Mark May And The Infallible Logic Machine

I was watching Sportscenter yesterday, when I was presented with a case of either blinding illogic or just extremely poor research. Now, just for the record, I was only watching the travesty that is the current rendition of Sportscenter because I had left the TV on after Pardon the Interruption, my daily can't-miss show. I frame the incident in this context, because this is the kind of display that makes me dread watching the program.

In one of their manufactured-for-controversy segments, they had college football analysts Craig James and Mark May square off over a series of provoking questions, presumably in an attempt to justify their presence on the Disney company's payroll. The one question that caught my eye was "Does LSU deserve to be ranked higher than Kentucky?". And May's answer completely befuddled me.



It revolved around the generally sound principle of "if Team A beats Team B, therefore Team A must be better than Team B". On its face, this seems perfectly acceptable. Kentucky did in fact defeat LSU, and we'll ignore the fact that LSU had 3 defensive starters injured from questionably dirty play, that a phantom touchdown was awarded to Kentucky, and several dubious pass interference calls went Kentucky's way to aid them in their improbable comeback. We'll ignore that. The problem occurs when we follow this use of logic to its full end. So according to Mark May, we should have it ranked as follows:

Kentucky
LSU

Fine. Let's then take a look at who Kentucky lost to, which would be South Carolina. Continuing with the same logic, here's how they stack up:

South Carolina
Kentucky
LSU

Sounds good so far. But wait, South Carolina has one loss. To whom could that be? Oh yeah, that's right, the Gamecocks got destroyed by LSU. So it would then read:

LSU
South Carolina
Kentucky

The point is, we'd cycle back and forth indefinitely because of these particular results. In other words, either May either didn't follow his logic to its full conclusion, or was too lazy to actually look at the rest of the teams in question. And since we don't have three-dimensional polling (and ties are for pussies), let's instead give the benefit of the doubt to the team that was best described as "a giant purple gorilla with a chainsaw dick" (i.e., the LSU Tigers).



Of course this is all moot if LSU chokes against Auburn tomorrow. Then I will be dealing with my own personal set of problems.

Wu-Tang Clan Is Boring As Shit

Nic Ouzo: I'm not that big of a fan of collectives--I'm not that much of a communist. In music, these things rarely work out. I'm going to go out on a limb and say Godspeed You! Black Emperor is the only truly good one, while Broken Social Scene has their moments (the Arcade Fire, while Canadian like the other two, just simply suck balls). And it doesn't really work in hip-hop.


I know I'm going against the established critical norm by calling out Wu-Tang, but I just don't get it. Their beats are so spare and non-existent, and I have no idea what they're saying. Plus, I can't take anyone from Staten Island seriously. I'm not kidding, that's where they're from. And while I'll enjoy "Wu-Tang Clan Ain't Nothing To Fuck With" and "C.R.E.A.M." for a couple of seconds, that's not going to sustain itself for a full headlining set. Ugh. Plus, the rest of WDR will fill you in on the retardedness of their fans.

Mr. Zhaung: Nic is absolutely right. Now, I will admit that I'm not the biggest rap fan, but this was not good. Maybe it was because it was boring and I was waiting for what seemed like an eternity to see Rage, but Wu Tang just didn't do it for me.

Or maybe it was the morons that decided that setting plastic bottles on fire and dancing around them was good idea. I swear, these people could NOT afford to lose anymore brain cells. I know that the fires started just after the Cypress Hill set, but I cannot believe that the stoner crowd would be the ones to start burning plastic (I would figure they'd be too stoned to do much of anything). I doesn't matter who started it; what matters is that by the end of Wu Tang's set there were at least 6 fires burning. When the guy next to you blows pot smoke in your face and it's refreshing, that's a very bad sign.

But seriously, Wu Tang Clan ain't nothing to fuck with. Definitely the fans. They shouldn't be reproducing.

Your Hard-Hitting Local News! (Jesus Christ, This is Retarded)

The Local News has always been a target of mine. Embarrassingly innocuous at best, downright incompetent at worst, the Local News fills a void that none of us really have, unless your name is Mabel and you're tired of talking to your seven cats. At least the Local News gives you a brief respite from the terror that is conversation with Mr. Johnathan Mittens the Tabby at 6 and 11 every night. And for this, Mabel is satisfied.

I ultimately realized the general idiocy of local news one day when I saw a preview for an upcoming feature that night: we were about to be treated to an EXCLUSIVE! LOOK! at the life of a DOG CATCHER! My greatest questions have been answered, finally, by WBRZ of Baton Rouge! Praise Be! I have no problem with dog catchers--they perform a necessary service. But no, I was not dying to find out what went on in their normal routine. Call me crazy, but I imagine it involved driving around in a van, picking up the occasional stray, and not doing anything. It was a story that at least did not require advance notice.

I thought perhaps I had escaped the general idiocy of local news when I moved to the Pacific Northwest. Actually, beyond the first week where we were stuck with only broadcast channels and we watched the local news out of sheer boredom, I avoided the news. CNN and the newspaper were good enough resources. But only a few months after the move I was once again confronted with unimaginable ridiculousness:



TONIGHT AT 11!

A DAY

IN THE LIFE

OF A DOG CATCHER!!!



Dear God. It's inescapable!

I would have thought that local news' saving grace would be perhaps the big city. I've been spending my summer in DC, and one would imagine that local news would not be nearly as bad. I mean, it's our nation's capital! Government is here! Shit goes DOWN! No Dog Catcher Biographies for us!

Once again, I totally overestimated everything (or underestimating? I am not sure as to what I was estimating exactly, I'm kind of vague here. Suggestions are appreciated). Once again without cable, my nights are spent watching the broadcast channels. While this has had terrible consequences itself (I actually watched multiple episodes of CSI:Boise and Law & Order:Meter Maid Patrol (whoo! cheap stupid jokes!)), I was once again exposed to local news. While news of what's going on over on the Hill certainly was reviewed, we also were able to cover such important news as that THERE WAS A GODDAMN THUNDERSTORM. WITH LIGHTNING. AND PEOPLE SAW THE LIGHTNING. They were even interviewing people about the lightning. I shit you not, this was an actual caption of an on-air interview:

John Standen
SAW LIGHTNING

I don't know if this is worse than the hard-hitting exposés that have been featured on back-to-back weeks on the local FOX affiliate. They've uncovered the secret behind the "5-Second Rule" last week, and today be prepared to be astounded as to whether "Double Dipping" goes beyond mere social faux pas!


Why did I ever go to J-School?