Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Hump Day Helper -- Live From Louisiana Edition


Because it's Wednesday, and we all need a pick-me-up to make it through the rest of the week in our respective hells, WDR is providing some fun.

The King returns.

(I guess.)

When the drunk one said,
"Cat S-s-s-s-stevens was the greatest singer!"

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

The Perils of Listening to STP


It has come to my attention that I am often plagued with a mild sort of paranoia. Now, before you get all worried about my health/sanity, I must emphasize the "mild" part of the diagnosis, and also assert that this diagnosis was in no way made by a health professional. Instead, it is more a result of my tendency towards hyper-self-awareness that I discovered this trait--or, it is more likely the case that instead of paranoia that it is this trait expressing itself. It is in fact this very trait that is causing me to reflect and realize that this introduction is needlessly wordy, and that its attempts at being analytical and insightful are failing miserably, and instead I am looking like a fucking pompous windbag. I have been told to end the introduction immediately.

The point that I was trying to get at was fairly simple--I am often very conscious of my actions and appearance, but its motivated by the idea that there is always the possibility of someone judging me. I don't mean this in a literal Judge Judy and Executioner way, or a Fear of God kind of way either--just that people are always paying attention to whatever it is that I am doing, whether it be on the bus or in the check-out line at Freddy's. So when I do things like my daily jog, I assume that everyone is paying attention to me and wondering what the hell this fat fuck is doing trying to "exercise" (that's reserved for the strong and beautiful only, folks). Or if there are parents watching their kids playing, they must be thinking something along the lines of "I better keep an extra careful watch on my kids, because I'm sure this guy is some sort of child rapist or something" (even though Joe Reefer is the one with the vehicle known as the C M V!).



As a result, I often prepare myself for potential contact with other human beings. The most important part of this process is deciding exactly what music I'm going to listen to. If I'm having to explain myself, I don't want to be caught talking to a nice old couple about the Mastodon pumping through my headphones, or something weird and gay like Hot Chip. So I tend to stick with pretty mainstream stuff, classic or otherwise.


A band that seems like a good choice within these parameters would be Stone Temple Pilots--pretty popular band, you probably heard a lot of their songs on the radio. But as I saw a woman approach me during my jog, I wondered "what if you hadn't heard of the band?" If this person asked me what it was I was listening to, could I say "Well, it's Stone Temple Pilots 'Naked Sunday'"? That would be exceedingly scary. I then thought of potential ways to explain myself. I could talk about the other hits you might have heard! Let's see...next song is "Creep". Nah, that doesn't help with the situation. What else was huge..."Sex Type Thing"! The anti-rape song that sounds like an anthem for a Broseph U fratbastard that he can bang his head to while mixing up that GHB! "Crackerman" could work...wait, that sounds kind of racist...no, "Dead and Bloated--NO..."Plush" sounds nice, and way too much like we're entering into Buffalo Bill's lair..."Wicked Garden"...eww. Then I thought of songs from other albums: "Vasoline"--that just sounds graphic; "Interstate Love Song"--that sounds like it's about Highway Hookers; "Trippin' On A Hole In A Paper Heart"--junkies are frightening and confusing; "Lady Pictureshow"--sounds like the next date for that Highway Hooker; "Sour Girl"--the Highway Hooker is now an old maid.

Clearly the entire catalog of STP was of no help whatsoever. Then again, this was the same band that originally was known as Shirley Temple's Pussy, so I should have realized this at the outset. To add to the misery of the situation, you also have to consider the outfit that I was wearing, that was the result of the bizarre weather we were having (cold as fuck but blinding sun--lousy Smarch weather)--a hooded sweatshirt with mirrored shades. Basically, we had a fat Unabomber on the loose. AND LISTENING TO GOD KNOWS WHAT?!?!



This is why I don't talk to people.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Six Degress of...Balto


I'm sure our readers wonder what we do on the weekends around here. It's probably a valid question, since we usually take the time off and don't post anything during that time (unless of course, Mr. Zhuang gets some sort of crazy inspiration--or his body is still on China Time). Clearly we must have something much more important to take care of than to satisfy our long-time fans.

Of course, this is often not the case. It's usually just veg-time on the couch, for the most part. It's exceedingly easy to do that during the fall, when there's football to occupy our time (well, except for Joe--he's still boycotting the game until the Rules Committee approves his "style points" idea), not so much during January. Instead, we do things like get angry that we can't go see Kevin Bacon because we no longer attend school.


You may say to yourself, "Kevin Bacon? Who gives a shit?" But you would be wrong my friend, dead wrong. How dare you badmouth the man who was the star of "Tremors"? The man probably has a Graboid in his backyard right now! He helped make "The Air Up There" one of the modern classic of the Sports/Culture Clash genre. The man showed his penis in "Wild Things", dammit! The man deserves our respect. And of course, who could forget his brilliant turn as the lead voice in "Balto"?

