WDR Attempts To Conquer All Media

We here at WDR are at a crossroads*. If you look at our output over the course of our three year existence, you'll notice a downward trend in the number of our posts. We've provided a helpful graph so you can better understand.



Now you may assume that there has been an increase in the quality of our posts, since we have to pack all our good...shit into fewer posts. This would be an incredibly stupid assumption--the only reason our posts are limited are because we've become even fatter and lazier than we already were. Seriously, I can't even comprehend why you would even think that, even if you had the best of intentions. Any particular article that you may have liked better from our recent output is just pure dumb luck. Frankly, you make me sick**.

Now we could be like most of Corporate America and blame our decrease in productivity on the economy. This has been what our parent company, Generica, has been pushing. But that would be a damn lie, and we have never used this space to lie to you, the reader***. And actually, we had several posts that were ready for print, but our intern Rasheed lost them at some point. Our new intern, Ho Tran, will be doing some work to help recover those posts, and hopefully they'll be published at some point, but I wouldn't hold my breath (Ho Tran makes Rasheed look like a goddamn genius).

Instead, we've decided to come through with one of our trademark empty promises. We're going to post more this year. It's not like my grades are going to go down any more if I spend more time writing. So at least you'll have more stuff from the Ouzo man. Zhuang-o will do his usual work, so no big change there. And we've currently hired a bounty hunter to track down Joe Reefer, and given said bounty hunter free reign to do what he can to convince Joe to once again write.

Meanwhile, in an attempt at overcompensation, WDR is expanding into a new medium! That's right, we can't even maintain a presence in one, but fuck it, let's try something else! Generica was telling us all about "social media" and to tell you the truth, we were a little drunk at that staff meeting, but they created a Twitter account for the site! Twitter really is bullshit, but hey, if you want WDR's quick take on something, just check it out--of course, we only have one tweet up there now, but the point is WE HAVE THE CAPABILITY TO DO SO MUCH MORE. So follow us at twitter.com/thewaynediego, because some asshole took the name "WayneDiego". And hey, each of us has our own twitter page as well (@NicOuzo, @manadajigity, and @djcozmik). Do with that information what you will; if that response is to spam the hell out of us, why not.



*Though only of the metaphorical variety. As far as we know, the internet is not a literal superhighway, but only one of those informational kinds of superhighways

**But I make music.

***Except for the many times that we have lied to you. I don't know what to tell you, but you did sign those release forms, so haha, nothing you can do.

ASEVoIS: Health Care, Redux

One of the first articles we wrote back in the early days of WDR was an article on health care in this country. Back then, I was arguing that instead of wasting our time talking past each other on immigration (when a real solution would have merely involved a simple compromise), we should spend our time discussing a real problem like health care. It only took us two years to reach this point, but it looks like we've finally awakened to the problem.

Except what we have on our hands is not an argument, but the usual demagoguery and the like. This doesn't even speak to the issue that's been dominant in the media portrayal, the raucous nature of the town halls. To tell you the truth, besides the usual fear of having crazy-ass bastards bringing loaded guns to Presidential events, I don't have a problem with these events as a whole. I don't buy into the "Astroturf" arguments advanced by the left--these are no repeats of the Brooks Brothers riot for the most part, but instead the actions of a (mostly uninformed) citizenry. By attempting to deride the nature of these protests, the debate ends up being nothing but a series of ad hominem attacks that obscure the genuine issues on the table.

We understand the nature of the reforms being discussed at this point, with the main focus being on the public option. We've heard the potential benefits--lower costs, get uninsured on the rolls, free lollipops. So instead we should take the time to address some of the concerns.


Why the public option? We're a republic, we need a free-market solution! Free-markets!

Sure, free-markets are great. In theory, they're just about the best thing we have, and are a brilliant instrument. The problem is, even as it stands now, health care as a free market is broken. Free markets depend on the exchange of information and choice, and what we have now is neither.

