WDR's New Look!

OMFGZ!

The Wayne Diego Report has a new look! We even have a picture of Mr. Diego himself gracing the blog! What fun!

Do you like it? Think it sucks? Don't know why you're here? Are you looking for Ronnie Coleman pictures and/or tentacle rape porn? Whatever the case may be, leave a comment to let us know what you think!

Wait... IS THIS THING NOT EVEN ON?????

So here I've been plugging away making posts and comments with WDR's new patented psyposting helmet, a wonderful device that allows you to post all your thoughts to WDR just by thinking about them (and also corrects your spellnig), when I am informed that none of these posts have gone through. That's right folks, the fiendish Nic Ouzo and Mr. Zhuang tricked me into believing that all my posts were going through when in fact no such digitizing of thoughts was occurring. This is all a part of their evil scheme to phase me out of the blog so that they can make it officially a sports blog, and so far I have been thwarting them by posting non-stop in a fury of text that would baffle even the most competently literate of readers.

I apologize for this tragedy of internet-literature and will let you all know what you have been missing by listing the titles of the posts that were eaten by my coworkers' cruel ploy:

• Underdog - What Aren't They Telling Us?
• How Long Can You Wait Before Your Urine Isn't Safe To Drink Anymore
• Who Are You, and What's That Smell?
• Some Don't Consider Competitive Talking a Sport, but I Don't Care Either Way
  
• A Comprehensive Thesis On Maximization of Profit for the Average American
• "My Gawd Julien, You Unleashed An Ocean of Pleasure Upon My Bosom!", She Said. And Now You Can To!
• I Am In A Tiny Pitch Black Room That Grows Smaller Every Time I Blink My Eyes

and, of course

• Shrimp or Dog - You Decide

There are a lot of things I have to catch up on now, thanks to my art, my life, my posts, being so fraudulently kept from you - the internet. However, for now I will leave you with some random musings. I hope you enjoy.


Why does NASA have a channel of it's own? Have you ever really thought about this? I mean, no other government agencies have a tv station of their own. No other government labs or other research/development groups get a station. I mean, yeah putting things in outer-space is cool, but what makes it better than what the other government science/technology groups are doing?

I was watching the NASA channel a few minutes ago, and it was just showing a montage of swooping shots of satellites dishes that looked like they had been filmed in the 70's. For a while the cameraman even got bored and just kept the camera focused on a deer that he saw wander by. I don't understand why this was being broadcast.

I think that they should make it a government sponsored science/engineering/technology channel or something instead. I think that if all the research and development going on in the country was in the pool to be shown on this station, it would probably have a much more reliable assortment of watchable programming. Not that I don't like 10-hour marathons of a seemingly stationary spaceship trajectory, or just the NASA logo in full-screen glory..... but seriously. Come on.



Anyway, that is all for tonight. There will be more posts forthcoming. You may now return to your regularly scheduled youtubing of "boobs mentos diet coke", inviting your of your friends to stupid-ass facebook groups and apps, and high-quality pornography.

Up and At Them!

It's probably best we start off with the Boring and Redundant in our celebration (it only makes sense, plus I have a 3-hour head start on the rest of the WDR crew). What makes this post especially Boring and Redundant? Well, the fact that I'm going to take the funniest thing ever created in the last 20 years and attempt to reflect on its impact--something that is being done simultaneously by millions of other would-be writers (and other no-talent asshats in general). Killing two birds with one stone, folks.

I'll start with a personal story. For years I was not allowed to watch any TV at all during the week. Of course I compensated for this by generally spending 98% of my waking hours between Friday afternoon and Monday morning enraptured by the wondrous glow of the television, but the fact still remains that I went sans TV for a good part of my childhood. Not that I complain--it probably made me ten times the student that I would have been otherwise. It wasn't until years later that I was conceded one hour of TV watching per night.



Of course there was no question as to how I would spend that precious hour--I would use it up completely watching the daily reruns of The Simpsons. What's even more amazing was that I had banned from watching that program for years due to its "inappropriate content". It was only because my mom one day caught a glimpse of the brilliant satire--the line went something like "America has the best health care in the world!...behind Canada, France, England, Costa Rica, Russia, Guatemala..."

