Mr. Zhuang Can See the Future, or something

For years, people have taken their biggest questions to one man.

"Who is my father?"
"Is there a God?"
"Why is Dick Clark still alive?"

That man is me, for some reason. And just for the record, I won't answer all of those questions directly, but just let you know that they are all connected in some way.

Why do people come to me with these questions? I'm not really sure what it is, but I think it has something to do with my sagely appearance. People think, "Hey there's some wise, old Asian guy! He must have the answers!" It doesn't really matter that I'm in my early twenties. People judge a book by it's cover.

But whatever - I'll answer your questions! I live for this shit. Here are a few questions that I received lately from some of our readers:

"Who really killed Kennedy?"

You wouldn't believe how many times I've been asked this question. Now, I know a lot of people have their theories, but you're all wrong. Here's what really happened:

Kennedy shot himself. You see, Kennedy would have gone on to produce the first time machine AND the first army of killer robots. Once he realized this, he went back in time to kill himself to spare the human race and be remembered as a decent president (instead of the founding tyrant of the robot army that would eventually destroy us all). He enlisted the help of a young James Cameron, who later "fictionalized" the story for massive profits. Also, when Kennedy shot his past self, his future self ceased to exist, as did all evidence linking him to the crime. I don't think I need to explain the whole "magic bullet" thing away, do I?

"Who will win the Superbowl this year?"

Oh, wouldn't you like to know? Oh, wait, I don't. It really sucked going all season knowing that the Patriots would be going to the Superbowl again, but whatever. Sucks to be San Diego or a Cheesehead right now (sorry dudes).

I do know, however, that Tom Brady is going to suffer a broken throwing arm right before the game. This doesn't have anything to do with my ability to see in the future. I just know that some mob guys have the thing ready to go and I've got my house riding on this game. Go Giants!

"A couple of young celebrities have died recently. Is this a trend, and if so, who's next?"

Sadly, this is true. Today we lost Heath Ledger, an actor who looks like he may be the coolest Joker in Batman history (and that's saying something). It will probably be someone with considerable charm and talent. But I hope it's Pete Wentz. That guy sucks.

"Are eggs good or bad for you?"

This has long been debated over the breakfast tables of America and I just want to set the record straight: Eggs ARE good, AND good for you. I eat them poached every morning, and I think the results speak for themselves.

"Why is Tyra Banks so hot and, at the same time, so fucking nuts?"

I think Nic Ouzo explained this in his blog when he said "(She) is an alien." Haven't you seen Species? Geez...

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Alright, that's it for now. Send in your questions and maybe I'll answer them, if they aren't too lame.