Look people. I understand the general sentiment to want to see something like Transformers. I mean, the toys were kickass, and who can argue with robots beating the ever-living fuck out of each other? That's just good clean ol' American fun, the kind that me and my grand-pappy would engage in down in Kentucky. Shiiiyit, I remember going to the Louisville 'BotFight every Arbor Day. It's pretty much a goddamn tradition.
But just because in theory Transformers 2 would seem like a good use of 151 minutes of your time (seriously, it is that long), that doesn't mean that you should go ahead and pencil in an appointment. If you need reasons, I believe I should point you to Exhibit A: the first movie. Despite Zhuang's early review to the contrary, I would like to point out that the first movie was so bad that I refuse this day to watch it a second time, even if it included what would sure to be a hilarious Rifftrax (from Mike Hodgson, of MST3K fame). I've seen plenty of bad movies multiple times, but it is extremely rare for me to not revisit a movie to revel in its crapulence.
I mean, how can one fuck up a movie about robots pounding the crap out of each other? I mean, look, we weren't expecting much in terms of a coherent plot or story, and God knows we weren't expecting great performances from Shia The Beef or Megan Dead-Eyed Fox. But when the action is so incomprehensible that YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT GODDAMN ROBOT-BLOB IS DOING TO THE OTHER, then you don't have a goddamn robots-fighting movie. So if we're going to do this all over again, plus include some jive-talking robots that would make Jar Jar Binks blush, then you should stay the fuck away.
Again, I'm not totally anti-robot fight. Hell, I just watched the latest Terminator movie last week. America, why couldn't you have watched that instead? You would have gotten your fill of explosions and metal carnage without having to condone a cinematic abortion. Or even watch The Hangover again. Just don't fucking give any more money for Transformers fucking 2.
2 comments:
I agree. You should check out Roger Ebert's review, too. It's pretty great.
There is nothing wrong with robots fighting. I mean, who doesn't miss "Battlebots"?
By the way, I'll be holding a press conference later this week, in the style of Mark Sanford, to tell the American people that my previous review of Transformers was, in fact, "a mistake." And, because he won't, I will be resigning as governor of South Carolina.
Dammit, I knew I forgot something! Ebert's review was fantastic and totally hilarious, and it shows that even though his body is failing him, he still has it. Here's the link: http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=%2F20090623%2FREVIEWS%2F906239997%2F1023&AID1=%2F20090623%2FREVIEWS%2F906239997%2F1023&AID2=
Oh, and I'll be looking forward to your press conference. I can't wait to see the e-mails you've been sending.
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