The Simpsons then would become an integral part of my persona. Yes, that looks awfully pathetic now that I see it writing, but its the truth. Its style of humor shaped my own sense of humor, as it did for countless others of our generation. We appreciated its irony, its absurdity, and its candor. It was the complete package. It would provide the perfect answer to anything that happened in your life. Raining outside? "Lousy Smarch weather". Something is disappointing you? "Worst. Episode. Ever." Make a grammatical error? "Me fail English? That's unpossible." Confronted with a ridiculous proposition? "Marge, I agree with you--in theory. In theory, Communism works. In theory." You've just triumphed over a space coyote? "In your face, Space Coyote!"



The Simpsons touch on everything from government ("I'll say it once, and I'll say it again--democracy simply doesn't work!") to religion ("I'm not normally a religious man, but if you're up there, save me Superman!") to our education system ("That’s why I love elementary school, Edna. The children believe anything you tell them"). They've covered everything so thoroughly, that South Park made an entire episode about it--The Simpsons Did It! (a completely unoriginal point, but still true). When people look back to and study our culture hundreds of years from now, they could save themselves a lot of time and watch a good portion of the Simpsons's run. Plus anyone who's read this post has to love it when Homer taunts a group of Turks with "Come back here, you Cyprus-splitting jerks!"

So this is why we're giddy with anticipation over this movie. Sure, they've insulted my alma mater on multiple occasions ("Trick Pouring, which can be taken for credit at Dartmouth College!" and "I'll be drinking like a Dartmouth Boy"--not too bad at all, considering the digs they get in at Brown and Princeton (Otto nearly got tenure there and being a "clown college", respectively)). Sure, they've passed their creative peak, but we're still guaranteed a good laugh. Sometimes pointless nostalgia can have a point.



Now that I've said my piece, I'm going to go watch the hour of Simpsons reruns on TV now and drink. Because alcohol is the cause of--and solution--to many of life's problems!

Harry Potter and the Mandatory Spoiler Joke

WDR's One Month Anniversary of course shares its esteemed date with another joyous event... No, I'm not talking about the Turkish Invasion of Cyprus; I am of course talking about THE NEW HARRY POTTER OMGsus!!!

For those of you unaware of what I am talking about, The new novel in the Harry Potter series, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, goes on sale tonight. Of course, we at WDR received an advance copy weeks ago, courtesy of JK Rowling. As the resident literate here at WDR, it has of course been my job to dive into this tomb and divulge its juicy molten core. I must say, like a mother railing against a wildly ignorant spouse who mistakenly touched the refrigerator, THERE ARE SPOILERS BELOW - - HOWEVER, for you loyal readers torn between your allegiance to WDR and HP (which for some reason just reminds me of a venereal disease now that I think about it,) I will provide a service for you. I will separate out the spoilers between paragraphs so you pure-bred readers won't get spoiled... As many of you know, this Harry Potter reached a historical record for most actual working titles, so I will also preface a spoiler with one of the many working titles for the novel. When you see one of these working titles, simply skip the next sentence or paragraph and you'll be safe! ONWARD!

Working Title #1: Harry Potter and the Deafly Hollows
Spoiler: Coming as a complete shock to most readers, Harry Potter discovers that the villain he has been battling throughout almost every novel probably has come back or something.

JK Rowling has presented us with yet another masterpiece of English Literature. She will truly go down as one of the greats: Shakespeare... uh... JK Rowling... ... Jane Austen? - Fuck, what am I saying, I should wash my mouth out with soap just for thinking that name. Either way, this woman has inspired a whole generation to read; not something to sneeze at given the times. However, with every positive aspect in media there is of course an enormous writhing drawback. I am of course speaking of the hordes of rabid fans that swarm every forthcoming Potter release like so many ants upon discovery of a sugary drop that has escaped from a now-crying child's ice cream cone. The difference of course, is that rather than being able to lift 10-times their own weight, these folks instead possess the ability to read at -10 years their age. Fan issues aside, I praise JK Rowling for giving the kids something to do with their time that will prepare them for the rest of their lives... mechanically moving their eyes left-to-right and of course up-and-down, Reaching for their wallet in a near-Pavlovian response to a new marketing campaign, and of course assuming they will be able to walk through that pillar at the bus stop... even if they really know they can't, it will be a nice escape from their jobs bagging groceries or operating a pet-washing machine.

