got them back making music that’s interesting at the very least. So I wasn't entirely disappointed that this got a lot of Grammy nominations.

TV on the Radio - “Dear Science”. Everybody else is throwing up praise for this one, but I hated it the first time I listened to it–-I hated the flow, and some of the songs just seemed plain awful. But I’ve listened to it a few more times, and it's grown on me. However, I still say “desperate youth, bloodthirsty babes” is their high point.

Eagles of Death Metal - “Heart On”. I love these guys, and the schtick hasn’t worn thin yet. I've only given it a few listens, but it's just such a good time that it has to be recognized.

Dr. Dog - “Fate”. While I'm not a big fan of the Beatles (as Joe would angrily attest), I love it when bands do lo-fi approximations. (See also: Olivia Tremor Control)

Atmosphere - "When Life Gives You Lemons, You Paint that Shit Gold". This would have made the list on the title alone, but hell, the rapping is good as well.

Disappointments
My Morning Jacket - “Evil Urges”. Granted, it’s a fun album, and I’ll throw it on pretty regularly. But it just doesn’t measure up to their previous work and their recent trajectory. I thought this would be their big breakthrough, and would justify to the masses why I felt this band was so great, and it just wasn’t the case. Instead, I’ll have to continue converting people with my private screenings of “Okonokos”.

The other great disappointment? With all the mentions of Sarah Palin and her supposed sexy-librarian looks, nobody quoted the song “Librarian” from this album.

Wolf Parade - “At Mount Zoomer”. You can’t match the brilliance of “Apologies to the Queen Mary”, so it’s no fault to these guys. The songs are all very good, but they just lack the same spark that they had on their debut that would bring me an element of joy, no matter how depressing the lyrics were.

Bloc Party - “Intimacy”. It’s not bad at all, but the album definitely sounds rushed. If they spent a bit more time on this, it would be a better album. There's too much schizophrenia in determining what their sound was going to be--"Mercury" and "Ares" mark an interesting new direction, and "Halo" would sound at home on Silent Alarm, but in the end it just kind of runs together. That being said, the CD release added some good songs to the early-download-only title.

Nine Inch Nails - “Ghosts”. When I hear “Nine Inch Nails” and “instrumentals”, I think of the brilliance of “A Warm Place” and “Just Like You Imagined”, which truly stand alone as pieces by themselves. Instead, I got a soundtrack to a movie I don’t particularly want to see. “The Slip” was a good followup though.

The Verve - “Forth”. It’s good to see these guys back together, but it’s clear these guys lost something.

The Mars Volta - "The Bedlam In Goliath". I almost forgot this album came out this year. For the record, TMV should avoid taking cocaine before recording sessions--78 minutes of all-out spastic attacks is just too much. Though I am intrigued about a potential acoustic follow-up.

Secret Machines - “Secret Machines”. B-o-r-i-n-g.

Top songs (in no order)
Kings of Leon - “Sex on Fire”
Flobots - “Handlebars”
Wolf Parade - “Kissing the Beehive”
TV on the Radio - “Family Tree”
Apples in Stereo - "Stephen Stephen"
Coldplay - "Viva La Vida"
Sigur Rós - “Festival”
Gnarls Barkley - “Going On”
Los Campesinos! - “Death to Los Campesinos!”
Ra Ra Riot - "Ghost Under Rocks"
One Day As A Lion - "One Day As A Lion"
Tokyo Police Club - “Your English is Good”
My Morning Jacket - “Touch Me I’m Going to Scream, pt. 2″
Beck - “Profanity Prayers”
The Last Shadow Puppets - "The Age of the Understatement"
Vampire Weekend - “The Kids Don’t Stand a Chance”
The Raconteurs - “Salute Your Solution”
British Sea Power - “Atom”
The Black Keys - “Things Ain’t Like They Used to Be”
The Walkmen - “In the New Year”

Hump Day Helper -- Unnecessary Edition

You saw the news from yesterday. There's no need to pick up your spirits for the rest of your week.

