News you can use!

(And abuse ... ?)

There is a design philosophy that if you want to change the look of your medium (magazine, newspaper, website, etc.) that you should make several small changes instead of one big change. The idea is that people won't notice the small changes (or will be more accepting of them) and, eventually, the medium reaches the same end: a new design. This also makes for less "Letter to the Editor" complaints from old people who "liked the old format just fine."

Here at WDR, we do not subscribe to this philosophy. We pretty much just go, "Oh, look: New templates and design options!" Then we fuck around with EVERYTHING. Which brings us to this entry. You may have noticed (unless you're new to the site) that there have been some changes to the format. In true WDR spirit, I doubt the current look will last all that long. But, I think we can make some serious progress on this thing if we put some effort into it.

Also, I'm proud to announce that WDR will be adding a new, semi-regular segment for reviewing dollar-bin albums. We've collected quite a few gems in the last few years and should have the first of these reviews up sometime tomorrow this week.

So look out, world! WDR is doing stuff!

Moving slowly toward making a blog about The Simpsons

As is usually the case on the weekend, I was wandering about in the desert with a head full of peyote and having a conversation with Jim Morrison about which fruit is the best (strawberries), when I realized that I was supposed to write a blog about the new The Simpsons Movie.

When I awoke from my hallucinogenic stupor, I found myself lying on a beach completely naked. It is easy to say that I was in no condition to write anything, nor could I get online without a computer. But now, after a long walk in the woods, I am back at the office, ready for work.

The Simpsons Movie is something that I know I have been looking forward to for a very long time. In fact, I've heard rumors of a movie being made since I was a little kid, and only today have such rumors become a reality.

But with a hype as big as that of The Simpsons Movie, the question remains: "Will it be awesome, or will it suck balls?" This is a very important question, and I hope the answer is the former. But it's hard to know sometimes how things will turn out.

As for the show, so many references have been made already by my colleagues, and I feel that I need to add some of my favorites as well:

* "How did you take off your underwear without taking off your pants?" - Bart, to Grandpa

* "Who are you?"- Mr. Burns
"Mr. Burns!" - Homer
"No, I'm Mr. Burns. Who are YOU?" - MB
"I don't know..." - H

* "What's going on back there, Unitarians?" - Homer

* "Dad, Mom won't let me read Hagar the Horrible." - Bart
"But it isn't funny!" - Marge, background.

* "Oh, here's your problem - this doll's set on EVIL." - Maintenance man, Tree House of Horror

* "If your dad goes ga-ga, you just use that shinin' of yours to call me and I'll come a' running. But DON'T be reading my mind between four and five. That's Willy's time!" - Groundskeeper Willy



I could go on, but I won't because if you're reading this you (A) already know all of these quotes and/or (B) don't really give a shit. Either way, this post is over. I need to get some non drug induced sleep.

*Ed. Note: Damn tubes cleaned up early! Those who did too good of a job have also been sacked.

Tampax Has Discovered Cardboard Technology! (And Other Marevels of the Modern World...)

I'm sure many of you WDR fans are still reeling from our non-stop break-neck postarama this last weekend. I know, there have been a lot of posts lately, and you're probably trying desperately to catch up so as not to be left behind on the current news and trends. For instance, I am currently not wearing pants. Indeed, the Simpsons marathon effort this weekend was a rousing success that WDR has not seen since my infamous smattering of the front page in honor of our One Month Anniversary.

I know many of you are tired of hearing about this, and have just sifted through days of insightful Simpsons commentary, discussion, and memorabilia from Mr. Zhuang and I. I'm afraid Nic Ouzo failed to meet his quota and has been disciplined with a temporary ban effective through Sunday, July 30. There is just one last musing I have to make on The Simpsons Movie, and I will make it brief so I may get to the more pressing matters, as well as those topically linked with the title of this post that probably enticed you to read this.