All this talk of Balto led us to reminisce about our very own Balto from the Salem area, Representative Billy Dalto. The man has a fantastic homepage that was created on a Mac (so you know it's good), plus a kickass MySpace page that really shows he is down with the youth culture (just check out his tagline! He's up-to-date on what all the YouTube kids are talking about!) Hopefully all this talk of Balto will awaken Joe from his slumber, and he can regale you with the tale of his personal meeting with the Man/Dog himself in the comments.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Dance, Dance, Dance, Dance, Dance to the Radio

Strangely enough, during the six months that we've written this blog, we haven't really discussed our music taste. Sure, you've picked up some clues as to where our musical tastes lie with our weekly Hump Day Helpers, or our diatribes against wussy rock. Oh yeah, sure, there was that whole Rock The Bells recap too. Oh, and that whole tag of "My Attempts At Music Journalism". I guess we really do talk a lot about our musical taste. Yet somehow, we never really talked about one of our uniting musical interests. And that (kind of) plays into this quick story here.



I was sitting in the dentist's chair, experiencing the mild torture that is a gum check. Now, I've never been one to complain about a dental visit (after all, it's not like I'm a kindergartner any more), but I've found that listening to the soft music crap that they pipe in is an effective distraction from the eerie scraping they're doing to my toothbones. Considering it is a dentist's office, that means a lot of AC radio--AC being Adult Contemporary. What the hell is Adult Contemporary? Well, think of elevator music, but with the lyrics still in place. It's fuckin' old people music.

It was in this setting that I heard a song that totally blew my mind. In between The Police's "Message In A Bottle" and that stupid song that goes "Let's Give Them Something To Talk About!", I heard what had to be a massive fuckup on the DJ/Automaton's part in selecting the playlist--Soundgarden's "Black Hole Sun". I can only imagine the look of horror upon the station employees' faces as the great guitar noise-freakout of a solo took place, as they contemplated how many bored soccermoms and doting old grandparents they just offended.



Now, considering that this was an AC station, I don't know whether or not I should be offended. On the one hand, one should be happy that they got some kickass music on their playlist for once...on the other, apparently Soundgarden is now considered "safe" and "appropriate for old folks". All I know is that if I were a bit older, like 30, I'd feel reeeeeeaaaally fucking old right now. And though all the members of the WDR crew dig the Seattle Sound and are fans of "Grunge Music", we weren't children of the movement. I think we'll only know for sure when ...And You Will Know Us By The Trail of Dead hits those playlists.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Hump Day Helper -- We're Here To Inspire Edition


Because it's Wednesday, and we all need a pick-me-up to make it through the rest of the week in our respective hells, WDR is providing some fun.

I alluded to this last week, but usually for our Hump Day Helpers we try to select something that will just amp you up, get you going, do the work of a Red Bull/Cocaine cocktail. And that's a fine approach to getting out of the mid-week doldrums most of the time. But sometimes we want a little more, something that gives us more than energy, something that gives us...hope. And that leads us to posting something by some merry Icelandic musicmakers.

I initially got the idea to change course and post a Sigur Rós video after watching some of their amazing live DVD, Heima. I had been fans of the eclectic and uplifting music that Sigur Rós had produced for a number of years now, and had heard raves about their spectacular live show, but I was still blown away by the sheer majesty of their performance from watching the DVD. So we'll pass along a little of that same experience by showcasing one of their most powerful videos here.

Random Addenda: There's an excellent cover version of the song done by the American group We Are Scientists that you could listen to as well. I also wanted to mention that as I was in Hollywood Video yesterday when I heard the unmistakable buildup that is the climax to Popplagið; upon hearing this, I had to see what movie was using it, and I must say I was extremely disappointed to see that it was for that stupid remake of "Invasion of the Body Snatchers".

Oh, and here's your Magic Bullet Yahtzee!

Og ég fæ blóðnasir (and i get a nosebleed)
En ég stend alltaf upp (but i'll always stand up again)

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Mr. Zhuang Can See the Future, or something

For years, people have taken their biggest questions to one man.

"Who is my father?"
"Is there a God?"
"Why is Dick Clark still alive?"

That man is me, for some reason. And just for the record, I won't answer all of those questions directly, but just let you know that they are all connected in some way.

Why do people come to me with these questions? I'm not really sure what it is, but I think it has something to do with my sagely appearance. People think, "Hey there's some wise, old Asian guy! He must have the answers!" It doesn't really matter that I'm in my early twenties. People judge a book by it's cover.

But whatever - I'll answer your questions! I live for this shit. Here are a few questions that I received lately from some of our readers:

"Who really killed Kennedy?"