Think about this: how much choice do you as a recipient of insurance have in choosing your provider? If you're like me and million of others, you have absolutely none. I just use the one that my school has signed with, and I don't even get dental. You're also probably with whatever provider your employer has made a deal, and they probably did that without any input from you. Or, to take another approach, if you live in some states, there's a 94% chance you're signed with BlueCross or some other conglomerate. In other words, there is no "choice" in this system.

Or think about the possibility of checking out your own insurance provider. You're not going to have any idea how effective they are with their coverage, because it often requires personal experience with the exact crisis--it may be great for that workplace back injury, but you just might get fucked over when that tumor on your pancreas develops. If you were going to make an actual choice, you need information--and it is in scarce supply.

But free-markets are efficient
Our free-market is so efficient that we spend more per-capita on health care than any other nation, yet our health care is only 37th best. Our health care is so efficient that we spend 16% of our GDP on it, while France at number 1 spends 9% (and insures all of their citizens). Clearly, the greatest benefit of the free market has not borne fruit when it comes to health care.

Consider the overhead costs of public versus private plans. Whereas overhead in private insurance (money that is sent to administrators and the like) can reach as high as 30%, the same costs in Medicare and other government health programs are in the low single digits. So much for "government waste".

I don't want someone choosing my doctor/plan/operation for me
Have you ever dealt with an insurance company? That is EXACTLY what already happens--you can only see their doctors, go to their hospitals, etc. And god forbid you ever had to negotiate with an insurance company over whether or not your operation could be covered or not.

The point is that for the most part, these decisions are ALREADY BEING MADE for you. The only thing that will change is that the person that may do this for you will be wearing a different suit, provided of course you end up with the same coverage (and considering the number of people that are currently underinsured, this is unlikely).

Get the government out of my Medicare!
Sir, put down the ether.



DEATH PANELS DEATH PANELS DEATH PANELS
This has been discussed rationally and in-depth by everyone. But people, if you're getting your facts from Sarah Palin, noted language-expert, well...you need a new source.

We need to cut costs
YES. That is exactly what we need to do, thank you. That's why the public option is so integral to the process--by using the government's negotiating power of millions of citizens, better prices can be negotiated, and help force downward pressure on ever-escalating costs. And with an aging population, this is more of an issue than ever before.

So this is an issue that both Republicans and Democrats agree on. Yet the Republicans can only attack the Democrats, and just continue to spout CUT COSTS. Of course, if you asked them about their plans and what costs they would cut, they shut the fuck up and just offer a two-page outline of a "plan". They also create DEATH PANEL rumors. See guys, I'd love to hear your solution, but you have to offer something.

What about tort reform?
Getting at the lawyers is always a good idea. But you know, this is really not the answer to the problem. And this is not just because I'm working to becoming a lawyer myself--hell, I don't think I could stomach doing things like personal injury.

The thing is, medical malpractice suits represent such a minimal percent of total health care costs that reform would barely make any dent on the process. And if you look at this article, it also is explained how despite those extremely large settlements you hear about, it's NOT the driving factor behind rising costs. Of course, those cases represent but the smallest minority of potential malpractice claims, and usually involve a catastrophic injury of some sort--putting a cap on losing your legs at $250,000 sounds pretty ridiculous.

Tort reform advocates also ignore the fact that while there are cases of frivolous lawsuits, these are usually pretty rare. They also ignore how the cards are stacked against the plaintiff in these cases--the reliance on expert medical testimony, the influence of doctor panels, etc., are all heavily biased in favor of the defendant. So when these cases do succeed, there's usually clear and convincing evidence, and many unsuccessful cases may in fact be the result of gross negligence. So yeah, tort reform is not the answer.


Have you read the 1200 page bill
There is no bill. There are multiple bills--one House bill, and probably around four Senate bills. Nothing is final yet, so it's stupid to get in a tizzy over half-made sausage. And for the record, only about a quarter of that 1200 page bill is anything but boilerplate.

Obama is a Nazi Kenyan Marxist Alien!
Who let Lyndon LaRouche into this forum?