Welcome to New Yawk

It's a new change of scenery for your humble author. I am now in the middle of the most vibrant city on the planet, and in case I didn't know that, there are twenty people on the street that will shout this fact to my face. And while law school will be keeping me busy (well, it should, we'll see if that turns out to be the case), rest assured I will pop in from time to time. Not like it'll be a change of pace from the last few months...

So what's my take on New York? I'll provide a long, rambling rant that might make you chuckle once soon enough, but, like many things, it can be best described through the eyes of "The Critic":

Youtube Treats -- Patriotic, slam, fight, bright light, feeling pretty psyched Edition

Like any good patriot, we're all still (ahem) hungover from partying during Independence Day. Actually, that's a lie. We're just celebrating another American virtue--laziness. So we're just going to pop in a video before we get back from our "vacation" to writing actual columns.

And sure, we could have used a song with maybe a better connection to the holiday, or at least more obvious--like Soundgarden's "4th of July" and Elliott Smith's "Independence Day"--but where's the fun in that? Instead, I'll indulge in the slight Better Than Ezra kick I've been on, and play a Golden Oldie from the halcyon 90's.

Well maybe I'll call or write you a letter
Now maybe we'll see on the Fourth of July
But I'm not too sure
And I'm not too proud
Well I'm not to sure
And I'm not to proud to say...

Hump Day Helper -- My Girl Wants To Party All The Time Edition

Because it's Wednesday, and we all need a pick-me-up to make it through the rest of the week in our respective hells, WDR is providing some fun.

The guys at WDR are still taking things easy this week, escaping the daily grind that is running this entertaining website that is a bastion of quality (vacationing from that, and school). Whoo. So this is Rasheed, the intern, doing at least the standard feature of each week with my pick for the Hump Day Helper. Alright.

And I'm just going to continue with this mood of partying, by playing perhaps the catchiest, most upbeat song that came out last year. Yeah. Chances are, you never heard it even once, and for that you should be angry. Angry, and perhaps bloated. Whatever state you're in, it doesn't matter--just join in on the fun and go nuts. Uh Huh.

People don't dance no more, (what!)
They just stand there like this, (uh huh)
They cross their arms and stare you down and drink and moan and diss (that's right!)

Vanity: The Most Beautiful of the Deadly Sins

As an ugly ugly, fat fat fat man, there are few aspects of my appearance in which I can take a modicum of pride. Sure, my calves are sicktight, but I think it's retarded that one could look upon such a body part with any degree of pride, (plus, it's cold outside and I can't show them off). Though I do get enjoyment when I hear of other morons' vain attempts to improve their physique in this area ("if I only get calf implants, I'll totally be neck-deep in pussy!"). No, the only thing that I can be proud of is my stupid hair.

Actually, I mainly find my hair to be annoying. It really only works in one style, and there's a whole metric fuckton of it. It's not like I have a giant afro--no, it's just that there's more hair packed per-square-inch than you can imagine. The greatest part about this is that I have the same conversation with every barber:

Barber Fellow: That's a lot of hair!
Me: Sure is, hehehe (thinks of way to knife someone nearby)

But in general, I'm happy with whatever haircut I get. It's pretty hard to fuck up "just trim it". The only problem is the maintenance, because without proper care, drastic shit happens.

I end up looking like a dyke.


I have multiple factors working against me, which lead to that unfortunate possibility. One is my approximately C-cup breasts, which while potentially fantastic on a woman, are just wrong on my body. Two, my Eastern European heritage works against me, because of the stereotype in American culture that E. European women are more manly-looking than their male counterparts. All of this adds to the general confusion that could result.