Working Title #2: Harry Potter and the Dependable Childhood Audience
Spoiler: That girl character you hear people talking about? you know, the one that's not the one you see in the previews... the other one? Yeah. Turns out you were right, they are the same person.

This new chapter in our favorite series finds our characters furthering their long-established predicament. Harry Potter, an unimaginatively named Ceramicist, struggles with an inability to grow a beard due to his raging Alopecia Areata... a lesser-known side effect of prolonged exposure to moist clay. Trust me, that chick from Ghost suffered from it; that's why you never heard from her after that movie. Ghost was actually a surprisingly violent movie. I mean, there's that scene at the end where the bad guy gets stabbed through the torso with a broken window pane. Who expects that when they're watching it the first time? It comes out of nowhere.

Working Title #3: Harry Potter and the I'm Still Writing These?
Spoiler: You outgrew this series 10 years ago, and will die alone.

Of course, what Mr. Potter doesn't know is that a rare side-effect of Alopecia Areata is vivid hallucinations, and as such he continues his journey as a wizard juggling the mundane with amazing confrontations with the most evil nemesis of the imaginary magic world his feverish brain dreams up. His empowered female cohort, Hermione... another unimaginative phonetically-named character stemming from Rowling's rampant lesbian tendencies while under the influence of Ecstasy... is apparently not his girlfriend. I just learned that the other day... Did you know there are characters in these books that you haven't seen in the previews for the movies? - I didn't.

Working Title #4: Harry Potter and the Unspeakable Shame
Spoiler: I'm getting tired of this review.

Blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah. Blah blah-blah blah blah blah? - Blah. Blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah. BLAH blah blah, blah blah blah... blah blah blah blah... Blah blah blah blah blah-blah blah blah.

Working Title #5: Harry Potter and the Reason Your Girlfriend Isn't Doing Something With You On A Friday Night
Spoiler: Ah fuck it... Let's do this thing, shall we? I've been waiting too many years...

Harry Potter and the Childhood Delusions of Grandeur
Harry Potter and the Pirates of the Ring
Harry Potter and the Lucrative Franchise
Harry Potter and the Joke Title I Stole From My Friend
Harry Potter and the Thriving Child Pornography Industry
Harry Potter and the Repeated Joke Title
Harry Potter and the Latest in a Long Line of Excuses Your Girlfriend Uses Not to Sleep with You
Harry Potter and the Actually, Now That I Think About it... She Does Spend A Lot of Time Reading
Harry Potter and the Those Books and Watching Those Movies... It Had Better Not All Be an Excuse
Harry Potter and the To Wait for Me to Go to Sleep So She Doesn't Have To Put Out...
Harry Potter and the That Bitch!
Harry Potter and the Schizophrenic Fantasy That Gets You Through Middle School
Harry Potter and the Hole You Threw Your Money Into
Harry Potter and the Why Does Dad Touch Me At Night?
Harry Potter and the Something Something
Harry Potter and the Capitalist's Wet Dream
Harry Potter and the Way You Forgot Mixed Fractions
Harry Potter and the Future Source of All Celebrity Drug Abuse
Harry Potter and the Name Of This Book
Harry Potter and the Gimmick That Wouldn't Die
Harry Potter and the Cruisin' For A Bruisin'
Harry Potter and the Hey, Brian's IMing me!
Harry Potter and the Thing To Distract Girls With So They Don't Learn Math
Harry Potter and the I Could Go On
Harry Potter and the But I Think This is the
Harry Potter and the End of This Post