Today the United States marks a celebration of one of America’s greatest historical leaders, a man who risked life and limb to ensure the freedom of many people across this great country. A native son of the South, this great public figure refused to compromise his cause to guarantee that Americans could enjoy the freedoms promised to them by the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence. That man is the late, great, General Robert E. Lee.
I’m sorry, I was just informed that I am not in Arkansas, Alabama, or Mississippi, where Gen. Lee has a holiday the same day as some guy named Martin Luther King, Jr. In any case, it seems upon further reading that this King guy has a pretty big reputation in the rest of the country, so he’s probably due some recognition. In fact, in my own special way as a “fellow Negro,” I have joined many others in honoring Dr. King on this day by doing what I do best: sitting on a crate in my underwear wagging my wiimote to make an Italian plumber stomp the hell out of a seemingly innocent turtle (trust me, it truly is as glorious a sight as you imagine). But seeing as how some activity beyond merely moving my wrist and fingers will withhold cardiac arrest for at least another 40 hours, I have decided to prop myself up in my desk chair to discuss some of the signs of American progress in race relations, a list of events or circumstances that the great Dr. King would regard as the fruits of the Civil Rights Movement’s labor.
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The Top Ten Things Dr. King Would Have Wanted
10. Voice Chat in Halo 3
A fellow genuine chocolateface has made me aware of the online multiplayer capacities of Halo 3, technology that allows participants to communicate with each other via what I assume is the same magic operating in telephone-machines. He has also made me aware that many young men around this country, possibly ranging in age from 13 to 30, are very fond of expressing the desire that they “don’t want to play with any niggers.” My friend has had matches in which he was teamed up with someone with the clever screenname “niggerkiller666.” But I wouldn’t take this as a setback; it would just give Dr. King further proof that there is more work to be done in race relations. A few thousand boys and grown men sheltered by internet anonymity shouldn’t worry many of us in this country anyway, given that this sector of the video game population is likely to go off to war in Iran in upcoming years to vent similar racial feelings. At least they’re out of my hair.
9. Al Sharpton
Whenever indisputable controversy abounds in this country, Gotham’s night sky is lit up by the perm-silhouette of America’s track-suited crusader. The former boy-preacher (although not as creepy as that freak Eli Sunday in There Will Be Blood) never fails to make sure he is at the center of any racial controversy in this country, often inviting those found guilty of racist remarks to plead for forgiveness on his radio show. The likes of Don Imus and former President-turned-blithering campaign surrogate Bill Clinton have apologized to the Reverend for insensitive statements about some ho’s whose heads might or might not have been nappy and characterizing the presidential aspirations of Senator Barack !!!!!HUSSEIN!!!!! Obama as a fairytale. Al Sharpton holds public figures’ feet to the fire, solidifying more of a steady career for a public figure rather than any meaningful progress for race relations.
8. Neoconservatism
Dr. King was greatly concerned with the spread of peace around this globe, and he knew that America had the potential might and moral clarity to create that reality. Is there any better tool to exercise this goal than our armed forces? As Operation Iraqi Freedom has taught Americans, we must bring peace and democracy to other nations on our terms, whether they want that form of government or not. And almost five years, thousands of dead soldiers, and tens of thousands of dead civilians later, Iraq is proving to become another glowing beacon of democracy in the Middle East(?). King would have loved to see the day when his country sacrificed a sizeable portion of another country’s citizens to ensure their own freedom and autonomy. It doesn’t matter that he identified “racism, poverty, and militarism” as the “triple evils” of the world or that he adamantly opposed the Vietnam War and other solutions to conflicts that weren’t nonviolent; what matters is that Americans, black, white, and whatever else matters, have engaged in the sacrifice of sending their sons and daughters across the globe to ensure that we keep the price of a barrel of oil down.
7. The Ying Yang Twins
Being the cultural ambassadors that they are, these two men not only show us that having talent equivalent to that of a rabid parasitic twin, possibly lacking any familiarity with the female sex, and being really, really ugly can produce beautiful music that would make anyone who grew up through the Harlem Renaissance and emergences of Rock n’ Roll and R&B very proud. Any chorus that goes “Hey bitch, wait til' you see my dick / Wait til' you see my dick / Hey bitch, wait til' you see my dick / I'm a beat that pussy up” represents musical lyricism that is bound for the Smithsonian or Library of Congress. I’m sure Dr. King’s iPod would be filled with their music in addition to that of the great maestro Lil' Jon. And when these men are receiving their Kennedy Center Honors in fifty years, we will truly recognize that it doesn’t matter that they exported an image of an entire race around the world that portrays its people as simple, hypersexual ghouls; they gave us a good beat, and I got to grind on that fat ass because of it.