So, for The Simpsons. I cannot really say my piece much more eloquently than Mr. Ouzo did on Friday. Mr. Zhuang and I's posts were simply carrying on the same theme, naturally with some different favorite quotes. For instance, I happen to be a Sea Captain enthusiast, so as you no doubt noticed my posts were punctuated incessantly with "Yars." I also enjoy thrusting in the direction of a quality poke at our education system and health standards... so I'm sure I included "Grade F: Mostly Circus Animal, Some Filler" ... Mr. Zhuang of course has no sense of humor... but as the token person of ethnic-looking persuasion in our group, he has been known to defend his beliefs with a stern "Please do not offer my god a peanut."

Anywho, I still haven't seen the movie yet. I'm not listening to or reading anything about it, because I want it to be a surprise. The pig advertisements have been a little worrisome, but I know that if anyone can pull off a movie somehow centering around a person becoming enamored with a pig, it's The Simpsons. However, my naive hope is that they have retained their episode pseudo-formula where the intro has little or nothing to do with the rest of the episode, and the pig business resides there.

Enough of The Simpsons... On with the show!


I know that our female counterparts out there in the world are always complaining about being held back by a male dominated society. Honestly, I always thought they were just whining, or maybe it was just "that time of the month" ... if you know what I mean... (I mean their vaginas bleed. Seriously, I'm not making this up.) ... However a recent ad I caught sparked a sudden realization about how repressed our women really are. I am sad to report that the more boob-ed of our species are severely behind the times due to our chauvinistic stranglehold on the workplace:


That's right, women have just discovered Cardboard technology! This may come as a shock to many of our male readers, most of whom have been aware of the wonders of cardboard for quite some time. After all, cardboard is one of the staples of modern male existence. Cardboard is the transporter of Hot Pockets, the.... oh hell, let's just admit it... Cardboard tubes were the original method of male enhancement.
I can hardly imagine a world without cardboard. Multiple layers of paper would be necessary to contain a product; or plastic, or wood, or cloth, or metal. It would be madness.

Women, on behalf of men everywhere, I would like to apologize for keeping the magic that is cardboard secret for all this time. If I had known that thick, sometimes-corrugated, paper technology was of such great importance to you, I would have made it my personal mission to divulge the secrets of cardboard myself.

On behalf of all men, please accept my apologies, and I beg of you... if there is anything... anything else that has been kept from you women, please let me know. I am always up for giving women something new and exciting to put put in their vaginas.

P.S. I swear I know the guy in this picture, and he is an enormous jackass... In case I'm wrong, I'd like to say the following to the actual guy pictured:

I'm sorry for mistaking you for someone I knew; also, you look like an enormous jackass.




In other news, I have been enjoying the new stream of ads from the amorphous "Oil and Natural Gas Industry" ... It's kinda like those pro-milk or pro-cheese ads; sure, there are tons of brands all competing with each other for their market, but why not pool countless dollars into advertising for a product 99% of the world is going to buy either way? ... Sure, some of these ads have a more viable point, like demonizing legislation intended to prevent future price-gouging and fake shortage scares, but at this point who's even keeping track?

I would just like to say one thing about these ads: It's about time. That's right. I'm glad they've finally made a point of emphasizing the people of America's Oil and Natural Gas Industry. Frankly, I think they should have done it years ago. It was a huge mistake to let the Hideous Blood-Thirsty Spacemonster of America's Oil and Natural Gas Industry hog their advertising spotlight for so many years. So I say to you, low-sulfur truck driver man, kudos to you. Your fuel that is indeed ever-so-slightly less polluting when combusted in your engine never ceases to brighten my day, and we'll all just sweep that whole "takes nearly twice the energy to refine" business under the rug. At least I don't have to see that two-faced, seven-assed, monstrosity with its bloodshot eyes and seemingly endless supply of blood, oil, semen, and holy water flowing from every orifice advertising my friends from the Oil and Natural Gas Industry any longer. I mean honestly, how can you put such an evil face on these companies? They only let those Californian folk suffer for the good of our national economy, and it would've worked too if it weren't for those meddling... oh wait, they just fucked up and got caught because they became so outrageously greedy.



Oil is indeed thicker than blood. The US seems to be hemorrhaging both. Maybe we should invest in some cardboard technology of our own to plug up those leaks.

Up and At Them!