Sure, I could easily rectify this problem with some careful adjustments on my part. But due to my strict pro-lazy, anti-metro policy, I do as little as possible when it comes to hair care. No blow-dry, because frying my head does not sound appealing. No mousse, because that shit is icky and gets all over your hands, with none of the fun of 'batin. And no gel, because my douche quotient is not high enough. If you use hairgel, you're a douche. And if you dare offer yourself as a counterexample, I'm sorry--next time you check the mirror you'll have a douche staring right back at you. No, all I do is run a brush through the hair a couple of times, and half-expect it to stay relatively in place for the next 20 hours.

When it all comes together, you have the one man that can rock the near-pompadour this side of Daniel Kessler from Interpol. Sure, it sounds bongtarded in theory, but it's the only thing that ever comes to working. This then leads to the compliments from the ladies, who once have gotten over their initial disgust, come to marvel at my amazing follicles. And it stays looking good, no matter what the length--from 80s I-Banker style to late 70s porn producer style, the potential is there. But then again, there's the good chance I end up looking like a man-hating lesbian.



And now, if you excuse me, it's Friday night. Time for this dyke to hit the town.

WDR Backtalks--WDR on Strike??

We here at WDR receive a metric fuck-ton of fanmail on a regular basis. And 9 times out of 10 we burn it on contact (it's a fool-proof security system we have in place). But in some rare instances we actually read what you write to us.

Dear Mr. Wayne Diego,

All the various news outlets are talking about an impending writers' strike, and how it will affect our movie and TV-watching. It's really important, because America's number one priority is what is bombarding our eye-sockets (though we are still at the forefront in the fight against skull-fucking). So my question is, are you going to show solidarity with your brethren and strike as well, or are you a "filthy hippie pinko scab", as my dad calls me. I like turtles.

--Smapdi (age 8)

Joe Reefer responds:

Thank you young reader for your support. Have a WDR button, and remember to attach easily-removable magnets to your SUV to show your support for our troops fighting overseas, because that is an alarmingly prescient way of showing our commitment. Who says irony is dead?



/form letter B

Nic Ouzo responds:

Smapdi, I want to assure you that we here at The Wayne Diego Report are very much aware of the writers' strike, as we have been watching events very closely. We have agonized over the decision of whether or not we should follow suit as well, and let me tell you we drank a lot of Hard Henry's in making our decision.

We have come to the decision that we are going to continue publication of our blog without any foreseeable interruptions in the future. The strike is over the sharing of profits of DVD sales and "new media", like internet crap. Since our parent company, Generica Industries, has signed us to an enormously benevolent contract, we already receive over 80% of all WDR DVD sales, and since we already exist as a New Media entity, we have direct control over that revenue stream. Our WDR movie will continue as planned, with initial estimates of spring 2011 being the release date (which should still allow it to premiere before "Christmas On Mars"). I know some of you are interested in the launch of our WDR cable network, but those talks have stalled as we wrestle with some essential problems: my frightening physical presence, the fact that Joe is wanted in 6 states for failure to pay child support, and that Mr. Zhuang fears that the television cameras will steal his soul. As for the writers in our print division, they can go fuck themselves. Some of us don't appreciate it when you piss in the punchbowl at the Christmas party.



As for any other show of solidarity, well, we're not going to follow any of it up. In fact, if someone like The Daily Show decided that they would be better off with new, non-union writers, we'll gladly take the reins. We promise to be 9.7 times more satirically vicious, and 4.3 times more consistent (whether that means consistently "funny" or otherwise is yet to be determined--somebody fucked up in running the regression formula with that data, but we should get you an answer sometime next week). And we'll do it purely out of the love of comedy, which apparently wins out over our political sensibilities.

Why would we take that drastic step? Well, it's because we're not a part of their fancy-pants union. Oh, we tried to become members, we've tried to play by their rules, but apparently a couple of College Newspaper credits between the three of us aren't enough. And they released the hounds on us, the ones with the bees in their mouth so that when they bark they shoot bees (they have the technology). And frankly, we haven't gotten over the mental wounds of being treated so shoddily.



So fuck 'em.

Mr. Zhuang responds:

Television has writers?