WDR's One Month Anniversary of course shares its esteemed date with another joyous event... No, I'm not talking about the Turkish Invasion of Cyprus; I am of course talking about THE NEW HARRY POTTER OMGsus!!!
For those of you unaware of what I am talking about, The new novel in the Harry Potter series, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, goes on sale tonight. Of course, we at WDR received an advance copy weeks ago, courtesy of JK Rowling. As the resident literate here at WDR, it has of course been my job to dive into this tomb and divulge its juicy molten core. I must say, like a mother railing against a wildly ignorant spouse who mistakenly touched the refrigerator, THERE ARE SPOILERS BELOW - - HOWEVER, for you loyal readers torn between your allegiance to WDR and HP (which for some reason just reminds me of a venereal disease now that I think about it,) I will provide a service for you. I will separate out the spoilers between paragraphs so you pure-bred readers won't get spoiled... As many of you know, this Harry Potter reached a historical record for most actual working titles, so I will also preface a spoiler with one of the many working titles for the novel. When you see one of these working titles, simply skip the next sentence or paragraph and you'll be safe! ONWARD!
Working Title #1: Harry Potter and the Deafly Hollows
Spoiler: Coming as a complete shock to most readers, Harry Potter discovers that the villain he has been battling throughout almost every novel probably has come back or something.
JK Rowling has presented us with yet another masterpiece of English Literature. She will truly go down as one of the greats: Shakespeare... uh... JK Rowling... ... Jane Austen? - Fuck, what am I saying, I should wash my mouth out with soap just for thinking that name. Either way, this woman has inspired a whole generation to read; not something to sneeze at given the times. However, with every positive aspect in media there is of course an enormous writhing drawback. I am of course speaking of the hordes of rabid fans that swarm every forthcoming Potter release like so many ants upon discovery of a sugary drop that has escaped from a
now-crying child's ice cream cone. The difference of course, is that rather than being able to lift 10-times their own weight, these folks instead possess the ability to read at -10 years their age. Fan issues aside, I praise JK Rowling for giving the kids something to do with their time that will prepare them for the rest of their lives... mechanically moving their eyes left-to-right and of course up-and-down, Reaching for their wallet in a near-Pavlovian response to a new marketing campaign, and of course assuming they will be able to walk through that pillar at the bus stop... even if they really know they can't, it will be a nice escape from their jobs bagging groceries or operating a pet-washing machine.Working Title #2: Harry Potter and the Dependable Childhood Audience
Spoiler: That girl character you hear people talking about? you know, the one that's not the one you see in the previews... the other one? Yeah. Turns out you were right, they are the same person.
This new chapter in our favorite series finds our characters furthering their long-established predicament. Harry Potter, an unimaginatively named Ceramicist, struggles with an inability to grow a beard due to his raging Alopecia Areata... a lesser-known side effect of prolonged exposure to moist clay. Trust me, that chick from Ghost suffered from it; that's why you never heard from her after that movie. Ghost was actually a surprisingly violent movie. I mean, there's that scene at the end where the bad guy gets stabbed through the torso with a broken window pane. Who expects that when they're watching it the first time? It comes out of nowhere.
Working Title #3: Harry Potter and the I'm Still Writing These?
Spoiler: You outgrew this series 10 years ago, and will die alone.
Of course, what Mr. Potter doesn't know is that a rare side-effect of Alopecia Areata is vivid hallucinations, and as such he continues his journey as a wizard juggling the mundane with amazing confrontations with the most evil nemesis of the imaginary magic world his feverish brain dreams up. His empowered female cohort, Hermione... another unimaginative phonetically-named character stemming from Rowling's rampant lesbian tendencies while under the influence of Ecstasy... is apparently not his girlfriend. I just learned that the other day... Did you know there are characters in these books that you haven't seen in the previews for the movies? - I didn't.
Working Title #4: Harry Potter and the Unspeakable Shame
Spoiler: I'm getting tired of this review.
Blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah. Blah blah-blah blah blah blah? - Blah. Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah. BLAH blah blah, blah blah blah... blah blah blah blah... Blah blah blah blah blah-blah blah blah.
Working Title #5: Harry Potter and the Reason Your Girlfriend Isn't Doing Something With You On A Friday Night
Spoiler: Ah fuck it... Let's do this thing, shall we? I've been waiting too many years...
Harry Potter and the Childhood Delusions of Grandeur
Harry Potter and the Pirates of the Ring
Harry Potter and the Lucrative Franchise
Harry Potter and the Joke Title I Stole From My Friend
Harry Potter and the Thriving Child Pornography Industry
Harry Potter and the Repeated Joke Title
Harry Potter and the Latest in a Long Line of Excuses Your Girlfriend Uses Not to Sleep with You
Harry Potter and the Actually, Now That I Think About it... She Does Spend A Lot of Time Reading
Harry Potter and the Those Books and Watching Those Movies... It Had Better Not All Be an Excuse
Harry Potter and the To Wait for Me to Go to Sleep So She Doesn't Have To Put Out...
Harry Potter and the That Bitch!
Harry Potter and the Schizophrenic Fantasy That Gets You Through Middle School
Harry Potter and the Hole You Threw Your Money Into
Harry Potter and the Why Does Dad Touch Me At Night?
Harry Potter and the Something Something
Harry Potter and the Capitalist's Wet Dream
Harry Potter and the Way You Forgot Mixed Fractions
Harry Potter and the Future Source of All Celebrity Drug Abuse
Harry Potter and the Name Of This Book
Harry Potter and the Gimmick That Wouldn't Die
Harry Potter and the Cruisin' For A Bruisin'
Harry Potter and the Hey, Brian's IMing me!
Harry Potter and the Thing To Distract Girls With So They Don't Learn Math
Harry Potter and the I Could Go On
Harry Potter and the But I Think This is the
Harry Potter and the End of This Post
No comments:
Post a Comment