Nic Ouzo's Wild European Adventure: There's a Reason Why You Can Never Find A "Dutch" Restaurant

One of the initial questions I had when I first found out I was going to the Netherlands for the summer, was what exactly is Dutch cuisine (this gives you a good idea of what my priorities are in life). And even though the person I was asking had lived in Holland for 3 months, she couldn't give me much of an answer. And now here I am, three months later, and I too can't give much of an answer.

My initial guess would have been that the great Dutch dish was some sort of herring on a stick, and I probably wouldn't have been too far off in that assessment. I seem to recall seeing that sort of dish around, though not in pushcart form (I've been in New Yawk for too long). However, my sense of what would really constitute Dutch cuisine may be a bit off since I'm living in The Hague, which is truly an international city. Not only does one get to view beautiful women of all races from every corner of the globe, but one gets a diverse sampling of various international dishes. And what I've really learned is that the Dutch don't really know how to cook Thai food.



The one true Dutch dish is apparently French Fries. That's it. You can get all sorts of sauces with them, but the Dutch go apeshit for mayonnaise. In fact, all of North/Central Europe loves to drench their food in the stuff, which is bad news bears for me. For you see, even though I'm an incredible fatass, the one healthy choice I've ever made was to decide not to like mayonnaise--it makes me so sick that I can barely listen to the Smashing Pumpkins song, even though it's brilliant. Combine that with my recent decision to try to eat somewhat healthy, kicking out some old favorites, with french fries being the first to go. Needless to say, I have not partaken in a Dutch classic.



However, the Dutch have proved themselves capable of one thing, and that's making a sandwich. Which is a good thing, since it's about the one relatively inexpensive thing you can buy. It's not just that they prepare a good sandwich and you can find one everywhere (they're big fans of selling truck-stop style sandwiches, which is decent train-food), but that they're very creative in making new recipes. In fact there are two that I want to import to the US--one is a spicy chili sauce chicken mixed with a lightly-fried mushroom sandwich, while the other is a concoction sure to give Joe Reefer half-a-chub: ham, cheese, and pineapple, and all toasted. We should all bow down to our Dutch sandwich masters.

One thing you will find in Holland is American fast food. McDonald's, Burger King, KFC, Subway--all are here. Now some will lament how Americanized everything has become (I remember shedding the metaphorical tear when I saw a T.G.I.Friday's in Thessaloniki), but hell, these places provide really convenient cheap food right when you need it most, especially later at night (because everything in Holland shuts down at like 6 pm). So I felt better about this American influence, at least until I rode the train to Vienna with some University of Florida students. Oh, they were fine enough people, but after hearing them complain about how the food sucks in Europe and how THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT BUFFALO SAUCE is, I was ready to give up. Of course, if we left the Dutch on their own to approximate American food, we'd end up with only stuff like this:



I actually just visited this place, and there really isn't even fried chicken on the menu--it's a bunch of Turks selling things like crappy falafel. Whatever, I'll go get myself a crazy pineapple sandwich and call it a day.