Besides, all you people who are apparently so concerned about the Constitution, they should be mad with Obama for other things. I'm not sure what the Constitution said about health care (Ed. Note: it says nothing), but it does say a lot about rights to a trial and use of executive power. Jesus people, read more Glenn Greenwald and get angrier about Obama's preventive detention policy and his Justice Department's attempts to expand the use of the state's secrets privilege. Oh wait, I forgot, this only concerns "fereners," so you don't give a shit.

We are not Canada! We are not France!
True enough. But it is amazing when you have people like Daryl Issa and Jack Kingston, both Republicans, talk about the efficiencies of the French Health Care system (see last week's Real Time with Bill Maher), yet deride the proposed reforms. These reforms are only halfway approximations of those models, yet this is taking the wrong approach. Amazing.

Hopefully this helps answer some of the questions you've had. If it doesn't, I don't know, look it up some place that Glenn Beck won't look into--that'd probably be a good start.

Meaningless Debate: Best Repairman

People have always wondered how things measure up to other things. Like, who would win in a fight: a bear or a shark? Dinosaurs or man? Alien or predator?

These imaginary competitions are really meaningless, but they're also alluring in a somewhat retarded way. And so it is with great pleasure that I announce the first WDR Meaningless Debate: Best Repairman!

Our first contender: Archibald "Harry" Tuttle


The awesome repairman/government subversive in Terry Gilliam's Brazil. Played by Robert DeNiro.

Quote: "Listen, this old system of yours could be on fire and I couldn't even turn on the kitchen tap without filling out a 27b/6... Bloody paperwork"

Contender number 2: Bill


The repairman from the craptastic voyage that is House 2: The Second Story. He's played by John Ratzenberger and is probably the best thing in the movie. That and the crystal skull thing that was important for some reason.

Quote: (Looking into a hole in the wall) "There it is. Looks like you've got some kind of alternate universe in there or something."



There they are! Now it's time for you, the reader, to debate who is the better fictional repairman. GO!

Bringing A Smile to Any Dead Kennedys Fan

Sometimes CNN justifies its existence. Other times, not so much. But when it comes to bringing up the most random retarded stories, it has no equal.

I bring you the tale of a Milwaukee gentleman and his lawnmower. Well, the gentleman, his lawnmower, and a dangerous firearm. Surprisingly, these elements were all found in conjunction and aided by the effects of alcohol. [Shocked face]

And if you're wondering why the hell we're referencing the Dead Kennedys, then just find yourself a copy of Give Me Convenience Or Give Me Death and enjoy such kickass tunes as this one.

The "M" Stands For "Moronic"

You may remember a post from way back when in which we informed you that MTV was trying to figure out what the "M" actually stood for in their name. While we never got word about what actually happened during what was sure to have been A Great Meeting of Minds, I can tell you one thing about MTV's identity crisis--the "M" sure as hell doesn't stand for music any more.

Of course, this isn't exactly new info. MTV's downward spiral has been apparent for years to anyone that cared, long before things like "My Super Sweet 16" and "The Hills" managed to depress any American with a sense of morals. But it is in this author's humble opinion that MTV has just reached a new low.

They're doing Spongebob Squarepants reruns now.



Not content to have at least one channel play reruns all day, Viacom has now decided to bestow upon its MTV channel the privilege of airing this show on a nightly basis. This absolutely bongtarded show, in the truest sense of the word. And MTV is playing up this angle, airing ads for this stating that "This is your brain on Spongebob" in a heavy monotone drug-induced voice that is familiar to any viewer of early '90s anti-drug PSA's.

I remember a time when even though MTV didn't play music videos, they'd at least make creative attempts with things like their own animated shows. "Beavis and Butthead" and "Daria" are classics, and I'm sure other people had their favorites. But now, all we get is goddamn Spongebob. Thanks MTV, we really appreciate the effort.

