Hump Day Helper -- "Elegant Bachelors" Edition

Because it's Wednesday, and we all need a pick-me-up to make it through the rest of the week in our respective hells, WDR is providing some fun.

The big news this week is the reunion of '90s alterna-rockers Stone Temple Pilots, so we honor them today as title-holders of "Hump Day Helper of random week in April". There are probably a few reasons why you may be greeting this news of pretty decent news with a collective "meh"--they weren't the best of the grunge bands (though they weren't as bad as a lot of the critics claimed)' they've only been gone for a while, and their offshoot projects (the craptacular Velvet Revolver and the better-than-you'd-think Army of Anyone) got some good airplay; and speaking of airplay, turn on Modern Rock radio and within a couple of hours you'll hear one of their hits. Plus, I have to mention that their last album, Shangri-La-Dee-Da, is a fucking atrocity.

That being said, I'm somewhat excited for their return. Sure, STP is no Soundgarden, but it's still something, right? We'll overlook the fact that they've decided to skip over Oregon in their reunion mega-tour, and celebrate the fact that STP was a pretty darn good band, Scott Weiland's lyrics aside. Trust me, listen to the guitar and bass parts to their songs, and tell me that the DeLeo brothers aren't great--Dean's brilliant use of strange chords and Robert's melodic bass are both worthy of respect.

While I feel their best song is either the ballad "Atlanta" or the mid-tempo mood piece "Big Empty", that doesn't really do the job of being a Hump Day Helper. So instead we're doing the rave-up, "Trippin' On A Hole In A Paper Heart", which simultaneously shows the rawk side of STP and the fact that Scott Weiland is pretty demented for coming up with a title like that.

So keep your bankroll lottery eat your salad day deathbed motorcade!

And if you're confused about the title of this post, this should help set you straight

The Perils of Listening to STP

It has come to my attention that I am often plagued with a mild sort of paranoia. Now, before you get all worried about my health/sanity, I must emphasize the "mild" part of the diagnosis, and also assert that this diagnosis was in no way made by a health professional. Instead, it is more a result of my tendency towards hyper-self-awareness that I discovered this trait--or, it is more likely the case that instead of paranoia that it is this trait expressing itself. It is in fact this very trait that is causing me to reflect and realize that this introduction is needlessly wordy, and that its attempts at being analytical and insightful are failing miserably, and instead I am looking like a fucking pompous windbag. I have been told to end the introduction immediately.

The point that I was trying to get at was fairly simple--I am often very conscious of my actions and appearance, but its motivated by the idea that there is always the possibility of someone judging me. I don't mean this in a literal Judge Judy and Executioner way, or a Fear of God kind of way either--just that people are always paying attention to whatever it is that I am doing, whether it be on the bus or in the check-out line at Freddy's. So when I do things like my daily jog, I assume that everyone is paying attention to me and wondering what the hell this fat fuck is doing trying to "exercise" (that's reserved for the strong and beautiful only, folks). Or if there are parents watching their kids playing, they must be thinking something along the lines of "I better keep an extra careful watch on my kids, because I'm sure this guy is some sort of child rapist or something" (even though Joe Reefer is the one with the vehicle known as the C M V!).



As a result, I often prepare myself for potential contact with other human beings. The most important part of this process is deciding exactly what music I'm going to listen to. If I'm having to explain myself, I don't want to be caught talking to a nice old couple about the Mastodon pumping through my headphones, or something weird and gay like Hot Chip. So I tend to stick with pretty mainstream stuff, classic or otherwise.


A band that seems like a good choice within these parameters would be Stone Temple Pilots--pretty popular band, you probably heard a lot of their songs on the radio. But as I saw a woman approach me during my jog, I wondered "what if you hadn't heard of the band?" If this person asked me what it was I was listening to, could I say "Well, it's Stone Temple Pilots 'Naked Sunday'"? That would be exceedingly scary. I then thought of potential ways to explain myself. I could talk about the other hits you might have heard! Let's see...next song is "Creep". Nah, that doesn't help with the situation. What else was huge..."Sex Type Thing"! The anti-rape song that sounds like an anthem for a Broseph U fratbastard that he can bang his head to while mixing up that GHB! "Crackerman" could work...wait, that sounds kind of racist...no, "Dead and Bloated--NO..."Plush" sounds nice, and way too much like we're entering into Buffalo Bill's lair..."Wicked Garden"...eww. Then I thought of songs from other albums: "Vasoline"--that just sounds graphic; "Interstate Love Song"--that sounds like it's about Highway Hookers; "Trippin' On A Hole In A Paper Heart"--junkies are frightening and confusing; "Lady Pictureshow"--sounds like the next date for that Highway Hooker; "Sour Girl"--the Highway Hooker is now an old maid.

Clearly the entire catalog of STP was of no help whatsoever. Then again, this was the same band that originally was known as Shirley Temple's Pussy, so I should have realized this at the outset. To add to the misery of the situation, you also have to consider the outfit that I was wearing, that was the result of the bizarre weather we were having (cold as fuck but blinding sun--lousy Smarch weather)--a hooded sweatshirt with mirrored shades. Basically, we had a fat Unabomber on the loose. AND LISTENING TO GOD KNOWS WHAT?!?!



This is why I don't talk to people.