My Fat Ass Is Apparently Marked Al-Qaeda

Overlooked in all the talk about writers' strikes and college football madness, some news gets overlooked. No, we're not talking about Musharraf's declaration of martial law or Chavez's strong-arming his parliament into approving insane changes to Venezuela's constitution. Surprisingly, these stories have gotten some attention for once. No, I'm talking about our continued fight in The War On Terror®. Absent from all the joy of blasting away dirty foreigners, is a look into the terror that hides within our Great American Nation. And it's not even dirty foreigners hiding within our nation (Lou "Life With Louie" Dobbs certainly has that covered). No, I am talking about a far more insidious threat to our collective national security.

Your fat ass (and mine too).



We've known for years that there is apparently an obesity epidemic on hand, as our nation has caught FAT disease from handling too many dirty needles in the mid-80's (where were you, Clean Needle Programs, when we needed you most?!) We've even learned recently that obesity is contagious, liable to spread like wildfire (or at least a fire that tastes sticky and sweet, as if it were made of freshly made Krispy Kreme doughnuts. Commence drooling upon picturing said doughnuts in your mind...now). Hell, we even warned you about thinking of associating with this blog, yet you continue to defy logic and common sense and read. But that's only the tip of the iceberg.


That's because our collective fat asses constitutes a national security risk. That's according to former Surgeon General, Dr. Richard Carmona, who notes that it has become an impediment to armed services recruitment. We've become too fat to serve our country, apparently. And that's the only reason why the Army can't reach its recruitment goals, because who doesn't want to fight crazy wars? I mean, that's why I always bought G.I. Joe action figures. All this fatness then trickles down into diminishing our power in protecting our homeland, which essentially makes John Goodman Missouri's own Osama bin Laden.

Of course, we can turn this negative into a positive. We just have to be able to use our fat asses to our advantage. I was recently discussing this possibility with one of the friends-of-the-blog:

Von Bookman: and if we just start using fat people as weapons, this problem is solved
Nic Ouzo: fatbombs!
Nic Ouzo: I'm envisioning...
Nic Ouzo: catapults
Nic Ouzo: or, because we're all into neologisms
Nic Ouzo: fatapults
Von Bookman: excellent

Now, you may have to pardon me for taking this news with only a grain of salt. Let's consider the source for a second--Dr. Carmona is only known for being in essence a spineless political pawn for the Bush Administration, since his testimony to that effect was the only thing we ever heard from the guy. Let's face it, he's no C. Everett Koop (Dartmouth, Class of '37). Who is to say that he isn't continuing in this capacity? What, with youth participation in sports always at record highs, I simply think that this is just a ploy to breed a generation of super-soldiers by constantly worrying them about their physical appearance--well-balanced breakfast programs have given them super strength, while midnight basketball has taught them to function without sleep. And with this psychological trauma of reminding the kids of how fat they are, we can then meld them to kill on-command. It's brilliant.



Believe in your obesity conspiracy, folks. I'm just going to grab another piece of pie.