How To Drink Like A Greek

Greeks aren't especially known for their drinking (like say, the Irish), but reputation isn't everything. As anyone who has been to a Greek restaurant after-hours would know, we know how to throw a party down, courtesy of more than a few spirits. We're the kind of people that don't necessarily go all out and match you shot-for-shot, but at the end of the night we're the ones still standing and dancing and having your girl make eyes at us. In other words, we're marathon drinkers, not sprinters--but we'll beat you in sprinting if we have to as well.

So it comes as no surprise that in my travels back to the homeland that drinking made up a prime component. The country just lends itself to drinking at any hour in the day. You of course drink plenty with your meals, but say, it's just 2 in the afternoon--crack open another bottle. It's hot "as fuck" outside--time for a cold one. Bored? Not for long you aren't. All in all, I had more beer than...well, since a Tuesday night at Dartmouth.

Beer Me

The other benefit of drinking in Greece is its relatively close distance from Germany. I had more delicious German beers than I could shake a sausage at, including ones that I had never heard of before in my life. I tended to stick with Kaiser, since it was a hearty lager that was available at just about every taverna, though at home I was free to explore whatever the local grocery store happened to have that day. That's not to say I didn't have some Greek beer. Mythos is the brand that is most well-known among the American tourists, and it's not surprising considering how it tastes like a less-pussy version of Budweiser. But the true Greek beer is Alpha, which is much more influenced by German brewing. It's not nearly as common, but worth seeking out if you have the chance.

Of course, the main attraction is not beer in Greece, it's Retsina! Nah, we don't even drink that most of the time. No, the drink of choice is of course ouzo, something that you would be inclined to believe that I know something about (hint: look at my name, jerkass). Unfortunately, most non-Greeks are unfamiliar with ouzo, so as a Concerned Citizen, I'm providing a quick lesson on the basics.

Choosing An Ouzo

Most people in the US are unfamiliar with the various brands of ouzo. This is not really their fault--most liquor stores only carry one, maybe two brands. And usually the brand that they carry is the completely awful Metaxa, which makes drinking gasoline seem like a great way to quench your thirst. Since this is the introduction to ouzo for many, you can see why ouzo isn't more popular. On the other hand, if you're lucky enough, you can stumble upon 12, which is much, much better than Metaxa. Plus, it comes from my mom's hometown, so there's some regional pride showing through.

However, when in Greece, you should get your hands on Plomario, which is the standard-bearer of ouzo. While 12 may be the equivalent of Grey Goose or Belvedere, Plomario is the Russian Standard of ouzo--there's a clear difference in quality, and it's not even that much more expensive. On the other hand, you're always welcome to try the various random offerings you'll find. Of course, you can always choose an ouzo based on the best-looking bottle.



Word to the wise: be careful when selecting the local ouzo when you're at a taverna. Not exactly the same 80 proof stuff you'll find in the standardized fare, I'll tell you that much. I guess just make sure you're not driving afterwards.

How to Drink Ouzo

Ouzo is not meant to be done in shots; doing that just proves you're an idiot, not a man. It's meant for summer days, it's meant for relaxation, so you sip it. Take your time, there's still plenty left for you to drink later. This way, you won't be dead drunk after 20 minutes.

Also, it's best not to drink ouzo straight. The Greek way is to pour it over ice cubes. Not only does this soften the taste of it, but you get the added cool factor of seeing two clear substances (ice, ouzo) combine to form a white drink. This will blow the minds of your (probably intoxicated) friends.

Well, now you're ready to drink like a pro--you're ready to drink like a Greek. Good luck, you're going to need it.

Tales of Old Salem Towne: Of Glass Bongs And Lucky Fortunes

Salem: Taking the Fun Out of Psychedelics Since the Mid-19th Century

Nothing may ever top the tale of Methheads On The Loose, but that doesn't mean that the exploits of Salemfolk should be ignored. No, there is simply too much good shit that goes down in Capital City that needs to be remarked upon, and we're here to fulfill that purpose.

Now, I'm not one for studying the local paper--I skim a headline or two, and mainly check the various Op-Eds, because I'm a masochist like that (God forbid it's a Thursday and I have to examine a David Reinhard piece). But for some reason, fate drew me to this story on the bottom-fold of the front page, and I thank fate kindly for that. Simply put, it was a story of two men and their drugs.

