Happy Birthday Joe Reefer!

Normally we would allow the author to write his own birthday post. But Joe is probably on the run once again trying to escape child support payments. Or he's just being lazy. It's one or the other, with no room in between, or room outside of that box of choices. Enough with the ramble, on to the birthday wishes.



Enjoy.

Well, Uhh...It's a Special Time in a Boy's Life When...

It comes a time in a man's life when a post like this is necessary. Some things just have to be recognized. So, it is my duty to make a little nod to one of the best dressed most ethnic members of our illustrious WDR crew...

Happy Birthday, Joe Reefer!
...and many more

We hope you enjoy your birthday today, regardless of what work you have to do (Ha Ha!). But you can be content in knowing that you're getting tons of presents from your various bastard children, though it may take some time considering that they're spread out all over the country (and a few abroad as well, if the recent paternity tests turn out positive--Hello, Bolivia!). We'll drink to that!

Joe Reefer Watches 8 Minutes of "Air Bud: Golden Receiver"

Though it will be my name that appears as the author of this post, all credit for this goes to our demented genius Joe Reefer. Believe me, we've been trying to get him to write more often, but we simply don't have enough women to bribe Joe (which is totally due to the fact that we couldn't pick up anyone to save our lives (and I guess frankly, we're kind of scared of them (the horror, the shame!))).

This is a reprint of a conversation that I had with Joe over AIM this past Sunday. Yes, we use such olden technology as the Instant Messenger, and not just communicate in Series of Texts. It's being reprinted without permission (not even implied oral consent, much less expressed written consent), and is edited for length and clarity*, and some random annotated "director's commentary" from me.

*we didn't need a discussion of the Thomas The Tank Engine version of "There Will Be Blood", really

Joe Reefer: I am actually watching an airbud movie
Joe Reefer: the director's choices are... immaculate
Nic Ouzo: i'm telling you, it's a brilliant series on par with The Godfather and Star Wars
Joe Reefer: you missed the amazing "OH NO MY DOG IS ON THE COURT *camera spins on its axis and image distorts in a zig-zag*" shot
Nic Ouzo: so they did that thing where they attach the camera to your waist, so you get that weird drunken feeling, but to a dog?
Nic Ouzo: because that would be awesome
Joe Reefer: haha, no it was a close-up of the kid's face in shock... and then his head spun so it was upside-down for a minute
Nic Ouzo: hehehe
Joe Reefer: then the image distorted like a bad dream-sequence edit, except it never faded to anything new
Nic Ouzo: i can see scorsese using that in his next picture
Joe Reefer: I hope he does


Joe Reefer: all it was missing was the Home Alone hands-on-cheeks moment
Nic Ouzo: we need to mail him a copy of Airbud with a note saying precisely this!*
Joe Reefer: actually, I think this is the one about football
Joe Reefer: I was just confused at the beginning because it had a whole sequence of people finding out he could play basketball, and I had assume that this had been dealt with in the original AirBud, but....
Nic Ouzo: haha
Nic Ouzo: it's like a "in case you were wondering, here are the origins of our hero"
Joe Reefer: except it wasn't a flashback... as far as I could tell
Nic Ouzo: well then they were just picking up where they left off, i guess
Joe Reefer: I don't know, I was very confused


Nic Ouzo: well, that's the thing about Airbud movies
Nic Ouzo: true mindbenders
Joe Reefer: it's pretty heady stuff
Joe Reefer: you also missed the great subplot where the kid decides to play football to protest his mom dating some guy he doesn't like
Nic Ouzo: that's how I ended up in theater camp
Joe Reefer: hehehe
Nic Ouzo: *not a true story†
Joe Reefer: why must you turn my im window into a house of lies
Nic Ouzo: because that's how i roll
Nic Ouzo: Boom, bitch.




