What're You Cacklin' At, Fatty? Too Much Pie, That's Your Problem

This is an urgent health update from WDR.

For all WDR's loyal followers, we have all noticed a terrifying trend. Yes, you know what I'm talking about, and as WDR's thinnest member, I felt it would be unfair to our readership to not divulge our full knowledge of the facts.

The rumors are true. There is no denying it. The secrecy must end. Reading WDR does in fact make you fat. It's proven. I'm sorry. For those of you already experiencing symptoms, I'm afraid it is too late. As detailed in a brilliant new, totally non-ridiculous, scientific study published in the New England Journal of Medicine, Obesity is indeed contagious. The study confirms that distance also plays no part in the stranglehold of this generation's fiercest opponent since Al Qaeda, or Commie: the Super Condom.

Every minute you spend reading this publication, you are in proven scientific fact becoming fatter and fatter. The unfortunate irresistibility of our hard-hitting to-the-point overly-informative dash-laden informa-commentary leaves no escape from our readers - if you read us, we will become a significant influence and role model; you could call us a friend. This would normally be fine, except that as the study shows, this wonderful fulfilling friendship will surely doom you to a life of obesity, and as high school surely taught you: Nobody likes the fat kid. Except of course for my modest colleague Mr. Ouzo, and WDR's fattest contributer: Mr. Zhuang. These two seemed to do just fine. In fact, come to think of it, I'm the thin one and I had no friends whatsoever. What's up with that? I think someone's fudging some numbers here, and I'm going to get to the bottom of it!


That investigation was both delicious and informative. You see, it turns out that the obesity scare in our country boils down to just a few silly little things:

1. STOP EATING SO GOD DAMNED MUCH

2. HEY, WHY DON'T YOU TRY MOVING AROUND A LITTLE?

3. TYPICALLY, IF SOMEONE HAS TO POUR MORE MONEY INTO CONVINCING YOU TO EAT THEIR PRODUCT THAN THEY SPEND MAKING IT, YOU SHOULDN'T EAT IT

4. TOO MANY INDUSTRIES THRIVE ON NATIONAL OBESITY BECAUSE CAPITALISM DOES A SHIT JOB DEALING WITH HEALTH.

Let me break down that last one for you there... Pharmaceuticals love obesity. There's a limitless potential for weight-loss drugs that they can sell to you, and since eating habits are such a fundamental element of human life it is really hard to effectively mandate preventative measures against obesity. Let's face it, the food that's the worst for you tastes the best - so when fast food and soda companies buy out your school system and require only their products be allowed to be sold on the premise... yeah, the kids are going to buy it. Let's not forget that if you can slip a couple addictive substances in there too, like say... caffeine... you'll easily keep a steady stream of profit coming your way. Oddly enough, the only industry that doesn't seem to like fat people is the insurance industry. If they have their way, pretty soon you won't even get covered anymore if you're overweight... oh! but wait! There's an easy solution for that too... That's right, they figured out they could charge you more if you're overweight! The problem inherent in all of this discussion is of course that in our wonderful capitalist country, there is no economic incentive to promote healthy eating habits, and so the feeble attempts at social outreach are drowned out by 24/7 McDonald's ads and an education institution owned by Pepsi.

So for those of you keeping score... just by reading this article you have submitted to a life of obesity, higher insurance premiums, caffeine addictions, weight-loss drugs, and regardless of what combination of the above cause it... congestive heart failure. I don't know about you, but I'm hoping those scientists discover a new pill for folks like you! If I were you, I'd start digging in my back yard right about now. I'm pretty sure that's where they found Alli, and let me tell you, that stuff is worth a few public defecations.