Thank God They Speak English Here

Dutch is a terrible, terrible language.

I don't know if I was expecting something different before I arrived in the Netherlands, but I don't think I've had a single pleasant encounter with the language. Oh, it's not the fault of the Dutch people, who are plenty nice and reasonable in my dealings with them (unlike some of their neighbors to the south). But there is something about the language that is just, well, stupid.

First off, Dutch is basically a bastardized version of German, which itself is a pretty awful language. I mean, we're talking beyond the fact that it just sounds like the most evil language on the face of the Earth, even when spoken in a calm, reassuring manner (in fact, when done in this way, it is often even creepier). It likes to mash up consonants in ways that don't make sense, it likes to combine 8 words into one, and it has ridiculous grammar constructions. Dutch does all of these things, and adds in things like unnecessary h's and j's and double o's all around. It's like German's retarded cousin. It doesn't even have the inherent "bjorn-ness" that makes Scandinavian languages such a delight.


I think I'd be less upset with Dutch if I could hear consistent pronunciation. The airport in Amsterdam is named Schipol, and I've heard it pronounced "Skip-ol" and "Ship-ol" by Dutch folk. If they can't agree on how to say the name of their huge airport, I guess it's foolish for me to think that the street where I live should have a consistent pronunciation. I've heard no less than five ways to say "Regentesselaan".

Then again, these are the same people that have decided that "Spui" should be said as "Shpel".

The one thing that Dutch has in its favor is that it's not Flemish, which is just bastardized Dutch. If you thought that Dutch was German's retarded cousin, well get that cousin liquored up and you get what Flemish is.


In the end, after nearly two months in this country, I've learned about 7 words, half of which relate to what kind of sandwich I'm going to have. Really, the two most important words I've learned have been "kip" equals "chicken" and that "kaas" is cheese. It's so bad that when I went to a Tapas restaurant, I decided to rely on my extremely limited knowledge of Spanish to decipher the menu; then I realized that "pollo" and "queso" were the only Spanish words I knew as well.

So it's been a blessing that just about everyone here speaks English; not only that, they can even carry on in-depth conversations about current events or politics. I don't even have to rely on my French around here--English is spoken by like 95% of the Dutch. Except of course by those at McDonald's--like in the States, they can hardly speak English either.