***********************

One Hour Later…

Joe Reefer: OH NO
Joe Reefer: AIRBUD GOT SACKED
Joe Reefer: AIRBUD IS DOWN
Joe Reefer: CAN THE TEAM GO ON WITHOUT A DOG AS ITS QUARTERBACK???
Nic Ouzo: no


Joe Reefer: yeah they lose the series
Nic Ouzo: i think they're totally fucked
Joe Reefer: they are
Joe Reefer: there is no way that the main kid-character will somehow win the game at the last second
Joe Reefer: OH SHIT
Joe Reefer: they're going with a B-52 crossing pattern
Joe Reefer: THEY ARE IN THEIR OWN PRIVATE IDAHO, MOTHERFUCKERS
Nic Ouzo: HA
Nic Ouzo: they went totally gay on this?‡


Joe Reefer: if you have never seen a dog in a football jersey barking in support of his football team, then AirBud: Golden Receiver is the movie for you


Nic Ouzo: hahahahaha
Joe Reefer: YYYEEEEESSSSSS
Joe Reefer: GGGGGOOOOOOOOAAAAALLLLLL
Nic Ouzo: i expect a full write-up of this on the blog
Joe Reefer: HE THREW THE BALL
Joe Reefer: HE THREW THE BALL
Joe Reefer: THE ANGELS WIN THE PENDENT
Joe Reefer: SOMEONE CAUGHT THE BALL
Joe Reefer: WOOHOOOO
Nic Ouzo: (pennant, not pendent"
Nic Ouzo: hehe
Joe Reefer: oh whatever
Nic Ouzo: hehehe
Nic Ouzo: i just tried to sneak it in
Joe Reefer: I don't think I can ever write about this movie again, it was so far beyond retarded....
Nic Ouzo: noooooo!
Nic Ouzo: seriously, that quote about "this is the movie for you" was brilliant
Joe Reefer: also I think I watched a sum-total of maybe 8 minutes of this movie
Nic Ouzo: like that matters
Joe Reefer: alright, I'll put it in the "Maybe" pile
Nic Ouzo: the YES pile
Joe Reefer: by which I mean that if ... whatever station this is... re-runs it again today I will do it
Nic Ouzo: hehehe


Joe Reefer: wait, I thought he joined the football team so his mom wouldn't date this guy
Joe Reefer: ... for some reason...
Joe Reefer: but now he is hugging the guy♠
Nic Ouzo: well, he learned about family and all that bullshit
Nic Ouzo: that revenge isn't always the best motivation
Joe Reefer: I see this as being the biggest plot-hole of the film
Nic Ouzo: hehe
Nic Ouzo: "Joe Reefer Watches 8 minutes of Air Bud: Golden Receiver"
Joe Reefer: hehehe
Joe Reefer: okay, the best part of this movie is officially this - Immediately after the movie, whatever sitcom it is that came on after started off with an exchange about Santa not being real
Joe Reefer: I'm willing to bet that some childrens' lives were just ruined right here♪

*This was very similar to our original plan to remake Audioslave: send them old Soundgarden and Rage Against the Machine records, with a note saying "Hey, you should check these guys out!"

†It was actually ice dancing camp

‡From what I remember of a plot summary of the movie, I think it had something to do with gay hookers. Sorry Mr. Port Land, Gus Van Sant, I haven't seen your movie.

♠I like how Joe, who pretty much hates sports, knew all the sports movie clichés, but not the generic "family coming together" cliché

♪I've run out of things to use for footnotes

WDR Reunites!

This week will mark the reunion of the entirety of the WDR team for the first time since our epic Road Trip in August. Much has changed since then. Mr. Zhuang has taken up the sport of Jai Alai, using his skills to earn a living as he explores the epic territory that is Upper-Northwest Nebraska. Joe Reefer has become a vital member of the group Puppetry Of The Penis, showing that he can make productive use of his organ beyond leaving a litter of kids everywhere he lands.

As for myself, I have taken up and quit several jobs as I've attempted to find myself, but I have to admit it's taken me to some pretty weird places. As it stands, I'm now interning for a law firm that is taking depositions for a potential class-action lawsuit by Santa's elves. At least I was told they were Santa's elves...they could have been Malaysian sweatshop workers. I'm not really paying attention. I'm more concerned about catching the next repeat of "120 Minutes" on VH1 Classic, to tell you the truth.

But enough with the past. Here's to the future, as we will commence with the festivities on Wednesday night as we make an appearance at the Dandy Warhols annual Hometown Christmas Concert Spectacular. We are prepared to hear the best version of "Little Drummer Boy" we'll hear all year, and then go out drinking.

