First off, I want to state that neither I, or anyone in the WDR crew, condone date-rape. It is a terrible crime with repercussions that last far beyond the healing of physical scars. Anyone who participates in such actions is a deplorable human being.
That being said, what happened to Mr. Zhuang was pretty damn highlarious.
The story begins during our epic road trip to SoCal. (Oh you haven't heard about this? Clearly you're not one of our regular readers, but instead came here in hopes of necrophilia/tentacle rape porn.) We had met up with an acquaintance of the WDR crew, and were regaling her with tales of our usual drunken shenanigans and epic stupidity. Mr. Zhuang was in the middle of recounting one such incident, one that we had heard before on multiple occasions. Except for one new wrinkle that he threw in that shocked us all.
If the Zhuang would appreciate it, he can recount the main tale itself here--just set off some blockquotes and go nuts. Otherwise, I'll attempt to do a somewhat passable attempt (though I do not give it justice). I remember it was the day before St. Patrick's Day, when Winter Term was about over for Zhuang. And that he had ended up at some random house party, already wasted out of his gourd. Shortly after his arrival, the cops had come to break up the party (because, you know, they're THAT kind of fascist pig). However, Mr. Zhuang was undeterred--he had come to this house to make use of the restroom facilities, and make use he did! While all the hijinks was being carried on downstairs, Zhuang successfully completed his mission, then left the house without arousing any suspicion of the invading lawmen. It was then that Zhuang realized he must return to his "dormicile" (haHA!), and after being re-oriented to the proper direction by a good upstanding citizen, he goofily ran his way back home.
That was pretty much the story as Joe and I knew it. When he got home, he was in quite the state of disrepair, and was aided to safety by one of his friendly neighborettes. Sounds fine. No big deal. But Zhuang had neglected to mention one detail until now.
He had gone to bed fully clothed, on top of the sheets.
He woke up naked, under the covers.
[pause for gasps of shock]
Apparently, one of his neighborettes was concerned that Zhuang would be unable to fulfill his need to be tucked-in thoroughly. And she took it upon herself to immediately rectify this situation, as she undressed him while he was practically unconscious. And put him under the covers. And yet Zhuang is certain that she did not have her way with him.
We call bullshit. There. Shenanigans (and bullshit) have officially been declared.
So Mr. Zhuang was date-raped. We understand his desire to not reveal much about the situation and his unwillingness to mention it to us sooner, but we felt it was best to get this story out in the open. Now you will all realize that you are dealing with a much more fragile person than would appear at first glance. Remember this as you proceed to deal with the Zhuang in the future.
As for me, I show up a few hours later ready to party for St. Patrick's Day, but instead spent most of the night being told about the horrors of cheap Montego Bay Rum (and it is indeed horrible--it very much smells like pure gasoline). But now I understand Zhuang's withdrawn demeanor much more, and wish him the best in his recovery. Salud, my friend.
2 comments:
The only thing missing from this post is a full recount of how violently and angrily Mr. Zhuang refuted the obvious date rape incident.
He argued against having been date raped long and hard... the longness presumably being proportional to the length of the date rape, though given his state of inebriation I find the hardness being proportional highly unlikely.
However, it was hilarious that after literally hours of arguing the obvious, the only defense he could muster was "she would be so loud everyone would have known" ... now regardless of whether or not this is true, it's not the kind of argument you bring up so late in the game (or even early in the game) because it just makes you sound like you're desperately grasping for straws. Made up. The "she makes too much noise" defense/brag is both overdone, AND entirely unbelievable as a defense. I'm sorry, Zhuangy, you'll have to do better than that.
Indeed, I don't really have much else to add to this or try to refute it. My arguments don't sound very good, but it's the truth.
There was more irritation with the frequency of the allegations than the allegations themselves. Honestly, Joe was really reaching with some of the jokes (and I know he can do better). But when the jokes became less frequent and more funny, I let it go (I even referenced it myself, wouldn't ya know).
Oh, and Nic forgot to mention that during this whole event I was clothed in red bell-bottoms, a white shirt and aviator sunglasses.
Oh, and I'll never touch Montego Bay again.
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