A Series of Texts: On the MacBook Air

The media just loves everything that Apple (Inc.) does these days, as evidenced by the breathless hype that surrounds every product lunch (holy shit, it's a phone you can touch! Fuck me sideways with a lunchbox, Carolyn, because I gotta dish out 600 bucks for a slow-ass phone!). Not that I have a grudge against the company--they have quite the flair for aesthetic values, and are generally good about making things easy-to-use. I mean, who am I to begrudge a company whose most popular product is prone to random massive failings that require sending it back every 8 months for repairs, and has no media attention to problems like these? That's just being petty.



So it's no surprise that there was the usual hoopla surrounding the announcement of the latest Apple innovation, the ultra-light laptop anointed MacBook Air. Joe Reefer and I were such fans of this absolutely necessary step in technology, that while watching a commercial for the product, we engaged in A Series of Texts. Haha, it's the return of a beloved WDR staple!

Much in the spirit of a game I used to play with Dr. Von Bookman, we came up with some alternate taglines for this FABULOUS NEW PRODUCT. Hopefully, these will prove to be as memorable as "Curious George Engages In A Knife Fight" or "Harry Potter and the Hands-y Gym Teacher" (Note: These are a poor approximation of what was once brilliant humor. Hopefully this will give you at least a partial idea of the genius that was the original joke.)

Nic Ouzo: The MacBook Air: Because I need a laptop that I can fling across the room like a frisbee.
Joe Reefer: Because i want to give myself a papercut while i look up porn at the airport.
Nic Ouzo: Because I want more fragile electronics in my life.
Joe Reefer: Because i can fold it up and put it in my pocket and tell girls 'it's not that i'm happy to see you, it's that i have an expensive new macbook air in my pocket'
Nic Ouzo: Because I need a computer that I can use to slit my throat after it informs me that my stocks have crashed.
Nic Ouzo: Why is the laptop in your pocket?
Joe Reefer: Because I am compensating for my small penis with this enormous laptop.
Nic Ouzo: I thought the laptop's selling point was that it was small.
Joe Reefer: Let me explain jokes to you. You see......
Nic Ouzo: The MacBook Air: Because I need a computer I can easily lose between the seats in my car.
Nic Ouzo: I like jokes.

Well, I'm sure that Apple's ad company is sure to mine this short brainstorm session for some ideas. But then again, after all, who needs advertising when you're selling a computer without a disk drive? I mean, everything is downloaded these days! I cannot see this failing.