Chef Tyler Florence Can Do Some Crazy Shit With Top Ramen!

Much of our work here at WDR revolves around watching television for "research purposes" (this is how we can claim our cable bill as a tax deduction). As a part of our strenuous research, we encounter numerous television commercials, which range from the mildly entertaining to the "oh my god those brain cells are never going to come back variety" (see our newly updated Vendettas section for an example). We suffer through these gladly as a small price to pay for watching such glorious programs as Once Upon A Hamster.

But there is one commercial that has drawn my subtle contempt. It's the new ad campaign for Applebee's, in which they've tied their fortune to the talents of apparent celebrity chef Tyler Florence in an attempt to appeal to more upscale consumers (detailed economic analysis could be inserted here, but won't). I have no clue if he's actually famous or not, since I avoid the Food Network on principle (I simply don't understand the point--why the hell would I want to watch food? You EAT food, dammit, and until we have the technology that allows us to take the prepared food and actually eat it, I ain't messing with the channel). I'll assume he's kind-of-a-big-deal, even if I do not have proof of his ownership of many leather-bound books.



With this partnership dealy, Applebee's asked Chef Tyler Florence to come up with some snazzy dishes that they can unload upon us, and the new ad campaign spotlights these. So what is the dish that required the genius of Chef Tyler Florence?

*A New York Strip steak (a good cut, but nothing out of the ordinary)
*"Steakhouse" Onion Rings (read: onion rings)
*"Hearts of Romaine" appetizer salad (read: lettuce + tomato)

And that's it. Read that description once again. No, you did not overlook anything. The man created a goddamn steak and onion rings with side vegetables dish. In other words, nothing special. AT ALL. But dammit, it's a Chef Tyler Florence creation! The one that's the focus of a multi-million dollar ad campaign! And it's not as if there's anything special elsewhere--the "Aloha Burger" is the same burger as the one that Joe Reefer consumes on a fortnightly basis, the Banzai Burger, for example.



Thinking about this caused me to wonder what else Chef Tyler Florence should "put a spin" on. Here's what I came up with:

- Elbow Macaroni With Melted Cheddar Cheese (read: Mac & Cheese)
- Cola-based non-gelatinous beverage with a clear Puerto Rican liquor (read: Rum & Coke)
- The Non-Horsed Cart (read: Horseless Carriage or a Ford Gremlin)

I should have mentioned that I decided to floss instead of actually thinking about a funny list. A warning would've been good like that. Hopefully the other dudes hanging around here at WDR come up with something better.

The point is...it is wrong to take advantage of cattle. Good night.