You wouldn't believe how many times I've been asked this question. Now, I know a lot of people have their theories, but you're all wrong. Here's what really happened:

Kennedy shot himself. You see, Kennedy would have gone on to produce the first time machine AND the first army of killer robots. Once he realized this, he went back in time to kill himself to spare the human race and be remembered as a decent president (instead of the founding tyrant of the robot army that would eventually destroy us all). He enlisted the help of a young James Cameron, who later "fictionalized" the story for massive profits. Also, when Kennedy shot his past self, his future self ceased to exist, as did all evidence linking him to the crime. I don't think I need to explain the whole "magic bullet" thing away, do I?

"Who will win the Superbowl this year?"

Oh, wouldn't you like to know? Oh, wait, I don't. It really sucked going all season knowing that the Patriots would be going to the Superbowl again, but whatever. Sucks to be San Diego or a Cheesehead right now (sorry dudes).

I do know, however, that Tom Brady is going to suffer a broken throwing arm right before the game. This doesn't have anything to do with my ability to see in the future. I just know that some mob guys have the thing ready to go and I've got my house riding on this game. Go Giants!

"A couple of young celebrities have died recently. Is this a trend, and if so, who's next?"

Sadly, this is true. Today we lost Heath Ledger, an actor who looks like he may be the coolest Joker in Batman history (and that's saying something). It will probably be someone with considerable charm and talent. But I hope it's Pete Wentz. That guy sucks.

"Are eggs good or bad for you?"

This has long been debated over the breakfast tables of America and I just want to set the record straight: Eggs ARE good, AND good for you. I eat them poached every morning, and I think the results speak for themselves.

"Why is Tyra Banks so hot and, at the same time, so fucking nuts?"

I think Nic Ouzo explained this in his blog when he said "(She) is an alien." Haven't you seen Species? Geez...

_____________

Alright, that's it for now. Send in your questions and maybe I'll answer them, if they aren't too lame.

From the "I Can't Believe He's Still Alive/Working" File

If you're anything like us, you've watched countless hours of television. This is of course, a good thing--you're helping to stimulate the economy by downloading thousands of hours of advertising into your brain, which will then float into your subconscious and will force you to buy that fantastic contraption, ye olde "Magic Bullet" at the local Stop 'N' Shop. At least, I think that's how it works. I could be wrong, but I doubt it.


The point is, you've probably come across the crazy ramblings of this combination of The Riddler/Urkel that is pictured to the right here. That's Matthew Lesko, in case you're wondering, and he's the guy that yells at you with claims of being able to give you "free money" and such. He's a generous guy, this Lesko character. And you shouldn't let the fact that what he's selling you is utter bullshit stand in your way!


Why do I bring this up? Well, last night I was spending my time doing extremely productive things--namely, watching Sgt. Bilko for the 15th time*--when all of a sudden I see this dancing leprechaun on my screen. After a few seconds, I realize that it is Matthew Lesko, with a NEW commercial! He's slightly older, and has a more retarded haircut these days, but he's still jibber-jabbering like the idiot we all love. So congratulations, Mr. Lesko: You're not dead.

*I know what many of you are thinking--Sgt. Bilko?!? But it's one of those movies that I watch whenever it's on--and since STARZ! used to rerun it 5 times a week, I've seen it plenty of times. In the future, we could do a rundown of movies that fit this description. In fact, next time we haven't posted something for a day, remind us and we'll do just that. We're really responsive like that.

Monday, January 21, 2008

The Legacy of the Good Doctor

We have a special guest contributor today, friend to the blog Von Bookman. We asked him to provide some perspective on the meaning of today's special holiday, and we're glad he accepted our offer.



Today the United States marks a celebration of one of America’s greatest historical leaders, a man who risked life and limb to ensure the freedom of many people across this great country. A native son of the South, this great public figure refused to compromise his cause to guarantee that Americans could enjoy the freedoms promised to them by the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence. That man is the late, great, General Robert E. Lee.