Because that's what we do. We're totally original like that.

WDR Backtalks--WDR on Strike??

We here at WDR receive a metric fuck-ton of fanmail on a regular basis. And 9 times out of 10 we burn it on contact (it's a fool-proof security system we have in place). But in some rare instances we actually read what you write to us.

Dear Mr. Wayne Diego,

All the various news outlets are talking about an impending writers' strike, and how it will affect our movie and TV-watching. It's really important, because America's number one priority is what is bombarding our eye-sockets (though we are still at the forefront in the fight against skull-fucking). So my question is, are you going to show solidarity with your brethren and strike as well, or are you a "filthy hippie pinko scab", as my dad calls me. I like turtles.

--Smapdi (age 8)

Joe Reefer responds:

Thank you young reader for your support. Have a WDR button, and remember to attach easily-removable magnets to your SUV to show your support for our troops fighting overseas, because that is an alarmingly prescient way of showing our commitment. Who says irony is dead?



/form letter B

Nic Ouzo responds:

Smapdi, I want to assure you that we here at The Wayne Diego Report are very much aware of the writers' strike, as we have been watching events very closely. We have agonized over the decision of whether or not we should follow suit as well, and let me tell you we drank a lot of Hard Henry's in making our decision.

We have come to the decision that we are going to continue publication of our blog without any foreseeable interruptions in the future. The strike is over the sharing of profits of DVD sales and "new media", like internet crap. Since our parent company, Generica Industries, has signed us to an enormously benevolent contract, we already receive over 80% of all WDR DVD sales, and since we already exist as a New Media entity, we have direct control over that revenue stream. Our WDR movie will continue as planned, with initial estimates of spring 2011 being the release date (which should still allow it to premiere before "Christmas On Mars"). I know some of you are interested in the launch of our WDR cable network, but those talks have stalled as we wrestle with some essential problems: my frightening physical presence, the fact that Joe is wanted in 6 states for failure to pay child support, and that Mr. Zhuang fears that the television cameras will steal his soul. As for the writers in our print division, they can go fuck themselves. Some of us don't appreciate it when you piss in the punchbowl at the Christmas party.



As for any other show of solidarity, well, we're not going to follow any of it up. In fact, if someone like The Daily Show decided that they would be better off with new, non-union writers, we'll gladly take the reins. We promise to be 9.7 times more satirically vicious, and 4.3 times more consistent (whether that means consistently "funny" or otherwise is yet to be determined--somebody fucked up in running the regression formula with that data, but we should get you an answer sometime next week). And we'll do it purely out of the love of comedy, which apparently wins out over our political sensibilities.

Why would we take that drastic step? Well, it's because we're not a part of their fancy-pants union. Oh, we tried to become members, we've tried to play by their rules, but apparently a couple of College Newspaper credits between the three of us aren't enough. And they released the hounds on us, the ones with the bees in their mouth so that when they bark they shoot bees (they have the technology). And frankly, we haven't gotten over the mental wounds of being treated so shoddily.



So fuck 'em.

Mr. Zhuang responds:

Television has writers?

Columbus Day (Observed)

Here comes Johnny Yen again, with the liquor and drugs.


If you came by the site yesterday, you may have noticed that we posted nothing new, and you may have asked yourself "Why could this be? What have I done to anger the Gods of WDR that I cannot receive new reading material that provides a three-minute diversion from the daily drudgery of life?". To this we respond: First, we don't appreciate drama queens here, and Second, we were merely doing the same thing that every red-blooded American patriot should have been doing, and that's celebrating Columbus Day.

When it comes to celebrating holidays that mark the beginning of unbelievable genocide AND mean also great savings on flowery bedspreads, the WDR crew is first in line to celebrate. You could not believe the parties we've had on Tojo Day. We also embrace the awkward around here, and a holiday in which we simultaneously embrace the Pure Kickass-edness of America (Fuck Yeah) and slowly come to grips with our murderous past is right up our alley. If we had an alley. We're not really that urbanized around here at WDR Headquarters.

