Saturday, July 17, 2010

Memos from a Cold, Dark Place

Attention loyal WDR readers - it has come to our attention that transmissions from this heart of satellite hearts have not been reaching our audience of alcoholic pre-tweens and banana bread rape enthusiasts. We have been doing everything we can to correct this heinous dilemma, whilst issuing our usual high-quality journalism into the void. Technicians are standing by to address the problem, but so far it seems like we were just holding the website wrong. We will try to do better from now on, always grasping with two gingerly placed fingers, or coating the outside of the site with duct tape. In the mean time, please enjoy some excerpts from the posts you have missed while we weren't delivering them to you:

  • Joe Reefer delivered a powerful expose on the benefits of canned corn:
"Look, I don't care if beans are rice are less expensive, you can eat this meal twice with just a little time and money invested into a straining system!"
  • Mr. Zhuang taught us a little bit about life, and a lot about love:
"Some people will tell you it's wrong. Some people will tell you that a ten year old isn't ready for that kind of intimacy. Some people will tell you that you can send in your Spiderman action figure with RMA #53772444783366565 and they will replace it with one less prone to nocturnal penetration. I wasn't about to let convention stand in my way, and after a summer of hard work at Mr. Hendrekson's beef and cattle feed market, I made my first mail-order Vaseline purchase - but rest assured, it would not be my last. I guess in the end, Cat Stevens was right when he said 'the first cut is the deepest'. We all had our cuts that warm summer, some on the outside when we tripped and fell.. and some on the inside, because we were putting action figures up our butts."
  • The gang put together their lists of favorite '80s albums:
{Entries not found.}

  • Nic Ouzo had a little something to say about the Obama White House, and its position on bran tariffs:
"...fuck cap &
trade, fuck capitol gains tax, fuck a mother's right to choose, fuck
highway interchanges with odd numbers of intersecting highways, fuck the standar
d model of particle physics, fuck low resolution liquid crystal displays, fuck arm & hammer body wash, fuck rent controlled housing, fuck low quality hifi systems with two nearly identical subwoofers lacking any clarity in mid- or high-ranges, fuck peter sellers I love that guy, fuck The Beatles because
paul was never the motherfucking walrus, fuck the Zionist conspiracy that is American Democracy, the Denver
International Airport is a portal to hell, there is proof strewn throughout the entire grounds, have you seen the Nazi murals and stone mason emblems? Fly through Colorado and risk your very soul, ladies and gentlemen, we can not stand for this. You think they put fluoride in your water to protect your teeth? Countless studies show that ingested fluoride does next to nothing for oral health, only topical application makes any measurable effect, yet we keep pumping it into our drinking water even though it is more deadly than arsenic. Read The Bible, all your questions shall be answered in the second coming of our Lord Jesus Christ and a new will and testament of God's grand plan for humanity will be delivered unto the world in the form of a tattoo across a thousand hos' backs broadcast on YouTube as they march forward displaying their tramp stamps to the opening theme of Star Wars. God bless America, Si Se Puede, Etc Etc. Amen. Fuck Cindy Lauper."

  • Joe Reefer addressed the Tiger Woods scandal:
"Hey, er, you hit him pretty hard there Elin."
As well as the BP/Gulf oil crisis:
"This never would have happened if John McCain were president. He never would have trusted the Brits to engage in deep sea drilling, having fought the redcoats during the revolutionary war."

Maybe the next time you tuck yourself in at night, stale and alone in your room with your fondest memories only anecdotal recollections of the past - you'll remember to fucking tell us when you don't see updates to the blog. Jesus Tap-Dancing Christ (am I spelling that right?) we aren't psychic, no matter what our mom thinks, you need to let us know about these things!! So let us close now on a few words for the ages, for he who casts cold stone creameries in glass houses need pay the deposit for windshield replacements unless you are lucky and find one of those places that will reattach broken rearview mirrors for free under the misguided assumption that you will return there out of loyalty when you need actual glass replacement for your automobile:

"Wait.... what?"

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