I’m sorry, I was just informed that I am not in Arkansas, Alabama, or Mississippi, where Gen. Lee has a holiday the same day as some guy named Martin Luther King, Jr. In any case, it seems upon further reading that this King guy has a pretty big reputation in the rest of the country, so he’s probably due some recognition. In fact, in my own special way as a “fellow Negro,” I have joined many others in honoring Dr. King on this day by doing what I do best: sitting on a crate in my underwear wagging my wiimote to make an Italian plumber stomp the hell out of a seemingly innocent turtle (trust me, it truly is as glorious a sight as you imagine). But seeing as how some activity beyond merely moving my wrist and fingers will withhold cardiac arrest for at least another 40 hours, I have decided to prop myself up in my desk chair to discuss some of the signs of American progress in race relations, a list of events or circumstances that the great Dr. King would regard as the fruits of the Civil Rights Movement’s labor.
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The Top Ten Things Dr. King Would Have Wanted

10. Voice Chat in Halo 3
A fellow genuine chocolateface has made me aware of the online multiplayer capacities of Halo 3, technology that allows participants to communicate with each other via what I assume is the same magic operating in telephone-machines. He has also made me aware that many young men around this country, possibly ranging in age from 13 to 30, are very fond of expressing the desire that they “don’t want to play with any niggers.” My friend has had matches in which he was teamed up with someone with the clever screenname “niggerkiller666.” But I wouldn’t take this as a setback; it would just give Dr. King further proof that there is more work to be done in race relations. A few thousand boys and grown men sheltered by internet anonymity shouldn’t worry many of us in this country anyway, given that this sector of the video game population is likely to go off to war in Iran in upcoming years to vent similar racial feelings. At least they’re out of my hair.

9. Al Sharpton

Whenever indisputable controversy abounds in this country, Gotham’s night sky is lit up by the perm-silhouette of America’s track-suited crusader. The former boy-preacher (although not as creepy as that freak Eli Sunday in There Will Be Blood) never fails to make sure he is at the center of any racial controversy in this country, often inviting those found guilty of racist remarks to plead for forgiveness on his radio show. The likes of Don Imus and former President-turned-blithering campaign surrogate Bill Clinton have apologized to the Reverend for insensitive statements about some ho’s whose heads might or might not have been nappy and characterizing the presidential aspirations of Senator Barack !!!!!HUSSEIN!!!!! Obama as a fairytale. Al Sharpton holds public figures’ feet to the fire, solidifying more of a steady career for a public figure rather than any meaningful progress for race relations.

8. Neoconservatism
Dr. King was greatly concerned with the spread of peace around this globe, and he knew that America had the potential might and moral clarity to create that reality. Is there any better tool to exercise this goal than our armed forces? As Operation Iraqi Freedom has taught Americans, we must bring peace and democracy to other nations on our terms, whether they want that form of government or not. And almost five years, thousands of dead soldiers, and tens of thousands of dead civilians later, Iraq is proving to become another glowing beacon of democracy in the Middle East(?). King would have loved to see the day when his country sacrificed a sizeable portion of another country’s citizens to ensure their own freedom and autonomy. It doesn’t matter that he identified “racism, poverty, and militarism” as the “triple evils” of the world or that he adamantly opposed the Vietnam War and other solutions to conflicts that weren’t nonviolent; what matters is that Americans, black, white, and whatever else matters, have engaged in the sacrifice of sending their sons and daughters across the globe to ensure that we keep the price of a barrel of oil down.

7. The Ying Yang Twins

Being the cultural ambassadors that they are, these two men not only show us that having talent equivalent to that of a rabid parasitic twin, possibly lacking any familiarity with the female sex, and being really, really ugly can produce beautiful music that would make anyone who grew up through the Harlem Renaissance and emergences of Rock n’ Roll and R&B very proud. Any chorus that goes “Hey bitch, wait til' you see my dick / Wait til' you see my dick / Hey bitch, wait til' you see my dick / I'm a beat that pussy up” represents musical lyricism that is bound for the Smithsonian or Library of Congress. I’m sure Dr. King’s iPod would be filled with their music in addition to that of the great maestro Lil' Jon. And when these men are receiving their Kennedy Center Honors in fifty years, we will truly recognize that it doesn’t matter that they exported an image of an entire race around the world that portrays its people as simple, hypersexual ghouls; they gave us a good beat, and I got to grind on that fat ass because of it.

6. Unnecessary Dualisms
Because one cannot stand for federal aid and government involvement in improving lives and also be for personal responsibility. There are only two groups of Americans: those who whine for help and those who do it for themselves. As a college-educated Negro, it would make me sick to think that my tax dollars were going to fund some inner-city program, possibly one that goes to some center for children who can’t read good and who wanna learn to do other stuff good too. I can’t help people if they can’t help themselves, even if they have no resources, income or time to do so. No minister like Dr. King would ever hold both the individual and a government to a higher moral standard, and neither should I, the entitled, educated beneficiary of government aid to finance my college education.

5. KFC’s New Hot Wings
They’re crunchy on the outside, but, SPICY, on the inside?!?! And I can get a 20 pc. Bucket?! I do believe Dr. King said at the March on Washington, “Black man love him some chicken!” so it makes the list.