6. Unnecessary Dualisms
Because one cannot stand for federal aid and government involvement in improving lives and also be for personal responsibility. There are only two groups of Americans: those who whine for help and those who do it for themselves. As a college-educated Negro, it would make me sick to think that my tax dollars were going to fund some inner-city program, possibly one that goes to some center for children who can’t read good and who wanna learn to do other stuff good too. I can’t help people if they can’t help themselves, even if they have no resources, income or time to do so. No minister like Dr. King would ever hold both the individual and a government to a higher moral standard, and neither should I, the entitled, educated beneficiary of government aid to finance my college education.
5. KFC’s New Hot Wings
They’re crunchy on the outside, but, SPICY, on the inside?!?! And I can get a 20 pc. Bucket?! I do believe Dr. King said at the March on Washington, “Black man love him some chicken!” so it makes the list.
4. Claims of the Party of Lincoln and the Party of FDR to Moral Superiority
It is always important to remind the voters that black people, as a bloc, shouldn’t be voting for Democrats because of their racist history, which naturally means that
they should be voting for Republicans. After all, Dr. King and Civil Rights leaders before him like A. Phillip Randolph worked with both Republican and Democratic administrations to guarantee certain legislative freedoms, so it’s only fair that
blacks today realize that it is unfair to the political process for Republicans not to have a sizeable share of the black vote without having really fought for it in the past 30 years. After all, the Democrats enacted the system of segregation and tolerated many Dixiecrats! It doesn’t matter that many of those Dixiecrats became Republicans after the Civil Rights Act. The Republicans are the Party of Lincoln, the Great Emancipator! It doesn’t matter that Lincoln tried to push through legislation to have blacks colonize Africa because he didn’t believe that a “superior race” and an “inferior race” could live together in the same country. On the other side, the Democrats can be proud of their Civil Rights history. It doesn’t really
matter that President Johnson referred to Dr. King as “that nigger preacher” once he began to oppose the Vietnam War. Dr. King understood that laws get passed for political expediency, and if he were alive today, I’m sure he would agree that only one side in the fight always had moral clarity on the issues of race and segregation. So let the bickering continue.
3. Paternity Tests on Maury
What says “I’m fit for parenthood” better than the inability to differentiate between up to 10 men who could be the father of your child? Or the inability to keep from cranking that Soulja Boy when you find out that dat ain’t yo baby? Or perhaps going on national television to let the world know that two consenting adults agreed to air their personal business about their inability to keep their pants on? Dr. King would want the world to know that America’s young black men and women are fertile, being fruitful, and multiplying. The race thrives, and having potential parents as these who go on Maury ensures that such a circle of life will continue.
2. Ron Paul
Despite the Texas congressman’s newsletters from the 70s, 80s, and 90s referring to him in many unflattering ways, Dr. King gives the man credit for having some major balls. Such a man who champions revisionist texts on Lincoln and the Civil War and argues for some nonspecific “equality” among humankind that can’t possibly speak to inequity (given the fact that he also wants to get rid of the federal government) earns a nod from King for his freedom of expression, speech, and insanity. Both men share problems with our American government and our aggressive, militaristic foreign policy; Paul simply takes the next evolutionary step in King’s thinking by advocating that we do absolutely nothing to aid anyone around the world in any circumstance and that we do likewise for some of America’s desperate citizens.
And finally, the number one thing Dr. King would have wanted to result from the efforts of the Civil Rights Movement:
1. Any phrase similar to “because that’s what Dr. King would have wanted”
What better way to honor a man than to take anything from any personal perspective one might have, coat it in the Reverend’s most innocuous language, and sell it to others as a statement in line with Dr. King’s philosophy? We cannot get our fill of bland statements about equality, and we can use them to argue for almost anything from opposition to affirmative action, preemptive war, opposition to abortion, gay rights, support of affirmative action, free enterprise, abortion rights, and even more. I think that on this day we should all get a free cheesesteak, because that’s what Dr. King would have wanted. Public masturbation? Dr. King would have wanted us to express ourselves creatively in the public square and enjoy all the freedoms that humanity—and the human body—has to offer? A brand new car? Oprah and Bob Barker got it right, and so should we, in King’s memory.
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This is a day for great reflection on American history and the struggle of those before us. I can’t help but be proud of myself for knowing that I am a good person who has committed himself to even publishing a cynical list of things Dr. King would have wanted. Introspection and cynicism are always better than action, and Dr. King would be proud of what I have now just accomplished. Because there is absolutely nothing left to fix in this world, and time is best spent reflecting on the ills of American society. Thank you, and back to Mario.
1 comment:
Well said, Mr. Bookman. We should have more posts from you in the future.
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