Really, the headline "Glass bong becomes weapon amid drug-induced paranoia" says all you really need to know about the story. The story goes 1) Man eats mushrooms; 2) Man goes on bad trip; 3) Man accuses buddy of being a narc; 4) Man then uses closest thing to a weapon (the glass bong of the headline) to knock the shit out of buddy. All of which is proof that there are certain people that should be prepared to take the path of bullshit enlightenment, and others that should just stick with huffing spray-paint in the safety of their attic, or just drinking like the rest of us. Of course, you could also take the lesson to be "Don't leave your glass shit lying everywhere".


On a completely unrelated note, Salem landmark "Lucky Fortune" restaurant & lounge is on the brink of losing their liquor license\, therefore making the entire operation potentially pointless. Mind you, I'm only using the term landmark in the loosest sense--in reality, it's only a landmark to the WDR crew, who have constructed an entire mythology behind what we believe to be the one mob-backed eatery in town (well, yakuza-backed to be specific). Of course, when we heard that the reason for this is the fact that people constantly get shot there, we couldn't say that we were surprised. Not coming from a place that recently scored a 48 on its health inspection test.

We'll be sure to keep you updated, as more trivial retarded shit develops.

Firings, Layoffs, and Other Intra-Office Hijinx

Some of you may have noticed the slow downturn in productivity around these here parts. If this were a regular corporate office, we could probably blame intrusive government tax infrastructure and a tightening of the commodities market as being key factors that have contributed to the gradual shittening of our product. Of course, if that were the case, you the consumer would probably blame goddamn illegal immigrants (read: Mexicans) from doing something to fuck up the system, like giving us the plague and stealing our Social Security numbers. And you're both right. In that nothing of the sort has occurred.

No, what has really happened is that we've simply dropped the ball. But it's not our fault entirely. Well, it is and it isn't. Let me explain.

If you take a look at our post count in the sidebar, you'll notice fluctuations in our post counts month to month. We hum along at a good clip for the most part, but we begin to die in November, tailing off into December and January. The natural assumption would be that Shitty Weather = S.A.D. and a lack of desire to offer our deliciously witty insights. But you fool, you didn't look at a big enough sample size! Notice that February saw a rise in postings, when weather has empirically been found to be at it's Shittiness Index Zenith. But in March, we saw our output decline again. Why?



It's because the authors all met each other in person and hung out together. And thus eliminated our desire to write. Because, really folks, the only reason we really do this site is to make each laugh; when we are physically in each other's presence, we really don't need the middleman of WDR to make our brilliant points. Hence, productivity declines.

But The Namesake has had enough of these shenanigans, and he has personally instituted some changes. First off, Joe Reefer has been temporarily demoted to LiveJournal postings as the result of a drunken voicemail message that disparaged the French and retards. He thinks that the punishment of acting like a 14 year-old post-Goth girl is certainly adequate. Second, Mr. Zhuang will have his coke privileges revoked, so hopefully we don't have any repeats of what happened in the lobby of that one Marriott. And I, Nic Ouzo, have been entered into psychological counseling as I attempt to deal with the tragic loss of my Pog collection.



Oh, and our accounting staff has been fired, and Rasheed has been let go. On the bright side, we're on the lookout to hire new interns!

St. Patrick's Day Redux

Yes, we realize that it is way past the appropriate time for a St. Paddy's Day post. But "timing" has never stopped us before. So now is as good a time as any to go over various drunken shenanigans.

This year, that meant much more mischief than usual. Well, quantifiably speaking, approximately two times as much mischief, since we celebrated it twice (math is fun!). That's because the feast of St. Paddy fell right in the middle of Holy Week, and Catholic liturgical rules say that you can't celebrate the Day Of Green Beer during such a somber occasion. So most churches pushed to celebrate the holiday earlier, especially on the 15th. And we took advantage of this.

