Now I want to first establish my bona fides. I am known to sling down whiskey, rum, gin, tequila, etc. with the best of them. I have watched Altered States in an Altered State. I have been known to play a round of Pong or five, sometimes with shots instead of the traditional beer. I am also the man who created the Devil's Balls. What's that? Here's the recipe
The Devil's Balls:
2 parts vodka
2 parts tequila
3 parts Jaeger (so it goes down smooth)
Serve in coffee cup. Because that's the Breakfast of a Goddamn Champion
And as I have proven from coast-to-coast, I am the fastest drinker of Jaeger and Irish Car Bombs that you will see, despite my only mediocre ability to chug any other beverage. I also hold my own with beer (the strong German type, not American pisswater), but don't know the full extent of my abilities--I don't overindulge, because I'm trying to watch my figure. In other words, if your Drinking Team is about to go into battle, you want me on your side. But there is one drink that is my kryptonite.
That's right, fucking Peppermint Schnapps. I do well with all other varieties of Schnapps, but there's something about the Ice 101 that makes me overindulge, and I'm left a loud (and often dancing) mess. It might be that I'm always looking for that old Christmas Spirit, so I seek out alcohol that tastes like Candy Canes on Crack. Who knows, but that's my shame right there.
Mr. Zhuang: He's been known to partake in a variety of beverages, including the WDR favorite, rum (because we are a seafaring people). However, when Zhuang took a trip down to Montego Bay, disastrous results occurred.
Joe Reefer: Joe is classy. He will drink that Brandy out of a snifter, like a proper gentleman. But he also rocks the Southern Comfort, a drink reserved for the White Trash and for Southern Sorority Girls. And when he imbibes, that is when he reveals how he and his cousin touched weiners*. This is clearly the combination to the vault, as Seinfeld would say.
*Did not actually happen. But other crazy shit is often revealed.
Von Bookman: The one known weakness of this inter-dimensional being is a drink called Khoma. Lethal to mere mortals due to its heavy concentration of Clorox Bleach (heavy concentration being "anything higher than 0%"), this merely slows down this strange creature.
Dr. Kwabert: Does not do well with sake. I don't have a joke here, other than it's after drinking this that the Doctor starts shouting "Let's chop cats!".
Hal, the Holiday Armadillo: Coffee. Hal seems to do alright with alcohol, but I'm pretty sure it's his constant intake of the Java that keeps him in often ill health.
Sea Cow: Bartles & James.
There you go. Feel free to leave comments, all who read this, and reveal what your secret shame is. And I need to go get some absinthe, because goddammit, I need to visit the Green Fairy. Enjoy The Doors, and grab yourself a beer.