4. Claims of the Party of Lincoln and the Party of FDR to Moral Superiority
It is always important to remind the voters that black people, as a bloc, shouldn’t be voting for Democrats because of their racist history, which naturally means that

they should be voting for Republicans. After all, Dr. King and Civil Rights leaders before him like A. Phillip Randolph worked with both Republican and Democratic administrations to guarantee certain legislative freedoms, so it’s only fair that
blacks today realize that it is unfair to the political process for Republicans not to have a sizeable share of the black vote without having really fought for it in the past 30 years. After all, the Democrats enacted the system of segregation and tolerated many Dixiecrats! It doesn’t matter that many of those Dixiecrats became Republicans after the Civil Rights Act. The Republicans are the Party of Lincoln, the Great Emancipator! It doesn’t matter that Lincoln tried to push through legislation to have blacks colonize Africa because he didn’t believe that a “superior race” and an “inferior race” could live together in the same country. On the other side, the Democrats can be proud of their Civil Rights history. It doesn’t really

matter that President Johnson referred to Dr. King as “that nigger preacher” once he began to oppose the Vietnam War. Dr. King understood that laws get passed for political expediency, and if he were alive today, I’m sure he would agree that only one side in the fight always had moral clarity on the issues of race and segregation. So let the bickering continue.

3. Paternity Tests on Maury
What says “I’m fit for parenthood” better than the inability to differentiate between up to 10 men who could be the father of your child? Or the inability to keep from cranking that Soulja Boy when you find out that dat ain’t yo baby? Or perhaps going on national television to let the world know that two consenting adults agreed to air their personal business about their inability to keep their pants on? Dr. King would want the world to know that America’s young black men and women are fertile, being fruitful, and multiplying. The race thrives, and having potential parents as these who go on Maury ensures that such a circle of life will continue.



2. Ron Paul
Despite the Texas congressman’s newsletters from the 70s, 80s, and 90s referring to him in many unflattering ways, Dr. King gives the man credit for having some major balls. Such a man who champions revisionist texts on Lincoln and the Civil War and argues for some nonspecific “equality” among humankind that can’t possibly speak to inequity (given the fact that he also wants to get rid of the federal government) earns a nod from King for his freedom of expression, speech, and insanity. Both men share problems with our American government and our aggressive, militaristic foreign policy; Paul simply takes the next evolutionary step in King’s thinking by advocating that we do absolutely nothing to aid anyone around the world in any circumstance and that we do likewise for some of America’s desperate citizens.


And finally, the number one thing Dr. King would have wanted to result from the efforts of the Civil Rights Movement:

1. Any phrase similar to “because that’s what Dr. King would have wanted”

What better way to honor a man than to take anything from any personal perspective one might have, coat it in the Reverend’s most innocuous language, and sell it to others as a statement in line with Dr. King’s philosophy? We cannot get our fill of bland statements about equality, and we can use them to argue for almost anything from opposition to affirmative action, preemptive war, opposition to abortion, gay rights, support of affirmative action, free enterprise, abortion rights, and even more. I think that on this day we should all get a free cheesesteak, because that’s what Dr. King would have wanted. Public masturbation? Dr. King would have wanted us to express ourselves creatively in the public square and enjoy all the freedoms that humanity—and the human body—has to offer? A brand new car? Oprah and Bob Barker got it right, and so should we, in King’s memory.

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This is a day for great reflection on American history and the struggle of those before us. I can’t help but be proud of myself for knowing that I am a good person who has committed himself to even publishing a cynical list of things Dr. King would have wanted. Introspection and cynicism are always better than action, and Dr. King would be proud of what I have now just accomplished. Because there is absolutely nothing left to fix in this world, and time is best spent reflecting on the ills of American society. Thank you, and back to Mario.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

WDR Is Hitting the Road...Again!

(Well, some of us are)

I just wanted to make the announcement that after weeks of careful deliberation and much soul-searching, that I came to the realization that I needed to embark on some life-affirming quest. I needed to return to my roots, and go back to the city of my birth, and hopefully I will receive some sort of divine inspiration that will guide me as I embark on a new chapter in my life. Embrace the past to move on to the future, or something to that effect.

Oh, and I wanted to get my drink on and celebrate Mardi Gras. That was an important part of the decision-making process as well.



It has been many years since I've been back to my previous home state--so long, in fact, that the last visit I had made, Dubya wasn't even in the White House at that point (oh, the good ol' days--you knew where you were then, watching shows like "Gentle Ben" (guess we could use a man like Sheriff Lobo again)). And I thought to myself, "Nic. You're probably going to be in school/working for the rest of your life. You're not doing anything right now. When are you going to have a chance like this to truly take in the Mardi Gras experience?" The answer was "Only when I decide to commit career suicide", which is probably at least two decades away. So, in the spirit of instant gratification, I booked a ticket on a whim and am now headed back to Louisiana at the end of the month.