And of course, who are we to question the Catholic Church? I mean, they can't just spend every day coming up with brand-new Deadly Sins. Though, let's be honest, conducting stem-cell research just doesn't have the same Zazz! as GLUTTONY. But we figured that this is as good a time as any to heed the word of Pope Joey Ratz. Well, only so long as when applied it benefited us--we had no qualms with celebrating during Holy Week.



That meant two celebrations--one on the coast, and one in the Irish hamlet of Salem Towne. Did anything special occur? Not really, considering that we drink the Irish Car Bombs on a weekly basis. Though there was awful, awful dancing that took place. And that's worth celebrating.

From the "I Can't Believe He's Still Alive/Working" File

If you're anything like us, you've watched countless hours of television. This is of course, a good thing--you're helping to stimulate the economy by downloading thousands of hours of advertising into your brain, which will then float into your subconscious and will force you to buy that fantastic contraption, ye olde "Magic Bullet" at the local Stop 'N' Shop. At least, I think that's how it works. I could be wrong, but I doubt it.


The point is, you've probably come across the crazy ramblings of this combination of The Riddler/Urkel that is pictured to the right here. That's Matthew Lesko, in case you're wondering, and he's the guy that yells at you with claims of being able to give you "free money" and such. He's a generous guy, this Lesko character. And you shouldn't let the fact that what he's selling you is utter bullshit stand in your way!


Why do I bring this up? Well, last night I was spending my time doing extremely productive things--namely, watching Sgt. Bilko for the 15th time*--when all of a sudden I see this dancing leprechaun on my screen. After a few seconds, I realize that it is Matthew Lesko, with a NEW commercial! He's slightly older, and has a more retarded haircut these days, but he's still jibber-jabbering like the idiot we all love. So congratulations, Mr. Lesko: You're not dead.

*I know what many of you are thinking--Sgt. Bilko?!? But it's one of those movies that I watch whenever it's on--and since STARZ! used to rerun it 5 times a week, I've seen it plenty of times. In the future, we could do a rundown of movies that fit this description. In fact, next time we haven't posted something for a day, remind us and we'll do just that. We're really responsive like that.

Here I am...

...Rock you like a hurricane!

Now I know a lot of people have already commented on it, but I have to say something. This new game "Rock Band" does not make any sense to me at all. People can get together and "start a band" with the help of fake instruments and a game console. They can pretend to play a real concert in the comfort of their own home without actually learning how to play an instrument and waste more time in their parents' basement after they've gotten stoned.

I'm not the kind of person that complains about said wasting time or getting stoned. But what bothers me is this game. Why can't people just get together and play crappy rock in their basements? Hasn't this been done for years? It's not that hard to make shitty music in your parents' basement. Shit, I was doing it earlier today. And I was on MySpace. Seriously, it's not that hard to do.

OK, so musical instruments are "expensive" and "take up a lot of space" and "piss of the neighbors." So what? I'm in college, completely broke and I have AT LEAST 4 musical instruments in my room. I have a working knowledge of AT LEAST 2 of them. I play through an amp made by Marlboro. I shit you not. I got this amp for free. Trust me.

But perhaps I'm looking at this the wrong way. I mean, most good bands started playing in some body's garage/basement (save bands like Cream or A Perfect Circle), but so did a lot of horrible bands. Perhaps there wouldn't be nearly as many Linkin Parks or Nickelbacks or Plain White T's if these kids spent their time getting high and playing video games instead of trying to be "musical." But I'd also hate to see someone with real potential fall through the cracks just because of a video game. I mean, what if Trent Reznor was obsessed with video games so much that it drove him AWAY from music?

Oh wait, Trent Reznor did do that playing Doom. (And you thought he was battling his "personal" demons between The Downward Spiral and The Fragile. How wrong you were...) And come to think of it, those kids that aren't serious about playing music probably should play this game, because they probably aren't going to contribute anything worthwhile to the world of music anyway. Perhaps "Rock Band" is doing us a service.

No, fuck that. They're out there to make money. So drop you dirty dollar on it if you like. I'm going to rock on with my little buddy from Marlboro country...