There are few things that are common to everyone's childhood, but one item that certainly is enjoyed all over is the Little Red Wagon. Chances are, you all had a little Radio Flyer that you enjoyed the shit out of, even though you didn't quite understand its use. I mean, it can barely carry anything since it's so shallow, and it isn't particularly maneuverable since it has no real steering to speak of. But, as I said before, you still enjoyed the shit out of it. You loved that little red wagon, and then when you read Calvin and Hobbes years later, you wished that you could go back to the days that you pushed your trusty Radio Flyer around that you could re-enact Calvin's various terribly dangerous adventures. In other words, it's your childhood in a nice little red package.
But that's about to change.
That's because some marketing assholes have decided that being a treasured part of everyone's childhood isn't enough. No, we must make little red wagons a fucking growth industry. Which means this: a reinvention of the Radio Flyer.
The specs on this thing are ridiculous--safety harnesses, actual goddamn seats, CUP HOLDERS!, and A FREAKING MP3 PLAYER DOCK!!!??! Why is this ridiculous? Well, for one, this has more technology than my old Volkswagen. But safety equipment? I mean, the fun of the Radio Flyer was that YOU COULD DIE AT ANY MOMENT. This is just more proof that we're raising a generation of sissies. And what 5 year old has a goddamn mp3 player? Maybe this is why we're in a financial crisis--we're spending money on giving our kids fucking mp3 players.
Please stop this product from advancing beyond the development stage. And please stop shitting on my childhood.
2 comments:
Radio Flyers were not only a hell of a lot of fun but were also essential in the "thinning of the herd" of children. This may seem harsh, but do you ever remember hearing about shit like Insane Clown Posse in the 1950s? Of course not! That's because those kids took their Radio Flyers off cliffs and gravity do the work. Now the kids who would usually meet their demise at the hands of this awesome toy will probably not only survive to go to high school but will also have the opportunity to listen to aforementioned Insane Clown Posse in their mp3 players while they do it.
Yep, the children are our future. Watch the fuck out.
I'd just like to add the phrase "Insane Clown Posse" to this page one more time
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