What does this mean to you, the viewer of this reputable website? Well, probably no posts from me that week (and considering the participation by the other co-authors, that'll probably mean no new material at all--unless they can figure out how to work the YouTube machine and toss in some hilarity for you to enjoy). On the other hand, I should be able to get a camera and provide you with pictures of all the festivities at some point. In the end, I win, and you end up not really giving a shit. Thus, the circle of life is complete.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Hump Day Helper -- You Listen to Too Much Heavy Metal Edition


Because it's Wednesday, and we all need a pick-me-up to make it through the rest of the week in our respective hells, WDR is providing some fun.

I was all set to give you guys a very chill, very inspirational Hump Day Helper this week, which would be a stark contrast to the ENERGY! approach we had been going with lately. But then Joe Reefer had to go ahead and fuck things up, sending me the leak to the new Mars Volta album, effectively putting my previous plans in the shitter. As it is, I think you shall be quite satisfied with the result.

While The Mars Volta continue venturing into the bizarre, one should take the time to look back to the previous band, At The Drive-In, and appreciate the fantastic work that they did. While they had solid output throughout their career, they really hit their stride with the landmark album Relationship Of Command, which is easily one of the top ten albums of the decade (and an enormous favorite of the entire WDR crew). We could have gone with the serious video or the video of the song everyone knows, but what the hell, let's pick the one that just gets you amped up.

It takes the weight out of living!...

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Why You Should Watch NBA Regular Season Games

I know most people don't care about the NBA. And for most of the people that actually do, they don't really pay attention until the playoffs start. I am not one of those people--at least not this year. (During college, when I had stuff to do on the weeknights, I was more inclined to skip over the random Wednesday night Milwaukee - Utah matchup and not obsess over the standings on a day-to-day basis.) This year has been great, because thanks to the Comcast Sports Network, I have been able to watch every single Blazer game, watching them rise from the depths of an 0-4 and 5-12 start to becoming an almost-certain playoff contender.

While the Blazers are an intriguing enough story themselves (the hilarity that is the Blazers announcing team are worthy of a column of themselves), what about the rest of the league? Why should you watch any of their games? Well, it should be to witness moments of sheer genius, like this one right here:



Definitely makes that midweek Milwaukee - Utah matchup worth it.

Monday, January 14, 2008

WDR Returns!...With A Vengeance!...YES

OR: How We Spent Our Winter Vacation


Some of our more perceptive readers (i.e., the ones who aren't here just for our dirty pictures/Ronnie Coleman breakfast recipes) may have noticed a slowdown in our production. Then again, considering our Sitemeter numbers, there's a good chance that's not the case, since we're averaging similar numbers with or without new content. Nevertheless, we must move forward, not backward, upward not forward, and always twirling, twirling towards freedom. And irreverence, I guess. Because that's how we roll.

I imagine some of you are wondering just why we weren't filling up the [other word for "blogosphere", because it's a horrible term] with our mindless ramblings, well, the answer is simple. It's because we were all together, in the same city at the same time (if we were occupying the same space at the same time, we'd have some sort of Physics Anomaly that would result in the ending of Timecop being played out in reality--you'd have to consult our Resident Practitioner of the Black Arts of Physics, Joe Reefer, for further study). You might think that having all three co-authors of the blog might lead to enhanced productivity, but you would be sadly mistaken. All it does is lead to incredible, incredible destruction. If you thought that what happened when I had my mini-vacation in July was bad, you're in for quite the shock.



Sorry Rasheed for all the mess. We might just sweeten your perks package by giving you free Equal for your coffee during your unpaid internship here.

All we were able to accomplish was drinking. A lot of it. We're talking epic here. We weren't even able to accomplish more modest goals of specific movie nights, much less work on the blog due to the sheer amount of alcohol being poured down various gullets. To say the "beer flowed like wine" would be an understatement. But now the holidays are over, and everyone is separated, and finally, progress shall be accomplished. And the drinking shall be done (relatively) alone.

To sum up: Drinking + WDR authors = Hilarity!
Drinking + WDR authors together = Chaos.
And Destruction.


Nevertheless, the holidays weren't a total washout. We were able to brainstorm about potential column ideas, some of which may be better than others (which will probably be a function of our state of inebriation at the time of inspiration (with the function of course being "more shitfaced = more awesome idea!")). One such idea was the creation of a drink I'd like to call "Mr. Festive", or as it will be known around most office Christmas parties, "The Babymaker".

It's a relatively simple concept that's perfect for the Christmas season. People are always looking to put liquor into their Egg Nog, because they are kind of unwilling to just soak in the delicious nogness of the beverage (that, and I guess they'd rather have the added benefit of getting wasted while downing all that delicious fat and calories--I call it the "regret multiplier"!) That's where my inspiration came into play. What could be a better Holiday Combo Offering than Peppermint Schnapps and Egg Nog?! It's like your drinking a Crack Candy Cane! Drunk Santa heartily approves.



