One man, in a race against time...

...will risk it all to learn the TRUTH.


Movies are fun. What can be even more fun is watching previews, especially if the actual movie blows it out the ass. Last night I went to see the box office sensation Superbad, and I had a lot of fun with the previews (and the movie itself was awesome).

One in particular was for National Treasure 2: Book Of Secrets. Yes, a second one. Now it was about what I expected until they mentioned the "Presidential Book of Secrets." I figured "Hey, this is some attempt to entertain and make money." I had no idea that they would bring up something with some historical value. WOW!

Those who are confused have obviously not studied their US history. If you had, you would know that there is a leather bound book of presidential secrets. It's in the White House and only the privileged get to know about it. I learned about it when I spoke to a congressional panel about the environmental and economic impacts of increasing Corporate Average Fuel Economy standards (something, by the way, that they did not understand at all). As a special guest, I was given they VIP tour of the Capitol and the White House. To make a long story slightly shorter, I read some passages of this tome.

What I tell you now may, and probably should shock you. If I should go missing, you'll know who did it. Read at your own risk. Oh, and I found this when I searched "national treasure book of secrets" on Google. See that at your own risk too.


John F. Kennedy

This secret should put to rest all of the crazy assassination conspiracy bullshit. The fact is that Kennedy himself was behind the assassination. Confused? It turns out that Kennedy didn't have much time left on this Earth due to several ailments. Instead of leaving office and dying outside the public eye, Kennedy decided he would be best remembered if his death was a national tragedy with all sorts of confusing elements. "People will make all sorts of films about me and I'll live forever." Well put, Sir.


William J. Clinton

Former President Clinton killed people before he was president. You may be saying "so wait - those idiots of the right wing were right?" No, they aren't. They say that Clinton had acquaintances of his killed. Clinton was too smart to actually do that. Instead, Clinton was responsible for the Zodiac murders in the Bay Area in the 1970s. The spelling errors in the letters were used as a red herring. Seems to have worked, hasn't it?


Warren G. Harding

Harding had a child with his mistress. Oh wait, that's not actually a secret.


Chester A. Arthur

President Arthur had a pants fetish. Most saw it as being some sort of obsessive compulsive thing, but it wasn't. The man had a sinister lust for pants.


Calvin Coolidge

Gay.


Ronald Reagan

He actually hated that damn monkey.


Benjamin Franklin

Not President. Still, he wrote that he boned Martha Washington. No wonder George wasn't smiling...


James Madison and James Monroe

Actually the same person.


George H.W. Bush

Loves gangsta rap.


Abraham Lincoln

Actually built the house he was born in. Also built the first time machine. Turns out that going back in time actually does change the future.


Thomas Jefferson

Had a Mexican kid, too. Wild nights in Cabo.




There's more, but I don't think it would be wise to keep going. I've said too much already...