Things That Need To End Immediately

Though I am not an old man, I am a crotchety bastard. In other words, things piss me off. What follows is a short list of things that are currently irritating the fuck out of me.

1. Furniture Stores using Funk Songs with new lyrics This is currently the bane of my existence. The worst offender is a commercial for Wicke's Furniture Warehouse that uses a remade version of The Commodores' "Brick House". You can imagine what the lyrical substitution is (hint: it's not using 'brick', but instead the name of the furniture establishment!). Another commercial that is nearly as annoying is one with a version of "Superfreak". It's so awful that I don't even feel like dispensing with the usual Rick James joke. Yes, we saw Little Miss Sunshine, we get it! Moving on...


2. 5 am If you're awake at 3 am, that just means it's a good party. If it's 4 am, at least you're probably going home, and you still have some time for some decent sleep. If it's 5 am and you're awake, you're actually waking up because you have some shit you can't afford to avoid. I found myself in this position last Saturday (taking the folks to the airport). From now on, I move to banish 5 am.


3. Things labeled "Bakery Fresh" that are not either fresh or come from a bakery Allow me to channel my inner-Linda Richman for just a moment. I enjoy Wheat Thins quite a bit. Yes, I understand the irony of the fat guy enjoying a product with "Thins" in the title; yes I realize that eating more of these will not in fact solve my weight problem. I recently purchased a box, and there was a seal across the top that read "BAKERY FRESH!". Now I asked myself, what was the last time you went to the bakery and ordered a fresh set of Wheated Thins? And that doesn't even get into the "freshness" part of the deal.

That being said, tomorrow night is Tuesday night, which means on thing for my dinner meal: Wheat Thins and Scotch. This week's selection: Chivas Regal, aged 18 years. I'm feeling fancy!


4. Justin Timberlake's attempts to make me like him First, from his appearances on SNL, he seems like a generally funny guy. But this past weekend, he did something that is very much appreciated in these quarters. When accepting various tin Moonmen at the VMA's, he pleaded for MTV to "play more videos!" Not just once, but twice. This was the greatest bitchslap that MTV had received since Jack Black said something similar at the last VMA's.

But then again, the motherfucker was in 'NSync. It's going to take years of service to work off THAT debt to society.