So "Mr. Festive" is simply a nice big shot of Ice 101 and a scotch-glass sized offering of Nog, resulting in an unholy marriage that puts you in a holiday spirit that's sure to annoy Janice in Accounting. "Ice Nog" or "Nog 101" (as Joe and Zhuang call it) is sure to lead to many a drunken grope at your Office Party, but the price of a few sexual harassment suits (and I guess paternity suits as well) are worth it when considering the joy you'll get from drinking one or nine of these delicious cocktails. All this solidifies my stake to the claim of "Food Alchemist", as seen in my previous attempts of combining random foods (See: Macaroni & Cheese and Curry; Raisin Bagels with American Cheese). And with the great possibility of me acting the fool due to the inclusion of My Kryptonite, Everybody Wins!

So sit back, everybody, and grab yourself a Mr. Festive (if you have an unexpired jug of Nog). It's going to be a fantastic 2008 for WDR.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Hump Day Helper -- Celebrate Good Times! Edition


Because it's Wednesday, and we all need a pick-me-up to make it through the rest of the week in our respective hells, WDR is providing some fun.

Yeah, I've been in a pretty good mood lately. That tends to happen when something like this occurs. So today's Hump Day Helper is all about the fun. I'm presenting the song that pretty much accurately described my state of mind late Monday night, despite the fact that this is the better song.

Because it's the new year, and you're already dreading the horrendous weekday grind. Friday can't come soon enough.

It wasn't easy, but nothing is...No!

MUUUUUUR-DER!

Let me first say that I don't mean to make light of a murder (You'd be surprised how many times I say this in a day!). This is a sad story. But there was something about it that caught my eye. You see it? I'll give you time to read it. I'll wait...



OK. Rule 1 of hiking by yourself (especially if you're a woman): Don't hike on BLOOD MOUNTAIN. Seriously, doesn't that sound like some new horror movie? Heck, a few years down the line it probably will be. You might as well camp at the bottom of Rabid Grizzly Canyon or on top of Werewolf Butte on a full moon.

Blood Mountain! Seriously!

Monday, January 7, 2008

The Something Something of 2007!

A count down or something.

2007 was full of ups and downs. It was a roller coaster ride that brought us to this beautiful, rainy and occasionally snowy year of 2008. Anything can happen now, what with round numbers and all (and the numbers really are ROUND! Look at them!). But let's not dwell on the future; let's take a look at what was and can never be changed.



It's common knowledge that the WDR crew has a horrible habit of watching those VH1 shows about decades past (and occasionally those about weeks past, too). We do this to cope with the fact that the present sucks, and things are SOOOOO much better in retrospect.

So what was so great about 2007? What were the worst parts? Well, I'm not sure how to say this, but the following list isn't a best or worst of; it's just a list of crap that I came up with ... right now.

Oh, and there will be 14 items on the list. Because I said so.

WDR's First Annual Countdown or Something

14.) Lesbians!

This year, Jodie Foster grabbed the media spotlight not for her acting or some sort of political ramblings, but because of her sexuality. She is in a relationship with a woman. Let it sink in.

So, I didn't initially know why this was a big deal. In the words of Tourette's Guy, "That just means she likes what I like!" But upon further scrutiny, I realized what it was. You see, there was a point in time when Jodie Foster was "Kill the President Hot." This was a time when one extremely deranged guy thought that Jodie Foster would love him if he killed the president. Now, this woman is dating another woman? Dios Mio!

Yes, some other post should be done on this, but right now I'm getting tired of talking about this and I still have 13 more things to count down.

13.) The Rise and Fall of the Ducks

This year, we in Eugene saw our Ducks (and star Dennis Dixon) rise above all others, only to lose it all to fucking Arizona. Seriously. Wow.

The worst part was the Dennis Dixon Heisman situation, which if you recall, even I was skeptical about. Still, when it came down to it, Dixon was the front runner and would have taken the trophy if he hadn't been injured. But he was, and it sucked. Game over.

12.) Radiohead's "In Rainbows"

This has been the talk of so many other people/lists, that I'm not really going to get into it. But let me just say this: When are we going to get the second disc?

11.) The Return of Rage

Rage Against the Machine came back, we drove all the way to Berdo to see 'em and it was all worth it. Even with the heat and hundreds of retarded fans (who burns plastic bottles?) the show remains amazing.

10.) The Ducks Win the PAC 10 Championship Game

I added this mostly because it happened on my birthday and USC kids cried. Best birthday gift, guys!

