Catholicism NOW!

Oh, media. I didn't realize the United States was a Catholic country until this week. With the constant fawning coverage of The Pope (non Space- version), one would be hard-pressed to come up with an alternative conclusion, at least one that wasn't as accurate as that of Intelligent Falling.

The man has had more cameras trained on him than [insert lame Britney/Paris Hilton/random other "socialite" name here (seriously, there's no real good joke here to tell)]. So much so, that I'm beginning to think that the "C" in CNN might not stand for "Cable". We eagerly await his arrival, set up multiple press conferences, and spend countless hours admiring his choice in fancy hatwear. Then we all pretend to listen to Pope Speech 3C, with the calls to end war and stem cell research and love each other and so on. You know, typical hippie crap (they never were really big fans of science (and reason) either).

The point is, it's all a bit ridiculous, no? Well, beyond the idea of a "pope", a rotating position that bestows fucking infallibility on a bishop of a specific township based on the votes of a few other bishops. We understand that he's the spiritual leader of a lot of people (I mean, every other entertainer you listen to has been "raised Catholic"--not to mention, 5 out of 9 Supreme Court Justices (with another being Episcopalian, aka "practically Catholic")), but is wall-to-wall sycophantic coverage truly necessary? Give me a 2 minute rundown, and be sure to include tips on weeding out potential fake Popes (hi-top sneakers, incredibly foul mouth, etc.)

Besides, there's only one Catholic leader that I'll listen to.



I eagerly anticipate a threatening phone call from Bill Donahue any minute now.

Do Not Read This Post, DO NOT CLICK THIS LINK

I'm serious. I am dead serious. It is in everyone's best interest that you just skip by this post. Go about your business and leave this just as a note in the historical record of the internet. Don't click the link.

What I have here, is the holy grail. It is the end of a quest that began long ago and that I thought would continue until the end of my days. However, this quest came to an abrupt and unexpected end for me the other night, and it is in the interest of history that I record it here. The mission is over. The land has been claimed in the name of... well, France I guess?... It's over, it's done. I have found it: The worst, most ridiculous, hilarious, disgusting, awful porn ever made that is not so repulsive that it is physically unwatchable. This is a milestone for both pornography AND the internet. It is a masterpiece that treads the line between hilarious and unwatchable with razor precision. It straddles every human emotion that we have a word for, and some that can only be expressed with clicks and hums, and probably some that are actually just Inuit words for snow. It is BEYOND THE BEYOND. I cannot express the brilliance of it, and the horror. Yet I submit it here, for the record. DO NOT CLICK THAT LINK. For your own good.

Don't ask me how I came to find this, In truth I don't even know anymore. It was just one of those things where someone passed me a link to something funny, and I followed a few other links that were too ridiculous to pass up, and then by the magic of the internet I arrived at pornography. This is honestly the first thing in... probably about 2 years... that has actually broken me. This brought me to hysterical tears of laughter and madness in the middle of the night. I woke up my roommate who had to come ask if I was alright because I couldn't contain my reaction. I then had to pretend it was just some conversation I was having with a friend because I couldn't bring myself to inflict this monstrosity upon him. This is one for the records, people.

Vanity: The Most Beautiful of the Deadly Sins

As an ugly ugly, fat fat fat man, there are few aspects of my appearance in which I can take a modicum of pride. Sure, my calves are sicktight, but I think it's retarded that one could look upon such a body part with any degree of pride, (plus, it's cold outside and I can't show them off). Though I do get enjoyment when I hear of other morons' vain attempts to improve their physique in this area ("if I only get calf implants, I'll totally be neck-deep in pussy!"). No, the only thing that I can be proud of is my stupid hair.

Actually, I mainly find my hair to be annoying. It really only works in one style, and there's a whole metric fuckton of it. It's not like I have a giant afro--no, it's just that there's more hair packed per-square-inch than you can imagine. The greatest part about this is that I have the same conversation with every barber:

Barber Fellow: That's a lot of hair!
Me: Sure is, hehehe (thinks of way to knife someone nearby)

But in general, I'm happy with whatever haircut I get. It's pretty hard to fuck up "just trim it". The only problem is the maintenance, because without proper care, drastic shit happens.

I end up looking like a dyke.


I have multiple factors working against me, which lead to that unfortunate possibility. One is my approximately C-cup breasts, which while potentially fantastic on a woman, are just wrong on my body. Two, my Eastern European heritage works against me, because of the stereotype in American culture that E. European women are more manly-looking than their male counterparts. All of this adds to the general confusion that could result.

Sure, I could easily rectify this problem with some careful adjustments on my part. But due to my strict pro-lazy, anti-metro policy, I do as little as possible when it comes to hair care. No blow-dry, because frying my head does not sound appealing. No mousse, because that shit is icky and gets all over your hands, with none of the fun of 'batin. And no gel, because my douche quotient is not high enough. If you use hairgel, you're a douche. And if you dare offer yourself as a counterexample, I'm sorry--next time you check the mirror you'll have a douche staring right back at you. No, all I do is run a brush through the hair a couple of times, and half-expect it to stay relatively in place for the next 20 hours.

When it all comes together, you have the one man that can rock the near-pompadour this side of Daniel Kessler from Interpol. Sure, it sounds bongtarded in theory, but it's the only thing that ever comes to working. This then leads to the compliments from the ladies, who once have gotten over their initial disgust, come to marvel at my amazing follicles. And it stays looking good, no matter what the length--from 80s I-Banker style to late 70s porn producer style, the potential is there. But then again, there's the good chance I end up looking like a man-hating lesbian.



And now, if you excuse me, it's Friday night. Time for this dyke to hit the town.

Enough With This Fucking Incense!

Just Spare Me The Suspense

So it's official this week: I am a bum. I really should have stopped in Crackton.


What the hell am I talking about? Well, I had this pipe dream of going to law school. I know, it's crazy...but we'll leave the reasons for it for another time where I tell how I totally got screwed over by the USNews Rankings. The point is that it's official, I've been formally rejected from the school with the initials U-C-L-A. It only took them until the absolute last minute for them to relay this information to me, even after I politely asked for a couple of updates. Speaking of which, I finally got that personal touch--a form letter 5 days late that I should keep them in mind if I think of transferring next year (well, small problem with that...).

So now I'm stuck on a coast that's away from all my friends from college, and in a town that's away from all my high school friends because they're still in school. It's going to be a glorious few months as I seek employment, I'll tell you that much.



Well, moving on...what are we going to do here at WDR while I sob quietly in the corner? We decided that next week will unofficially be dubbed "Perv Week". This is mainly because we've had a lot of posts in our backlog that pretty much run along this theme, so we might as well go out. You'll be hearing about Joe Reefer's turn-ons and the sexual misadventures of Mr. Zhuang from me; Mr. Zhuang will provide something that our homosexual readership will enjoy (just look at the hits we've gotten about Ronnie Coleman!); and Joe Reefer will probably come up with something amazingly hilariously awful, as only the man responsible for the "Involving the Female Vagina" tag can. Plus, we'll cap it off with a sure-to-be controversial (and pretty damn offensive) post on Friday which should provoke engaging intellectual discussion worldwide.

Be prepared for "Perv Week"--at least until we come up with a better name.