So what did we do on our day off, besides the usual drunken shenanigans? Well, Mr. Zhuang took advantage of Incredible Deals (!) and went to the local industrial/mall complex to visit ze Bed, Bath & Beyond and got his hand on a bitchin' set of towels. You're goddamn motherfuckin' right that he got that Egyptian Cotton! And Joe Reefer hitched a ride to LAX, where he personally welcomed dozens of women into the New World. And Joe does not know the meaning of the word "no", regardless of language. And I spent my afternoon looking for Awesome Mushrooms for a pizza I'm making tonight. Because it's not enough for me to watch Lost, I have to actually experience it.



And then we all drank until we passed out. Because that is the true meaning of Columbus Day.

Radiohead Is Talking Loco, And I Like It!

By now, most everyone who cares has heard the news about Radiohead's new album and the unique way they're releasing it. The entire WDR crew was put on notice yesterday morning, as I emailed out the news to Joe and Zhuang as soon as I woke up at the crack of noon. And everyone whose reaction matters has already responded--I mean, even TIME Magazine has commented on the news, and we know how everyone in the music world listens to what TIME Magazine has to say! (No, they don't, but the fact that they're even reporting it (and so quickly) is newsworthy nonetheless).

To sum up, Radiohead is offering right now two options of purchasing their own album: 1) A super-deluxe edition with a vinyl copy, a CD with bonus disc, and various other paraphernalia for a whopping £40 (damn you, weak American Dollar!) and 2) A Name-Your-Own-Price download. Which can be free, if you so desire (though, the news is that apparently is a minimum one-dollar processing charge). This second option is really the freaky deal here--I mean, there will always be superfanboys with loads of disposable income they're willing to piss away (and Radiohead quite rightly realizes that their audience has a significant percentage of this kind of folk)--and has the music industry on pins and needles waiting to see if it's a success.



Of course, the most notable thing about this (besides the potential giving-away-music-for-free aspect)is the fact that Radiohead is doing all this without a record deal in place. Their deal with EMI expired after Hail to the Thief was released, and it was widely assumed that they would eventually sign with someone to distribute their next album, though probably in very favorable terms to the band. This would be similar to the situation that Pearl Jam went through--both bands have their steady and dependable diehard audience that was willing to follow them regardless of label politics, giving the band most of the leverage. The amount of records sold at this point would be pretty much a given, so it's just a matter for adjusting to that. But Radiohead decided that they can do this pretty much on their own, and they're certainly correct--fans everywhere now know where the source for the new Radiohead record is, and that's Radiohead.com (even if the site is slow as shit). Why split the revenue with a label when you can just claim it all for yourself?


As has been pointed out many times before, most bands these days don't earn their payday from the selling of albums, but through touring and merchandise and so on, where their cut of the profits is much higher--30% say, instead of 1/16th the price of a disc. So even if Radiohead loses money in "selling" this album, they'll easily overcome it through touring, which should be no problem, considering they routinely sell out amphitheaters (much like Pearl Jam). But they might not even lose money at all--I doubt the recording expenses were that high, they don't spend money on advertising (look at all the free publicity they got with this gambit), and from the looks of it, a lot of people are generally being honest and giving the band a fair shake for what they think the album is worth (besides Joe Reefer--he's got babies and babies' mommas to feed). And of course, pretty much anything over a dollar gives the band a better cut than the sale of one actual disc.



But then there's the problem of people like me, who prefer to have a physical copy of the album in their possession (even though I listen to music mainly through my computer). It may be because of vanity (I do love having shelves and shelves overflowing with CDs), or because I have an unnatural tactile obsession (probably something I should see a doctor about), but dammit I want my album. Well, for idiots like me who aren't into this whole new wave of technology (it frightens, and it confuses me), In Rainbows will have a physical release next year. So "Hooray, Bear!" to that.

Plus, if you're the impatient type, here's a handy link for you--Rolling Stone previews the new album, track-by-track. And please, no bitching about returning to guitars and pleading for a "insert-your-favorite-album"-era Radiohead album. If they want guitars, they'll use guitars. If they want laptops, they'll use laptops. And if they want to use the horn of a wildebeest, they'll probably do that too. Why have them repeat themselves, when you already have the original? Let the artists be artists. Of course, if it blows, I'll fucking call them out on it.