9.) Britney Spears' Children Are Frightening

I know, who wants to hear crap about Britney Spears? No one (I wish). But the fact is that I've had to see her damned face and her kids on magazines at the grocery store and this issue has not been brought to light. THESE KIDS LOOK CREEPY. Then again, look where they came from.

8.) The Rice Burger Flavor Sensation!

OK, so Jonathan Stewart made this crazy burger with rice and salsa on it, and it was pretty good. Happy Cinco De Mayo!

7.) I'm Running Out of Things to Write

I'm just gonna skip this one.

6.) ELECTION TIME!

So 2008 is the actual election time, but we've been getting all sorts of shit about the election since the beginning of 2007 (or at least that's when I noticed it). I haven't really paid much attention to it because it's a little while off, and eventually I won't be able to get away from it. It's kind of like Christmas, but without religious barrier or any time constraints. It's balls-out MADNESS.

5.) INTERPOL!

New album from Interpol that was awesome (in fact, I listened to some of it today). My pick for new summer album.

4.) Queens of the Stone Age

I love these guys, but the latest album wasn't as good as I thought it would be. Sure, My expectations were high, but usually these guys meet them. Still, it was nice to get an album version of "I Wanna Make it Wit Chu," even though it's at a slower tempo than the live version I'm used to. But it did have a cool video.

3.) Superbad

If you've seen it, you know what I'm talking about.

2.) Eastern Promises

If you've seen it, you know what I'm taking about.

1.) The Most Horrible Thing My Eyes Have Seen This Year (courtesy of my roommate)


And no, it wasn't the picture above (not sure what so horrible about it, but Google found it...).

No, it was "Two Girls, One Cup" was horribly disturbing and awful. I'm not even going to link it here, so if someone else wants to force that upon you, they'll have to link it themselves (I'm looking at you, Joe). Seriously, this is fucked up shit. It even made Loveline's Dr. Drew feel queasy. I don't want to think about it any more. Just picture the worst thing you've seen, and it will be close.

_______________________

So there you have it: What a year! Let's just hope that 2008 makes things crazy again. I know it will.

It's 2008--WHY CAN'T I TELEPORT?!?!

Well, another year has come and gone. Another year that saw no flying cars, no one-pill meals, and most importantly, no teleportation. Honestly, it's as if scientists are doing diddly-squat these days. Stem cells? Hydrogen Power? All nonsense. Get me a damn teleportation module, then you can fritter your time away on things like "improving health" and "alternative energy".

And with that gloriously retarded introduction, that should be a cue as good as any that the geniuses that run WDR are back and ready to go. We'll be sure to provide the latest in inside jokes, inane commentary, and supremely controversial nonsense, in conjunction with random attempts at seriousness, therefore defeating our attempts to be both humorous and informative in one fell swoop. If you can't appreciate our schizophrenic nature, then please feed us our meds. They fell outside of our cages. We'd really appreciate the help.



And for all the people that arrive to our site just to look at the pictures from our AIDS-Hot post, welcome and enjoy your visit. For those of you who came here because you were apparently researching "banana bread rape"*, well, please seek help. I don't even want to know the context of that search.

*actual search term used to find our site

So what do you have to look forward to in the new year from the WDR crew?
1. More posts from Joe Reefer. You asked for it, and you will get it. If not, Joe will know the business-end of my cattle prod all too well (that's right Joe, I ended up actually buying one. Fear the prod).
2. Posts that were previously promised will come to fruition. What will that include? A thesis on Honey Bunches of Oats, A Day in the Life of The Penguin, and more pointless lists.
3. Mr. Zhuang's ancient Chinese secrets.
4. More goofy pictures.
5. More drinking.

So there you go. 2008 is going to kick ass. It's certainly gonna be better than 2007. After all, the only thing that came out in 2007 was this stupid site. All we ask is that you leave comments--they're sure to be better than whatever crap we actually post.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Hump Day Helper -- My Girl Wants To Party All The Time Edition


Because it's Wednesday, and we all need a pick-me-up to make it through the rest of the week in our respective hells, WDR is providing some fun.

The guys at WDR are still taking things easy this week, escaping the daily grind that is running this entertaining website that is a bastion of quality (vacationing from that, and school). Whoo. So this is Rasheed, the intern, doing at least the standard feature of each week with my pick for the Hump Day Helper. Alright.

And I'm just going to continue with this mood of partying, by playing perhaps the catchiest, most upbeat song that came out last year. Yeah. Chances are, you never heard it even once, and for that you should be angry. Angry, and perhaps bloated. Whatever state you're in, it doesn't matter--just join in on the fun and go nuts. Uh Huh.

People don't dance no more, (what!)
They just stand there like this, (uh huh)
They cross their arms and stare you down and drink and moan and diss (that's right!)