Don't Just Do Something, Sit Around Instead

Yeah, that's right, I've been lazy about putting up a new post. As all of WDR's more avid fans know, my weekends are often busy with the lady-folk. Or fighting Ann Coulter in The Octagon. I suppose one would think that either scenario would qualify as "busy with the lady-folk", but that would make one a raving idiot unable to discern the female form from that of a crazed long-palmed space monster bent on world domination. Or, as seen to the right, possibly just regular domination. We may never know for sure.

Anyway, what I've brought you all here to talk about today is probably one of the greatest horror movies of all time. I know, that title probably will illicit quite a few different movies from different readers. I assure you that you are wrong, and I am in fact right. After all, my opinions earned me an internet blog. They don't just give these things away, and rightly so... the internet would be full of useless bullshit and desperate teenagers pedaling pornography on their sites/accounts/t-shirts just for the boost in views if they let just anyone use the internet. Where was I? Oh, right, the greatest horror movie of all time. For most of you, this post will be an exercise in futility as you have already seen this masterpiece of cinema and know the true glory and potential of the horror genre; you can stop reading now if you wish, the rest of this blog will be redundant for you. However, for the rest of you readers, venture forth into the realm of imagination!

Those of you that haven't experienced the full potential of horror, are of course clueless to what masterpiece I've been going on about. I'll let you in on the secret... I have of course been talking about House. No, not the brilliant T.V. show about the surly, vicodin-popping doctor with the cane who goes through the classic "You almost die, I treat you, that brings you back long enough to almost die again, I make it worse, then bring you back to life just in time to make fun of you for wearing a tacky tie" formula. God I love that show. I wonder what name he's going to call the gay doctor next episode (those readers of the Wayne Diego Report reading from Great Britain may replace the word 'gay' with 'British' at their discretion.) Regardless, the House I am talking about is far more sinister., for it is 1986's masterpiece by the genius director Steve Minor.

I think imdb's User Comments summary actually sums the film up quite well. As Mr. Kevin Rossignal put it, "What can I say about house... A classic." Now, one might think a question mark would be necessary for employing the classic 'probe and response' gambit of cinema critique, but Mr. Rossignal's genius and lack of capitalization will allow me to see past this seeming slip. For more of Mr. Rossignal's in depth revue and criticism, simply check out imdb's User Comments section and read his post entitled "Great moive!"

Moving on. This film truly captures what horror is meant to be. Robert Cobb, a Vietnam vet and horror author, moves into his aunt's house after her death for some reason. As it turns out, his aunt had been thought crazy for much of her life for proclaiming the house to be haunted. Then, the movie reveals that Cobb's son had been kidnapped by the house during a visit to his... [uh... whatever relation it is when you're talking about your dad's aunt...] Of course the premise that a woman completely convinced that her house was haunted and had malicious intent towards any inhabitants would allow her.... [whatever relation it is when you're talking about your nephew's son...] to come visit is totally asinine, but let the movie slide on this one... trust me, it's worth it.

Of course the horror doesn't stop there. See, this house isn't just your normal Amityville knockoff. Oh, no! This house achieves an entirely new level of horror. This house attacks its inhabitants with crazy psychotropic hallucinations! Sometimes people you know, that nearly trick you into offing yourself. Sometimes.... well, basically that elephant hunter dude from Jumanji comes after you, I'll leave it at that. Actually, now that I think about it this movie is a lot like Jumanji, but without the game, or the magic escaping the house, or Robin Williams. Oh, also it has this thing...
Well hello to you too!

I think that really is all I have to say about that. See this movie, if you dare! What is probably the most brilliant aspect of this film, is that AMC always manages to air it at just the right time so that I'm sure to fall asleep during it. That's right, I've never seen the end of this movie. You might think this would be problematic, as I am writing this review of it, but I assure you it is not. See, falling asleep during this movie is absolutely perfect. I highly recommend it; just don't sleep through the important parts... (Actually, nevermind, go ahead.) See, the brilliance is that just as Robert Cobb in the house is unsure what is real and what is secretly trying to kill him, I am similarly unsure what actually happens in this movie, or what I have simply dreamed. Although the internet confirms existence of this thing...So, I'll just leave you with that. Enjoy. See this movie. Also, apparently there are sequels. Movie Marathon material anyone? (You know who you are)