As a fan of the LSU Tigers, I feel we must apologize to America for our performance on Saturday. We were all touched by the Virginia Tech tragedy, and so I understand how everyone who was not a Louisiana resident/LSU alumnus would have been united in rooting for the Hokies. Instead, the Tigers thoroughly destroyed the Virginia Tech team in all facets of the game, and did it without mercy*. This may rub people the wrong way, so I just want to take this opportunity to ask the rest of America to please not hate us.
Why shouldn't you hate LSU? Well, for one, it is the alma mater of former Playmate Devin DeVasquez, who played The Virgin in House II: The Second Story. Do I mention this because I just saw this movie this weekend on AMC, and features the greatest non sequitor in cinema history? (There it is. Looks like you've got some kind of alternate universe in there or something.) Yes. And I'm sure this makes up for also being the alma mater of Mr. Crawfish-Alien. And for the guy that brought you Ocean's Twelve (though Traffic still remains totally badass). And everyone loves Better Than Ezra!
You also can't hate a school that makes tailgating a way of life. As noted in the ESPN coverage, many fans park the RVs in the parking lot outside the stadium, with no intention whatsoever of actually venturing into the stadium, and instead drink copious amounts of alcoholic fluids and eat tasty Cajun cuisine from the comfort of a lawn chair (though it was not mentioned that the process begins Wednesday night/Thursday afternoon, when the campers first start staking their parking claims). Yes, we're just that redneck/don't have important jobs. You can't hate that!
Instead, why don't we hate someone more worthwhile. Like Fred Thompson, who thinks that the massacre would have been prevented if students were able to carry weapons into the classroom. Yeah, I really feel safe taking that 10 am Econ class with the guy I just saw do a kegstand last night packing heat right next to me, carrying that 9mm in his backpack between his Human Sexuality and Biology texts. That's freaking brilliant.
I guess I shouldn't be worried about this, however. I mean, I don't remember a massive movement against the University of Tennessee after they ruined LSU's return to Tiger Stadium post-Katrina. Nonetheless, I must reiterate, don't hate on LSU, America. Because what you really want is someone to take down those USC Trojans and their smug bastard of a head coach. And with the Sugar Bowl being the designated championship bowl, there's no chance LSU would lose--that crowd would not only be 60,000 drunk Cajuns, but 60,000 drunk Cajuns that are still pissed off that everybody remembers USC from 2003 instead of the BCS champion LSU Tigers. That's one hostile crowd. And admit it, you hate USC.
*Side Note: Apparently this wasn't enough for 40 AP "journalists", who instead decided to vote USC again as the number one team. These people either did not watch the game, or are so wrapped in themselves being fucking Carnac the Magnificent and will stick to their prediction that USC will come out on top. Because if they were going instead by actual performance to date, it would be clear that LSU is the team to beat.
1 comment:
Damn Condoms.
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