So You Find Yourself Living In L.A. (Part 1)

aka "Hey, what's that shit in my water?"

As many readers may have noticed, there haven't been a lot of posts by Yours Truly lately. The last few weeks have been chaotic beyond belief, and frankly I just don't like you that much. That's right, you. The one reading this right now. (most readers actually exempt. I love you guys) The truth of the matter is that I find myself suddenly living in L.A. I know what you're thinking: "Didn't I just read a whole page about the whole WDR crew driving down to SoCal for a concert?"... Well, first of all - you're a god damn liar. You know you didn't read that whole page. You mistakenly wandered over here looking for your anal Harry Potter tentacle necrophilia fix, and you came across this instead. Good for you. But yes, I did indeed just drive back and forth to southern California last weekend, and this weekend I did nearly the same exact drive yet again. It was pretty brilliant logistically.

The point is, I find myself living in Los Angeles very suddenly. I am mostly still disoriented and totally unaware of my surroundings, but there are a few observations that I felt I might impart just in case you find yourself in my same situation (hint hint, Mr. Ouzo):

1. Previous observations about the midget scale of all bathroom amenities span even further than previously anticipated.
Seriously people, what the fuck is your deal? My wang is not one foot above the floor, it is a healthy three or four feet above the floor. However, the worst instance of this midgititus I have encountered has to be the showers. Now, I've encountered some short showers in my time, and I always try to blow them off by simply assuming I'm inhumanly tall... well, it's just too much at this point. In the past two weeks I have been just about everywhere... I've been to your mid-range apartment, I've been to your college apartment, I've been to your sleazy hotel, I've been to your classy hotel, I've been to your mid-range hotel... EVERY GOD DAMN SHOWER HAS BARELY MANAGED TO SPRAY WATER PAST MY GOD DAMN CHEST. Seriously. What in the fucking hell is wrong with this picture? I can understand toilets/urinals being an issue. If a toilet/urinal is too tall for someone, it can cause problems, while if it is low you can at least still use it... however the opposite is true for showers... having a tall shower doesn't make a short person unable to use it... but god damn if I haven't had to spend every shower I've had in California trying to act like a fucking contortionist just to get the fucking water on my fucking head.

2. How long is Los Angeles going to hold the crown for that illustrious category of "Sure you're hot... but I honestly can't tell if you're a prostitute"? I've been here a fair amount of times in my life, and it's always the same... there are a lot of attractive women... but I'm fairly sure I would have to pay a sizable fee just to talk to any of them.


3. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT IN MY WATER??

I can't stress this enough. I have been in some old buildings before. I have seen, and I have even drank some awful looking water. We're talking water that looked like apple juice. However, L.A. manages something special... the water is absolutely crystal clear. You can see right through it. No color. Nothing. HOWEVER, if you actually hold it up to a light and look closely, what do you see? Tons of shit floating everywhere in the glass. It's as if someone found L.A.'s water supply and shook a big-ass shaker of pepper into it. It's just enough so that you don't notice it like brown water from old pipes, but instead you think it's fine until you taste it... then you know something is wrong. Thank god for water filters. They take that shit right out. But everyone makes a mistake and drinks it the first time, and the more you look at it the more you regret that naive first gulp.

4. L.A. drivers are idiots

A lot of people rag on the drivers down here, saying they're the worst in the country, etc... It's not true. The worst drivers in the country are undeniably in Massachusetts. I won't get into that now, but I'll just say this... L.A. drivers aren't bad drivers, they're stupid drivers. L.A. drivers don't have any confusion about how their cars or the road work, they don't make left turns from the right lane, or right turns from the left lane (granted this could be because traffic is always so heavy that it would be impossible), and thank god I haven't seen anyone pull a U-turn on a busy freeway yet (...maybe I will have to get into Massachusetts drivers some time...) ... No, L.A. drivers are just dumb. It's not bad driving, it's just stupid driving. People are too stupid to know what is or is not a worthwhile driving risk, so you see people doing things like swerving in and around cars without a turn signal just because they are unable to weigh out whether or not this maneuver is worth the risk. That's all it is. Los Angeles is a constant barrage of that same maneuver, over and over again. End of story. Not bad driving, just god-awfully stupid driving.
I think that's all for this post, folks... I will actually get to updating all the other posts I'm supposed to toss my opinions in on... I just haven't gotten there yet.