The American Public Disappoints Again

So Transformers 2 was the number one movie in America last weekend--not only that, it broke some sort of box office record in the process. Of course, the fact that this happened is not exactly shocking, but that doesn't mean it can't bring a tear to the Indian's eye.


Look people. I understand the general sentiment to want to see something like Transformers. I mean, the toys were kickass, and who can argue with robots beating the ever-living fuck out of each other? That's just good clean ol' American fun, the kind that me and my grand-pappy would engage in down in Kentucky. Shiiiyit, I remember going to the Louisville 'BotFight every Arbor Day. It's pretty much a goddamn tradition.

But just because in theory Transformers 2 would seem like a good use of 151 minutes of your time (seriously, it is that long), that doesn't mean that you should go ahead and pencil in an appointment. If you need reasons, I believe I should point you to Exhibit A: the first movie. Despite Zhuang's early review to the contrary, I would like to point out that the first movie was so bad that I refuse this day to watch it a second time, even if it included what would sure to be a hilarious Rifftrax (from Mike Hodgson, of MST3K fame). I've seen plenty of bad movies multiple times, but it is extremely rare for me to not revisit a movie to revel in its crapulence.


I mean, how can one fuck up a movie about robots pounding the crap out of each other? I mean, look, we weren't expecting much in terms of a coherent plot or story, and God knows we weren't expecting great performances from Shia The Beef or Megan Dead-Eyed Fox. But when the action is so incomprehensible that YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT GODDAMN ROBOT-BLOB IS DOING TO THE OTHER, then you don't have a goddamn robots-fighting movie. So if we're going to do this all over again, plus include some jive-talking robots that would make Jar Jar Binks blush, then you should stay the fuck away.

Again, I'm not totally anti-robot fight. Hell, I just watched the latest Terminator movie last week. America, why couldn't you have watched that instead? You would have gotten your fill of explosions and metal carnage without having to condone a cinematic abortion. Or even watch The Hangover again. Just don't fucking give any more money for Transformers fucking 2.

This Picture Says It All.

Oregon Matters!

The one (and only) benefit to the drawn-out Democratic Primary campaign has been the attention paid to some, ahem, lesser states. And Oregon certainly fits that bill. It's about time that people learn the finer points of...timber payments? And have the media visit such illustrious locales as...Albany. And Pendelton. Because THIS is America, fuck yeah.

At least we had a brief bit of national attention to our quirky little state. Granted, most of this occurred around 11 p.m. Eastern Time, but at least we got all the insomniacs on the up and up about the O-Regon. Everyone had a crash course in the total awesomeness that is the vote-by-mail system that we have in place; words like "sophisticated" and "efficient" were thrown around, especially as we had 50% of the vote counted within an hour, the kind of terms not usually associated with Oregonians. And we also had the great delight to hear CNN's John King refer to Salem as a "college town". Of course, people that are familiar with the area would probably call it a town full of old people and meth heads, but who's to quibble?



We also learned that even though Oregon is waaaaaaaay white, we are apparently "affluent" and "educated". This would be news to 97% of Oregonians, but then again, when you're competing against Kentucky, it's hard NOT to look impressive. And the fact that most rural, white, hard-working Oregonians voted for Mr. Obama means absolutely nothing, because Kentucky went so hard the other way.

That's the story of Oregon: Always overshadowed by Kentucky. Damn you, Colonel, and your delicious herbs and spices!

What Are You Still Doing Here?!

Go on. Have fun on this holiday weekend.

If you need some suggestions as to what to do, we'll offer up a quick few. One, be sure to watch as many war movies as you can this weekend. Just make sure that they're not one of the crappy new ones that are filling up our theaters lately (I'm looking at you, "The Kingdom"). If you want to get more engaged this weekend, why don't you send a hate-letter to Barack Obama, because apparently that anti-American fascist does not salute the flag during the Pledge of Allegiance! He's probably a sodomite! Be sure to include as many namedrops of "Osama" and "Saddam Hussein" as you can, and you'll get bonus gravy at Thanksgiving.

Just remember to shout "America--Fuck Yeah!" as many times as you can this weekend.

Columbus Day (Observed)

Here comes Johnny Yen again, with the liquor and drugs.


If you came by the site yesterday, you may have noticed that we posted nothing new, and you may have asked yourself "Why could this be? What have I done to anger the Gods of WDR that I cannot receive new reading material that provides a three-minute diversion from the daily drudgery of life?". To this we respond: First, we don't appreciate drama queens here, and Second, we were merely doing the same thing that every red-blooded American patriot should have been doing, and that's celebrating Columbus Day.

When it comes to celebrating holidays that mark the beginning of unbelievable genocide AND mean also great savings on flowery bedspreads, the WDR crew is first in line to celebrate. You could not believe the parties we've had on Tojo Day. We also embrace the awkward around here, and a holiday in which we simultaneously embrace the Pure Kickass-edness of America (Fuck Yeah) and slowly come to grips with our murderous past is right up our alley. If we had an alley. We're not really that urbanized around here at WDR Headquarters.

So what did we do on our day off, besides the usual drunken shenanigans? Well, Mr. Zhuang took advantage of Incredible Deals (!) and went to the local industrial/mall complex to visit ze Bed, Bath & Beyond and got his hand on a bitchin' set of towels. You're goddamn motherfuckin' right that he got that Egyptian Cotton! And Joe Reefer hitched a ride to LAX, where he personally welcomed dozens of women into the New World. And Joe does not know the meaning of the word "no", regardless of language. And I spent my afternoon looking for Awesome Mushrooms for a pizza I'm making tonight. Because it's not enough for me to watch Lost, I have to actually experience it.



And then we all drank until we passed out. Because that is the true meaning of Columbus Day.

ID4: It's a Celebration!

Happy Independence Day, everybody! (Well, at least for our American clientèle.) Let us celebrate with the wisdom of Kenny Brockelstein (more commonly known as Kent Brockman):



"I've said it before and I'll say it again: Democracy simply doesn't work."

So let us all drink beer and shoot off some fireworks, the most delicious combination of activities possible. But if you have to kill some time before these events can occur, perhaps you can take a look at the "Top 25 Songs About America".

And remember to ask all foreigners if they have a Fourth of July as well.