It's probably best we start off with the Boring and Redundant in our celebration (it only makes sense, plus I have a 3-hour head start on the rest of the WDR crew). What makes this post especially Boring and Redundant? Well, the fact that I'm going to take the funniest thing ever created in the last 20 years and attempt to reflect on its impact--something that is being done simultaneously by millions of other would-be writers (and other no-talent asshats in general). Killing two birds with one stone, folks.

I'll start with a personal story. For years I was not allowed to watch any TV at all during the week. Of course I compensated for this by generally spending 98% of my waking hours between Friday afternoon and Monday morning enraptured by the wondrous glow of the television, but the fact still remains that I went sans TV for a good part of my childhood. Not that I complain--it probably made me ten times the student that I would have been otherwise. It wasn't until years later that I was conceded one hour of TV watching per night.



Of course there was no question as to how I would spend that precious hour--I would use it up completely watching the daily reruns of The Simpsons. What's even more amazing was that I had banned from watching that program for years due to its "inappropriate content". It was only because my mom one day caught a glimpse of the brilliant satire--the line went something like "America has the best health care in the world!...behind Canada, France, England, Costa Rica, Russia, Guatemala..."

The Simpsons then would become an integral part of my persona. Yes, that looks awfully pathetic now that I see it writing, but its the truth. Its style of humor shaped my own sense of humor, as it did for countless others of our generation. We appreciated its irony, its absurdity, and its candor. It was the complete package. It would provide the perfect answer to anything that happened in your life. Raining outside? "Lousy Smarch weather". Something is disappointing you? "Worst. Episode. Ever." Make a grammatical error? "Me fail English? That's unpossible." Confronted with a ridiculous proposition? "Marge, I agree with you--in theory. In theory, Communism works. In theory." You've just triumphed over a space coyote? "In your face, Space Coyote!"



The Simpsons touch on everything from government ("I'll say it once, and I'll say it again--democracy simply doesn't work!") to religion ("I'm not normally a religious man, but if you're up there, save me Superman!") to our education system ("That’s why I love elementary school, Edna. The children believe anything you tell them"). They've covered everything so thoroughly, that South Park made an entire episode about it--The Simpsons Did It! (a completely unoriginal point, but still true). When people look back to and study our culture hundreds of years from now, they could save themselves a lot of time and watch a good portion of the Simpsons's run. Plus anyone who's read this post has to love it when Homer taunts a group of Turks with "Come back here, you Cyprus-splitting jerks!"

So this is why we're giddy with anticipation over this movie. Sure, they've insulted my alma mater on multiple occasions ("Trick Pouring, which can be taken for credit at Dartmouth College!" and "I'll be drinking like a Dartmouth Boy"--not too bad at all, considering the digs they get in at Brown and Princeton (Otto nearly got tenure there and being a "clown college", respectively)). Sure, they've passed their creative peak, but we're still guaranteed a good laugh. Sometimes pointless nostalgia can have a point.



Now that I've said my piece, I'm going to go watch the hour of Simpsons reruns on TV now and drink. Because alcohol is the cause of--and solution--to many of life's problems!

Today Is the Greatest Day of My Life (Besides Whacking Day)

Like many red-blooded Americans, we here at WDR are Simpsons geeks, dorks, nerds, degenerates, etc. Our speech is often filled with random Simpsons quotes which we use as half-assed attempts at insight and humor, in order to mask many of our numerous inadequacies (and believe us, there are many inadequacies). We owe them a great debt which is physically and legally impossible to repay.

So today we celebrate the release of The Simpsons Movie with open arms. Though we have come to an agreement not to actually see the film until I triumphantly return once again to the West Coast, we celebrate today regardless (plus, Mr. Zhuang is unlikely to uphold the agreement, so it doesn't really matter anyway). Today This weekend we will each put up posts that exalt the greatness of the finest program to ever grace our moving-pictures box that will probably range from the incredibly boring and redundant (my post) to the insightful (Zhuang's) to the deliciously zany (Reefer's).

To get you into the spirit, perhaps one should peruse the list of "The 20 Most Cromulent Simpsons Episodes" created at DeadOn..., where I am a lapsed contributor, or prepare yourself with a list of helpful Simpsons quotes courtesy of The A.V. Club.



Gentlemen, Start your whacking!